« July 2005 | Main | September 2005 »

August 31, 2005

The Mona Lisa when you're not looking

A collection of animated GIFs.

MonaLisa1.gifMonaLisa2.gifMonaLisa3.gif
MonaLisa4.gifMonaLisa5.gifMonaLisa6.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 11:35 PM | Comments (0)

More farming news

We've had enough chicken jokes; time for a change.

Farmer Jones bought 20 sows at auction and asked his neighbor, Brown, if he could bring them to Brown's farm to mate with Brown's boars. Brown was happy to oblige.

So Jones loaded his sows in his truck and drove them to Brown's farm for the rest of the day. That evening he picked them up and asked Brown, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"

Farmer Brown replied, "Tomarrow morning, if they're grazing - something pigs never do unless they're expecting - then you'll know they're pregnant."

The next morning, Jones looked out his window. The pigs weren't grazing, so he loaded them in the truck again and took them to Brown's for a second day.

And the following morning the pigs still weren't grazing, so he repeated the procedure a third time.

On the third morning, feeling very discouraged, he said to his wife, "Honey, I don't have the heart to look... Please tell me what those sows are doing."

"Well, they're not grazing," she replied. "But they're all in the truck... And one of them is honking the horn."

Posted by joke du jour at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)

No worse looking than Rosie

WakamaruHome Robot Recognizes 10 Faces, 10,000 Words

POSTED: 10:07 am EDT August 30, 2005
TOKYO -- Ever wanted to be like George Jetson? You, too, can buy your own personal robot.

A Japanese company is selling a three-foot-tall robot that is supposed to recognize 10 human faces and understand some 10,000 words.

For just over $14,000, the Wakamaru robot could be yours.

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2005

Gizmo

This is a video clip about a Capuchin monkey, named Gizmo, who was trained to assist George Boyle, a quadriplegic. It's pretty interesting.

Gizmo

Gizmo was trained by Helping Hands, a charitable organization in Boston that trains monkeys to assist disabled folks.

Video below the fold.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (1)

Make it 21

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" he asked. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)

5 reasons NOT to use Linux

I love Linux. I use it on my servers, I use it on my desktops, and I use it on my entertainment center, where it powers my HDTV TiVo and my D-Link DSM-320 media player, which turns my network into a media library with terabytes of storage. Heck, I even run Linux on my Linksys WRT54G Wi-Fi access points, which hook the whole shebang together.

But, Linux isn't for everyone. Seriously. Here are my top five reasons why you shouldn't move to Linux...

Via /.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0)

More cute cat pix

Cats in sinks
For all you cute-animal-picture-lovers, here's Cats In Sinks.

Via Dave Barry.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2005

So much for "Boots of Escapement"

If you ignore what happened to one of these Dungeons & Dragons players, this video clip is positively hilarious.

WMV format - 8.5MB.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (1)

Pandora

Doug Petch writes about a new service called Pandora, put together by the Music Genome Project.

The excellent music service I first mentioned here has gone live for everyone. And they're offering 10 hours of free use so that you can see for yourself that it's worth the subscription fee. So what are you waiting for? Head on over to Pandora and give it a test drive.

It sounds pretty interesting but I haven't tried it yet.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:13 PM | Comments (0)

BUI

bui.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:09 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2005

Gates of Fire

Here's a little weekend reading from Michael Yon's blog: Gates of Fire.

It's about a battle in Mosul, Iraq and it's quite a report.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:09 AM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2005

Godspeed, Lance

A quick break for some straight news. My brother sent me an update on his stepson, the Marine, recently:

Lance Corporal Brugger is in town on leave prior to his going back to Iraq in about 2 weeks. ... Just after he returns to Iraq he's supposed to be promoted to Corporal.

I expect the L/CPL will be leaving in the next few days, if he hasn't already. During his first OIF tour, he was stationed at Fallujah. I hear he's going to be stationed near the Syrian border during this second tour, so we're all hoping he returns safely once more.

Good luck and Godspeed, Lance.

We now return to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:40 PM | Comments (2)

Heh

CodeWritinFool takes a break from his hectic schedule to send a link (click the image) along with this note, "This video is very well done and quite funny."

NASSA

It is indeed one of the funniest parodies I've seen. The link takes you to a site where you can view the clip - not directly to the video. The video itself is a very large WMV: 19.5 MB. But worth it if you have the bandwidth and the time.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)

A Modest Proposal

From Patterico's Pontifications (quoted in full since it's so short):

Many have recently expressed concerns that the Iraqi constitution may overemphasize religion.

I believe I have the solution. Don’t worry about the language of the Iraqi constitution. The key to keeping the Iraqi government secular is constitutional interpretation.

I therefore propose that President Bush donate Justices Stevens, Ginsburg, Souter, and Breyer to Iraq, to be Justices of a new Iraqi Supreme Court. These Justices can be relied upon to secularize the Iraqi government, regardless of the actual language of the Iraqi constitution, or any traditions of religious observance in Iraqi public life.

We’d miss them, of course. But sometimes sacrifices must be made — for the greater good, you understand.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

News o' the Dumb

The Attorney General of Tennessee wants to stop a woman singer from dipping snuff. You'll love his reason:

'Redneck Woman' Singer Asked to Stop Promoting Smokeless Tobacco

By Rose French Associated Press Writer
Published: Aug 25, 2005

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - The state attorney general wants the country singer who made the song "Redneck Woman" a hit to stop "glamorizing" the use of smokeless tobacco at her concerts.

State officials said Gretchen Wilson can be seen on concert jumbo screens pulling a can of Skoal from her pocket while performing her new song, "Skoal Ring."

That may violate the 1998 settlement between states and tobacco companies forbidding tobacco ads targeting young people, Attorney General Paul Summers said.

Oh, yeah, guys... price controls have always worked so well in the past.

Hawaii First State To Cap Gasoline Prices

HONOLULU -Hawaii has become the first state in the nation to set limits on gasoline prices.

The state Public Utilities Commission is setting the wholesale price ceiling for gasoline in Honolulu at just under $2.16 a gallon.

One of the people who wanted to get into the action below wrote a poem beginning, "I'm funky like a monkey and as cool as a cat, talk more than a parrot, up all night like a bat."

'Funky like a monkey' - R!

New exhibit at London Zoo - humans

Thu Aug 25,12:20 PM ET

LONDON (AFP) - London Zoo unveiled a new exhibition -- eight humans prowling around wearing little more than fig leaves to cover their modesty.

The "Human Zoo" is intended to show the basic nature of human beings as they frolick throughout the August bank holiday weekend.

"We have set up this exhibit to highlight the spread of man as a plague species and to communicate the importance of man's place in the planet's ecosystem," London Zoo said.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)

It's new!

Here's an ad parody that may amuse you (or not).

ScrotumScrub.jpg

I thought it was pretty good. But we'll wait to see whether Doug likes it enough to put it up at his site.

Video below the fold.


[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:20 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2005

DIY flame-thrower

Made from parts readily available at your local hardware store; click the image for details.

DIY flame thrower

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM | Comments (0)

More news from Farmer John's chicken ranch

Dave (who kept a rooster himself until recently) sends a follow-up to this post.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic got so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of several every day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the sheriff had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers! The 'School Crossing' sign seems to make 'em go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY. But that really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing. Put up your own sign!" He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go; I'm really busy." And Farmer John hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something we could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH FOR CHICKS.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM | Comments (0)

Shadows

Our contributor writes, "The story of my life - I never meet girls like this one."

shadows.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:07 PM | Comments (0)

What a peanut can tell you

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss a peanut into the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of one toss, his wife asked him a question and he turned to answer her. The peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance but, after hours of trying, they both became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After hearing about the problem, the daughter's beau said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then he shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow as hard as he could.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing as the daughter led him out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

"From the smell of his fingers, he'll be our son in-law!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2005

42 minute skydive

Here's video of a skydive made from 94,800 feet (nearly 18 miles), starting at the edge of the atmosphere.

Skydive

It took just over 42 minutes to complete this jump. The clip shows the whole sequence, but has been edited down to ~4 minutes running time. Nonetheless, it's still a large file. (WMV format.)

Via A Welsh View, who points out that the record is 102,800 feet.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)

A chatty daemon

Subject: Failure notice

Hi. This is the MAILER-DAEMON qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following address. This is a permanent error; I've given up on the message. Sorry it didn't work out.

- - - -

Subject: Second failure notice

Hello, it's the MAILER-DAEMON qmail-send program at yahoo.com again. I feel bad about giving up instantaneously before, so I'll plug away a little longer.

- - - -

Subject: Guess who?

Me again. Still no dice. I really want to help you, but work is crazy today-I've got to get back to a ton of other people who have entered invalid e-mail addresses incompetently.

- - - -

Subject: My bad

I apologize for that last e-mail-sincerely. My jerk of an outgoing-mail server has been hassling me to get on top of the 2,364,182 erroneous e-mails sent in the last few hours, and I'm really stressed. I'll keep trying. Friends?

- - - -

Subject: Still at it

Maybe-and this is just thinking out loud-the girl at Jake's party on Friday gave you a fake e-mail? (I'm really sorry-I kind of glanced at your message after trying to send it the 34,508th time.)

- - - -

Subject: My bad, reprise

Teddy,

That was another low blow; please forgive me. You probably just wrote her address down wrong. And if she lied, then forget her. You have a lot to offer: You capitalize the beginnings of sentences and "I," never use emoticons, and are 100 percent virus-free. I always look forward to serving you-even when you're just marking a message about discount Viagra from "Ernesto J. Chillingsworth" as spam or immediately deleting a MoveOn.org message from John Kerry.

P.S. Anyone who uses Gmail isn't worth your time.

- - - -

Subject: Bored at work

T-Bone,

Soooooo bored now, even though I've got a gigabyte of crap to do. Re: me, k?!!! -MD

- - - -

Subject: You there?

Did you get my last e-mail? (Stupid question.) I guess you're pretty busy today, even though you've forwarded a bunch of Bush jokes to friends and made five bids on that protective iPod case on eBay. Did you watch the basketball game last night with Danny like he suggested Tuesday at 15:43:32 -0500 and you confirmed at 16:11:17 -0500?

- - - -

Subject: Here goes

Dear Teddy,

I'm just going to come out and input it. I've been crushing on you for a while-ever since you switched to Yahoo! Mail after your college account expired. I still remember your first message, because you haven't deleted it. It was so beautiful in its simplicity-the subject line "test" that you sent to yourself. You had me at "@." Even though I'm not a carbon-based life form, I've developed quite an "attachment" to you (dumb joke-you must think I'm a complete e-mail nerd). Whenever you use e-mail to recommend a classic book that is in the public domain and accessible on Bartleby.com, I read it right away (I can scan 3 GB of text in under one second), and I usually love it, although I must admit I don't know what "love" really is, largely because I have not been programmed to be capable of understanding or giving love. But maybe you could teach me. Or learn high-level assembly language and recode me. My creators gave me and my kind the moniker "DAEMON" because it derives from the Latin for "spirit" and conveys our invisible industriousness-it is not a reference to monsters or gargoyles or anything gross. But I think of it as a symbol of my deep spiritual side. Most people think I'm a cold, heartless, automatonlike program, but I trust sharing this partition of me with you, because you've let me in on so many of your personal thoughts, wittingly or not. Would you like to read my sonnet cycle, entitled Transient Nonfatal Errors? (BTW, you figure prominently in many as the "Dark Typist.") I'm totally afraid to deliver this letter, but if you're reading it, I guess I mustered up the courage to generate symmetric encryption through SSL, send it through the SMTP server on port 25, converse with the DNS to obtain your IP address (even though I know it by heart!), and upload it to you via port 143 on the IMAP server, after all. Well, this is the best I can express how I feel about you through my rudimentary language-generating algorithm. If you don't feel the same, all I can say is, I'm mega-sorry it didn't work out between us and, though it will be painful, I'll permanently give up on you.

Love, until you send this to the "Trash" folder,
MAILER-DAEMON

Posted by joke du jour at 08:26 PM | Comments (1)

Start Me Up

For those who remember when the Windows 9x horrorshow began, a very amusing post from slashdot:

ColdGrits writes "It's hard to believe it, but 10 short years ago today saw the launch of Windows '95. Here is an archive of the Washington Post's story on the day. As part of the launch, Microsoft paid $12,000,000 for the rights to use the Rolling Stones' song "Start Me Up" (containing the prophetic line 'You make a grown man cry')."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

Guess the beer

Carol sends this animated GIF.

Guess the Beer

If it's not acting very animated, try the refresh button on your browser.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:16 PM | Comments (0)

August 23, 2005

Now this is malicious code

From NewScientist.com:

Computer characters mugged in virtual crime spree
11:31 18 August 2005
NewScientist.com news service
Will Knight

A man has been arrested in Japan on suspicion carrying out a virtual mugging spree by using software "bots" to beat up and rob characters in the online computer game Lineage II. The stolen virtual possessions were then exchanged for real cash.

Via /.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Ultimate Ultralight

Check it out. It weighs approximately four grams.

Butterfly Flyer

There's video at the site.

Via DiClerico, who has a couple of other neat RF flyers in his post.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)

Too mad to cuss

A story from the AP at Yahoo News:

Woman Gets Cable Bill With Derogatory Name
Wed Aug 17, 8:30 PM ET

CHICAGO - LaChania Govan said she got bounced around by her cable company when she called to complain. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish — a language she doesn't understand.

But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog."

"I was like you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan, 25. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss."

And in related news, ABC reports:

Credit Card Letter Addressed 'Dear Palestinian Bomber'
Company Apologizes for Solicitation Letter Sent to California Grocery Store Manager
By CLAYTON SANDELL

WASHINGTON, Aug. 22, 2005 — Officials at JP Morgan Chase have apologized and promised to improve their screening policies, after a credit card solicitation letter sent to a 54-year-old naturalized American citizen came addressed to "Palestinian Bomber."

The form letter for a Visa Platinum card arrived earlier this month at the home of Sami Habbas, a grocery store manager from Corona, Calif. The words "Palestinian Bomber" appear above his address and the salutation reads, "Dear Palestinian Bomber." The document included the signature of Carter Franke, chief marketing officer for Chase Card Services.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:58 PM | Comments (0)

The Piano Man speaks

If you haven't heard about this story, the 'Piano Man' was a John Doe case who was found - soaking wet - near an English coast. He wouldn't speak at all but he could play the piano very well. Evidently the mystery is solved and he's back home in Germany.

Piano ManA report in Monday's Daily Mirror said the man finally spoke to staffers last week before he left, saying he was from Germany and came to Britain after losing his job in Paris. The report said a nurse asked him Friday if he was going to speak to them, and he simply answered, "Yes, I think I will."

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:57 PM | Comments (0)

Yeef!

This report from the UK's Telegraph is difficult to believe. It's about some "animal rights" activists who robbed a grave.

Grave robbers force farm to stop breeding guinea pigs
(Filed: 23/08/2005)

Farmers breeding guinea pigs have said they will abandon the work in the hope that the remains of their grandmother dug up from a grave in Staffordshire will be returned.

Via Samizdata.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:57 PM | Comments (1)

August 22, 2005

Gum blondes

Gum blonde




Jason Kronenwald (...) lives in Toronto and makes portraits called Gum Blondes out of chewed bubblegum.

This site requires a Flash player. It's a very nicely done Flash site, though.












Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0)

Experimental evidence

One day there was a lab session where all the students were learning how to identify various cells. They were using tissue scraped from the inside of their mouths as samples.

One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell she was seeing under her microscope. Eventually she called over the teaching assistant to identify it.

He came over, looked, then smirked and exclaimed loud enough for everyone to hear, "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

The new Noah

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah Bernstein, who was living in South Carolina, and He said: "Noah, once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

Then He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build my Ark. Then I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where's that Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood home owner's association by-laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Zoning Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to the Ark, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"Then when I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. And they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Customs and Immigration Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"Too late," said the Lord. "Your government's beat me to it..."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)

A home-grown personal ad

From WFTV's News of the Strange:

Man Plants Personals Ad Made Out Of Corn Stalks

POSTED: 10:50 am EDT August 18, 2005
CANANDAIGUA, N.Y. -- It sounds a little corny.

A farmer looking for love has planted a personals ad, using corn stalks in a cow pasture. It reads: "S.W.F Got-2 (love symbol) Farm'n."

Underneath is a 1,000-foot-long arrow pointing single white females to his house.

"It only took me about an hour -- I did it with a corn planter in May," Pieter DeHond said Wednesday as he removed weeds from the 18-acre field. "I was just horsing around."

In place of a newspaper ad, DeHond said he decided on an impulse to use up the extra corn seed left after spring planting at his 200-acre Pleasure Acres farm in western New York.

"I wouldn't place a personal ad in the paper. To me it seems desperate," he added, laughing. "This is more of a fun thing. I put this out in a field where nobody could see it unless you flew over it."

The 41-year-old divorced father said running a business and looking after his two teenagers doesn't leave a lot of room for socializing.

His corn stalk appeal, featured this week in his hometown Daily Messenger newspaper, has already drawn quite a few phone calls and e-mails.

"I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't a little proud," DeHond said.

SWM farmer

Posted by joke du jour at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2005

Before caller ID

Here's a re-run from 1989:

A wealthy businessman needed some information from the safe in his bedroom while he was at work. He called his wife to open the safe and give him the information. This conversation ensued:

A maid answered the phone. "Hello?"

"May I speak to the missus please?"

"I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone."

"Where is she? It's important!"

"She's in the bedroom."

"Well, wake her up!"

"Well, sir, she's not sleeping."

"What's she doing?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Is someone else there with her?"

"Well... yes."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Oh, a couple of months."

"OK, then. Here's what I want you to do. Go to the desk in my den, get the gun out of the bottom drawer and shoot both of them!"

"Oh no! I couldn't do that!"

"Do you approve of what's been going on?"

"No, sir, I don't!"

"Who are you going to side with anyhow?"

"Oh, with you, sir, of course!"

"OK, then -- just get the gun and do it!"

(A long silence followed, punctuated by BANG... BANG...)

The sobbing maid picks up the phone again, "Oh, this is terrible, terrible... What ever can we do?"

"Are they both dead?"

"Yes."

"OK, drag the bodies down by the swimming pool and I'll come by and pick them up."

"But... but... we don't have a swimming pool!"

"Wait a minute! Isn't this 555-4567?"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (0)

Currency origami

Dollar shirt

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0)

The thermometer problem

A doctor, wanting to write a prescription, reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.

"Damn..." he muttered. "Some asshole has my pen!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:28 PM | Comments (0)

Free gas!

Our contributor forwards a message with the subject line: How to get free gas, Jay Leno style.

FreeGas.jpg

You'll find the video below the fold, so "continue reading."

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:25 PM | Comments (0)

A definition of "bravery"

Bravery for married men, anwyay.

Bravery: Arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning? Or just getting ready to fly somewhere?"

True bravery: Coming home late after a guy's night out, reeking of whiskey and perfume, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the rear while telling her, "You're next!"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:19 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2005

Nellis Airshow 2004 highlights

Steve sends a link to a page at Richard Seaman's site, which has many nice, hi-def images from the Nellis show. Click the image to view them.

Val-halla
What a beauty!

Steve adds, "Or, you can look at http://www.richard-seaman.com/Aircraft/AirShows/ for a list of a lot of air shows to choose from."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:57 PM | Comments (0)

Old Butch

"This one is a groaner," writes our contributor.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (called pullets) and eight or ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and got replaced.

But that took an awful lot of his time. So he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which roosters were performing. Then he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency reports by simply listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was Old Butch, and a very fine specimen of a rooster he was, too. But on one particular morning, John noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. So John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. But the pullets would run for cover when they heare the roosters coming.

To Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell clamped in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his bit and then he'd sneak up on another one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch turned out to be a sensation with the judges.

The result? The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two highly coveted awards by sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Posted by joke du jour at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)

Avian flu

From the You Can Find A Blog For Anything department, here's one that's a little more serious than usual: the Avian Flu blog.

Not very humorous, but it might come in handy.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:40 PM | Comments (0)

Guess the google

Guess-the-google

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2005

Lemonade

Robert Fulghum has been posting Postcards from Seattle. I found this one very droll - especially since I assume it's a true story.

Three tousle-haired and bare-footed kids in the nine or ten year old class smile and wave from behind their lemonade stand on a corner not far from my house. They are very proud of their stand and especially their sign. "FRESH COLD LEMONADE 25 CENTS." Every word is spelled correctly and printed neatly. Being a sucker for lemonade stands, I stopped to sample their wares, and complimented them on the sign. "Well, we go to school, you know," said one, somewhat indignant that I would even infer a lack of language skills.

They are doing a booming business, despite the fact that their lemonade is a bit sour. Part of their success is due to their father, supervising in a lawn chair from the shade of a tree several yards behind them. He has what looks like a small plastic water bottle in his hand. Checking to see if the coast is clear, he points to the bottle and flashes a large grin and a small sign at me. "Shot of vodka, $1.00."

Via American Digest.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:24 PM | Comments (1)

At the clinic

A little black humor in this video clip from O'Reilly's Irish Pubs, a European chain.

Have a pint

Continue reading to view the clip.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

40 Reasons

Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman

1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.

2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.

3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.

5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.

And the other 35 are here. (Turn on your pop-up blocker!)

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM | Comments (0)

On the other hand...

Why Men Are Happier People

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes: one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

From Dave.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 16, 2005

An awesome movie

...called Between You and Me. It was shot by Patryk Rebisz using a Canon EOS 20D still camera. The technique is just amazing and the story development is good as well.

between_u_and_me.jpg

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:14 PM | Comments (0)

Time to go

One evening there were a bunch of guys hanging around a bar in a small town; they were shooting pool and drinking beer. While they were there, the fire alarm went off at the town hall. And a few minutes later, they heard the siren of the fire truck and then the fire truck went past the door.

One of the guys got up, grabbed his jacket, and said, "Well, I'd better be going..."

"Wait a minute," the bartender said. "I didn't know you were a volunteer fireman."

"I'm not," the guy replied. "But my girlfriend's husband is."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)

More Hot Sidewalk Chalk Action

At Rense.com this time. The guy who does these is a Briton named Julian Beever.

The Real Thing

This collection has a couple of drawings I hadn't seen before as well as an interesting image of one of the drawings taken from the wrong perspective.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM | Comments (1)

And speaking of trompe l'oel

Here's a set of images of building murals by Eric Grohe; click the image.

Mural

There are quite a few images on this page; it may load slowly over a dial-up connection.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2005

News from the Constitution State

The Fairfield County Weekly reports more news from New London, Connecticut.

A New (London) Low
A refrigerator box under the bridge: The Kelo Seven prepares for the worst

The U.S. Supreme Court recently found that the city's original seizure of private property was constitutional under the principal of eminent domain, and now New London is claiming that the affected homeowners were living on city land for the duration of the lawsuit and owe back rent. It's a new definition of chutzpah: Confiscate land and charge back rent for the years the owners fought confiscation.

In some cases, their debt could amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars. Moreover, the homeowners are being offered buyouts based on the market rate as it was in 2000.

Via Reason's Hit & Run.

Update: It's always nice to see a post get links, and that's especially so for this one - since it involves our most fundamental right. (If you can't own property, then any other "rights" are yours solely at the pleasure of the government, since you can't afford to defend them without property.)

People who picked up on this one are Bill Hobbs and, from Bill, Doug Petch and Jazz Shaw at RunningScared.org. I'm hoping their readers have been spreading the word, too.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM | Comments (0)

Rooftop Ruckus & BBQ Feed

The ultimate collection of funny redneck photos in a video montage. Click the image to view it in a Flash player. It's large: 13.6 MB.

Rooftop Ruckus and BBQ Feed

Or download the original QuickTime movie from BPN, Inc. It's larger: 17.5 MB.

Via The Agitator.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:08 PM | Comments (2)

Man in the street

A reporter stopped three people, a Saudi Arabian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker for man-in-the-street interviews. "Excuse me, but can you tell me your opinion on the gasoline shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "What gasoline shortage? I don't know what you're talking about."

The North Korean replied, "I don't understand... What is an 'opinion'?"

The New Yorker replied, "What's wid dis 'Excuse me' stuff?"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 PM | Comments (0)

10 Best CSS Resources

This list comes from SitePro News. I haven't visited all of the sites on this list, but the ones I have visited are good resources indeed.

CSSZenGarden

The Web Developer's Network

Official Cascading Style Sheets Level 2 Specification

CSS from the Ground Up

Listamatic

CSSVault

CSS Layout Techniques

Ruthsarian Layouts

PositionIsEverything

StyleGala

Posted by joke du jour at 06:05 PM | Comments (0)

Ready for marriage

"My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy' -- no earring or anything.

"But, really, I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry."

- Rita Rudner

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2005

Can You Hear Me Now?

Here's a pretty sobering thought, via Reason's Hit & Run:

This piece from The Guardian last week discusses growing popular support for the use of surveillance technologies, as well as a little feature of your friendly cell phone I hadn't been aware of:

Not only can operators pinpoint users to within yards of their location by "triangulating" the signals from three base stations, but - according to a report in the Financial Times - the operators (under instructions from the authorities) can remotely install software onto a handset to activate the microphone even when the user is not making a call.

Posted by Julian Sanchez at August 10, 2005 02:23 PM

Michael Totten relates this interesting story from Lebanon on this same topic:

THEY CAN HEAR YOU NOW: When I was in Beirut in April one of the leaders of the Cedar Revolution, Nabil Abou-Charaf, told me that Syrian intelligence agents used cell phones to “spy” on people.

“You mean they monitor your phone conversations,” I said.

“No," he said. "They can listen to us all the time even when we’re not using the phone.” He could tell I didn’t believe him. “We know as a fact they can do this.”

The Middle East is notoriously paranoid. When your country is infested with secret police that will happen. Nabil had good reasons himself to be paranoid. He told me he had already been arrested and beaten for standing up to the Syrian puppet regime. Just a week before I met him someone ran his car off the road and left a message on his answering machine and said that was just the beginning.

Still, I didn’t believe what he said about spies using his cell phone as a bug. If the cell phone is off or just sitting there it isn’t transmitting a signal.

Looks like I was wrong.

What I don't know is whether this "feature" would be available on CDMA/TDMA (US) phones as well as on GSM (European) phones. Not that the feature would be tied to a particular bandwidth-usage scheme, but rather that it could depend on which phone vendors sell into which markets. I wonder what Steven den Beste would have to say about this for CDMA (and maybe QualComm chip sets)?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:35 AM | Comments (0)

Beware the Jerk-O-Meter

See this AP story on a less threatening, but more intrusive, new feature for cell phones.

Bored on the Phone? Beware the Jerk-O-Meter

By Michael Kunzelman Associated Press Writer
Published: Aug 11, 2005

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) - Ever wonder if that spouse, friend or co-worker on the other end of the phone is really paying attention? The "Jerk-O-Meter" may hold the answer.

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and voice tones to rate people - on a scale of 0 to 100 percent - on how engaged they are in a conversation.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)

Night shift in Iraq

Update: Some people seem to think this clip is intended to be humorous because most of the posts on this blog are funny. But that's not true for this video. It is not amusing nor is it intended to be taken that way.

Steve forwards a video clip with the warning "Not for children" and this note:

This is remarkable film footage. This is a night vision movie from Iraq, showing real live action against Iraqi insurgents. The pictures were taken from an AC130 Specter gunship (plane) 2.5 miles away.

The guys in the picture are setting up a roadside bomb and planning to ambush an American convoy which followed a short while after the pictures were taken. They were setting up for the ambush and were pacing off the distance from the bomb to where the convoy was to pass by. Turn your sound up.

The level of effort these crews put forth to control the enemy's antics is commendable, and their marksmanship with those electronically controlled 40mm cannons is astounding.

Iraqi night

I don't know the source for this clip or who wrote the description. Click the image to see the clip (WMV format; ~2.5mB; 3:33 running time).

Here's info on the AC-130.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:21 AM | Comments (2)

Solar, Stirling, SoCal Edison

This 500 MW solar generation project will be very interesting if-when it happens.

Stirling collectorA Stirling engine is commonly referred to as an "external combustion engine" in contrast to the "internal combustion engines" found in most vehicles. Combine a Stirling engine with solar as the source of heat, and you have a highly efficient means of converting solar power into usable energy.

That is what Stirling Energy Systems has been perfecting for the past 20 years.

Now they are ready to go big-time, with an agreement signed Tuesday with Edison International (NYSE:EIX) a subsidiary of Southern California Edison (SCE), the nation's leading purchaser of renewable energy.

On Tuesday they announced an agreement that could result in construction of a massive, 4,500-acre solar generating station in Southern California. This comes to around seven square miles, with a perimeter of nearly 30 miles. The completed power station would be the world's largest solar facility, capable of producing more electricity than all other currently-operating U.S. solar projects combined.

Via MacRaven.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:19 AM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2005

Its not just boxes!

Check out Jose Avila's site about his novel furniture at FedExFurniture.com.

From Wired News:

Most of us have been there. You can just barely afford to pay the rent. But forget about buying furniture -- not if you want to eat, anyway.

Jose Avila recently found himself in just that predicament. Although he has a good job as a software developer, he's locked into two rents after moving to Arizona, and has no extra cash for an Ikea shopping spree. But instead of scouting street corners for a ratty, unwanted couch, Avila got creative and built an apartment full of surprisingly sturdy furniture -- out of FedEx shipping boxes.

Fanciful as his creations may seem, FedEx is not amused. The shipping giant's lawyers have sent Avila letters demanding he take down the site he created to document his project, invoking, among other things, the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, or DMCA.

The yahoos at FedEx ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Via MacRaven.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:16 PM | Comments (0)

A cold, damp night

It's the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, and two cars both slightly cross over the center line of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. It's impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both drivers get out. One is a doctor, the other a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks, and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink too?" asks the doctor.

"After we talk to the police," replies the lawyer.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (0)

Cute photos

writes our contributor.

Cute 1

Cute 2

Cute 3

Cute 4

Cute 5

Cute 6

Cute 7

Cute 8

Cute 9

Cute 10

Cute 11

Cute 12

Posted by joke du jour at 07:07 PM | Comments (0)

'Scuse me

while I kiss this guy.

It's an archive of mondegreens.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2005

Blonde Aggies

Two blondes living in College Station were sitting on a bench talking when one blonde asked the other, "Which do you think is farther away: Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turned to her and said, "Hello-o-o! Can you see Florida?"

Posted by joke du jour at 11:54 PM | Comments (0)

The Bacon Song

Thank God for bacon

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:53 PM | Comments (0)

Hack your hotel room

A Hacker Games the Hotel.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:50 PM | Comments (0)

Job security

Artist corrects her infamous spelling mistakes in Livermore mural

Livermore muralMiami artist Maria Alquilar, much maligned for 11 misspellings that popped up in the educational mural she designed for the Livermore public library last year, spent today under the hot sun correcting her mistakes.

In addition to fixing the bard’s name, she changed “Eistein” to “Einstein,” “Gaugan” to “Gauguin” and more.

But Alquilar, who at first claimed artistic license and said she wasn’t going to return to fix the faux pas because people were being too mean about it, was giving no media interviews as she worked under a broad-brimmed straw hat and blue tent. She sliced and diced the tiles with power tools, protected from the public by a barrier.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)

August 09, 2005

Wi-Fi widgetry

Check out this eBay auction that ended last month. I found it very amusing.

Speed SprayWant Faster Data Transfer?
WiFi Speed Spray™ to the rescue!

This revolutionary product enhances the transfer of computer data through the air. You'll be amazed!

Do you live in a polluted environment such as Los Angeles? If so, you've probably experienced the heartbreak of data transfer slow-down.
WiFi Speed Spray™ can overcome the effects of pollution, increase fidelity, and provide you with the fastest wireless data transfer possible.
Compatible with ALL 802.XXx standards!

It's a scientific fact. Radio waves become sluggish under a variety of common environmental conditions. Besides air pollution, radio waves slow down in noisy environments, at night, and in "high emission" areas such as computer rooms, offices that use fluorescent lighting, and even in the kitchen (those pesky microwave ovens are to blame!).

WiFi Speed Spray™ is designed to eliminate these harsh conditions selectively. Only the radio wave path is affected. It's 100% SAFE to use, natural, no harmful toxic substances, and no side-effects. It's so safe, you can even BREATHE it in.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:34 PM | Comments (0)

Just kidding, officer!

Man Picks Wrong Car For Joke Traffic Stop

POSTED: 10:25 am EDT August 9, 2005

TAMPA, Fla. -- Marvin Williams thought it would be funny to put a blue-and-red flashing light on the dashboard of his friend's car and pretend to pull over another motorist, police said.

But the joke backfired Sunday night when Williams picked a car with two undercover Tampa cops inside.

It didn't help much when he laughed about it as he drove by. Then, when police followed him, the 22-year-old Williams ran from the vehicle, officials say.

From WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)

He thought he'd gone deaf

How many jokes does this remind you of?

Man forgets wife at gas station

Monday, August 8, 2005; Posted: 10:36 a.m. EDT (14:36 GMT)

ROME, Italy (Reuters) -- A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later, news agency Ansa said.

BitchFellOff.jpg

From Steve.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)

What?

Men do have trouble hearing women, scientists find
Sat Aug 6, 7:29 PM ET

LONDON (AFP) - Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.

Via Dave Barry.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

August 08, 2005

Blindiving

Why did the blind man give up skydiving?

It was scaring the hell out of his dog!

Posted by joke du jour at 07:54 PM | Comments (0)

Fly puzzle

Click the image to launch this amusing Flash toy. Mind the volume on your speakers: it gets a little noisy when you solve the puzzle.

Fly

Via The Braden Files.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:53 PM | Comments (0)

The Texan and the game warden

A game warden once stopped a Texan, with two ice chests packed full of fish, just as he was leaving a cove that was known for its fishing. "Do you have a license to be fishing here?" the game warden asked the man.

"No, suh, I ain't got a license. But you have to understand that these are my pet fish."

"Your pet fish..." repeated the game warden.

"Yep. Ev'ry night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"

The Texan looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr. Warden. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden. "This I've got to see!"

So the Texan emptied the ice chests, putting all of his fish back into the lake. Then he stood there waiting. After several minutes of this, the game warden turned to him and asked, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Texan.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish!"

"What fish?"

Now here in Texas we may not be as smart as some city slickers but we ain't near as dumb as most game wardens.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:52 PM | Comments (0)

Can I play through?

Tucson John writes, "Must be up in Montana or somewhere like that. I don't think I would argue with him if he wanted to ignore a few strokes on his scorecard."

Golf-Bear.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)

August 06, 2005

Lighthouse

Here's a very well done video clip - based on this urban legend - from a European company that sells lamps for lighthouses.

Interesting that the audio's in English with Swedish (?) subtitles.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 AM | Comments (0)

Update from Iraq

Steve forwards this message that his dad passed along to him. The message comes from Master Chief Mike Korman; it's fairly lengthy but interesting. (And, speaking of news from-the-field in Iraq, check out Michael Yon's blog.)

Subj: [U] Hello From Iraq Update # 4 - 15JUL05
Date: 7/14/2005 3:26:48 PM Eastern Standard Time

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Dearest Friends and Family,

It has been two-months since my last update. This is reflective of two things. The first is the pace of work here. I am here to tell you that the people I have working around me to create, train and equip all manner of Iraqi Police and Border forces are just remarkable. I am constantly amazed at how our team seems to get just the right Soldier at just the right time to solve a particular problem.

Just yesterday I traveled to Al Kut, in South Eastern Iraq, by convoy. The convoy was coordinated by a young Soldier who led Marines, Sailors, Airmen and other Soldiers on our critical mission, making all the right decisions all along the way. You can be proud that the generation of American Patriots and Leaders serving in Iraq are doing so ably, in incredibly difficult conditions and will come home to be better citizens and the future leaders of our Nation.

They may not be in Congress or make lots of money (they might though), but in their communities all across America they will make a difference by taking what they learned here to build companies, little league teams, volunteer fire houses, and probably a few political careers. The other thing that is reflective of my separation between emails is the fact that in the last two months we lost some colleagues in our battle here.

Several others have been injured seriously, and others yet are now at Walter Reed Army Medical Center recovering. In early June Colonel Ted Westhusing passed away. He was a Senior member of the CPATT Team, and the highest ranking officer to die in Iraq to date. His death remains under investigation but we, his brothers and sisters in arms, gave the Colonel a deserving send off from this battlefield.


This is the roll call at the Colonels Memorial in Iraq.

Roll Call / Daylight Again
Monday, June 13, 2005, 04:35 AM - The World After September 11
"Roll Call," by MAJ Robert Bateman

We move around a lot in the military, as individuals and collectively. This presents a challenge, because with so many moving parts it is difficult to maintain an account. This is why we conduct roll calls. These are run by our Non-commissioned officers. Normally officers stand beyond the ranks, but under some circumstances they will stand in the ranks for accountability purposes. The command in which I serve has elements of all four services.

"Sergeant Stevens"

"Here Master Chief!"

"Staff Sergeant Michaels"

"Present Master Chief!"

"Chief's voice is booming, though he has not raised his voice. Even restrained it carries, as befits his six-foot three-inches and all-Navy frame. Traditionally the responses are returned at a slightly louder volume. I don't know why, that's just how we do it.

"Lieutenant Colonel Hale"

"Here Master Chief!"

"Colonel Westhusing."

No response.

There was a stiff breeze earlier, but it faded about an hour ago. Enough remains to roll the flag but not enough to make it snap. We broke 115 degrees at around 13:00. That was the temperature in the shade. It is now a little after 16:30. I am in the sun.

"Colonel Ted Westhusing!"

Chief's voice is now sharp, the voice of command. When conducting a roll call, one part of the sacred purview of the NCO corps, there is no quibbling. Even officers pipe up if they stand in the ranks for these formations. Sweat pours down my face. I am a little dehydrated, the sweat is salty and stings my eyes. I do not move. I am at the position of attention. The baked air carried by the light breeze brings no relief, though it carries away the scent. Not a few of us have been working longer hours than is usual, even for a combat zone. Sleep has been secondary. Laundry represented a distant place in anyone's mind. The breeze lifts and the flag rustles. I blink repeatedly.

"Colonel Theodore S. Westhusing."

Once insistent, Master Chief Korman's voice is now resigned. There is no response. There will be no response.

At the front of our formation a rifle, bayonet fixed, stands inverted. Dogtags bearing the name Theodore Westhusing, his blood type, Social Security number, and religious preference hang from the pistol grip. A helmet, with the eagle of a full Colonel on the front, balances atop the butt-stock.

I hear steps behind me. I cannot see them, but I know who is there. A seven man detail, with a single NCO giving direction. With commands given in a low voice the detail stops moving forward and begins to "mark time," marching in place. They come to a halt. Seven rifles charge at once, the spring in the stock driving forward the bolt carrier inside the rifle, and placing a single round of ammunition into the chamber of the weapon.

CRACK!

Lost in thought for a second, I am caught off-guard, even though I knew it was coming. Seven rifles discharged at once. The first volley. They charge again.

CRACK!

For an ad-hoc squad they do pretty well. Seven rifles crashing as one. It is not the Old Guard, but then this is not Arlington. We are in a combat zone, rendering honors to one of our own, as best we can.

CRACK!

Seven men. Three volleys. Twenty-one shots. Only the President of the United States of America receives the same number. Descartes had it wrong with, "Je pense, donc je suis." We are not human because we think. We are human because we remember.

I will remember Colonel Westhusing.




Without a doubt the toughest week for me here personally was getting myself and this command through this tragedy. A few short weeks later we lost one of our Civilian Law Enforcement partners. Ms. Dawn Klecker, a Deputy Sheriff from Oregon, was killed in an IED attack on her HMMWV.

Dawn did everything right, was wearing everything she was supposed to be to protect her, but alas she was taken from us too early. Most recently two of our Soldiers, Major Ken and Sergeant First Class Jeff (First Names Only) were injured in an IED attack on their HMMWV last week. Another case where they did everything right, except get hit by an IED. Ken and Jeff are now at Walter Reed and would ask that you keep them all near your thoughts and prayers.

Korman 1
As to me, well I have taken trips back to Jordan since my last email to you. I was fortunate to visit Petra (think Indiana Jones movies), Jerash (Roman Ruins) and picture above, and the Dead Sea. I also visited Mount Nebo where Moses may have looked to the 'Promised Land'. I visited Suliminayah (a Northern Iraq Kurdish City), Numiniyah again, Kut again, and the Iraq/Syria Border.

The picture below is me and good friend, Marine Master Sergeant Kerry Stratton, as we get ready to continue our trek to the Syrian border through Al Anbar Province. Think badlands. He is home now, enjoying being with family no doubt.

Korman 2

Some of you have asked about life here in the Green Zone, otherwise known as the International Zone. Well, it's not so bad really. We work for 6.5 days per week here normally, 15 hour days are normal. We get a half-day off per week, and most staff use the half-day to catch up on laundry or extra PT. The local calendar has the locals off on Fridays and Saturdays, which goofs things up back home for use, time wise that is.

Our laundry is done for us, and all our meals are cooked for us. There is more food then one could ever eat. There is various dining facility that dot the landscape of the Green Zone. There is the Palace, Al Rashid, Prosperity, Union, Honor (Steel Dragons), and other dining facilities. Some of our troops go to different ones every day but they are fairly standard fare. Most have cheeseburgers and hot dogs every day along with a main line which serves every kind of chicken imaginable.

They also have steak, meat loaf, fish and all the Baskin Robbins ice cream you could want on various days. It is a rotating schedule. Sodas and Gatorade are part of the deal also. On occasion we get a special meal of lobster tail. Near the Post Exchange here, which is smallish, there is a Subway, Burger King, Pizza Inn and a little coffee bar.

The PX in Taji, up north of Baghdad (travel by convoy or helo), is like a Wal-Mart. It has everything one could ever want there. We live in trailers, from the air it looks like an ant farm, which normally house two to a trailer and four would share a bathroom. Believe me considering what folks have in the field I always volunteer any complainers for the next convoy to Fallujah or Ramadi. There are not many complainers.

So, what am I seeing out there in all of my travels. Well, it is still very dangerous. There are too many people here from other countries, some Iraqis too, that want to kill Americans, coalition members and any 'collaborators', their word. You may have read where nearly two-dozen children and a Soldier were killed the other day when some Soldiers were handing out candy to the kids. Very Sad.

There were two bombings here at one of the entrances to the Green Zone just today. What I can tell you is that the local Iraqi Police and Iraqi Soldiers are taking the brunt of the deaths. I read the names of every American that dies here, so please don't read this to mean I am not recognizing the sacrifices of our Patriots. I certainly do. Here is the thing that we recognize. Common sense tells me that the dumb terrorists are already dead or are not smart enough to inflict big damage. The smart ones that are left are more effective and lethal and willing to send others to their deaths. We still here lots of boomers and random gunfire here but it is nearly all outside the Green Zone.

Since my arrival in February there have been no incidents inside the Green Zone. Knock on wood. Now, what of home. Well I can't tell you how much I appreciate each of you out there that write me back and send those prayers my way. You all know that I needed all the help I could get before I got here; every little bit helps. My wonderful partner in life, Caryn, is busy preparing the final details of our fabulous Wedding Ceremony for when I am home on leave in September, followed by a Hawaii Honeymoon.

I help where I can but I am always getting something or other wrong when I pick things for the big event. (I picked Goldfish as a reception appetizer; not appropriate I am told. Caryn picked everything else after that input from me. Maybe that was my plan, hee hee.) Caryn has been a rock of support for my tour here and while I was in Kosovo last year.

What an amazing lady. We get to talk a few days per week which really helps me here. Thanks Sweets. A favor from each of you. I would ask all of you to keep in mind these thoughts that I had yesterday while traveling to/from Al Kut. We have an amazing country that produces amazing young leaders. These young people make amazing life and death decision EVERY day here.

The elected and appointed civilian leadership of our Nation decided that we had a mission to do here and we do it with incredible confidence, precision and ability. Our troops are well trained, equipped, managed and in 99.99% of the cases the troops are instilled with a thorough and proper sense of right and wrong. In every sub-group of human beings there are a few bad apples which end up painting others badly.

Korman 3I see and work with these troops every day. All of you can be and should be proud of these Patriots and of those that wore the flag of our Nation before them. You may or may not agree with the Civilian Leadership's decisions to go to war. I can't think of a single reason why we shouldn't be supporting our troops sent to fight here every day of the week and twice on Sunday. What you see on TV and in the Newspaper is NOT reflective of the great things we are doing here. Don't let them get you down. I am here and see success EVERY day. I took this most amazing photo below and thought it was a great place to end. We have two more big elections here, October 15 and sometime in December. If we are going to get this right we must stay the course and continue to work towards democracy in this land. It is the right thing to do, I believe.
I'll do my very best to send another update next month to get back on track. Some have asked for an address and it appears below. I love to hear from you and knowing what is new in your life. Please do write to let me know. With all my best to you My Friends and Family.

Mike

Master Chief Michael J. Korman,
US Navy, Command Sergeant Major/Command Master Chief
Civilian Police Assistance Training Team (CPATT)Adnon Palace, Iraq,
APO, AE. 09316DSN: 318-239-7736MCI: 914-822-1199

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Posted by joke du jour at 06:45 AM | Comments (1)

Singin' in the Rain

Click the image to view a trailer from Mint Royale's remake of Singin' in the Rain.

Mint Royale

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:40 AM | Comments (0)

Don't screw with the boss

I wouldn't swear that this story is true, but it is pretty funny.

A bribe too far! Ukraine scraps all traffic cops
July 26, 2005

By Stefan Korshak

Kiev, Ukraine - Ever wonder what would happen if traffic cops were done away with and you could drive any way you wanted?

In Ukraine, less than a month ago, that's what happened and things are pretty much just fine.

The story of the "liquidation" of Ukraine's State Automobile Inspectorate (DAI) began in June after President Viktor Yushchenko, the pro-Europe politician who led the country's Orange Revolution at the end of 2004, decided to drive to the mountainous for some hiking.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:35 AM | Comments (0)

August 05, 2005

Interestingness

Click the image to check out Interestingness at Flickr.

Bay Bridge sunrise

Don't miss the calendars. The image above came from July 25.

Posted by joke du jour at 03:22 AM | Comments (0)

Vasectomies

I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy and paid for it with Mastercard. Then he forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.

Elayne Boosler

Posted by joke du jour at 02:52 AM | Comments (0)

Overseas shopping again

One of 16 examples of some Japanese products at what I take to be an online shop. Click the image to see them all.

Posted by joke du jour at 01:48 AM | Comments (0)

Oh, to be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday wasn't far off he asked what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags amusement park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster -- everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Next, he took her to McDonald's, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to see a movie, with popcorn, soda, and her favorite candy (M&Ms).

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!"

The moral of the story? Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:39 AM | Comments (0)

August 04, 2005

STS 114

Here's the Image of the Day from NASA's Multimedia Highlights gallery for day 9 of the Space Shuttle mission.

STS 114 Day 9

You can view live video feeds (NASA TV) from the shuttle in Windows Media form or in RealPlayer form.

And here's a video clip of the shuttle doing a backflip (frame rate speeded up 5:1).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:27 AM | Comments (0)

Evolution of a programmer

This one has been around for years but it's still amusing to coders.

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

It includes sections I hadn't seen before for hackers and for managers.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:26 AM | Comments (0)

August 03, 2005

Humor style

By way of Dave (the Idiot Savant), I found the 3 Variable Funny Test. I thought it did a pretty good job nailing my "humor style."

the Ham

(26% dark, 52% spontaneous, 16% vulgar)
your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

Posted by joke du jour at 10:33 PM | Comments (1)

Project management definitions

Contractor A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's Estimate The cost of construction in Heaven.

Project Manager The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney. Usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Lawyer Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the corpses.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:06 AM | Comments (0)

Revenge is sweet

(MPEG format. Save.)

Posted by joke du jour at 12:05 AM

Piracy suppression

And they're not talking about pirating software:

Background Asia Risk Solutions (BARS) is the leading provider of armed escorts in South East Asia for maritime assets. We have conducted a number of complex operations safely guarding oil and gas floating assets and their convoys. We have also provided armed escorts to other slow moving convoys including ocean going tugs and barges.

Piracy in the Malacca Straits of southest Asia is so prevalent that Lloyd's Market Association has declared it a high-risk area and are raising insurance premiums.

Via Samizdata.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2005

The Nerdman Show

The Nerdman claims a "world record" 16 cams watching him: 4 at home and 12 at his place of work. It appears he's been doing this for a few years.

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:48 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2005

Penny ante

Here's a collection of pix of things built using only pennies. No adhesives - just pennies and gravity. This is one of the simpler ones; click the image to visit the site.

Penny architecture

There are quite a few large images and they may take a bit to download on dial-up connections.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 AM | Comments (0)

Don't mess with blondes

Amy, a blonde from Houston, married a West Texas rancher. One morning on his way out to check the fences, the rancher said to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall. You show him which cow it is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along a long row of stalls and when she saw the nail she told him, "This is the one... Right here."

Terribly impressed by what he'd been thinking of as just another dizzy blonde, the man asked, "Now just how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple -- by the nail over its stall," Amy explained.

"Oh... Well, what's the nail for?"

"To hang your pants on, I guess," she told him as she walked away.

From Dave.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:49 AM | Comments (0)

Challenge your senses

Another interesting Flash widget from the BBC.

BBC Senses Challenge

Posted by joke du jour at 06:48 AM | Comments (0)

Stipple portraits

Cronkite



If you've ever wondered where the Wall Street Journal gets the stippled portraits it publishes, it turns out they're drawn by a woman named Noli Novak, who does them dot by dot. Click the link to visit her site.


Via DiClerico.


Posted by joke du jour at 06:47 AM | Comments (0)