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July 29, 2005

Dream on...

When she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll find out tonight," he told her.

That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it -- to find a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:48 PM | Comments (3)

Yo, Tommy!

How amazing is this?

Blind Video Gamer Takes On All Comers

Blind Kid Plays A Mean 'Mortal Kombat'

POSTED: 9:58 am EDT July 28, 2005
LINCOLN, Neb. -- It's no exaggeration to say Brice Mellen is so good at video games, he can beat his opponents with his eyes closed.

Like most 17-year-olds, Mellen loves playing video games. But unlike most gamers, he's been blind since birth.

Mellen said he taught himself to play by memorizing joystick operations, asking lots of questions and paying close attention to audio cues.

His father said his son wasn't very good at first, "but he just kept on trying."

Mellen worked his way up from "Space Invaders" and "Asteroid" to such modern combat games as "Mortal Kombat."

He humbly says he can be beat. But there was no evidence of that at a gaming center in Lincoln.

One by one, he destroyed his opponents -- some of whom thought he would be an easy opponent because of his blindness.

Mellen said that when he goes to college, he wants to study video-game design.

Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:47 PM | Comments (0)

Lulu Eightball

A great cartoon that apparently runs regularly in Baltimore's City Paper. Click to see this one and to visit the archives. (There are better ones than this there.)

lulu30.jpg

Via "Contributor A", who's been guest blogging at Jane Galt's this week.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:46 PM | Comments (0)

What did the parrot say to the vicar?

This is reported as straight news in The Guardian:

A parrot with a remarkably coherent line in invective has been given a private pen at a wildlife sanctuary, after swearing repeatedly at distinguished visitors including a mayor, a vicar and two police officers.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)

System Administrator Appreciation Day

Our contributor writes, "Check out: http://www.sysadminday.com/."

The SysAdmin Day Song video is pretty funny. As is this cartoon (click for a larger view):

SysAdmin.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 06:25 AM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2005

"The greatest dirty joke ever told"

That's the NYT's opinion of this movie by Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza, which opens July 29th. I haven't seen the movie nor heard the joke, but I can't let a line like that one pass. Click the logo to visit the promo site.

Aristocrats.gif

Here's another page about it from ThinkFilm. Or visit Apple.com, where you can find a trailer.

I don't know what's up with the Manneken Pis.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:52 PM | Comments (0)

Animated face

Here's a time-waster... Click the image to visit the site.

FunnyFaces.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 09:50 PM | Comments (0)

The Genius of Microsoft

Our contributor's subject line (for this post at BoingBoing).

Microsoft "Genuine Advantage" cracked in 24h: window.g_sDisableWGACheck='all'

AV sez, "This week, Microsoft started requiring users to verify their serial number before using Windows Update. This effort to force users to either buy XP or tell them where you got the illegal copy is called 'Genuine Advantage.' It was cracked within 24 hours."

Before pressing 'Custom' or 'Express' buttons paste this text to the address bar and press enter:

javascript:void(window.g_sDisableWGACheck='all')

It turns off the trigger for the key check.

Too funny not to pass along.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:45 PM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2005

Relationships 101: "Do I look fat?"

A hilarious post at The Columnist Manifesto.

Here is a bit of human experience that seems to fall into the "things everyone has to learn for her- or him- self" category: how to handle the question from wife/girlfriend, etc., "Do I look fat?" And yet the pain of that relearning process seems so avoidable. We all know the question will be asked. Why wait around unprepared only to be caught like a deer in the headlights when it finally comes up:

And better yet, gentlemen, it's chock full o' good advice. Read the whole thing.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:39 PM | Comments (0)

Windy City skyline

This is the first image in a 5-image-show from the Chicago Sun-Times. It's the proposed Fordham Spire, a 2000-foot building designed by Santiago Calatrava for downtown Chicago.

Fordham_spire.jpg

Donald Trump doesn't like it. Is that alone reason enough to build it?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:38 PM | Comments (0)

Literally

From the You Can Find A Blog For Anything department:

Literally, A Web Log: An English grammar blog tracking abuse of the word "literally."

Via Althouse.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (0)

Some follow-up

AnnaBanana writes: "By way of The Best 404s I found this. It's really funny."

I will guess that most readers have received at least one e-mail like this one:

The penis prankFrom: Lela Janna
Sent: Monday, April 26 11:32 PM
Subject: Ur Diicky Is So Smaall chief vibratile freeloader

The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11

Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches

Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder

CLICK HERE TO ORD.ER NOWW!

If you've ever wondered about what they were selling, Mr. Hargrave conducts the experiment and reports his results. Click the image to read all about it.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)

July 26, 2005

A strange eulogy

Four men go out fishing. One falls overboard and disappears under the water.

When he doesn't surface and the others are sure he's been drowned, one of them says, "Well, I suppose we should say some final words for him, but I'm an atheist and don't know what to say. How about you, John? You're a Baptist."

John says, "Oh I haven't been to church in so long, I can't think of the proper words. Mike, you're a Catholic; you go to church regular. Say something you've heard in church."

So Mike says "Under the 'B', number 16... Under the 'I', number 25..."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Museum of Food Anomalies™

ampersand-onion.jpg

Got any anomalous food? They're always looking for additional "works".

Posted by joke du jour at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)

Music of a sphere

Via slashdot, this report on the eerie sounds of Saturn's radio emissions.

Scientists at NASA have now heard proof (called 'Saturn kilometric radiation') that Saturn has a phenomenon similar to the earth's Northern Lights (aurora borealis). Talking about the eerie sounding noise, Dr. Bill Kurth with the University of Iowa says, "We believe that the changing frequencies are related to tiny radio sources moving up and down along Saturn's magnetic field lines. It couldn't sound any spookier if they added a Theremin."

Well worth checking out; it's uncanny.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)

Breaking in the car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules coincided, they decided to pool their money and buy a car.

So they did. They drove it back and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on the hood of their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

"Oh," replied the rabbi. Then he ran back into the synagogue. A few minutes later he reappeared with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:58 PM | Comments (0)

Poor Mildred

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was extremely despondent over the recent passing of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would end it all and join him in Heaven. Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart - since it was so badly broken.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden on someone, she called her doctor's office to find out exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Next day Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:45 AM | Comments (0)

What we need for this weather

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 12:31 AM

Amazon.com Phone Numbers

From Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools.

In these rare cases you need Amazon.com's almost-secret real-person customer service telephone number. You won't find it on their website. I once got it by calling 800 directory assistance. In any case, they make it hard to find because a call costs Amazon more, so you should jot down these numbers for those special moments when only a human will do:

800 201 7575 (Toll free, US and Canada)
877 586 3230 (Canada only)
206 346 2992 or 206 266 2992 (Outside US and Canada)

Posted by joke du jour at 12:25 AM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2005

Which RFC would this be?

Tcp_punch.gif

Via a small victory.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)

Innovation

A bishop was speaking to a young parish priest: "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded and the bishop continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. You're packed to the balcony!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am grateful that you're open to new ideas."

"However," said the bishop, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since that began!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n' Tell or Go To Hell, just can not stay on the roof of the church."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)

A little follow-up

One of our regulars replied to yesterday's post about the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie with, "This almost made me sick." It's an interesting Flash clip called the Dactyle Fractal.

Since he'd presumably been poking around at zapotopi.net, I did some poking around there on my own and discovered a page titled Zapato Themeato, which features a number of amusing desktop wallpapers. Here's one that struck me.

"Help inform your co-workers and family members that the Lord Kelvin loves them and wants to Conserve them from Entropy with this inspirational wallpaper."

Kelvinism.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

A taxing situation for telecommuters

How lame is this?

Do you work remotely as an employee of a New York state-based company, but live across the country in another state? Then you'd be well-advised to contact your accountant, and to avoid setting foot in New York to do any work onsite at corporate headquarters – unless you plan to open the door for New York State to tax 100% of your income at New York State tax rates. Sound crazy? Well, it certainly did to Mr. Thomas Huckaby, a citizen of Tennessee, who was taxed by New York on all of his income.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

Body painting

butterfly




A month or two ago, someone sent me the PowerPoint collection of body painting images that's been making the e-mail rounds for the last couple of years. (Those of you on the e-mail list have seen it before.)

Since that was getting fairly stale, I googled to see what the state of the art is for painting bodies. This image is a pretty good example. It comes from FutureClassX.com, which I found via The Airbrush Shoppe.








Posted by joke du jour at 06:25 PM | Comments (4)

July 21, 2005

Paranoid? Me?

...asks our contributor.

AFDB

Welcome to the AFDB Website

This site is dedicated to spreading the word about the Aluminum* Foil Deflector Beanie and how it can help the average human. Here you will find a description of AFDBs, how to make and use them, and general information about related subjects. I hope that you find the AFDB Homepage to be an important source of AFDB know-how and advocacy.




Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0)

Groan!

A pychiatrist saw four patients one day.

The first one said, "You've gotta help me, doctor! I can't shake this feeling that I'm a goat!"

The pychatrist asked him how long he'd felt like that and the man answered, "Ever since I was a kid!"

The pychiatrist's second patient was a distraught young woman who said, "Doctor, I know this sounds silly, but I'm an interior designer, and I like to get into my work, and I can't stop thinking how I'd look as a pair of drapes."

The pychiatrist thought for a minute and told her to pull herself together.

The third patient was a wild man who burst into his office screaming, "Ya gotta help me! I have nightmares about gambling every night! I can't stop thinking I'm a deck of cards!"

The pychiatrist snapped at him, "Wait outside and I'll deal with you later."

The pychiatrist's last patient started off by confessing she was a kleptomaniac. The doctor told her not to worry and he gave her something to take.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:12 PM | Comments (0)

Etch-a-Sketch art

The image below links to a gallery of portraits made on an Etch-a-Sketch.

Mayberry RFD

This has been around awhile, but was news to me.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2005

Surfin' the moon

http://moon.google.com says:


Welcome to Google Moon

In honor of the first manned Moon landing, which took place on July 20, 1969, we’ve added some NASA imagery to the Google Maps interface to help you pay your own visit to our celestial neighbor. Happy lunar surfing.

Google the moon

Via Hit & Run

Posted by joke du jour at 06:18 PM | Comments (0)

A clever blonde

Two bored dealers were waiting at an empty craps table in a casino. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and laid down a $20,000 bet.

Then she told them, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped and rolled the dice while yelling, "Mama needs some new clothes!"

When the dice stopped she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won!" She jumped up and down and she hugged each of the dealers while she raked in all the money and her clothes. Then she quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching!"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:17 PM | Comments (0)

Mammatus clouds

Click to visit Jorn Olsen's site, where he's posted a collection of images like this one.

Looming presence

Image copyright © 2004 Jorn Olsen.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:15 PM | Comments (0)

File hungry

An interesting download site for Linux, Mac, PDA and Windows systems. I believe they're all free as well.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:14 PM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2005

Ecrans transparents

A gallery of "transparent screen" images at this French-language site for Macintosh users:

Transparent

Some cool, some elegant, some bizarre - the usual mix.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:48 PM | Comments (0)

Watch out

If you travel Illinois' expressways, you may find this press release (from March 30th) interesting. Note the starting time for tickets-by-photograph.

CHICAGO—The Illinois Department of Transportation (IDOT) joined with the State Police and Illinois Tollway to remind motorists construction season is about to kick in to gear and warn that tough new laws are on the books that target drivers who flout work zone speed limits and endanger the lives of construction workers and other drivers.

<...>

Under enhanced penalties passed by the Legislature and signed into law by Gov. Rod Blagojevich last year, first-time work zone speeders, including those caught on camera, will be hit with a fine of $375, with $125 of that sum going to pay off-duty State Troopers to provide added enforcement in construction or maintenance zones. Two-time offenders are subject to a $1,000 fine, including a $250 surcharge to hire Troopers, and the loss of their license for 90 days.

Starting in July, State Troopers will deploy specially equipped vans that can take photographs of drivers speeding in IDOT and Tollway construction and maintenance zones. Tickets will be issued by mail to vehicle owners.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:40 PM | Comments (0)

Those were the days

Click the image to visit a site publishing the full text of this book. First published in 1971, it was revised in 1979.

How It Works.... The Computer

Punch cards, teletypes, mag tape drives, Blinkenlights... It was like Dinotopia, man.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:39 PM | Comments (0)

Steal this cat

Easy money if you live in Boston:

Need an easy way to make $100? Break into my apartment and steal my roommate's cat. Please! You can have the cat, give it to the animal rescue league or sell it to a Chinese takeaway.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)

Tornado forming

Click the image to see this WMV clip of a tornado forming. It's more impressive than this single frame shows. (Video from KARE in Minneaoplis-St. Paul.)

Tornado

Posted by joke du jour at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)

July 18, 2005

Rock climbin'

This guy's not giving up easily.

[MPEG format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:28 PM | Comments (0)

AT&T

This came from rec.humor.funny in 1992. (When's the last time you saw a pay phone?) But it's still pretty funny.

AT&T phone operators know everything - they really do. This really happened to me in Salt Lake City, Utah. This being my first trip to the States, I was a bit unfamiliar with the workings of the phone system.

So I see a payphone, put in a quarter and dial the number. Let's say: 44-41-552-8467 - an overseas phone call to the UK. I get the AT&T operator.

"You're calling overseas?"

"Yes, that's right." (OK, so they have digital exchanges here, too.)

"You know you have to put some money in?" (How did she know it was a pay-phone ?)

So I put in another two quarters. Heck, I don't know how much it costs.

"Oh," she says, "You're from Scotland!"

"Erm... Yes, but how did you know?"

"Well, you put in 75 cents and you need about 5 dollars to make that call."

Made my day. I had a smile on my face all the way to San Francisco.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:57 PM | Comments (0)

Latte art

Here's a collection of "latte art" images hosted at flickr.

Mocha lion

Posted by joke du jour at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

What will you look like?

Check out this T-Mobile site in the UK by clicking on the image.

It's not the age - it's the mileage.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

Nadagate

John Tierney writes about the Valerie Plame/Karl Rove situation in this op-ed for the NYT (free reg. req'd). I found his conclusion very amusing:

For now, though, it looks as if this scandal is about a spy who was not endangered, a whistle-blower who did not blow the whistle and was not smeared, and a White House official who has not been fired for a felony that he did not commit. And so far the only victim is a reporter who did not write a story about it.

It would be logical to name it the Not-a-gate scandal, but I prefer a bilingual variation. It may someday make a good trivia question:

What do you call a scandal that's not scandalous?

Nadagate.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:55 PM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2005

Crash this trailer

Here's a site that lets you edit your own image into the trailer for the movie Wedding Crashers.

Crashers

Interestingly, Sen. John McCain (spit) makes a 10-second appearance in this film.

Posted by joke du jour at 03:54 PM | Comments (0)

Sidewalk chalk reprise

Some of the most popular images I've posted here (and the ones that have been hot linked most often) are the sidewalk chalk drawings. So when I ran across this collection of 11 of these drawings, I decided to post a link to it - sort of as a public service, you might say.

You can find them here.

sidewalk chalk drawings

Posted by joke du jour at 02:13 PM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2005

Coolest crop circle ever

From Lucy Pringle's Crop Circle Photo Library:
crop_circle.jpg
Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM | Comments (0)

Customer Satisfaction Survey

Here's an oldie that never fails to make me laugh.

We thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ............................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ..................................
Password: ........................ (max. 8 char)
Code Name:.................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:........................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./......

4. Serial Number: .............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

Posted by joke du jour at 08:59 PM | Comments (0)

The service will be Tuesday

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip around town through the traffic.

He would have settled on any old truck; everything she liked was way out of their price range. "Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in under 8 seconds," she said.

Dropping a hint, she added, "My birthday is coming up. You could surprise me..."

So for her birthday, he surprised her with a brand new bathroom scale.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)

Mind Reader

And here's another oldie that's worth a reprise. This one comes from Andy Naughton at Cyberglass Design.

Flash psychic

Posted by joke du jour at 08:44 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2005

A Martian lake

This image of a frozen lake on Mars comes from ESA's Mars Express spacecraft and was published in Nature. You can find more images from the Mars Express craft here.

Martian lake

Image copyright © 2005 Nature Publishing Group.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:12 PM | Comments (0)

16% of studies contradicted by studies

From the Star Tribune in Minneapolis-St. Paul comes something that reads as though it came from The Onion:

New study: 16% of studies contradicted by studies
July 13, 2005

• Latest: Here's some medical news you can trust: A study confirms that what researchers once said was good for you often turns out to be bad -- or at least not as great as initially thought.

The report is a review of major studies published in three influential medical journals between 1990 and 2003, including 45 highly publicized studies that initially claimed a drug or other treatment worked.

• Contradicted: Subsequent research contradicted results of seven studies -- 16 percent -- and reported weaker results for seven others, an additional 16 percent. That means nearly one-third of the original results did not hold up, according to the study in today's Journal of the American Medical Association.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM | Comments (0)

More blonde jokes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

Her husband asked, "Who was that?"

"I don't know... some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and bends down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy - it's me!"

Five more follow...


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

She replies, "Shut up!! You're next!"


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead... Ask me. I know all of them."

So a friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy! It's 'W'."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and the police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio. A K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM | Comments (0)

Fingernails

Information at your fingertips.

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM | Comments (0)

It must be Friday

Give a flip?

This won't take a minute - just checking to see if you give a damn about anything today.



Nope... barely moved.


Update: Keeping Up With The Pagans Dave wrote, "I have a better copy of your f-o-meter from the other day..." So I stole his.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2005

Get perpendicular

Click the image of the Domainettes (my term for them) to visit see a Flash presentation from Hitachi explaining its new hard drive technology.

Get perpendicular!

It's both informative and amazingly corny; the music is a hoot.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:23 PM | Comments (0)

How many...

Here's the Wikipedia entry for the Lightbulb Joke. It includes my all time fave...

una bombilla


Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A tree in a golden forest.





...as well as a bazillion others, including a pretty good one about why it took 94 DEC employees to change a lightbulb.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:22 PM | Comments (0)

Spray-on mud

From Britain, what every urban SUV driver needs.

SprayOnMud.jpg

This appears to be legitimate.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)

Stupid, stupid people

Says our contributor and he adds:

Ok, here's the filing against a hacker in England who allegedly hacked some US government servers. There are quite a few IP addresses in the filing which are blacked out for security purposes.

Now do this: Open the doc in Adobe's Reader, click select all, copy it to the clipboard, and paste it into an MS Word doc. Notice anything?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:20 PM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2005

White tie and 'chute

Dang! I dropped my fork!SOMERSET, Great Britian -- In this picture released by MPL International Ltd, Thursday June 30, 2005, adventurers Bear Grylls, 30 and Lieutenant Commander Alan Veal, 34, are the diners enjoying a dinner party suspended from a balloon at a height of nearly 24.262 ft (7395 meters) flying over Somerset, England. The pair were making a successful attempt to break the world record for the highest formal dinner party. The previous record was held by adventurer Henry Shelford, who held his dinner party 22,326ft (6805 meters) up a Tibetan mountain in 2004.

(07/06/05 AP Photo/MPL International Ltd/ho)

Via WFTV.com

Posted by joke du jour at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Disney's making a film of this C.S. Lewis novel and it's scheduled for release this coming December. Click the image to visit the movie site to see a trailer.

Narnia

Our contributor tells me that the earlier movie made of this book was a little lame.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

Liberal Media Bias

Dave forwards this amusing post from Dispatches from the Culture Wars:

The media has been reporting that President Bush fell off his bike in Scotland, sustaining only a minor scrape or two. But just to show you how the liberal media protects Democrats, they aren't reporting that Dick Durbin was the one who took the training wheels off the President's bike. And now you know...the rest of the story.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

The Best 404s

A collection of the "best" 404 error pages. Here's an amusing example that's both fairly hostile and done in Flash.

404 page

In the name of all that's standards-compliant, who the heck would build a 404 page with Flash?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:41 PM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2005

Wrong side of the bed

This hilarious ad from Starbucks features some seemingly solid citizens behaving in unexpectedly rude ways. It reminds me of Southwestern Bell's "net hog" ad from 2000.

And isn't that Edith Piaf singing in the background?

[MOV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:10 PM | Comments (0)

Idiot sightings

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road.

The reason? "Too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.


I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Three more to come...


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM | Comments (0)

World browsing

Google Earth is a free download from Google that has a lot of cool features.

Google Earth

I don't have much experience with it, but CodeWritinFool sent me some nice images he'd pulled up with it. They looked great.


The Lomographic Society International hosts a collection of images from cities around the world. Here's someone's image of San Xavier del Bac in Tucson:
The White Dove

Posted by joke du jour at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)

July 09, 2005

EuroBad

Welcome to EUROBAD '74, an exhibition of Europe's worst interiors of 1974.

EuroBad.jpg

This had me laughing out loud. Click the image to take the tour.

Posted by joke du jour at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)

How to tape a cat

This video is pretty hilarious; click the image to play it. It's in WMV format and I believe it comes from Japan.

TapeACat.jpg

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 03:05 PM | Comments (1)

Dumb Men jokes

Many of our Men Are Morons jokes come from Carol J. I just realized how many of these she's sent me over the years when I found the ones below in the JDJ way-back machine. They're from July 1992. Happy 13th anniversary, Carol!

Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts ?

A: When the crew gets lost in space at least the woman will ask directions.


Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework ?

A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.


Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T. ?

A: E.T. phoned home.


Q: What did God say after He'd created Man ?

A: "I can do better than this."


Q: How are men like noodles ?

A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they always need dough.

Posted by joke du jour at 02:54 PM | Comments (0)

Illusions

A collection of 55 illusions and visual phenomena, many done in Quicktime or Flash. Here's an example:

Illusion.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 02:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 08, 2005

7/7

unionjack.gif

For more, see the UK blogs aggregator, the Command Post and this summary article at the Wall Street Journal site.

Posted by joke du jour at 01:00 AM | Comments (0)

I'd like to see more of this...

was our contributor's subject line, when he sent this clip Wednesday evening, July 6. It seems very appropriate in light of the events of July 7.

Volkswagen denies any involvement with this clip.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 12:58 AM

July 07, 2005

World Wide Wackiness

Our contributor's subject line. Click the image to read the whole article.

Tempel 1 impactMOSCOW (AP) - NASA's mission that sent a space probe smashing into a comet raised more than cosmic dust - it also brought a lawsuit from a Russian astrologer.

Marina Bai has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:10 AM | Comments (0)

Sunday morning bells

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 'ding' and out on the 'dong'."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that ice cream truck hadn't come along..."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:08 AM | Comments (0)

No captions needed

alcohol_research.jpg


blonde.jpg


want_me.jpg


palm_pilot.jpg


romance_books.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 AM | Comments (0)

July 05, 2005

Surreal indeed

"Beware of the beer that turns you into an ostrich."

An ad from Stella-Artois (Belgian beer brewers); MOV format viewable here. Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)

Silence is golden

On their wedding night, the young bride asked her new husband for $20.00 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years - with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was downsizing and that he'd been let go. It was unlikely that he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, at the age of 55. Thus they were looking at financial hard times.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits which were worth over $2 million. She explained that during the 30 years that she'd charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of assets worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak... When he finally he found his voice he blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I'd have given you all my business!"

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

Posted by joke du jour at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)

The No. 1 Lady Detective

From the Sunday Herald Online:

Lady DetectiveNOT long after dawn in the southern Afghan city of Kandahar and a steely-eyed, handsome woman in a grey police uniform is going through a daily ritual of checks at her modest home. The checks are not mere routine; if she is to survive until dusk they could be of crucial importance. First her six children are breakfasted, their faces washed and hairbrushed and they are made ready for school.

Next comes the firearms check. Malalai Kakar counts bullets into a curved AK-47 metal clip, rams it home into her assault rifle, and makes sure the safety catch is on. She is never first through the steel door into the dangerous street outside; her bodyguard, younger brother Toryalai, also clutching a Kalashnikov, cautiously peers out at the neighbourhood left and right, to ensure no assassins are waiting. Police headquarters are called on the radio to see whether there has been any violence during the night. Prayers are said.

When these morning rituals are completed and the kids are off to school, Kandahar's most fearsome woman hoists a blue burkha over her head, climbs into a pick-up truck and heads off to the office; another busy day with murderers, sexual abusers and wife batterers is about to begin.

via Wretchard.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:25 PM | Comments (0)

How many dogs to change a light bulb?

There are 14 of these altogether.

dog_1.jpg
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

dog_2.jpg
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

dog_3.jpg
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

dog_4.jpg
Rottweiler: Make me

dog_5.jpg
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

dog_6.jpg
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

dog_7.jpg
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

dog_8.jpg
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

dog_9.jpg
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

dog_10.jpg
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

dog_11.jpg
Chihuahua: We don't need no steenkeeng light bulb.

dog_12.jpg
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

dog_13.jpg
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

dog_14.jpg
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:23 PM | Comments (2)

July 02, 2005

Don't stop the drums

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums and he thinks, "Wow, this is pretty cool."

When he goes to the beach, he hears drums; when he eats lunch, he hears drums; when he goes to a luau, he hears drums. When he tries to go to sleep, he still hears drums.

This goes on for several nights and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at all because of the drums. So finally he goes down to the front desk to complain.

When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums? Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. Very bad if drums stop!"

"Why?"

"Drums stop - bass solo begin."

Posted by joke du jour at 12:56 PM | Comments (1)

Tetka

Click the image to view this clever Flash clip; refresh the window (F5 on MS Windows systems) to re-play it.

Tetka

Via The Agitator.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)

Dressing for success

Click the image to visit this site hosted by Durex.

Dickorations

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:30 PM | Comments (0)