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June 06, 2005
Out-of-shape funnies
Our contributor's subject line.
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
A reporter interviewed a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
"No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half-blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
An elderly woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered throughout Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
Posted by joke du jour at June 6, 2005 06:30 PM
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