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February 28, 2005

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to those, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Spotlessly clean - and so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping - Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean?... why do I have a rose?... and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to get your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"

Broken furniture: $85.26
Hot breakfast: $4.20
Red rose bud: $3.00
Two aspirins: $.38

Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:31 PM

Don't park near the shore in Newfoundland

These thumbnails link to full-size images.










Posted by joke du jour at 09:24 PM

Very politically incorrect

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked him, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working... and at your age I think that is remarkable."

George said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the 'sex thing'. And I'm quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I've never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I don't believe I have ever been so satisfied! You are a remarkable man."

George said," The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah asked, "You can really do it again? At your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they had great sex again and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh, George! I'm astounded that you could do a repeat performance that was better than the first. And at your age!"

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?"

George said, "No. But the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:29 PM

We regret the error

This appears to have come from an EarthLink newsletter.

When newspapers make mistakes...

This site finds and prints actual newspapers' corrections. Dive in and giggle at the absurdity of items like a Massachusetts newspaper explaining: "Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."

Yeah, we make that mistake all the time, too.

http://www.regrettheerror.com/

Posted by joke du jour at 07:26 PM

Fishin' ain't so bad

An amusing cartoon about hunting & fishing.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:15 PM

Love the Irish!

We've seen these at least once before. But I like 'em, so we'll see 'em again.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it into a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Scuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothin' particular," said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a pure shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irshman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... One of the girls must be quite ill."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave & fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time - same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:03 PM

February 27, 2005

JDJ::reloaded

2005 marks the 20th anniversary of the the Joke du Jour, known in earlier days as the Joke of the day (JOD) and - originally - as Every Good Boy Deserves Humor (EGBDH).

When JDJ began, proprietary e-mail systems ruled the earth and private networks all over the world echoed with their horrifying roars whenever they met. But now all the VMSmail headers have become petrified and it's time for a reload.

Taking Dave Haxton's suggestion, a blog seems like a good way to teach this old JDJ dog a new trick or two.

The first goal of this exercise is to distribute by syndication, so we can drop the e-mail distribution list. There won't be any sudden changes; I'll keep sending e-mail notifications (unless you tell me to stop).

So start looking around for a news aggregator that you like (maybe the one that comes built into Opera?) An aggregator will let you get the updates to the JDJ blog without the clutter in your e-mail inbox.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:25 PM | Comments (1)

Switch to...

...whatever the hell you want.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:02 PM

February 21, 2005

Turing Train

Now is this cool or what?

TuringTrain.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 09:08 PM

Name Voyager

A very nicely done Java applet from babynamewizard.com that shows historical usage of names.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:13 AM

February 16, 2005

Quite a photo gallery

These are fine art photos done in black & white.

Unfortunately, the whole site's done in Flash which makes it a little slow to load. And it's in Spanish. Try the link labeled Portafolio; I liked Galeria #4 / Agua.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:17 AM

February 14, 2005

.Net at Monsanto

A promotional clip from Microsoft about a project at Monsanto:

Posted by joke du jour at 12:27 PM

Scraping ice

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:25 PM

Singing skeleton

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:24 PM

Santa - busted!

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:23 PM

An Indian visits Italy

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:23 PM

A penguin with car trouble

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:22 PM

Without blushing

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:21 PM

News report from Iraq

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:20 PM

Mirage jets in the Alps

Posted by joke du jour at 12:19 PM

Mint ad

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:18 PM

MasterCard owns New England

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:17 PM

Louisiana fur coat

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:16 PM

Japanese ad for Fanta

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:15 PM

My Italian friend sells cars

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:14 PM

HomeWareHouse.com ad

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:13 PM

German car ad

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:12 PM

Cat antics

Posted by joke du jour at 12:11 PM

Budweiser: SuperBowl ad that was pulled

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:10 PM

Budweiser: a romantic sleigh ride

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:09 PM

Winning beer commercial

Don't know what this commercial won, but it is funny.

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:06 PM

The best gym ad ever?

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:05 PM

A ballsy piano player

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:04 PM

Audi 'Illusions' ad

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:03 PM

Air drop mishaps

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:02 PM

February 10, 2005

Super eyeglasses

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Posted by joke du jour at 11:57 AM

February 02, 2005

Oops!

Great collection of FUBARd aircraft.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:20 AM