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August 22, 2005

The new Noah

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah Bernstein, who was living in South Carolina, and He said: "Noah, once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

Then He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build my Ark. Then I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where's that Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood home owner's association by-laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Zoning Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to the Ark, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"Then when I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. And they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Customs and Immigration Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"Too late," said the Lord. "Your government's beat me to it..."

Posted by joke du jour at August 22, 2005 07:59 PM

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