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March 31, 2005

Protect me from the wrong cheeseburger

A woman in California calls 911 because Burger King won't sell her the type of cheeseburger she wants...

[911 Tape MP3 format. Save.]

Transcript follows (lifted from Best of the Web Today).

Dispatcher: Sheriff's department, how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, I'm over here at Burger King, right here in San Clemente-

Dispatcher: Mm-hmm.

Caller: -um, no, not San Clemente, I'm sorry. Um, I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel, I think that's where I'm at.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I'm at a drive-thru right now.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside, and I understand they're busy. They're not even busy, OK, I've been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbecue Burger. OK, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I am not leaving.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I want a Western Burger. Because I just got my kids from tae kwon do; they're hungry. I'm on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: OK, she gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said four times, I said, "I want it." She goes, "Can you go out and park in front?" I said, "No. I want my hamburger right." So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is--she came up and she said, um, "Did you want your money back?" And I said, "No. I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on the toll freeway [sic]." I said, "I am not leaving this spot," and I said I will call the police, because I want my Western Burger done right. Now is that so hard?

Dispatcher: OK, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

Caller: Send an officer down here. I want them to make me the right-

Dispatcher: Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Caller: What am I supposed to do?

Dispatcher: This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal there.

Caller: So I just stand here--so I just sit here and block-

Dispatcher: You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

Caller: She did come up, and I said, "Can I please have my Western Burger?" She said, "I'm not dealing with it," and she walked away. Because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of suds, and they don't want to go through there, and-

Dispatcher: Ma'am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

Caller: Well, that is, that--you're supposed to be here to protect me.

Dispatcher: Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?

Caller: No. It's-

Dispatcher: Is this like, is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.

Caller: Well, just come down here! I'm not leaving!

Dispatcher: No, ma'am, I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger! You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back or go home.

Caller: I do not need to go. She is not acting like an adult herself. I'm sitting here in my car. I just want them to make my kid a Western Burger [unintelligible].

Dispatcher: Now this is what I suggest: I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.

Caller: OK.

Dispatcher: OK? Bye-bye.

Caller: No-

[click]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 PM

Top 100 April Fool's hoaxes

And there are some really great ones. Here.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:04 PM

Good story

says our contributor.

And it's apparently not an April Fool's tale either: Don't f**k with Ovid.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM

Vacation pictures

Our contributor says, "Here's a link to some pictures from our vacation that we just got back from. Enjoy."

As I recall, we've seen these before in PowerPoint form.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM

March 30, 2005

Rock family photos

Our contributor sez: "Check out some of these photos."

Meet Mr. & Mrs. Zappa with their son, Frank, for example.

ZappasAtHome.jpg

I particularly enjoyed the text accompanying these.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:36 PM

No respect...

Rodney Dangerfield classics:

I was so poor growing up... If I hadn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry.We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid... There are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor and told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:34 PM

Dog eat dog

Bush and bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and agreed to settle the whole dispute with a single dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

So bin Laden found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world. He had them bred them with the fiercest Siberian wolves that could be found. Then he selected only the biggest and strongest puppies from the litters and removed their siblings, to give them all their mothers' milk.

After five years, he came up with the biggest, fiercest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange-looking animal. It looked like a 9-foot long Dachshund and wasn't more than a foot above the ground anywhere. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because it was obvious there was no way his dog could last even 10 seconds with the vicious Afghan beast.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled towards bin Laden's dog. Bin Laden's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged at the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed bin Laden's dog in a single bite.

There was nothing left of Osama's dog at all.

Bin Laden came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened! We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers and the biggest and fiercest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," Bush replied. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working every minute of those five years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:32 PM

405 the movie

This is the clip of the plane landing on top of a Jeep on a Los Angeles freeway.

We've seen it before, but it's a great video. Available in hi- & lo-res WMV and MPEG formats.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:30 PM

March 29, 2005

Priorities

Our contributor's subject line.

As we age, our priorities change. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want..."

So I tied her up and went golfing.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:36 PM

London Underground

P. Ralph sends a pointer to this Flash rant about the London Underground (subway system).

It's pretty funny. But watch the volume level on your speakers: it carries a "Parental Advisory" for explicit content. (Just language - no porn.)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

Style Invitational plus Annual Neologism contest

Our contributor writes, "May have seem some of these before, but if so, they're worth a rerun!" I'll agree with that. They come from the Washington Post.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: "It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer".

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the bunch:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply new meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified ! bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM

Lovecraft returns

at The Nameless Dread.

NamelessDread4.jpg

Note: the LiveJournal that's linked here seems to be in limbo as of March 29. (I suppose Cthulhu is responsible.)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

March 28, 2005

Way cool

Check out ZOOMQUILT. A big Flash download, but worth it.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM

Finger food

Chunky chili.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM

Skateboarding dog

This pooch has been practicing:

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM

Quote of the day

Only a lawyer could say this:

"We don't believe that people should be imprisoned for doing what they believe is illegal," House told CBC TV.

with a straight face (from here).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:58 PM

March 27, 2005

Ask, and it shall be given you

Seek, and ye shall find;
Whine, and the video shall be reformatted.

In response to one of the video clips posted a week or two ago, someone left this comment (his <whine> tags, not mine):

<whine>
Ya know, I'd love to be able to watch videos from here ... but alas! My machines (Mac and Linux) just refuse to recognize the "wmv" format, and my sole remaining Windows box refuses to play them, probably because I've de-fanged Windows Media Player after a virus attack was lauched through it.

So I'll just sit here ... in the dark...
</whine>

While I usually ignore whining on principle, I agreed that video posts could stand looking into - and for other reasons than just one person's PC configuration. So I looked into and I've made the following changes.

1. Reformatted all but two of the video clips to Flash Video (FLV) format. Future clips will also be in this FLV format. The player you will see now is actually a Flash. This (a) removes all of the codec dependencies at the browser end and (b) it provides "progressive" viewing (which is not quite streaming video, but is probably as close an we can get without a streaming video server).

Obviously, you'll need the Flash 7 player. But the odds are pretty good that you already have it and, if not, it's a simple matter to get it.

2. Added a link to each video post where the file is available in the format I received it in: WMV, MPEG or QuickTime MOV. The FLV works pretty well, I think, but it does involve recompressing the video. There is sometimes a little more 'aliasing' visible than in the original format. So you can view the file in its original format if you choose to - or you can copy it and use it to clog up mail servers. Knock yourself out.

Feel free to comment on this change. But I'll warn you that the first person who whines about Flash may become the butt of the next joke.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:01 PM

March 25, 2005

What a great goof!

A friend of mine, who has a very interesting sense of humor, lives not far from the small town of Eureka, Missouri. He comes up with some really amusing and off-the-wall ideas. Recently he decided to goof on a local tabloid that's published in Pacific, another small town that's 10 miles west of Eureka.

This paper is called The Meramec Valley Current and it covers news from the small towns near Pacific: Eureka, Wildwood, Catawisa, Robertsville, and Gray Summit. It also has a reputation for publishing just about anything. In the past, they've even published urban legends that they obviously got by e-mail or from the web.

So to prove his point that The Current would print anything, he fabricated a letter from "F.O. Jennings", a fictional Pacific old-timer now living out-of-state. Then he mailed it to The Current with a local postmark and no return address on the envelope.

They printed it this week. It's the second letter in the Letters to the Editor section pictured below. Click the image for a readable copy of his letter. It's pretty funny and reminds me of Garrison Keillor.

FOJ_letter.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM

Last flight of the Concorde

I don't know if these were really taken during the final Corcorde flight, but they're great pictures of planes. All images are pop-ups.

Concorde_1.jpg

Concorde_2.jpg

Concorde_3.jpg

Concorde_4.jpg

Concorde_5.jpg

Concorde_6.jpg

Concorde_7.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM

We won!

A couple had a dog that snored. Annoyed because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he could help. The vet told the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he'd stop snoring.

"Yeah, right!" she said.

A few minutes after she went to bed that night, the dog began snoring as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to get to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring.

The woman was amazed!

Later that night, her husband returned home - after being out drinking with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell alseep, and began snoring loudly. So the woman thought that maybe the ribbon would work on him as well. She went to the closet again, grabbed another piece of ribbon, and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also worked on him too!

The woman slept soundly.

When her husband woke from his drunken stupor, he stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He was very confused. Then when he walked back into the bedroom, he saw a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

Shaking his head and looking at the dog he said, "I don't know where we were or what we did... But by God, we won first and second place!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

March 24, 2005

Happy Easter

Happy_Easter.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 09:06 PM

Chalk up one for the lady

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, though still very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party again with all his buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, koochy-koo?" she asked.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Brazil, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... But at the bar... you know, they have, uh... frosted glasses."

He didn't get to finish the sentence because his wife interrupted him by asking, "You want a frosted glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so well-chilled that she got shivers just from holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long... I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, lamb chop?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, mushroom caps, pork strips, and so on.

"But sweetheart... at the bar... you know... There's swearing and dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, honey pie?

"THEN LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F...ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROSTED MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F...ING SNACKS HERE, BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Posted by joke du jour at 09:04 PM

Digital sundials

"Great idea," says our contributor. (Two distinct links here.)

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 PM

If Harlequin published computer books

As a follow-up to the last post, more romance-novel-spoofing:

LostAtC.jpg

DirtyBit.jpg

DriveA.jpg

Cobol.Net.jpg

MasteringVB.jpg

PenetrationTesting.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM

March 23, 2005

Spoofing romance novels

Some pretty funny ones here. A sample:

Romance novel spoof sample

Posted by joke du jour at 07:06 PM

Togetherness

Are you tired of hearing "We never do anything together"? Now you and your loved one can spend some quality time with each other:


Togetherness.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM

Modern times

Is there anyone who hasn't seen this before?

You know you're living in the 21st century when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. (Now that's hardcore. - JHC)

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly who you will send this to.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually looked back to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM

Electricity

Our contributor writes, "Strange. Very fascinating how it is done."

Stoneridge Engineering's site shows what happens with very high current:

A shrunken quarter
Shrunken coins

Very high voltage:

A Lichtenberg figure
Lichtenberg figures

Or both (video clips of power system FUBARs):

Arcs and sparks at 500 KV
Arcs and sparks

Posted by joke du jour at 06:59 PM

March 22, 2005

Mess with your head

A collection of 15 surrealistic images; better than a lava lamp.




How many horses in this picture? 7?







How many people? 4?


A face? Or the word 'liar'?


Females are able to spot the word 'lift' easily.
Males find it difficult to see the word.


Posted by joke du jour at 07:16 PM

Another time waster

A cute Flash game at a site produced by someone in the Orient, I'm thinking. Maybe somebody can tell us what the language is.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:14 PM

Rube Goldberg redux

A few more people with too much time on their hands: The 3rd Court Contraption.

The video clip in the file named TheContraption.avi (the larger one) is pretty entertaining.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:12 PM

Job description for teachers

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.

"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention!

"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student.

"That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

"You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY?!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM

March 21, 2005

This is cool stuff

writes our contributor, "...if you run Firefox. Don't know if there's a version for Opera or not, but if there is, snag it for sure."

Web developer extension

Posted by joke du jour at 07:41 PM

Ambidexterity

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city and it just wasn't quite the same without him.

Not long after, a woman lawyer joined their firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good at it. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'Yes', but none of them could say 'No.' Finally one man said it would be okay, but that they'd be starting pretty early: at 6:30. He figured the early tee time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 on Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even-par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

Again, she was very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped to loosen up the conversation. Finally one of the men asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointing to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late..."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

I plead moronity

The subhead to this article says it all.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM

Just 5 minutes

One we've seen earlier, called the Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

March 18, 2005

Looks promising

"...and is available for Windows too," sez our contributor.

Nvu is an open source project to build a web authoring system. And the distribution's free.

It claims to rival Microsoft's FrontPage and Macromedia's Dreawmweaver. It wouldn't take much to rival FrontPage, IMO, but matching Dreamweaver will be a much tougher proposition.

I have to say that the screen shots look pretty intriguing.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:06 PM

Typoglycemia

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg - the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod apaepr, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pcelas. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia.

Amzanig, eh? And yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:04 PM

Diary of a Viagra housewife

Dear Diary,

We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful? But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new-found manhood.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Jack Daniels! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black & Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete PIG.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a Scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry..." thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on the Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him...

What absolute bliss!

Posted by joke du jour at 11:02 PM

It's stuck

[A perennial - but worth another go.]

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He tried to remove the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of the techs came in laughing and said he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Here's what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.


PenIsStuck.JPG

Posted by joke du jour at 11:00 PM

March 17, 2005

Get in line

A man goes into the unemployment office in Phoenix to look at job
openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.

"Wanted," it reads, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own
scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up to the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a modeling agency right here in Phoenix. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.

"The agency provides females who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel: the Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing. And you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Prescott."

"Prescott? What do I wanna go to Prescott for?"

"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:39 PM

The best commercial ever?

According to our contributor it is.

I believe we've seen it previously, but it's extremely funny.

[MPEG format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM

You shall know the truth...

...and it shall really piss you off!

One man's account of how BCRA (McCain-Feingold) came to be.

Ryan Sager writes for the N.Y. Post where this column appeared today.

Read the column and then check out his blog for the posts titled Buying 'Reform' and The Goods. The second one features video clips of Mr. Treglia, the fellow he based his article on.

“I'm going to tell you a story that I've never told any reporter. And now that I'm several months away from Pew and we have campaign-finance reform, I can tell this story,” Treglia tells the friendly crowd -- made up of apparently sympathetic “journalists,” some academics and some foundation types -- before going into painful detail as to just how Pew hoodwinked Congress into accepting the “impression that a mass movement was afoot. That everywhere they looked, in academic institutions, in the business community, in religious groups, in ethnic groups, everywhere, people were talking about reform.”

Posted by joke du jour at 07:21 PM

Health tips

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain: good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 PM

March 15, 2005

The revolution will be blogged

Here's a collection of video clips of Monday's demonstration in Lebanon. From the site:

Between 800,000 and 2 million demonstrators.
Lebanese population = 3.5 million to 4 million
percentage on the streets, between 25% and 60% of the entire population took part in the anti-Syrian demonstration on Mar 14 2005.
This is by far the largest demonstration that has ever taken place in the world, and easily the largest by percentage of population.
Am I mistaken? I think not.
Peace will prevail. We've had enough bloodshed.
This is the Kafa Revolution.
lebanon_syria.jpg
AP photo

The slogan on the poster comes from Braveheart (according to Lileks).

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM

The coolest knife block ever

From here:

Knifeblock.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM

At the doctor's

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or your nose and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."

Then the man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM

Why it's difficult to shop in other countries

We've seen these before but they're still funny.






















Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

March 14, 2005

Some smiles

Our contributor's subject line.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting in jail with you saying, "Man! that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Del' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:36 PM

The woodpecker mystery

A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker were arguing about which state had the hardest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in Texas that no woodpecker could peck.

The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the Texas tree with no problem.

The Texas woodpecker was in awe. The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in Louisiana that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana tree when neither one was able to peck the trees in their own states?

After much pondering, they came to the same conclusion: your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:34 PM

Karaoke for the deaf

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:32 PM

A faster pencil sharpener

This has to be seen to be believed.

At $250,000.00 it had better be fast!

Posted by joke du jour at 09:30 PM

March 11, 2005

The World's Longest E-mail Address

...can be yours!

Our contributor excerpts this site for us:

It is so long that...
Some web forms are unable to read your email address,
Some email software cannot be configured,
People have a hard time typing in your email address,
Companies think that your email address is fake,
The Longest Alphabetical Email Address on Earth!
and... It's FREE!

Posted by joke du jour at 08:54 PM

The parable of the drinks

An Irishman in a wheelchair rolled into a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Looking around, the Irishman thought he saw Jesus sitting at another table. He asked the waitress, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

Not much later, an Englishman with a hunched back came in. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant, thought he saw Jesus, and asked the waitress "Is that Jesus?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea on his ticket.

A bit later a redneck came in on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Ain't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the redneck told her to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, too. "An' put it on mah bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you too are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands and praised the Lord while doing a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. But the redneck jumped up and backed away yelling, "Now, don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:50 PM

What friends are for...

Friends

Posted by joke du jour at 08:48 PM

A fisherman writes to Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

After I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my favorite pastime - bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

- Discretion advised! -

A few weeks ago we had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A fisherman

P.S. I enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the prize-winning bass we caught. Aren't they beauties?

SamWithFish.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:44 PM

March 10, 2005

A hot cup o' coffee

A technical innovation from the Bud Light Institute.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:36 PM

Probation violation

From Manolo's Shoe Blog:

Manolo says, apparently, the Martha she has been inside the long time, as she does not know that the fashion mania for the poncho it is indeed over.


By the way, the Manolo he is willing to bet that the Martha she made this herself out of thread she collected from the prison-issue blankets and the mop heads, using the toothbrush handle that had been laboriously fashioned into the dual-purpose crochet-hook/shiv.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:34 PM

Instrument jokes

From Reflections in d minor:

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

Why would anyone want to be the last chair in the flute section?
To keep the Oboe player company.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spots.

Sir Thomas Beecham on the harpsichord: "...like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof."

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:32 PM

Solar system on a page

I don't know where this came from but it's pretty cool. (Link to a very large image.)




If you like your one-page-solar-systems with a more traditional layout, see this page.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:30 PM | Comments (1)

March 09, 2005

Third Annual International Eat an Animal for PETA Day

Read all about it. Be sure to tell all your vegan buddies.

Time for a Hardee's Monster Thickburger!

ThickBurger.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:12 PM

Waiting for a bite...

This one's been around a while, but for those who may not have seen it.

WaitingForABite.JPG

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM

Welfare

A repeat - but worth another go.

A guy walks into his local welfare office, walks up to the counter and announces, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Hmmm... Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes limo, so he'll supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will also be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. And the starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "Dude! You gotta be shittin' me, man!"

The social worker says, "Well, yeah... But you started it."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM

Robin Williams on drugs


Not long ago (back before blog) one of the JDJ e-mails contained this image.

That message reminded one of our regulars of a DVD he had with Robin Williams doing a bit on Fukitol and other drugs. So he kindly dug it out and ripped the cut below for us. (It's a 6MB download.)

I don't think I've ever failed to laugh out loud when I see Robin Williams do his comedy bit. And this one's no disappointment - what a stitch!

¡Mil gracias, Miguel!

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:08 PM | Comments (1)

March 08, 2005

"I can't get enough of these"

says our contributor, talking about Carly Fiorina.

What went wrong at HP?


Carly's Way

They do seem to be good retrospectives on how to FUBAR a technology company.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:24 PM

British hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat up the lads, and have a pint.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

He really, really needs one after all those pub stops. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really need to go and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobby. "Just follow me, then." He leads the man to a back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby. "Whiz away... Anywhere you want to."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby. "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British hospitality?"

"No," replied the Bobby, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:22 PM

Alex

Our contributor writes, "Here's our old friend again. Check out his pages about How to unite the entire world. Priceless artwork."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:20 PM

An ad campaign that you'll never see...

...according to Dave.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM

March 07, 2005

Fifty dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year. And every year Morris said, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars. And fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance."

Esther gave her usual reply: "Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars. And fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The helicopter pilot overheard this exchange. So he told the couple, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire time and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if either of you says a single word, it'll cost you fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers - but not a word was heard. He did all of his dare-devil tricks more than once; still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot said to Morris, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you two to yell but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:45 PM

Why athletes can't have real jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all his road trips: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:41 PM

Free nanotechnology course

In PowerPoint-generated HTML or PDF form, here.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:40 PM

Paging Mr. Orwell...

The government of Niger has cancelled at the last minute a special ceremony during which at least 7,000 slaves were to be granted their freedom.

A spokesman for the government's human rights commission, which had helped to organise the event, said this was because slavery did not exist.

From http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4321699.stm

Posted by joke du jour at 08:09 PM

March 04, 2005

A new version of "Who's on first?"

Secretary Rice and President Bush have a chat...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:50 PM

What is this?

Our contributor writes, "Looks like an art exhibit, but I can't tell what it really does to the person. Must not be too painful. Kinda funny."

http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=do_not_touch

Posted by joke du jour at 07:46 PM

"Thank you, Senators McCain and Feingold...

...you [plural expletive deleted]," says Stephen Bainbridge, writing about this potential FEC action.

I was a little surprised that McCain co-sponsored the BCRA. I was really surprised when Bush signed it. I was shocked that the SCOTUS didn't overturn all of it.

But this latest development isn't much of a surprise at all.

From Justice Scalia's dissent:

The premise of the First Amendment is that the American people are neither sheep nor fools, and hence fully capable of considering both the substance of the speech presented to them and its proximate and ultimate source. If that premise is wrong, our democracy has a much greater problem to overcome than merely the influence of amassed wealth. Given the premises of democracy, there is no such thing as too much speech.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:45 PM

Don't mess with Texas

...especially if the Texans are women.



Save

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

March 03, 2005

iPod people

I often think Andrew Sullivan is a little too full of, um, himself.

But this article from the Times Online is one of his better pieces.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:22 PM

Bumper-to-bumper carpet

Years ago, when I lived in Champaign-Urbana, I saw a car there which had been completely covered in indoor-outdoor carpet. It was strange looking, but it was very well done: the fit was perfect. The finish looked like an unusual color of paint that was slightly out-of-focus - since there was no gloss at all.

I've told the story of this car a few times and most people I've told it to looked at me like I'm trying to put one over on them.

But now I have some confirmation. Last weekend, my son and I were at a Home Depot store when we spotted another carpeted car. This one wasn't nearly as well done and it had some other distinctive touches that really set it off.

Exhibit 1:

CarpetCar-1.gif

Unfortunately, the only camera I had was my phone and it doesn't take very good images. But note the ragged edge at the bottom and corners of the bumper - that ain't paint.

Also note the row of dots along the edge of the trunk lid. Those are screws & washers holding the carpet to the body metal. I believe they'd been painted to match (sort of) the color of the carpet.

There was a phone number across the top of the rear window and a URL written on the sign in the lower right corner, as though the owner was advertising a business.

Exhibit 2:

CarpetCar-2.gif

Check out the drooping carpet below the front bumper and the washers (again) along the edge of the hood.

A Texas Ranger from McAllen, maybe?

Exhibit 3:

CarpetCar-3.gif

The white part of the car was the original pseudo-leather vinyl. Only the metal parts had been carpeted.

Nice hub ornaments, eh? They match the big star on the hood and were on all four wheels.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

Ride 'em!

Your tax dollars at work in this very nicely done Flash clip.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:58 PM

Columbia's Arlington

The resting place of the space shuttle Columbia.

Our contributor writes, "See the amazing but sad photos at: http://www.collectspace.com/news/news-020104a.html."

February 1, 2004 -- The nearly 84,000 pieces of Space Shuttle Columbia debris recovered after the orbiter was lost one year ago today, now reside on the 16th floor of the building where Columbia was readied for launch.

On Friday, NASA invited reporters to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, to view the repository inside the Vehicle Assembly Building.

"We think of this as the Arlington National Cemetery for Columbia," said Space Shuttle Launch Director Michael Leinbach. "This is Columbia's final resting place."

The media tour was in advance of the room being closed to all but reseachers and a select group of employees.

"It's not a museum," said Scott Thurston, NASA's leader for the Columbia Preservation Team. "We kind of think of it as more of a library. It's a place of learning."

The 7,000 square foot room, converted from engineering office space, is divided into two major areas. At the front are the larger, more recognizable pieces, including frames to the cockpit windows, remnants of the crew hatch, and the support skeleton of the vertical stabilizer "tail".

Also on display are the reconstructed leading edge panels from Columbia's left wing and the orbiter's data recorder.

"I think it's fair to say that the pieces that are out are the ones that helped us most in the investigation," Leinbach said. "But it was not intended that way."

Further into the repository, behind a room-wide banner signed by Columbia's STS-107 launch team, are rows of large boxes, each filled with debris that comprises the majority of the 84,147 pounds recovered. Each piece is individually numbered and catalogued, with manifests attached to each box. The debris is also visually indexed within a computer database.

"We know exactly where each piece of Columbia is," Leinbach said. "We could probably retrieve any piece of Columbia we wanted to in a couple of hours."

Absent from the main repository are the contents of the crew compartment. The cabin's remains are in a separate access-restricted room located nearby, controlled by the Astronaut Office.

All of Columbia's debris, including the crew compartment is available by request for study. As of Friday, NASA had received approximately 20 research proposals, most from universities, though requests may be made by anyone.

"It's a fitting end for [Columbia]," said Leinbach. "She will be used forever in study. So while her mission in space is over, her mission to the betterment of spacecraft designers is just now beginning."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:28 PM

March 02, 2005

Time waster

Here.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:35 PM

Accident ruling over bungee jump death

...in Wales.

Not to make light of Mr. Thomas' death, but why didn't somebody say "WTF?" (1 stone is 14 pounds, so 20 stone/10 pounds is 290 pounds.)

Posted by joke du jour at 08:55 PM

More blonde material

...says our contributor.

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car before she was pulled over by a female police officer - who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's license. So she started digging through her purse and got progressively more agitated the longer she was unable to find it.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked the cop.

"Well, it's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go... I didn't realize you were a cop."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM

March 01, 2005

Here's Johnny...

Johnny Carson and Jack Webb discussing a theft from a bell factory.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:39 PM

Strokelore

Our contributor writes, "This one is for real. As Snopes.com mentions:


Ergo, for once there's a "Send this to everyone you know!" missive afoot that really does contain highly useful and important information.

"You can read Snopes' assessment here."



How to Recognize a Stroke

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. A stroke victim may suffer permanent brain damage when people fail to recognize what's happening. Now, doctors say any bystander can recognize a stroke, simply by asking three questions:


  • Ask the individual to smile.
  • Ask him or her to raise both arms.
  • Ask the person to speak a simple sentence.
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of nonmedical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:55 PM

GMailFS

"This is pretty funny," writes our contributor.

Since it's a way to turn your GMail account into a mountable Linux filesystem, it's also pretty technical.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:57 PM

Happy birthday, Bailey

A shout-out to Angela and Derek, who became parents with the birth of their daughter, Bailey Marie. Bailey arrived at 1:05AM (0705Z) February 28.

She weighed in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces and was 20 inches long. No image, unfortunately. (Maybe Angela will fix that for us.)

Many happy returns, kid.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 AM