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June 30, 2005

Irony Update

Tuesday's post, Ah, the irony, linked a press release about The Lost Liberty Hotel project for Weare, New Hampshire.

At PledgeBank, you can join Travis Corcoran in his pledge to pay for a week's lodging at the hotel when it's built. According to Mr. Corcoran:

By signing this pledge, you agree to pay for lodging in the "Lost Liberty Hotel", once it is built at 34 Cilley Hill Road, Weare, NH.

It is expected that during one's week of residency in the hotel in Weare, lodgers will contribute significantly to the local economy - not just staying in the hotel, but shopping, buying gas, eating at local restaurants, etc.

This pledge is important, as it will help to demonstrate

(a) the large public demand for lodging in a hotel built on what is currently Justice Souter's property

(b) the large economic benefit to the citizens of Weare that will occur once the hotel is built.

If you have a blog, you can also join Tom Hanna in his pledge to "...give free advertising on my blog to the Lost Liberty Hotel".

Mr Hanna adds, "Blog can be interpreted liberally as long as there is someplace to place an ad."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Anyone want to go to lunch?

...asks our contributor. Click the image to see the story at MSNBC.

TAIPEI - It may take a strong stomach to eat curry or chocolate ice cream out of a toilet bowl, but a commode-themed restaurant in Taiwan does booming business serving up just that.
Taiwan Bowls
Reuters photo

The Martun, or toilet in Chinese, restaurant in the southern port city of Kaohsiung boasts lengthy queues on weekends as diners wait for a toilet seat in its brightly colored tile interior.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)

Gut-wrenching...

Our contributor forwards news of a sad event.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Holland. The picture may be kind of hard for some of you to take. If you look closely, you can see what appear to be survivors of the accident still lying among the wreckage. Although this picture is horrible, it makes you realize just how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2005

Pavlov's door

Seen on Pavlov's door: Knock. Do not ring bell.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)

A little comedy

says our contributor.

tadpoles.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM | Comments (1)

Google tricks

The GoogleTutor published this Voyeur Heaven post recently.

We’ve all got a little voyeurism in us. That’s why the recent article, Clearing Google Search History to Maintain Your Privacy sent my visitor counts off the charts. In this article, I’m going to show you how to create search queries that will list the contents of unprotected directories on the internet. You’ll be able to play the music files, watch the videos, look at photos and more. I have to say, it’s really addicting.

And then there's googlewhack, a distraction that's been around for a few years now but was new to me.
A Google whack is when you go on to the Google search engine and type in two random words, and you come up with one response, one hit.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)

June 28, 2005

NextFest

From Wired's NextFest in Chicago last week. Click the image to visit the NextFest site.

NextFestDolphin.jpg

CHICAGO -- This photo provided by Wired Nextfest shows Rob Innes skimming across the Chicago River in a bionic dolphin to call attention to Nextfest, a futuristic technology show in Chicago on June 25-26, 2005. The dolphin, a submersible developed by Innespace, can power two people to 40 m.p.h. on the surface and 20 m.p.h. below. (06/23/05 AP photo/Wired Nextfest)

Via WFTV.com.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)

Ah, the irony

our contributor writes.

Here's a snippet from a press release about The Lost Liberty Hotel project.

Weare, New Hampshire (PRWEB) Could a hotel be built on the land owned by Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter? A new ruling by the Supreme Court which was supported by Justice Souter himself itself might allow it. A private developer is seeking to use this very law to build a hotel on Souter's land.

Read the whole thing -- not only is it amusing, I think the guy might be serious.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 PM | Comments (0)

A piece of rubber

A husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joined them after a bit. When the bus arrived, they found it nearly full and only the wife and the nine kids were able to find room on the bus.

So the husband and the blind man set out walking. After a while, the husband got irritated by the ticking of the blind man's cane as he tapped it on the sidewalk. He said to the blind man, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replied, "Look, if you'd put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick, I'd be riding the bus right now. So shut the hell up!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:16 PM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2005

oWn3r3d

Read this. Then read this.

From Samizdata.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

The 29th Row Blues

This is a very amusing complaint letter to Continental Airlines. It's in PDF - click the image to read it (and/or save it).

Seat 29E

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:47 PM | Comments (0)

Google song

A funny song about Google based on The Temptations' My Girl. The execution's not quite up to the concept, but it's still pretty funny.

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)

June 24, 2005

Eminent Domain proposal for D.C.

As usual, ScrappleFace manages to find the brighter side of current events.(The links in the quote point to NY Times articles; free registration required.)

Bush May Condemn and Seize Supreme Court
by Scott Ott

(2005-06-24) -- A day after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local governments may seize private property to promote economic development, President George Bush said he may soon move to seize the high court under "the executive branch's power of eminent domain."

Read the whole thing. Then visit The Institute for Justice site and check out the Eminent Domain Watch blog.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)

Weekend time-waster

Click the image to play this Flash game.

[Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:05 PM | Comments (0)

Day of the Comet

Pre-impactClick the image to visit NASA's site and read the whole article.

After a voyage of 173 days and 431 million kilometers (268 million miles), NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft will get up-close and personal with comet Tempel 1 on July 4 (EDT).

The first of its kind, hyper-speed impact between space-borne iceberg and copper-fortified probe is scheduled for approximately 1:52 a.m. EDT on Independence Day (10:52 p.m. PDT on July 3). The potentially spectacular collision will be observed by the Deep Impact spacecraft, and ground and space-based observatories.

Image: Artist's concept showing Deep Impact just before impact with comet Tempel 1. Image credit: Maas Digital.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

A Drinking Problem

Another puzzle from The Chicken From Minsk (and another tip o' the hat to Erik).

Besides chess playing and problem solving, drinking is and always has been the most common form of recreation in Russia. Vassily has acquired a 12-liter bucket of vodka and wishes to share it with Pyotr. However, all Pyotr has is an empty 8-liter bottle and an empty 5-lite bottle. How can the vodka be divided evenly?

The authors add this note: Bottles were in short supply, particularly during the last stages of the Communist regime. Often, to fill a prescription it would be necessary to arrive at the pharmacy with an empty bottle.

See the figure below.

The amounts of vodka in each container are:
a. (12,0, 0) - initial condition
b. (4, 8, 0) - fill the 8-liter bottle from the 12-liter bucket
c. (4, 3, 5) - fill the 5-liter bottle from the 8-liter bottle
d. (9, 3, 0) - empty the 5-liter bottle into the bucket
e. (9, 0, 3) - pour the 3 liters from the 8-liter bottle into the 5-liter bottle
f. (1, 8, 3) - fill the 8-liter bottle from the bucket, leaving 1 liter behind
g. (1, 6, 5) - fille the 5-liter bottle by decanting 2 liters from the 8-liter bottle, leaving 6 liters behind.

You now have 6 liters in the 8-liter bottle. Empty the 5-liter bottle into the bucket and you have 6 liters for Vasily and 6 for Pyotr.

Bottles.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 06:59 PM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2005

The wisdom of Solomon

Two women came before the court of King Solomon, dragging a young man in a three-piece suit between them. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter!" said one.

"No, he didn't! He agreed to marry my daughter," said the other.

So they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh, Sire, don't spill his innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to have him hewn in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "And that shows she is the true mother-in-law."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 PM | Comments (0)

Give a fish a man

OK, it's not exactly a fish... but you get the idea.

[MPEG format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:19 PM | Comments (0)

A good politician?

Radley Balko thinks he's found one. He says that D.C. Councilwoman Carol Schwartz is his hero, and he quotes a Washington Post article headlined In D.C., a Round of Satire.

With a wink and a smirk, D.C. Council member Carol Schwartz (R-At Large) introduced legislation yesterday to ban alcohol in the District.

Schwartz, the leading opponent of a proposed smoking ban in District bars and restaurants, applied the same arguments made by anti-smoking activists to defend an alcohol ban.

I wonder if Ms Schwartz would be interested in running for the St. Louis County Council? We could use her right now.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:18 PM | Comments (0)

Don't click it

DontClick.It is pretty interesting. (You'll need Flash.)

Click me

Posted by joke du jour at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2005

Funniest phone prank ever

says Chris DiClerico on his site, where I found this.

[MP3 format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (1)

Golf defined

A game where a ball approximately 1.5 inches in diameter is placed adjacent to a ball approximately 8,000 miles in diameter, the object being to hit the smaller ball.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (0)

Aerobatic maniac

Click the image to see a clip of someone flying upside-down beneath a low bridge. Wow!

Aerobat

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (0)

June 21, 2005

Irony in the Court

I lifted this post from After Grog Blog since it's so short.

COURT BY SURPRISE

They say you are judged by the company you keep, so it's with reluctance I confess that a friend of mine is a lawyer. Let's call him Hamilton Berger.

Last Saturday Ham told me about a recent court-case in which he was defending a chap (Ruffles will do) who was up on a raft of charges. It wasn't the first time Ruffles had been in court, mind you, he was "known to police" as they say, and his record was a dismal set of affairs. Pock-marked, it was, with umpteen convictions for breaking & entering, aggravated burglary, car theft, sundry misdemeanours, possession of controlled substances and, gravest of all, doing the Mexican wave. But Ham knew this going in and had settled on an appropriate defence. "The defendant has promised not to do it again, your Honour," he begged the judge.

Late in proceedings, though, he happened to look down at Ruffle's record when something caught his eye, something he hadn't previously noticed and which moved him to exclaim a most injudicious "Fuck me!"

The judge, peering inquisitively over his spectacles, asked if everything was in order. "Err, no, your Honour, something has just come to my attention. Something that may have a bearing on this case. One of the people the defendant has been convicted of burgling is ... err ... me."

Surpressing a smirk, the judge asked whether Ham intended to disqualify himself from the case, conflict of interest and all that, or would he rather just have the defendant lynched in court. Ham, reluctantly, accepted the former and meekly began packing up his papers. "You don't want your DVD back then?" asked Ruffles.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

If women controlled the world

Most of these images are pop-ups.




ParkingZone.gif

Speedo.jpg









Posted by joke du jour at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

Kids on marriage

More o' that Art-Linkletter-kids-say-the-darndest-things stuff - but still funny.

What's the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that turned sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

Starbucks nerd

Here's a guy using Starbucks' WiFi. Click for details.

The Startbucks nerd

And this is a follow-up post about the guy.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:48 PM | Comments (0)

Return of The Broadcast Flag?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled nonsense for this important message.

Via Hit & Run, I came across this report at Boing Boing of rumors that the Broadcast Flag will be revived today or tomorrow in an amendment to a Senate appropriations bill.

There's also a Slashdot post linking to a similar alert at EFF.

The Boing Boing post has phone numbers for senators, if you decide to call them. The post at EFF links to some contact information.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:22 AM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2005

Philosophy jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
A: An offer you don't understand and can't refuse.


Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he replies - and vanishes.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (1)

All Your Rhapsody Are Belong To Us

This Flash clip has to be seen (click the image) to be appreciated. But be warned: it's 2.3MB.

ZeroWing.jpg

American Digest calls it, a "Strangely soothing nerd operetta."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:08 PM | Comments (0)

Bill and Hill

Since I can't remember the last Clinton joke, it must be time for another one - or two.

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five dollars!" Bill would fire back.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Bill realized she'd bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?!"


She must have had in mind the "Hillary Special" desribed below (click for a larger image).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2005

Father's Day I

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost... Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know, princess, now that you're thirteen you'll be ready for unchaperoned dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "Up yours!" attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car: Go crazy!

6. What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating isn't good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. It might be a good time to throw that party you've been wanting to have.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies... You know, that make the fan run or whatever... Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an nose ring! Now quit your whining and let's go to the mall.

2. Why do you want to go and get a job? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? Aw, don't worry about that. It's no big deal.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)

Father's Day II

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

=====> Please do not remove the copyright from this essay <=====

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Write to the author at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com

Posted by joke du jour at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

Father's Day III

This anecdote is told of President John F. Kennedy:

Joseph Kennedy once remarked of his granddaughter Caroline, Jack's daughter: "Caroline's very bright, smarter than you were, Jack, at that age."

"Yes, she is," agreed Jack. "But look who she has for a father."

And this one of Cyrus II, founder of the Persian empire:

On one occasion, Cyrus reprimanded his son, Cambyses, for his arrogant behavior and rudeness. Like many fathers before and since, Cyrus told his son that he would never have spoken to his own father in the way that Cambyses spoke to him.

"But you were the son of a nobody," replied Cambyses, "whereas I am the son of Cyrus the Great."

From the Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

June 17, 2005

Shopping with Boris and Marina

Another puzzle from The Chicken From Minsk (and another tip o' the hat to Erik). This one's pretty easy too.

Boris and Marina want to buy ice cream bars. However, Boris is 24 kopeks short of the price of a bar and Marina is 2 kopeks short. They decide to pool their money and buy a single bar. When they do, they find they still do not have enough money.

How much does an ice cream bar cost?

25 kopeks. If Boris had had 2 or more kopeks, then he and Marina would have had sufficient funds, since Marina was only 2 kopeks short. So Boris had 1 or 0 kopeks.

If 1, then because he was 24 kopeks short, the price is 25 and Marina is indeed 2 kopeks short. You may object to this answer, since if Boris had 0 kopeks, the price would be 24 kopeks. However, we will assume that Boris was not conning Marina and that he did have a coin in his pocket.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

Magic

A very impressive illusion (courtesy of Lou).

[WMV format. Save.]

(Confidential to D.A.: I don't mind your republishing things you find on this site; I'm glad you enjoy them. But it would be civil of you to mention where you found them and provide a link to their source, eh?)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

What's it going to be?

Three golf addicts had finally realized their ultimate ambition: they were out on the links on Christmas Day. And the weather was just beautiful.

They began talking about their good fortune. The first golfer says, "I still can't believe this! And all I had to do was give my wife a pair of diamond earrings."

"You did pretty well," the second golfer says. "I had to give my wife a mink coat before she'd let me go."

The third golfer shakes his head and says, "You guys are idiots! I didn't have to give my wife anything."

"Well, how'd you get out of the house?" one of the others asked.

"It was easy... This morning when I woke up, I just rolled over to her and asked, 'OK, what's it going to be: golf or sex?'"

Thanks to T. Perry (maybe he still reads this stuff).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:59 PM | Comments (0)

Wrong size

A couple were talking one day. The husband asked the wife, "If I died before you, would you marry again?"

The wife said, "Well, I'd consider it."

This bothered the husband and he said, "What! You'd let another guy drive my car?"

"Well, if I remarried I probably would."

"And you'd let him sit in my favorite chair?"

"I suppose so."

"You'd probably even let him wear my suits!" the husband exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" replied his wife, "He's a size 38."

Posted by joke du jour at 05:13 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2005

A cool tool

VR3

Forget about listening to music in your car through those ear buds! The Virtual Reality Sound Labs VRFM7 FM Modulator with USB Port and AUDIO input is for use with USB Flash Drives or with MP3, CD and DVD players.


Found at Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:40 PM | Comments (0)

A man with a plan

WillWorkForAWife.org

From WFTV.com

Posted by joke du jour at 06:54 PM | Comments (0)

Only in America

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

...are there parking places for the handicapped in front of a skating rink.

...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

...do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a diet Coke.

...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

...are there drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Happy Father's Day?

This comes from News-Press.com. It happened a few weeks ago.

The "suspicious package" that caused Interstate 75 and Daniels Parkway to be shut for more than an hour Monday was not an explosive pipe bomb — but rather wrapped-up plastic foot-long penis.

"Someone took construction-grade plastic, molded it into a penis and wrapped it with duct tape," said Lee County Sheriff’s Chief Deputy Charles Ferrante.

"They wrote ‘Happy Father’s Day’ on the duct tape."

The device was first described by the sheriff’s office as a prosthetic penis. Later, it cops described it as a paper sculpture made to look like a penis.

"(The rumor that it was actually a prosthetic penis) just took a life of it's own," said Cpl. Larry King.

Say what? What the heck is "construction-grade plastic", anyway? Legos?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2005

No2ID

They're conducting a pledge drive in Britain:

Just say NoPublic trust evaporates as Government’s case for ID collapses

When legislation is banned in China on human rights grounds you’d expect governments the world over to take notice.

The Chinese Council of Grand Justices has just stopped in its tracks the Republic of China’s plans to impose compulsory fingerprinting on all Chinese citizens, declaring the move unconstitutional.

Not so in the UK, where the Home Office still insist that “international obligations” tie their hands, ‘forcing’ them to fingerprint and iris scan every UK resident – conveniently populating the National Identity Register that lies at the heart of the government’s ID card scheme at the same time.

From /.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:46 PM | Comments (0)

Blogging burnout

From GeekyBodhi.net:

It started with a simple question -- what do all good things have in common? The answer led me to the person who invented blogging. I shook his hand. Made him comfortable in a chair opposite my workstation. Then, banged his head on the glaring monitor. Stretched his eyebrows to his forehead so he could read the text in front of him clearly. And whispered in his ears, "Look what you have created, Frankenstein!"

Am I a psychotic junkie? Anti-institution? Mentally disturbed?

No.

I am an ordinary netizen suffering from repeated overdoses of junk blogs.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:45 PM | Comments (0)

Storchennest.de

Some one in Germany pointed a cam at a stork's nest.

Stork.jpg

Via Althouse.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:40 PM | Comments (0)

The Physics Evolution

Physics.org hosts this interactive Flash site that lets you follow the development of physics and math concepts across the world and across time.

Pretty spiff.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:35 PM | Comments (0)

June 14, 2005

Don't forget your ruby slippers

Astronomy Picture of the Day for June 13, 2005. Click for an explanation.

There's no place like home...

Tornado and Rainbow Over Kansas
Credit & Copyright: Eric Nguyen (Oklahoma U.)

Via Dave.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

Savoir-faire

Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro enjoying their coffee, when a young American approached and asked them for the definition of the term savoir-faire.

The youngest of the trio spoke up and said that it was very simple; he would define it with an example. "If you arrived at home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger and you said 'Excusez moi' and quietly departed, then you would have demonstrated savoir-faire."

"Mais non!" said the second, an older and more urbane Frenchman. "Allow me to give a better example. If you arrived at home and found your wife in the embrace of a stranger and you said, 'Excusez moi. Continuez.' and you quietly departed, then you have exhibited savoir-faire."

The third and most venerable Frenchman shook his head and said, "Let me give you the proper answer: If you came home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger and you said, 'Excusez moi. Continuez.' and he did - then he shows savoir-faire."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)

Well, duh

Anti-BB Gun Project Deemed Too Dangerous

AMHERST, Mass. (AP) - Two eighth-graders who spent months working on a science project to prove how dangerous BB guns can be were disqualified from the state middle school science fair. The reason for the dismissal: BB guns are too dangerous.

Via the Zero Tolerance Watch feature in Best of the Web Today.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 PM | Comments (0)

3185 illustrations complete; 33,480 remaining

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

Genesis 1:6

From The Flaming Fire Illustrated Bible, where they're collaborating to illustrate every verse.

Via Althouse.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:05 PM | Comments (0)

June 13, 2005

Top 10 Ways

Top 10 Ways

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

Retirement

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go home and come back later."

"Wait," said the woman. "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt, revealing the silver hair on my chest. She told me, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She said, "You shoulda dropped your pants, too! You might have gotten disability."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:20 PM | Comments (0)

Singing horses

Click on a horse to make it start (or stop) singing.

Update: A little searching convinced me that this is the source of the Flash above. It's a Swedish site (for public television?) that's done all in Flash. It's worth a visit.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Outrageous indeed

You Can Find A Blog For Anything. Here's the Outrageous Ebay Auctions blog. (I found it more amusing than outrageous.)

Via absentee.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:15 PM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2005

Attention Men

Do women call you fatty?

Do women call you baldy?

Do women call you ugly?

Do women call you shorty?

Do women call you loser?

Are you over 30, 40, 50, 60, or even over 70?

Worst of all, have women completely lost interest in you?

Do not despair.

Now there is a new male grooming product on the market that will change all of that!

MaleBeauty.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 AM | Comments (0)

It's not chopsticks...

...but it's close.

[ASF format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 AM

The cop's testimony

If you have ever testified in court, you may wish you could have been as sharp as this cop was. A defense attorney was cross examining this officer during a felony trial:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes, sir. With my life...

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes, sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes, sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes, sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with the entire court complex and lawyers sometimes walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter and a recess was promptly called.

(From Dave.)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 AM | Comments (0)

Weekend Reading 6

There's No Place Like Home - What David Asman learned from his wife's month in the British medical system.

Court deals blow to Canada’s public healthcare - The Financial Times writes about a recent decision by the Supreme Court of Canada.

Canada's Supreme Court dropped a political bombshell on Thursday by ruling that a Quebec chemicals salesman is entitled to seek private health insurance to pay for a hip replacement operation, even though such coverage is forbidden under the public healthcare system.
Via Tom Hanna, who aptly titles his post: Canadians gain right US citizens take for granted.

And as a follow-up to the previous link, Nurses protest against health-care ruling

ST-HYACINTHE, QUE. – About 500 Quebec nurses demonstrated in St-Hyacinthe, Friday, to protest against Thursday's Supreme Court ruling that opens the door to private health care in the province. The nurses say allowing a private health-care system is dangerous, and they want Premier Jean Charest to do everything in his power to avoid it. Michèle Boisclair is the vice-president of the Quebec Federation of Nurses. She says a private health-care system won't reduce waiting lists in the public sector.

"They're [going to] drain our nurses," Boisclair says. "They're going to drain our [health-care professionals]. They're going to drain the doctors. So the waiting list is going to stay the same, and only the rich people are going to be able to get [this] care. But you have to be very rich." Boisclair says many Americans have to pay thousands of dollars each year for private health care. She says that will also happen in Quebec if Jean Charest doesn't find a way to override the Supreme Court ruling.

(Also from Tom Rants.)

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 AM | Comments (2)

June 09, 2005

Escher Photoshop contest

At Worth1000.com. Here's one of many very good ones.

Escher Sand Castle

Posted by joke du jour at 06:38 PM | Comments (0)

Typical Texas baby

A Texan is drinking in a Charleston bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. After he hangs up, he orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing that his wife has delivered a typical Texas baby boy: who weighs 25 pounds.

Nobody believes that any newborn can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs. "That's 'bout average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations are showered on him and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that 'typical Texas baby' who weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and a little suspicious. "What happened? I thought he weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, and says, "Well, he did. But then we had 'im circumcised."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:36 PM | Comments (0)

Cold fusion again

says CodeWritinFool. Here's an article from the Christian Science Monitor.

Coming in out of the cold: Cold fusion, for real

By Michelle Thaller | csmonitor.com

PASADENA, CALIF. – For the last few years, mentioning cold fusion around scientists (myself included) has been a little like mentioning Bigfoot or UFO sightings.

After the 1989 announcement of fusion in a bottle, so to speak, and the subsequent retraction, the whole idea of cold fusion seemed a bit beyond the pale. But that's all about to change.

A very reputable, very careful group of scientists at the University of Los Angeles (Brian Naranjo, Jim Gimzewski, Seth Putterman) has initiated a fusion reaction using a laboratory device that's not much bigger than a breadbox, and works at roughly room temperature. This time, it looks like the real thing.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

gae-ttong-nyue

gae-ttong-nyueA strange tale from Don Park's Daily Habit about an incident in Korea. See the original; this is just a snippet.

It began in a subway train with a girl whose dog made a mess on the train floor. When nearby elders told her to clean up the mess, she basically told them to f**k off. A nearby enraged netizen then took pictures of her and posted it, without any masking, on a popular website which started a nationwide witchhunt.

Within hours, she was labeled gae-ttong-nyue (dog-shit-girl) and her pictures and parodies were everywhere. Within days, her identity and her past were revealed. Request for information about her parents and relatives started popping up and people started to recognize her by the dog and the bag she was carrying as well as her watch, clearly visible in the original picture. All mentions of privacy invasion were shouted down with accusations of being related to the girl. The common excuse for their behavior was that the girl doesn't deserve privacy.

Image from Yahoo Korea.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:26 PM | Comments (0)

Watermelon carving

An HTML slide show of Chinese watermelon carvings (34 total).

Carved watermelons

Posted by joke du jour at 06:05 AM | Comments (0)

Maude and Claude

Maude and Claude, both in thier 90s, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and as time passed, discovered how much they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and was delighted when she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course, and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for an enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the afterglow, each was lost in thought...

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:03 AM | Comments (0)

Why don't they just offshore?

Asks our contributor, commenting on this article at ZDNetIndia:

India faces worker shortage
Andy McCue, Special to ZDNet, June 06, 2005

India faces a massive shortage of workers with European language skills over the next five years which could see the country needing to recruit up to 120,000 foreigners.

The language skills deficit is revealed in a new report by research firm Evalueserve, which calculates that no more than 40,000 Indians will have a European language specialization other than English.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:59 AM | Comments (0)

June 07, 2005

Shades of Frank Zappa

Popular Comic Has Baby Girl, Names Her Moxie CrimeFighter

POSTED: 11:36 am EDT June 6, 2005

NEW YORK -- No, illusionist-comic Penn Jillette of the Las Vegas duo Penn & Teller isn't pulling a trick on you this time: He and his wife have given their baby a name you probably haven't heard before.

Daddy!Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette was born on Friday.

Jillette said they "chose her middle name because when she's pulled over for speeding she can say, 'But officer, we're on the same side. My middle name is CrimeFighter.''

He didn't give an excuse her first name, Moxie.

Jillette and his wife, Emily, were married last year, and Moxie CrimeFighter is their first child.

Jillette's partner-in-comedy, Teller, typically is being silent about the new arrival.

From WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 PM | Comments (0)

Light bulbs

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Pentecostal: Only one (hands already in the air).

Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Catholic: None. Candles only.

Southern Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of you choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church guide on lighting policy.

Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Church of Christ: Do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.

Universalist/Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Posted by joke du jour at 07:14 PM | Comments (0)

Ooops

This image, with its amusing caption, comes via fishbowlDC:

white-ho.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:12 PM | Comments (0)

The doctor's funeral

A cardiologist died and the family staged an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, made of flowers, stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. Then the heart closed, sealing the doctor's casket within.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

June 06, 2005

Here's how some folks are gettin' bombed

...writes our contributor, who's working at Boeing these days. Images link to much larger versions.





Update: Someone named Sanford posted a comment claiming these images are his, "I built this CBU-58 dispenser which is at Barksdale AFB. I also took these photos and forwarded them to a friend at Boeing. It's amazing how things get around ont he net."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:20 PM | Comments (1)

Pizza with a conscience

Galactic Pizza
This image comes from the web site for Galactic Pizza in Minneapolis. Make of it what you will, but be sure to check out all the images.









Via Lileks.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:36 PM | Comments (0)

Out-of-shape funnies

Our contributor's subject line.

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.


A reporter interviewed a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

"No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"


I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half-blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!


A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


An elderly woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered throughout Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)

Dispatch from Iraq

Steve forwards another message he received from his brother Mike, in Iraq. (See previous messages.) 'Yesterday' refers to Saturday, June 4th.

Mike writes:

I'm back. I went into the city of Ramadi yesterday at about 1400... traveled in up-armored HMMWVs using MajGen Huck's Personal Security Detachment (PSD) - the PSD includes a minimum of 5 up-armored HMMWVs and almost a platoon sized element of Marines, well armed with 50 cals and more. I spent about an hour and a half with the 1st Battalion, 5th Marines Battalion Commander and some of his staff. That went very well. 1/5 is about as squared away as you can get in every regard. They're doing great.

Then came the hairy part of the trip. We (me and 2 of my majors) drove to Camp Ar Ramadi to link up with the Army, 2d Brigade Combat Team (2BCT) (a beefed up equivalent of our Regimental Combat Teams) for the trip into the city of Ramadi. 2BCT linked up with our gun trucks (PSD up-armored HMMWVs) with 3 Bradley Fighting Vehicles (armored tracked vehicles with 25mm cannons mounted in a turret) and an M1 Tank for the trip into town... their Deputy Commander and S-4 (Logistics Officer) joined up with us. We went to see the 1st Battalion of the 503rd Infantry (an infantry battalion) - spent several hours with them. Both visits were very productive!

It's good to be back from the trip. We were lucky... no IEDs, no small arms fire, no RPG attacks, but we were ready just in case. I saw some encouraging signs. Lot's of people out in the central part of town shopping. But once we were out of the central area, it was pretty deserted. But at least shops are opening and there appears to be a fair amount of economic activity.

I'm attaching a couple of pictures from today. You can't tell from the pictures, but it was 106 today! Hope the pictures make it through.

Hope all is well for you guys. Go Cards!

These are the pictures he sent; there are 6, total. Click for larger versions.



Mosque in Ramadi


Saturday shopping traffic

Another shot of Saturday traffic

A damaged building in Ramadi

Rural scene west of Ramadi

Our correspondent in the up-armored HMMWV

Posted by joke du jour at 06:37 AM | Comments (0)

June 05, 2005

Golf truisms

Nice golf course, eh?I'm not a golfer, but Tucson John sent me a PowerPoint slideshow about golf that included some really nice pictures of southern Arizona - like the one here. They made me a little nostalgic. And there were some nice images of southern California that I liked as well.

So I recast the PowerPoint into this Flash clip just because I liked the pictures. At 6.7MB, it's pretty large; be prepared to wait if you have slow connection.

Maybe Lileks will like it, too, since he's had Arizona on the brain the last few months.

The PowerPoint show included the URL www.haveaboo.com on the final slide. I don't know anything about that site but I'm including it just in case Jim & Kathie Baker are the authors of the PowerPoint. I changed your music, guys.

Here's a link for saving the Flash file if you want a copy.

Update: For those of you who are interested, I found a link to the PowerPoint slideshow I adapted. It's at: http://www.golfconvergence.com/content/view/47/91/.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 AM | Comments (4)

More of the same...

In this article, Editor & Publisher reports on the recent sale of the St. Louis Post-Dispath to Lee Enterprises.

In Unusual Agreement, 'Post-Dispatch' Will Remain Liberal Under Lee

By Mark Fitzgerald

Published: May 13, 2005 3:10 PM ET

CHICAGO When Lee Enterprises Inc. agreed to purchase Pulitzer Inc. for $1.46 billion, it also agreed that the flagship St. Louis Post-Dispatch will keep its longstanding liberal editorial slant for at least the next five years, according to the purchase agreement mailed to Pulitzer shareholders Friday.

"For a period of at least five years following the Effective Time, Parent (Lee Enterprises) will cause the St. Louis Post-Dispatch to maintain its current name and editorial page platform statement and to maintain its news and editorial headquarters in the City of St. Louis, Missouri," the agreement states.

The sale was finalized Friday, June 3rd.

This reminds of a letter to the Editor I read in P-D a few years ago. The writer complained that the P-D "wouldn't endorse Jesus Christ if he ran as a Republican." That observation was probably as true as it was amusing. - JHC

Posted by joke du jour at 07:25 AM | TrackBack

June 04, 2005

Attorney privilege

So there's this Mafioso godfather who keeps getting ripped off by his bagmen. He can't find anyone he can depend on to collect his "insurance premiums." He calls his lawyer up one day and asks if the lawyer can help.

"Sure," says the lawyer, "I've got the perfect guy for you. Let me bring him by this afternoon."

"Sounds good," the Godfather says. "Be here at 2."

At 2:00 the lawyer comes in with a deaf-mute fellow and introduces him to the Godfather.

"What's this?" the Godfather asks. "How'm I s'posed to talk to him?"

"No problem," says the lawyer. "You tell me what to say and I'll sign it to him. He'll answer in sign language and I'll tell you what he says." So the Godfather has the lawyer explain the job and the guy agrees to take it.

Everything goes fine the first week. Everything goes fine the second week. In the middle of the third week, the guy disappears with a bag full of cash. The Godfather has his boys hunt him down and bring him in. But the guy doesn't have the money with him and nobody knows how to question him.

"Get that freakin' lawyer in here!" orders the Godfather.

A little later, the boys bring the lawyer in. "Ask him where the money is," says the Godfather, nodding toward the bagman. The lawyer asks the guy in sign language where the money is. The guy replies in sign language.

"What'd he say?" asks the Godfather.

The lawyer says, "He says he doesn't know."

So the Godfather pulls out a pistol and lays it against the bagman's head and says, "Now, ask him again."

Again the lawyer asks the guy where the money is. The guy, scared by the pistol, signs to the the lawyer, "It's in a paper bag in my sister's attic under the insulation next to the chimney."

"What'd he say this time?" asks the Godfather.

"He said he doesn't think you have guts enough to pull the trigger."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)

An American law worthy of Stalin?

I ran across this at Samizdata, where I stole the title. The excerpt below comes from DownsizeDC.org; click the image to visit that site.

Downsize DCUncle Sam Wants You For The War On Drugs

Congressman Sensenbrenner's (R-Wis.) draconian mandatory minimum sentencing bill will have serious consequences for our democracy, requiring you to spy on all your neighbors, including going undercover and wearing a wire if needed. Refusing to become a spy for the government would be punishable by a mandatory prison sentence of at least two years.

If you "witness" certain drug offenses taking place or "learn" that they took place you would have to report the offense to law enforcement within 24 hours and provide "full assistance" in the investigation, apprehension, and prosecution of the people involved. Failure to do so would be a crime punishable by a mandatory two year prison sentence.

The "certain drug offenses" mentioned above refer to drug transactions involving minors. You can confirm this on the Library of Congress' site. Search for HR1528, using the "by bill number" option.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:43 AM | Comments (0)

June 03, 2005

You lose

First, a little background: Calvin Coolidge had such a reputation for being taciturn that he was nicknamed "Silent Cal."

A lady sitting next to Calvin Coolidge at dinner tried to coax him into to talking to her. "I have made a bet, Mr. Coolidge, that I could get more than two words out of you."

"You lose," said Coolidge.

From the Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:10 PM | Comments (0)

Sausage sculpture

Sausage.gif
This is just one of many examples, courtesy of (what I think is) the Nippon Ham Co.




Posted by joke du jour at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)

Angel decoy

Someone, somewhere wrote:

These are photos of an Air Force C-130 releasing flares to avoid heat-seeking missiles. The pattern formed by these "decoys" are how they got their name: Angel decoy. It's absolutely awesome!

Maneuvers are usually in remote areas and over water, therefore the general public does not get to view these exercises.

According to our contributor, "Snopes affirms it's true. Not only that, there's a video here." (MPG format.)

Posted by joke du jour at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)

A Question of Art

This puzzle appears in The Chicken From Minsk by Chernyak & Rose. It comes from the "Warming Up" section of the book, so it's one of the easier ones.

A sculptor named White, a violinist named Black, and an artist named Red meet in a cafe. One of the three says, "I have black hair, and you two have red hair and white hair, respectively, but none of us has a hair color that matches his name."

White responds, "You are quite correct."

What color is the artist's hair?

Answer follows. (Tip o' the hat to Erik.)

Black.

Since White responded, the speaker isn't White. So s/he must be named either Black or Red. But s/he says s/he has black hair and since the hair color can't match the name, s/he must be named Red.

So the speaker - with black hair - must be the artist named Red.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 PM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2005

Musician's Heaven

Jerry Garcia arrives in the after life and finds Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and some others hanging out in a top-notch studio.

"Wow!" he exclaims. "Heaven's gonna be outta sight!"

In a surprised voice Jimi says, "Heaven?"

Just then Karen Carpenter walks in and says "OK, everybody, break's over! Now let's do Close to You one more time. From the top..."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:32 PM | Comments (0)

Ouch!

Couch racing gets out of control. This had to hurt - I hope there were no serious injuries.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:31 PM

Pay up or the PC gets it

An article from NewScientist.com about a recently discovered and nasty virus.

Extortion, one of the oldest crimes in the book, has taken on an alarming technological twist. The FBI is warning that computer-savvy criminals have designed a virus that encrypts documents stored on a PC until the owner pays a ransom to unlock them. While the virus has so far only used weak encryption that is easily overcome, the fear is that it could be made tougher and start demanding large sums of money.

The virus searches a victim's hard drive and encrypts any text-based documents it finds there. The existing version then displays a ransom note that demands $200 for supplying the software that will decode the encrypted data so that it can be read again.

The novel attack exploits encryption technology originally designed to protect data, not kidnap it. To add insult to injury, it stores the kidnapped data in front of the victim's eyes, on their own personal computer.

The virus was discovered last week by the web-filtering company Websense of San Diego, California, when one of its clients' computers became infected. The malicious code is designed to take advantage of a vulnerability in the victim's web browser to download itself onto their hard drive.

Despite having the filename Pgpcoder, the virus does not use the popular and highly secure encryption algorithm, Pretty Good Privacy (PGP). The name may have been designed to hide the true nature of the file or perhaps to besmirch PGP's good name with the digerati.

Once Pgpcoder has infected a computer, it searches the victim's hard drive for 15 common file types to encode, including Word, Excel and html files. A message then appears demanding money for the decoder.

"It's just another version of extortion," says Dan Hubbard, director of security and defence at Websense. He would not reveal any details of the FBI investigation into what he calls "ransomware", but did point out that a rather obvious weakness in the attack is that the ransom includes a contact email address and an electronic cash account number, both of which could be traced. "This is the only case so far," Hubbard says, and the encryption algorithm it used was not very sophisticated. By reverse engineering the algorithm, Joe Stewart, a computer security consultant with Chicago-based IT firm Lurhq, was able to write a decoder that allowed the encrypted data to be recovered. The danger now is that the virus writers might turn to using strong military-grade encryption systems instead. "That would make it impossible to decrypt the files," Stewart says, leaving people with little option but to pay up.

The best defence against such attacks is to buy antivirus software and keep it up to date, and ensure that the latest operating system and browser security patches are installed. And with webmail services like Gmail offering 2 gigabytes of free storage, it doesn't hurt to back up precious documents elsewhere. This is not the first time "malware" has been written to extort cash. Criminals have tried- and in some cases succeeded- in blackmailing internet betting firms by threatening to bring down their websites with a so-called distributed denial of service attack. The new virus differs in that it targets individual users. Criminals are increasingly turning to malware to make money, Stewart says. One recent instance he quotes is a worm called Myfip, which targets a company's product designs and emails them to product counterfeiters in China.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM | Comments (0)

BS generator

From the you-can-find-anything-on-the-web department, here's the Web Economy Bullsh*t Generator. And an amusing site it is.

Tip o' the hat to American Digest.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)

The healthy alternative

...to human flesh?

Yuck...Here's an interesting question from the FAQ:

How do you know Hufu™ tastes like human flesh?

The taste and texture of Hufu™ are the result of painstaking research and extensive testing in our kitchens. We are supremely confident that our food products would satisfy the tastes of even the most demanding cannibal.


Via Master of None.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)

June 01, 2005

Don't know much about history

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering and his blond hostess broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, as an example, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blond thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:41 PM

The King of Cambodia's blog

This CNN article reports on it. (Click the image to visit the royal web site.)

Sihanouk's web siteCambodia's ex-king has computer, will blog
Cambodia's retired King Norodom Sihanouk at 82, is as sharp-tongued and loquacious as ever.

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (AP) -- "I thank you for insulting me."

Thus blogged former King Norodom Sihanouk to a critic of his support of gay marriage.

He didn't share any of the insulting e-mails with his readers, but noted: "My country, Cambodia, has chosen to be a liberal democracy since 1993. Every Cambodian... including the King has the right to express freely their view."

It was one of thousands of commentaries that fill the Web site of the world's most colorful and pugnacious royal blogger, offering Sihanouk's views on anything from environmental rape through Hollywood stars and killer spouses to the rough-and-tumble of Cambodian politics.

Via Althouse.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:40 PM | Comments (0)

Singularity!

A Tough Guide to the Rapture of the Nerds:

The SIngularity is what happens when reality throws a divide-by-zero error or you extrapolate a curve to a straight line. Or something. Maybe it's what an Italian rock star says when you give him a wedgie. Who knows? All I know is that Vernor Vinge invented it -- damn him! (If it wasn't for those meddling computer science professors I could still be writing about PixieDust ...)

Anyway. You don't need to understand all that stuff to write about the SIngularity. What you need to understand is that after the SIngularity things will be cool. We'll all be PostHumans or UpLoading ourselves into our pocket calculators, there'll be lots of ArtificialIntelligence to help fight outbreaks of GreyGoo, and if there are annoying folks you don't want to have around you can just tell them to go TRanscend.

It's the hot new topic for wish-fulfillment adventure and escapism. And there'll be jam for tea every day.

Tip o' the hat to American Digest.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:32 PM | Comments (0)

He's gonna need a big sack

...of corn meal to fry up this catfish.

ThatsACatfish.jpgALTON, Ill. - Tim Pruitt, of Alton, Ill., holds a 124-pound blue catfish that he hooked on the Mississippi River near Alton. The fish is 58 inches long and 44 inches around. It took Pruitt more than a half-hour to drag the fish into his boat. It is the largest of its kind in state history, and is expected to be certified a world record by the International Game Fish Association. (05/25/05 AP Photo/Handout photo provided by the Illinois Department of Natural Resources)

From WFTV in Florida.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:31 PM | Comments (2)

Anybody like women?

Noticing that one of the customers at the bar was pretty silent despite all the whiskey he was pouring down, the bartender asked him, "What's up, bud? You gotta problem?"

"Yeah, I do," the guy replied. "I just found out that my older brother's gay."

"Well, that's not the end of the world," said the bartender.

"Maybe not," said the guy. "But last week I found out that my younger brother's gay too."

"Is that right?" Then, after a moment, "So does anybody in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah... I think my wife does."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM