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April 29, 2005

Meet Samir

This article appears at the River Front Times site. If I recall correctly, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch also did an article on this fellow last year (but I can't link it because it's in their "paid archives").

I punched Saddam"I Punched Saddam in the Mouth" Meet Samir, the St. Louis auto mechanic who pulled Saddam Hussein from his spider hole
BY CHAD GARRISON

"I was so angry," says Samir, who immigrated to St. Louis eleven years ago after fleeing Iraq. "I began cussing at him, calling him a motherf-cker, a son-of-a-bitch -- you name it. I told him I was Shiite from the south and was part of the revolution against him in 1991. I said he murdered my uncles and cousins. He imprisoned my father.

"All these years of anger, I couldn't stop. I tried to say the worst things I could. I told him if he were a real man he would have killed himself. I asked him: 'Why are you living in that dirty little hole, you bastard? You are a rat. Your father is a rat.'"

In Arabic, Saddam told Samir to shut up. And when Saddam called him a traitor, an enraged Samir silenced his prisoner with a flurry of quick jabs to the face.

(Pirate's Blog says, "Samir is hereby named BAMF of the Year.")

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM

Who got to pick...

A sign on I-64 in St. Louis.

Chestnut38D.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM

Weekend reading

Links to interesting essays (in case it rains and you have nothing better to do).

DalrympleTheodore Dalrymple is a doctor who worked in a British prison. He writes a series called Oh, to be in England for the quarterly City Journal. In last fall's issue, his article was The Frivolity of Evil; in this spring's issue, it was The Roads to Serfdom. These are fairly sobering takes on British society. He has a new book coming out (pictured at right).



I recently came across this essay from 2002, titled Taste for Makers, written by Paul Graham. It's an interesting collection of his observations on what makes a good design - and he knows something about good design.


The last is one I haven't finished called Higher Ed, Inc. by James Twitchell, a professor of English in Florida. Its topic is how higher educational institutions are turning into big businesses.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM

April 28, 2005

Charlie Chimp likes Joe Camel

Our contributor writes:

This story is right up your blog's alley. Be sure to watch the related video... it's priceless. The ape even blows the smoke through his nose!

Clicking the image will take you directly to the video.

Since this involves animals as well as inappropriate behavior, I think he's correct. It's right up our alley.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:10 PM

One Stone

(This one's a real groaner.)

There once was an Indian who was called One Stone because he had only one testicle. Naturally, he hated the name and asked everyone not to call him One Stone.

But no one listened and, after years of torment, One Stone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill him!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, One Stone." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, too, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that One Stone meant what he promised. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird was overjoyed when she saw One Stone. She hugged him and said, "It's good to see you, One Stone!"

One Stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird didn't die!

What's the moral of this story?

The moral is: You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:04 PM

These people are, er, serious...

Seriously strange, that is. As a follow-up to the Don't Read This post, here's some info about, and a link to, the Church of Body Modification.

I wouldn't read this one either, if I were you.

A modified body?The Church of Body Modification is a nondenominational congregation that teaches ownership over our own bodies. The Church's purpose is for our modified society to harmoniously return to its spiritual roots that have been forgotten.

We are not here to offer spirituality to you so much as we are here because of the spirituality that is already in all of us; often expressed through what we do to our bodies. The church is a place for all of us to stand together and create a stronger foundation for the future. What is already inside and outside of all of us does not deserve to be shut down or ignored.

The Church of Body Modification is an interfaith church whose members practice an assortment of ancient body modification rites which we believe are essential to our spirituality. We believe that especially in these uncertain modern times, it is doubly important that we never forget these activities, and that to do so would smother a part of us that we consider to be so important: our freedom of expression. Our desire to express our spirituality on our bodies. It is our belief that by practicing body modification and by engaging in rituals of body manipulation we strengthen the bond between mind, body, and soul and ensure that we live as spiritually complete and healthy individuals.


<speechless>

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM

Quadratic formula worksheet

What if the IRS had discovered the quadratic formula?

From Daniel Velleman at Amherst College. Click above for a full-size image or click here for the PDF original.

(Tip o' the hat to The Braden Files.)

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM

April 27, 2005

Can you tell?

...asks our contributor.

I believe that this very clever Flash clip originally came from here - where you can find a full-screen version.






Posted by joke du jour at 05:55 PM

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner. "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, thanks. You can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats were crawling out of the alleys and sewers and were following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing.

He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and chasing him faster and faster.

Concerned - scared, even - he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha!" said the owner. "Now you want to hear the story!"

"No..." said the man, "I just came back to see if you have a bronze politician."

Posted by joke du jour at 05:50 PM

Our Lady of the Underpass

The image links an article at NBC5.com:

OurLady.jpgCHICAGO -- Hundreds of people on Monday gathered at the Fullerton Avenue underpass on the Kennedy Expressway to see what they say is the image of the Virgin Mary.

"When you come down here -- that's why I wanted to come down here and see for myself -- when you come down here and you see it, it's real," said Joanne Grablik, of Inverness. "It is beautiful."

State police said what the people are seeing is a salt stain from the Kennedy overhead, NBC5's Darren Kramer reported.

Obdulia Delgado said she was driving home along Fullerton Avenue on April 10 after getting off work at St. Elizabeth Hospital when she saw what she believes to be the Virgin Mary on the wall. She quickly pulled over and examined the form, and then began praying.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:45 PM

Le pain!

(Pun intended.)

From an article at KTVU's site:

San Francisco-Based Team Wins World Cup Of Baking Title

POSTED: 11:29 am PDT April 21, 2005
PARIS -- The United States' bread-baking skills were crowned superior to those of France and the rest of the world the Coupe du Monde de la Boulangerie, the World Cup of Baking, held in Paris, France.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:59 PM

Check it out

...says our contributor.

It's the fckeditor - an HTML editor by Frederico Caldeira Knabben.

This HTML text editor brings to the web many of the powerful functionalities of known desktop editors like Word. It's really lightweight and doesn't require any kind of installation on the client computer. As it is Open Source, you are allowed to use it for free wherever you want.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:30 PM

April 26, 2005

Polly earns a cracker

This parrot named Einstein is beyond awesome. You have to see this to believe it.

Einstein

Click the image to go to AnimalPlanet's site and watch the video.



Update:
One of our eagle-eyed regular readers spotted Groucho at the AnimalPlanet site.
Groucho.jpg

Groucho not only sings, but he sings in French. Just as impressive as Einstein & maybe more so.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

Technically speaking...

I suppose you'd have to call this "off-shoring."

Click the image to visit the SeaCode site, where the motto is Taking outsourcing to a better place...™

3.1 miles from L.A.

And that place would be 3.1 miles off the coast of Los Angeles, to be more specific. I don't suppose there'd be any INS issues if this operation were located only 2.9 miles off the coast?

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM

A million ducks

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man about a foot high and stands him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man seats himself at the piano and starts playing a beautiful Chopin nocturne!

"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here... Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish - each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks - not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it," says the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

April 25, 2005

Happy anniversary, HST

An article at Space.com about the 15th anniversay of the launch of the Hubble Space Telescope. It includes an awesome image of the Eagle Nebula and one of the Whirlpool Galaxy (which appears in the pop-up below). Several galleries of Hubble photos are linked as well.



The Whirlpool Galaxy, M51, seen by Hubble in 2005.
Credit: NASA, ESA, S. Beckwith (STScI),
and The Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)

And what better way to mark the occasion than with Monty Python's Galaxy Song? (Courtesy of Sarah.)



Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM

Rubber check

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to them. The old man said, "I don't think you understand... I want something very special."

So the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man noted this and told the jeweler, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made. The old man told him, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds. Then I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"That's right," said the old man. "But just imagine the weekend I had!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM

April 24, 2005

McGangsta

Here's a BusinessWeek article about McDonald's and rappers - which is pretty amusing for its implicit What-Not-To-Do point o' view.

And here's a link to the Gatbustaz site, where you can hear the McGangsta MP3 cut mentioned in the article.

Prepare to be underwhelmed. I'm no fan of rap, but this seems pretty lame even for a rap tune. (Discretion advised while playing the audio.)

Posted by joke du jour at 06:10 PM

Unexpected leaks?

CodeWritinFool sends the message, "Check this commercial - unbelievable."

If I don't miss my guess, the male in this ad is the same fellow who was in Budweiser's Romantic sleigh ride commercial.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:05 PM

For you cat fanciers

AnnaBanana writes:

If your cats occasionally get interested in the movement of the mouse pointer on your screen, let them feast their eyes on one of these at CatTv.com.

I can report that Grafitti-kitty likes the bluebird and the red bug. But the groundhog startled her (and she kept looking behind the monitor to see where it was).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM

April 23, 2005

Welcome CFG visitors

If you're visiting from the Club for Growth blog, take a look around; you may find a laugh or something else to pique your fancy. Eclectic's the word for this blog.

If you like the site, bookmark it, syndicate it or drop me a line and I'll add you to the (almost) daily e-mail list.

And a tip o' the hat to Andrew Roth for the link. If you're not familiar with the CFG site, Andy has a good political blog there. Check it out.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:00 PM

April 22, 2005

Just in time for Passover

A new JibJab Flash movie: Matzah! Hip Hop fo' Hebrews. (You'll have to watch an ad first.)

Happy Passover.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:36 PM

I just read the daily news...

TinyMega.jpgIn this article -- Exterrestrial UFO communications systems use information transfer between dimensions through tiny mega intensity energy modules -- from the India Daily site we learn that:


Reverse engineering an advanced communication system based on that of the Extraterrestrial UFOs is the toughest task for any team of scientists and engineers. The communication system used by these hyperdimensional entities is so different that even the complex computer algorithms fail to model it.

Uh-huh... Like Steely Dan sez:





Posted by joke du jour at 08:34 PM

Defective parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting in a cage on a little perch. But it doesn't have any feet or legs, so the guy wonders aloud, "Sheesh, what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crow!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me?"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah? Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is pretty embarrassing... But since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow!" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence in either on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Look," says the parrot, "I'm defective. So the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the owner an offer."

So the guy offers $20 for the parrot and he walks out with it. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. His new owner is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began running his hands all over her," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?!"

"Yes. Then the postman continued taking off the nightie and he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."

"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! That's when I fell off the perch!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:32 PM

Radio-controlled B52

The Stratofortress. The last time I saw this, the server that was hosting the site couldn't keep with the demand for this video of the plane in flight (9+ minutes; 30MB). This link seems to do better, though.

If you haven't seen this before, those are eight working scale-size jet engines. Unfortunately, this craft was later crashed, as you can see in this clip at AviationExplorer.com.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM

April 21, 2005

How many econometricians does it take?

Three econometricians go hunting and spot a large deer. The first econometrician fires but his shot goes three feet wide to the left.

The second econometrician fires but also misses - by three feet to the right.

The third econometrician starts jumping up and down, shouting, "We got it! We got it!"

(Tip o' the hat to Jane Galt.)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:36 PM

Still blogging their revolution

Pulse of Freedom.gif


At Pulse of Freedom, being published by the protesters at Martyrs' Square, Beirut.


Also see Michael Totten's account of how it came about at The Revolution Will Be Blogged.















Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

Permission slips

Getting permission for a night out with your friends (pop-up links).

Male version:



Female version:


[The PDF-formatted original.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM

Answering machine

at the police department. The officers don't sound too happy...

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

April 20, 2005

Check it out

Great images of Io transiting Jupiter (click for a much larger image). Taken in French Polynesia by Leroi Teiva. Get the details here.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:46 PM

California dreamin'

Posted by joke du jour at 09:44 PM

Economics in One Lesson

EconIn1Lesson.jpg

Jane Galt writes, "Economics in One Easy Lesson, which is, like, the best popular book on economics ever, is online. If you haven't read it, trot over there right now, you lucky dog, you."



Jane has a good point (even if she does forget the exact title). I paid Amazon for my copy a couple of years ago and thought it worth the price. This is definitely worth a look, if you have any interest in elementary economics. It was first published in 1946.



The book is in PDF form, courtesy of the Foundation for Economic Education.



Posted by joke du jour at 09:42 PM

Good news, bad news

Two 91-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Now at the end of his days, Sam is dying of cancer. And Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "you know how we've both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do that for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a blinding flash of white light awakens him and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in Heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news - and a little bad news."

"So tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are here. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic! Wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday!"

Posted by joke du jour at 09:40 PM

April 19, 2005

Quote for the day

One of the annual traditions at the school where my wife teaches is the Teacher Appreciation dinner. At this year's dinner, each guest got a small packet of Jordan almonds, with printed versions of student quotes attached.

This quote came attached to my almonds.

NotAnIdiot.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 08:38 PM

VAX limerick

I suppose that the recent mention of VAXmail triggered this response from another VMS veteran. Timoteo writes:

I looked up VMS on dict.org and got this:


VMS /V-M-S/ n. DEC's proprietary operating system for its VAX minicomputer; one of the seven or so environments that loom largest in hacker folklore. Many Unix fans generously concede that VMS would probably be the hacker's favorite commercial OS if Unix didn't exist; though true, this makes VMS fans furious. One major hacker gripe with VMS concerns its slowness -- thus the following limerick:

There once was a system called VMS
Of cycles by no means abstemious.
It's chock-full of hacks
And runs on a VAX
And makes my poor stomach all squeamious.

--- The Great Quux

Didn't know if you've ever heard that limerick. Thought you might enjoy it.

There were lots o' reasons why VMS was popular: DCL, Bliss, a nice set of inter-process comm & synch tools. Some people just don't want to let it go...

CmKrnl.jpg

Is that a great license plate or what?

Posted by joke du jour at 08:36 PM | Comments (1)

Payback

Carol's subject line. Click for a larger image.



Posted by joke du jour at 08:34 PM

Another great goof

A Reuters article at Yahoo:

Scientific Conference Falls for Gibberish Prank

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (Reuters) - A bunch of computer-generated gibberish masquerading as an academic paper has been accepted at a scientific conference in a victory for pranksters at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Jeremy Stribling said on Thursday that he and two fellow MIT graduate students questioned the standards of some academic conferences, so they wrote a computer program to generate research papers complete with nonsensical text, charts and diagrams.

The trio submitted two of the randomly assembled papers to the World Multiconference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics (WMSCI), scheduled to be held July 10-13 in Orlando, Florida.

To their surprise, one of the papers -- "Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy" -- was accepted for presentation.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM

April 18, 2005

A clever poodle

A wealthy old woman goes on a photo safari in Africa, taking her elderly poodle along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that she's lost.

Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Uh oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones close by on the ground, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Now there was a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree and he figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes after the leopard. The old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that the monkey's up to something.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and you'll see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

When the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back she thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damned monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Posted by joke du jour at 09:38 PM

Flash clocks

Cool clocks done with Flash.

Sliderule

Cable

3-D

Moving hand (which we've seen before)

Posted by joke du jour at 09:36 PM

Are males immature?

Here's a little photographic evidence on the point (click for larger images):










Posted by joke du jour at 09:34 PM

Italian honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Luigi stopped in his local barbershop in New York City to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni asked, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever't'ing was a-perfect except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Gran' Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for me, and a we were lookin' forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and open up da luncha basket.

"The conductor come by, wag his a finger at us and a-say, 'No eat in dese car. Musta use dining car.'

"So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and open a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag hisa finger again and say, 'No drinka in dese car. Musta use club car.'

"So we go to cluba car. While drinking vino, I start to light my biga cigar. The conductor, he wag his finger again and say, 'No smoka in dese car. Musta go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car an' go to bed. We just about to make-a love and the conductor, he coma through car yellin', 'NO-FOLKA, VIRGINIA!'

"Nexta time, I'ma drive down!"

Posted by joke du jour at 09:32 PM

April 16, 2005

Environmental heresies

Rob writes:

Another interesting read if you have the time. I thought the last page got a little hokey, but still some food for thought.

It's an article in MIT's Technology Review by Stewart Brand (Mr. Whole Earth Catalogue).

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 AM | Comments (1)

The Quotable Sherlock Holmes

Courtesy of Gerard Van der Leun at American Digest, here's his book The Quotable Sherlock Holmes in PDF format. It's a collection of quotes from A.C. Doyle's stories, grouped topically.

The Quotable Sherlock Holmes

This book was published in 2000 but is now out-of-print.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 AM

April 14, 2005

Yo dawg

DutchShepherd.jpgOur first contributor wrote, "Use this site to pick the appropriate breed for your personality."

The second person to send a link for this said, "The interface is, well, er, clever doesn't begin to do it..."

As you can see, I'm a Dutch shepherd. And it's Tax Day, so Gr-r-r-r-r-r...

The site promotes an independent movie called Gone to the Dogs. Click on the WHAT DOG ARE YOU? link at the right of its main page to find the personality game. It's one of the best Flash applets I've seen.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM | Comments (2)

THEIRS

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's "Vent" feature a few months ago:

Did you ever notice, when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM

Same old song...

and SRV does the honors this year:

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM

Let them drive Beemers

P.J. O'Rourke writes about the latest transportation bill in Congress in this article from March 16.

Then there is the cost, which is--obviously--$52 billion. Less obviously, there's all the money spent locally keeping local mass transit systems operating. The Heritage Foundation says, "There isn't a single light rail transit system in America in which fares paid by the passengers cover the cost of their own rides." Heritage cites the Minneapolis "Hiawatha" light rail line, soon to be completed with $107 million from the transportation bill. Heritage estimates that the total expense for each ride on the Hiawatha will be $19. Commuting to work will cost $8,550 a year. If the commuter is earning minimum wage, this leaves about $1,000 a year for food, shelter and clothing. Or, if the city picks up the tab, it could have leased a BMW X-5 SUV for the commuter at about the same price.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM

The auditor and the rabbi

A young, fresh-out-of-school auditor had just joined the IRS and was excited to begin tracking down offenders.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward, and the rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we send them to the IRS."

"The IRS?" asked the auditor in disbelief.

"Yes," replied the rabbi, "that's right. The IRS! And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM

2005 Pig Book

Who likes pork?

The complete 2005 Congressional Pig Book is a searchable database of 13,997 pork projects. Search by keyword, city, state, or appropriations bill.
2005 Pig Book

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

April 13, 2005

Tools

Our correspondent sent this message a few months back, at the start of the year.

The Delphi list did a thing recently where folks wrote in about the programming tools they couldn't live without. Here are the winners (not Delphi-specific), there are some gems in here I'd never heard of.

Most of these are news to me too. But I have seen Screen Calipers and it is indeed slick.

Beyond Compare (file, folder, etc. diff):
PSPad (text editor)
ConText (text editor)
InnoSetup (Win setup.exe generator)
Total Commander (explorer replacement with FTP)
SequoiaView (see used drive space from another perspective)
Screen Calipers (measure things on the screen)
The Font Thing (font manager)
Butterfly XML Editor
Bochs (IA-32 emulator)
Keynote (Personal information manager)

Posted by joke du jour at 09:06 PM

Steven Wright

Our contributor sends these quips from Steven Wright. And he adds:

The new format looks good. I think I still have a copy of some of the first jokes from the VAXMail distribution list, things change. Though I did like VAXmail, no popups, no viruses.

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced with exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:04 PM

Offside

Our contributor asks, "Offside - yes or no? You make the call."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 PM

Homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"Let's see... what disease could I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "But won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM

April 12, 2005

TSA theme song

Our contributor writes:

The attached song comes from the Bar and Grill Singers a group of practicing attorneys out of Austin Texas who sing parodies, particularly lampooning their own profession.

This one lampoons the TSA, however, and does a good job of it.

Update: someone put a video up on YouTube, so let's use that.

[My favorite title from this group's collection is The Jury Sleeps Upright.]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:06 PM

Light and dark illusions

A collection of interactive Flash clips at this MIT site.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:04 PM

Funny as a $2 bill

A story from the Baltimore Sun about one man's experience with "Worst Buy." (Requires a registration; see bugmenot.com.)

PUT YOURSELF in Mike Bolesta's place. On the morning of Feb. 20, he buys a new radio-CD player for his 17-year-old son Christopher's car. He pays the $114 installation charge with 57 crisp new $2 bills, which, when last observed, were still considered legitimate currency in the United States proper. The $2 bills are Bolesta's idea of payment, and his little comic protest, too.

For this, Bolesta, Baltimore County resident, innocent citizen, owner of Capital City Student Tours, finds himself under arrest.

Finds himself, in front of a store full of customers at the Best Buy on York Road in Lutherville, locked into handcuffs and leg irons.

Finds himself transported to the Baltimore County lockup in Cockeysville, where he's handcuffed to a pole for three hours while the U.S. Secret Service is called into the case.

Have a nice day, Mike.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 PM

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while she was dusting. He looked up and asked, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and they make me feel so good.

"The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Then Grandma turned on the TV, but the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get a better picture. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister asked, "Hello, son. Is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied,"Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM

April 11, 2005

March madness

Impressive.

Available in QuickTime MOV form here.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:36 PM

Don't read this

An article from Reuters via Yahoo News. (All images from Reuters.)

SuspensionConvention1.jpg
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Reuters) - Tony Troiano grimaced as he was lifted off the floor by giant fishhooks pierced through the skin on his shoulders.

Within minutes, he started to spin, swing his feet and declare the painful experience "the greatest thing" ever.

"I was on Cloud Nine," the Wethersfield, Connecticut teenager said as he joined fellow body suspension practitioners at an annual convention over the weekend. "It was euphoric. It was spiritual. I'd do it again today if I wasn't so sore."

From tentative first-timers to the well practiced, more than a hundred aficionados celebrated their passion for body suspension at the three-day gathering, held in an old textile mill in Providence, Rhode Island.

To hang cost $100; just to watch cost $15 at what many say is the best such gathering for the hundreds, if not thousands, of people they estimate practice suspension across America.

"Ever stand up too fast and feel like you're about to pass out?" said Dave Post, of Albany, New York explaining why he liked hanging from hooks. "It's like you're stuck at that point."

The practice requires three-inch (7.6-cm) steel deep sea fishing hooks freshly inserted under the skin for each suspension.

A basic "suicide" hang uses hooks in the back, a chest suspension requires hooks in front, a knee suspension puts the body upside down, and the "Superman" pose requires hooks along the back and upper thighs. The hooks are attached to ropes, and pulleys slowly lift the body off the floor.

Some people spin like acrobats, some play like children on a swing and others hang solemnly. Some giggle, some cry.

SuspensionConvention3.jpg"Some people have a spiritual experience, some people just have fun and some people don't like it and come right down," said Mike Giossi, a local mechanic and fan of the practice.

Jess Robins, a student from Canada, hung almost motionless from hooks inserted through the tops of her breasts. Blood poured down her belly, and her legs trembled.

Nearby, two men played a game of tug-of-war, pulling at each other with wire cables attached through their elbows.

"When I first got off the ground, I never felt pain like that in my life. But afterward, I was just filled with empowerment," said Giossi. "I've never been happier than when I came down."

SEARCH FOR INTENSITY?

Practitioners may seek the power and intensity suspension offers, said Karen Conterio, co-author of "Bodily Harm," a book about self-mutilation. Suspension also could be a rite of passage.

"It's a conquest of some sort. People are pushing the envelope more and more to attain some kind of separation and identification from society, and this is one way of doing it," she said. "Most people who probably are pretty healthy are not going to go to that extreme."

Many practitioners say suspension is somehow therapeutic.

"Look at his face. He's so serene," said Rosemary Curtis, watching her boyfriend swing slowly in the "Superman" pose. "We've had some really rough times this year, and he needed this really bad."

Not everyone was convinced. Colin Vanalstine watched but was not about to try it. "I'm afraid of needles," he said.

For such an off-beat practice, the convention is remarkably well-run, with sanitary precautions, surgical tools and almost military efficiency in preparing people for their suspension.

Some hang for a few minutes, others for an hour or more.

SuspensionConvention4.jpg
The biggest danger is cross-contamination, organizers said, due to so much open flesh and blood. Other dangers involve people passing out or suffering seizures, they said.

"The first couple of times, I didn't enjoy it," said Canadian Warren Hiller. "The first time I blacked out, and one time I was convulsing. But the third time I got better. I wasn't blacking out anymore."

It's not masochism, said Allen Falkner of Dallas, who has practiced suspension for 13 years. "Suspension is not about pain, it's about getting past the pain."

Advocates say suspension has been practiced since ancient times in many societies.

"It's searching for answers, trying new things," Hiller said. "You can only get pierced and tattooed so many times."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

Don't read this either

Our contributor writes:

I wasn't going to send this to you because it's really creepy. I also think you should *not* put it out on your blog because what really concerns me is that some kid will see it and want to try it. Not many -- but some; so the less circulation the idea gets, the better, IMO. OK -- take a deep breath before you look at these. I'm not kidding.

This is too bizarre not to blog. In deference to her opinion, though, the images appear in the "extended entry" portion. So if you want to see this, promise me you're at least 18 and you're not some easily-swayed moron.

OK, click to see more...

Pierce1.jpg

Pierce2.jpg

Pierce3.jpg

Pierce4.jpg

Talk about your "love handles"...
Pierce5.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM

Merge-matic books

These are from a Washington Post Invitational contest, Merge-Matic Books. Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up:

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up:

"Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:

"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:

"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"
Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan"
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot"
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter"
An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune"
An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal"
A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"
Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by awindmill.

"Singing in the Black Rain"
A gang of vicious Japanese drug lords beat the daylights out of Gene Kelly.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men"
Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath"
Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"
Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist"
Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

April 08, 2005

Capturing the Unicorn

This is a long - but very interesting - article in The New Yorker. Here's the first three paragraphs to get you started:

CAPTURING THE UNICORN
by RICHARD PRESTON
How two mathematicians came to the aid of the Met.
unicorn_capture.jpg

In 1998, the Cloisters—the museum of medieval art in upper Manhattan—began a renovation of the room where the seven tapestries known as “The Hunt of the Unicorn” hang. The Unicorn tapestries are considered by many to be the most beautiful tapestries in existence. They are also among the great works of art of any kind. In the tapestries, richly dressed noblemen, accompanied by hunters and hounds, pursue a unicorn through forested landscapes. They find the animal, appear to kill it, and bring it back to a castle; in the last and most famous panel, “The Unicorn in Captivity,” the unicorn is shown bloody but alive, chained to a tree surrounded by a circular fence, in a field of flowers. The tapestries are twelve feet tall and up to fourteen feet wide (except for one, which is in fragments). They were woven from threads of dyed wool and silk, some of them gilded or wrapped in silver, around 1500, probably in Brussels or Liège, for an unknown person or persons, and for an unknown reason—possibly to honor a wedding. A monogram made from the letters “A” and “E” is woven into the scenery in many places; no one knows what it stands for. The tapestries’ meaning is mysterious: the unicorn was a symbol of many things in the Middle Ages, including Christianity, immortality, wisdom, lovers, marriage. For centuries, the tapestries were in the possession of the La Rochefoucauld family of France. In 1922, John D. Rockefeller, Jr., bought them for just over a million dollars, and in 1937 he gave them to the Cloisters. Their monetary value today is incalculable.

As the construction work got under way, the tapestries were rolled up and moved, in an unmarked vehicle and under conditions of high security, to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which owns the Cloisters. They ended up in a windowless room in the museum’s textile department for cleaning and repair. The room has white walls and a white tiled floor with a drain running along one side. It is exceedingly clean, and looks like an operating room. It is known as the wet lab, and is situated on a basement level below the museum’s central staircase.

In the wet lab, a team of textile conservators led by a woman named Kathrin Colburn unpacked the tapestries and spread them out face down on a large table, one by one. At some point, the backs of the tapestries had been covered with linen. The backings, which protect the tapestries and help to support them when they hang on a wall, were turning brown and brittle, and had to be replaced. Using tweezers and magnifying lenses, Colburn and her team delicately removed the threads that held each backing in place. As the conservators lifted the backing away, inch by inch, they felt a growing sense of awe. The backs were almost perfect mirror images of the fronts, but the colors were different. Compared with the fronts, they were unfaded: incredibly bright, rich, and deep, more subtle and natural-looking. The backs of the tapestries had, after all, been exposed to very little sunlight in five hundred years. Nobody alive at the Met, it seems, had seen them this way.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:46 PM

Dog for sale

We saw this one not too long ago (via e-mail), but it can stand a reprise.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." When he rings the bell, the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard and he's free to check out the dog for himself.

So the guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "Are you the talking dog?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"Wow! So... what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. And in no time they had me jetting from country to country: sitting in meetings with world leaders and in jail with suspected spies, because no one ever suspected a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals for that.

"Then I got married, we raised a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is just amazed. He goes back to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten bucks."

"Ten bucks!" the guy says. "Are you nuts? This dog is amazing! Why on earth would you sell him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's such a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:44 PM

NYC traffic jam

A stock broker, on his way home from work in the city, came to a dead halt in traffic. "Wow," he thought to himself, "this seems a lot worse than usual." Then he noticed a police officer walking between the stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Hey, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replied, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats are telling her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."

"For real?!" asked the stockbroker. Then he asked, "Well, how much have you got so far?"

"Only about 4 1/2 gallons... but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:42 PM

People you work with

A collection of 14 pop-up images (from someone's PowerPoint slideshow).

The happy employee
The greedy employee
The Leader
The loud mouth
The busy-body
The disgruntled employee
The information specialist
The Keeper of the Nuts
The new employee
The supervisor

And, of course...

The Boss
The Boss' wife
The Boss' secretary...
...and the Boss' kid

Posted by joke du jour at 08:40 PM

April 07, 2005

One for the troops

This one's for the folks in the armed services (men and women both) serving away from home.

It's a nice vocal/acoustic guitar number called The Same Man. I believe it was recorded by Rachel Loy.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM

Real or not?

our contributor asks.

U.S. Supreme Court
April 1, 1905

MR. JUSTICE HOLMES delivered the opinion of the court:

This is an appeal from a decree restraining an alleged infringement by the defendant of the copyrights of artists represented by the respondents. That massive infringement has occurred using the systems developed and sold by the defendant is not in dispute. Respondents have estimated, and the defendant has stipulated as fact, that 90 percent of the content used on those devices are direct or thinly disguised copies of copyrighted works. The only question at hand is whether the defendant's actions in selling those systems constitutes infringement on his part.

The respondents acknowledge that the defendant did not himself copy the stories or the music of the artists they represent. Rather they argue that copyright infringement is the only significant use of his products and as such his design and sale of them constitute an active inducement to infringing acts on the part of others. The defendant knew or should have known when he devised these systems that they would be used for illegal purposes and is therefore liable for contributory infringement.

The court recognizes that the devices, as the defense has argued, do theoretically have the capability of substantial noninfringing use. And we are mindful of the concern that making the defendant responsible for how customers use his products might discourage some of the inventive spirit he has shown in the past. However, we cannot ignore the testimony of some of this nation's most renowned composers, playwrights, actors and other artists of the grievous harm caused by wholesale copying of their "inventions" that the defendant's products have induced. Indeed, if the all too public performances of their work enabled by the defendant's devices continue, the very existence of the respondents' centuries-old crafts would be in jeopardy. We therefore cannot help but agree with the respondents' assertion that the defendant's systems are in fact two "gigantic infringement machines built on inducement" of illegal violations of copyright.

Therefore, in the matter of defendant Thomas Alva Edison versus respondent the Book Authors Guild and respondent the Sheet Music Publishers Association, this court unanimously concurs with the lower court's decree. In inventing and offering for sale his "moving picture" and "phonograph" devices, the defendant induced countless infringing acts against the holders of copyrights for books and music. Defendant Edison's assets are to be seized in order to make restitution to the respondents. Furthermore, all phonographs, record players, moving picture equipment and similar devices are to be confiscated and destroyed. All "record" companies and "film studios" most disgorge their ill-gotten gains and henceforth cease and desist all operations now and forevermore.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM

New scam

Be on the lookout for a new scam directed mostly at men!

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a topless woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

Beware!

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM

Apollo Guidance Computer

Who wouldn't want one of these in the basement?

agc.jpg

Here's how to build one.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

April 06, 2005

Strange

Our contributor writes, "Very strange sites. I don't know what their purpose is."

hell.com
Some ones and some zeros (Spanish-language site).

But he adds: "I like this one."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:06 PM

How to open a beer...

the Strine way:

Posted by joke du jour at 09:04 PM

Interesting list

Our contributor's subject line.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
- Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry

Relationships are hard . It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
- Bob Ettinger

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
- Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
- Conan O'Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
- Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
- Richard Jeni

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
- Paul Rodriguez

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
- Warren Hutcherson

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
- A. Whitney Brown

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
- Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
- Unknown (and presumably deceased)

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 PM

News o' the Weird

Our contributor writes:

I thought you might find this as strange and interesting as I did. Yesterday Brad started his new job with Keane in Bloomington (at the State Farm mega-complex).

He was assigned a desk/cube, but it wasn't actually ready for him to occupy it because he has to wait for the guy using it to move to his new desk somewhere else in the complex first thing next week.

The guy's name is Greg Aspen.

Ten years ago Brad started his new job at CSC here in Champaign. He was assigned a desk but it wasn't ready for him because the guy occupying it was moving on to a new job and wasn't going to be gone until first thing the following week.

The guy's name was Greg Aspen -- the same person. Isn't that bizarre?

[True story but I changed the names. JHC]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM

April 05, 2005

Got a big one, Bud

Here's an interesting clip that J.R. sent me many months ago. I could never decide whether it was funny or not. Whaddaya think?

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:16 PM | Comments (2)

Liquid love

larrys_liquid_love.jpg

From the photolog Satan's Laundromat. Pretty interesting if you like "an emphasis on urban decay, strange signage, and general weirdness" (in its own words).

Posted by joke du jour at 08:14 PM

You know you're from Missouri if...

If I recall correctly, our contributor's a Missouri native who now lives out-of-state. Maybe he's homesick.

1. You've never met any celebrities.

2. Everyone you know has been on a float trip.

3."Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun, or Six Flags.

4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. For example, "Well, Webb City's only 20 minutes away."

6. 'Down south' to you means Arkansas.

7. The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" means only one thing.

8. You know several people who have hit a deer.

9. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end.

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

11. You know what "Party Cove" is.

12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What high school did you go to?"

14.You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

15. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

17. You've seen people wear bib overalls to funerals.

18. You see cars idling in a store parking lot with no one in them - no matter what time of the year.

19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

20. You end your sentences with unnecessary prepositions: "Where's my coat at?"

21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

22. You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.

23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jello salad with marshmallows.

24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.

25. You went to skating parties as a kid.

26. You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports.

30. You think I-44 is pronounced "farty-far." (St. Louis only.)

31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.

32. You think that "deer season" is a national holiday.

33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia; that Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City; and that Warrenton Outlet Mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis.

34. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch during a summer thunderstorm. (That is a hard one to beat... JHC :)

35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

36. You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."

37. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer (AKA Construction), Still Summer and Football.

38. You know if other Missourians are from the Bootheel, Ozarks, Eastern, or Western Missouri as soon as they open their mouth.

39. You know that Harry S Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri. (Don't forget Robert Heinlein.)

40. You failed geography in school because you thought Cuba, Cairo, Milan, Versailles, California, Nevada, Paris, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri. (And they are.)

41. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

42. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL" means.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:12 PM

Why men shouldn't baby-sit

Ten images that illustrate most of the reasons.

BowlDrinking.jpg

CookiesAndMilk.jpg

DoggieDoor.jpg

BustedBiker.jpg

FridgeBrowsing.jpg

KidOnHood.jpg

MarkerMadness.jpg

RotterdamFan.jpg

RubberDucky.jpg

DogKnows.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM

March stats

It's been a little over a month since the JDJ blog experiment began (on February 26). Many thanks to everyone who's dropped a line since then.

Because it's a new toy, I've been watching the blog's stats. Here's a list of the top 10 pages, ranked by number of hits. These are all video clips, not too surprisingly.


Thanks to Scott, Steve, Robyn, Mike, Carol and Paul for sending these in. (And if I missed anyone, let me know.) Karaoke for the Deaf was a big hit, particularly in Europe.

And here's traffic broken out by top level domain.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:50 PM

April 04, 2005

'Salright, Queekstraw

I don't know who the subject of this clip is or who the narrator is, but this dude is fast.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:38 PM

Free McAfee?

Our correspondent writes:

I found out something very cool tonight. Did you know that you can download the latest virus definitions and a command-line scanner from McAfee for free? Here's how.

Go here: ftp://ftp.nai.com/CommonUpdater/ and download sdatxxxx.exe.

For example, the file for today (March 28th) is sdat4456.exe. It will have different numbering from day-to-day, but this single file is all you need.

Save it to a directory on your drive somewhere. I used c:\vscan. Fire up a command prompt and navigate to the directory where you saved it.

Run it with a /e parameter. For example, for today's file you'd use sdat4456 /e.

It takes a little bit of time to unpack. You will get no feedback, only a DOS prompt.

Now just run it like this: scan c: (or whatever drive letter you want it to scan).

Today's version says it scans for 120289 viruses, trojans & variants. I was surprised that it found two java "Byte Exploit" classes on my machine.

It has lots of command line options if you just type scan and hit enter. It says it can scan network drives too but I didn't try it.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:36 PM

Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and bragging about the surgeries they'd performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. Once a concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident and I reattached them. Eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "Hey - that's nothin'. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs! Several years ago a cowboy who was high on coke and booze rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:34 PM

Panoramic views of Vatican City

They require QuickTime - and some time to download. But they're very well done.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:32 PM

April 02, 2005

Too true?

Our contributor's subject line. There are a dozen cartoons total. And very timely - since I just bought my first tankful at $2.15 per gallon today.













Posted by joke du jour at 12:36 PM

Airline banter

These are purported conversations between pilots and control towers. We've seen them before (in one form or another) but they wear pretty well.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked. "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger. And yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Posted by joke du jour at 12:34 PM

A bad day golfing

A golfer was looking for his ball in the woods when he came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he asked, "I'm just curious... But what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me!"

"No, honest! Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So the golfer wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a set of handcuffs on his wrists - on the other side of the tree - then took his wallet, jewelry & car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw the naked golfer handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

So the poor golfer told the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shook his head, walked around behind him, patted him on the ass and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day..."

Posted by joke du jour at 12:32 PM

Life is short

This is hardly humorous, since the driver was killed. Prior to the crash, he'd shot his estranged wife and a friend of hers to death. These events happened in St. Louis in late February.

It's pretty amazing that it was caught on video; and especially amazing to me since I drive through that intersection every day. (It's ~1/2 a mile due west of Midpark Lane, A.E.)

The story behind the crash can be found in this St. Louis Post-Dispatch article.

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Posted by joke du jour at 12:30 PM