Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him... Hey, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea! And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "What?! These guys can't play at night?"

Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his employer loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They'd tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly accepted the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly. "One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999."

Take Five

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

MEs build weapons. CEs build targets.

Take Six

The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much will it cost?"

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Take Seven

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designer of the human body. The first said, "It had to have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

The second said, "No, no, it was an electrical engineer. Just look at the nervous system and the many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually, it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run waste pipes through a recreational area?"

Take Eight

Most people believe: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe: "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with one's wife or one's mistress. The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife, building a solid foundation for their enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "Actually, I like both equally well."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Ten

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent down, picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

The frog spoke up again, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and I'll do anything you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter?! I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend... But a talking frog? Now that's cool!"