« August 2005 | Main | October 2005 »

September 30, 2005

Dynamic sculpture

Click the image to visit the site.

Piss sculpture
The idea is disarmingly simple. Two bronze sculptures pee into their oddly-shaped enclosure.

While they are peeing, the two figures move realistically. An electric mechanism driven by a couple of microproccesors swivels the upper part of the body, while the penis goes up and down. The stream of water writes quotes from famous Prague residents.

Visitor can interupt them by sending SMS message from mobile phone to a number, displayed next to the sculptures. The living statue then ‘writes’ the text of the message, before carrying on as before.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:04 AM | Comments (1)

Only in New York

Woman Ticketed For Sitting On Park Bench With No Kids

NEW YORK -- It's an only in New York story. A woman was given a ticket for sitting on a park bench because she doesn't have children.

The Rivington Playground on Manhattan's East Side has a small sign at the entrance that says adults are prohibited unless they are accompanied by a child. Sandra Catena, 47, said she didn't see the sign when she sat down to wait for an arts festival to start.

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 04:48 AM | Comments (0)

School time

From an ACD Systems photo contest:

fish school

Posted by joke du jour at 04:41 AM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2005

Keyhole needed

After an all-night binge, the unsteady lush fumbled at the door, trying to get it unlocked. The racket finally awakened his wife, who opened the upstairs window and angrily asked, "Don't you have your key?!"

"Yeah, I have the damned key!" he yelled. "Send me down the flippin' keyhole!"

Posted by joke du jour at 05:00 AM | Comments (0)

Senator Kennedy provides aid

Rob writes, "Just to prove that even flaming liberals have a sense of humor..."

Kennedy.jpg

Shocked by the widespread suffering of those displaced from their homes by the flooding in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) volunteered to plug one of the holes in the Lake Pontchartrain levee.

"The Bush Administration has failed to stem the tide of this cataclysm," said Kennedy. "I have had some experience with aquatic mishaps. This experience will bolster me in this hour of desperation as I plug one of the leaks myself."

President Bush praised Senator Kennedy's decision. "I think it's mighty big of him to offer so much for the good of the country," said Bush. "There aren't many who could fill such a large role in this disaster."

Posted by joke du jour at 04:56 AM | Comments (1)

Complaint letter of the year?

Here. It comes from someone in Britain, apparently. It begins...

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

and gets more vitriolic as it goes.

Posted by joke du jour at 04:55 AM | Comments (0)

DARPA Grand Challenge

The Qualification Event begins today and runs through October 6th. Click the image to visit the site.

DARPA Grand Challenge

Posted by joke du jour at 04:50 AM | Comments (0)

September 27, 2005

Twain in Maine

As part of a national speaking tour, Mark Twain once gave a talk at a town hall in rural Maine. While he thought he was being particularly witty that evening, there wasn't a single laugh from his audience. Twain was mightily upset; he thought that maybe he was losing his touch.

After the talk concluded, Twain sneaked around front to listen to what the people were saying about him as they left. He overheard this conversation between two farmers:

"Shore was a funny speaker tonight!"

"A-yup. All I could do to keep from laughing..."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:07 PM | Comments (0)

Clever ads

This is 1 of 8; click the image to view all of them. [SFW.]

Bottoms up

Via The Agitator.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:05 PM | Comments (0)

The snail's tale

When a snail filed an assault charge against two tortoises, a detective was sent to question the victim. "Please describe the incident," the cop said.

"I can't," the snail replied. "It all happened so fast."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM | Comments (0)

Nanoderm

Steve sends a link to this interesting article.

Visualizing the Future: Dermal Nanotech Display

This nanotech dermal display is a designer concept, based on real nanoscience principles. Seattle-based designer Gina Miller, working together with nanotech populariser Robert A. Freitas Jr., describes the concept:

In his book Nanomedicine, Volume I: Basic Capabilities [available on the web at http://www.nanomedicine.com/NMI.htm], Robert A. Freitas Jr. describes [in section 7.4.6.7 (page 204)] a "programmable dermal display" in which a population of about 3 billion display pixel robots would be permanently implanted a fraction of a mm under the surface of the skin, covering a rectangle 6 cm x 5 cm on the back of the hand. Photons emitted by these pixel bots would produce an image on the surface of the skin. This pixelbot array could be programmed to form any of many thousands of displays. Each display would be capable of two functions: (1) presenting to the user data received from the large population of medical bots that roam the user's body; (2) conveying instructions from the user to that same large population of bots. The display could be activated or deactivated by finger tapping on the skin.

The 3-minute animation of dermal display can be seen here.

Nanoderm

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2005

Google Print

Search the full text of books: http://print.google.com/

Via The Silicon Underground.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)

Best Hallowe'en costume ever?

Our contributor writes, "I don’t know about the best, but it’s pretty good..."

halloween.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:23 PM | Comments (0)

10 Truths

10 truths black and Hispanic people know but white people won't admit:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional butt-whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 truths white and black people know but Hispanic people won't admit:

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 truths white and Hispanic people know but black people won't admit:

1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your wheel covers/rims and your sound system should not be worth more than your car.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)

Announcement

The Meramec Valley cam has been returned to service.

Valley cam

That is all.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

September 25, 2005

Louisiana Re-purchase

I don't know where this came from originally. It's done so well that I suspect it was written by a full-time satirist. Scrappleface, maybe?

President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French for $25 million dollars - more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

Posted by joke du jour at 09:30 PM | Comments (0)

Katrina sky

This is a series of 9 popup images that, it's claimed, were taken in Mississippi during Hurricane Katrina.


Update: Marty sends a link to Snopes' page about these images. Snopes says

These images are actually photographs of tornadoes and other extreme weather phenomena taken by storm chaser Mike Hollingshead in Nebraska and Kansas during the summer months of 2002 and 2004. Some of these photos are viewable on the 2004 Digital Photos section of his web site (scroll about halfway down the page).
















Posted by joke du jour at 09:12 PM | Comments (0)

How many?

I was sitting in Starbucks recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: 12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to me and asked, "So how many is a 'brazilian'?"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:22 PM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2005

Terror in the Skies: the book

Terror in the Skies




Annie Jacobsen, the woman who wrote the "Terror in the Skies" articles for WomensWallStreet has published a book with that title.








Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)

Speaks for itself

Clinton, Lewinsky Brand Condoms Marketed

Clinton Condom Higher Quality Than Lewinsky

POSTED: 11:55 am EDT September 21, 2005
BEIJING -- If you're looking for a Clinton or a Lewinsky in China, you'll be getting condoms.

A Chinese rubber products company is now marketing prophylactics with the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky. As part of a promotion, Guangzhou Rubber Group will be handing out 100,000 free condoms

monica.jpg

Associated Press story via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:08 PM | Comments (0)

Spuds

Q: How come you never saw Spuds McKenzie dancing at a party?

A: Because he had two left feet

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)

c-jump

c-jumpDiscover fundamentals of computer programming by playing a board game!

c-jump helps children to learn basics of programming languages, such as C, C++ and Java.

Players: 2 to 4 players

Ages: 11+

Object Of The Game: First player to move all skiers past the FINISH line is the winner!

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2005

Fractured maxims

An old article from the Columbus Dispatch:

Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing.

If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.

A bird in the hand is messy.

Don't count your chickens, eat them.

You can't teach an old dog new math.

When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

Too many cooks, so little meals.

A fool and his money are my best friends.

A penny saved is one cent.

Look before you run into a pole.

A watched pot never disappears.

A rolling stone makes you flat.

A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

Every cloud has a wet spot.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)

Giant pink bunny

Artists erect giant pink bunny on mountain

An enormous pink bunny has been erected on an Italian mountainside where it will stay for the next 20 years.

pink bunny

Via A Welsh View.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

The story of my life

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen; she cried all the time; she threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl who was stable.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl. But she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

Discretion advised!

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am older and wiser. So I'm just looking for a girl with big tits.

BigTits

Posted by joke du jour at 08:13 PM

September 20, 2005

How to tell you're driving too fast

DrivingTooFast.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:46 PM | Comments (0)

Radio Shack Q & A

Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion) "How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson."

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stoping (becoming irritated), he said, "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the damned credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.

From RHF.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)

More adorable animals

Says our contributor.

These come from Yatahonga.com, a French-language subscription site with the banner "100% funny images."















Posted by joke du jour at 06:44 PM | Comments (0)

September 19, 2005

I Can't Afford My Gasoline

A pretty funny Flash about high gas prices. Click the image to view it.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

Priceless lizard story

I don't know where this long story came from but it's pretty funny.

Update: Now we know where this story came from. Anna Banana writes

The lizard story is a sorry petty theft of a story W. Bruce Cameron did about hamsters. The hamster piece does not appear on his website, but does appear here -- including Cameron's plea not to remove the copyright notice at the beginning of the essay.

If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer-look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at this lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her in my most loving, calm, sweet voice (while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"s he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn 't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my oldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is from her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just.. just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 lizards: $140
1 cage: $50
Trip to the vet: $30

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker: Priceless

Posted by joke du jour at 07:01 PM | Comments (0)

The power of make-up

make-up1.jpg
make-up2.jpgmake-up3.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (1)

September 17, 2005

Best new internet toy in years

I wasn't planning to post about Google Earth, since I think everyone else on the planet already has. But I keep getting messages about it. CodeWritinFool first told me about it awhile back when he sent some images of my house.

Then my son sent a message saying, "I don't know if you've seen this already but this is blog material. Get Google Earth."

And finally, I got this message from Wayne. I don't believe I've ever seen Wayne so excited. (For that matter, I didn't think Wayne could get this excited.)

Google earthHi everyone. Let’s just say it takes a lot to impress me. I have seen it all on computers and there isn’t much I haven’t seen but last week I came upon the first internet tool in a long time that just knocked my socks off!

I can’t use it on my Mac yet but so far only PC’s and you need a fairly good one, I’m guessing not older than two years.

You will also need to download an exe file but this is from Google and they have a good reputation for not sticking spyware and other such crap on your computer. The program also can be upgraded for $20 and $200 bucks but I can’t see how it can get any better than it is just using the FREE version.

It’s like mapquest, etc. except the interface and the 3-D and the FLYING... yes flying from your house (yes actual photos of your house!) to someone else's house is amazing. Play with the controls.

Check out: http://earth.google.com/

Posted by joke du jour at 11:02 AM | Comments (0)

Kill the Singing Bass

Carol writes, "This is great!"

Kill Bass

Posted by joke du jour at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

A cautionary tale

Brother John sends this with the note: Worth reading to the end.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered Arthur his freedom if long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if he had no answer after a year, then he would perish.

The question? What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's challenge to answer it within a year.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princesses, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high - the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made disgusting noises, and so on. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.

But when Lancelot heard of the witch's proposal, he told Arthur that there was no sacrifice too big compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, the wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus.

"What a woman really wants," she answered, "is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was that the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch were married.

When the honeymoon hour approached, Lancelot steeled himself for a horrific experience and entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The woman replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day? Or during the night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy intimate moments?

What would you decide?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow her to make the choice herself. And, on hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

So what's the moral to this story? If you don't let a woman have her own way, then things are going to get ugly.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:01 AM | Comments (0)

Geek links

An article in Popular Science:

Be Your Own Hotspot

Turn a backpack into a portable, solar-powered Wi-Fi hotspot, and share a high-speed connection anywhere.

Hotspot backpack

A free utility program for XP users. RockXP
RockXP
RockXP allows you to retrieve your XP product key that you used when you installed Windows XP, as well as keys for other Microsoft products. This can come very handy if you need to reinstall but have misplaced or lost the CD cover with the serial sticker. In addition, the program also lets you save the product activation to a file, and enables you to recover usernames and passwords contained in the Windows Secure Storage.

Free utility for Windows users.

EULAlyzer

EULAlyzerEnd user license agreements (EULAs) are the bane of most computer users.
No one wants to read through pages and pages of boring text before installing a program. And many programs put their license agreements in small windows that require lots of scrolling. So many people either skim them or skip reading them altogether.

But it can be dangerous not to read license agreements.
License agreements can provide information about the intentions of software, and other bundled components. Have you ever installed a program, only to have your desktop taken over by advertising? It may have been noted in the license agreement that you simply clicked past. If you aren't reading the license agreements, you have no idea what you could be agreeing to.

You should always read license agreements before agreeing to them.
But now there's a way of making that much easier.

Links from Sunbelt Software's W2Knews ™ newsletter.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:00 AM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2005

The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form

OEDILFHere's a random selection for addend:

The addend's the number you add
To the augend, the number you had.
With computers it's quick,
On an abacus, slick,
Done by hand it might slow you a tad.




Via ZPi.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0)

I never used dead cats for fuel

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German inventor said he has developed a method to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a German newspaper story implying he also used dead cats.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)

Avast, me hearties

Blow me down







The next annual International Talk Like a Pirate Day is Monday, September 19.







Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2005

No vase?

A woman was talking to her friend over the fence when the friend noticed the woman's husband coming home, carrying a bunch of flowers.

Her friend said, "Isn't that nice? He's bringing you flowers."

The woman said, "Great... That means another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!"

The friend said, "What's the matter... don't you have a vase?"

Via RHF.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:56 PM | Comments (0)

A Flash for guys

Try to peg the ogle-meter.

Lust 4 bust

Posted by joke du jour at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)

Barbie grows up

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

Bifocals Barbie Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two mumus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Divorced Barbie Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Recovery Barbie Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:51 PM | Comments (0)

September 13, 2005

Your emblem

YourEmblem.com

Youremblem.com provides you with professional ways to make your car truly personal. Just choose a word or initials that reflect who you are and send in your order. In a few days you'll receive your custom order of letters that are just like the ones manufacturers use for car names and models. We'll give you instructions for how to apply the letters so your car is unique.
• If you've customized your exhaust for higher performance, add the letters HPE for "High Performance Exhaust" after the car name.
• In love? JFE says "Jennifer for ever" on the back of your car.
• Professional looking letters--just the same as the manufacturers use.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:53 PM | Comments (0)

Take a break

Rob sends this animated GIF along with the advice in the title.

TakeABreak.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 06:52 PM | Comments (0)

Modern morals

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said the one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"

"I don't know..." replied the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:51 PM | Comments (0)

Now we're talkin'

4Frontiers Corporation, founded in 2005 and incorporated in the state of Florida, is an emerging space commerce company focused on the settlement of Mars. It recognizes the economic potential resulting from convergence of four frontiers – Earth orbit, Mars, the Moon, and Asteroids. Initial activities include development of profitable space technologies, consulting to key manufacturers and government agencies, and public outreach (and associated revenue streams).

4FrontiersA primary objective for 4Frontiers is to build an economically viable, permanent settlement on Mars derived from a majority of local materials. The company will accomplish this by developing key core technologies, establishing supporting business relationships, changing public perception of space settlements, and participating in the emerging inner solar system economy through discrete, achievable steps.

4Frontiers aims to be the premier Mars technology company and has attracted a distinguished staff ideally suited to the challenge. Economic development of the Mars system and its integration into the emerging solar system economy is central to our strategy. Ultimately, 4Frontiers will provide commercial and residential facilities on Mars and export raw materials from the Mars system which will energize Earth orbit and Lunar development.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2005

Mexico City

A photo album (and a slideshow) of aerial images of Mexico City by a helicopter pilot who worked there.


la ciudad de Mexico

There are some really interesting ones. (Because of the large number of images, the page may take a while to load over a slow connection.)

Posted by joke du jour at 08:07 PM | Comments (0)

Middle age

Here's a snippet from an amusing op-ed piece in the Daily Telegraph:

Middle age? It's a state of constant irritation

Come to think of it, almost everything on the television these days irritates me. I sit through hours of gameshows and makeover programmes for the sheer pleasure of being enraged by their banality. On the Tube platform in the morning, I curse when a voice comes over the public address system to announce, as it does every day: "Ladies and gentlemen, a good service is operating on the Jubilee line this morning." Every time I hear it, I think: "I'll be the judge of that." The other day, I heard myself saying it aloud, and got some very funny looks from my fellow commuters.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)

New rules for dating

A post that appeared on craigslist earlier this year. Pretty amusing.

When I did my taxes this year I found out that I spent over $14,000 on Dates last year. Most of that was spent on dinner and drinks in Manhattan. Now don't get me wrong, I had some very good times, some great sex, some good conversations. Hell, I even made a good friend along the way, but mainly I came away from the date feeling extremely disappointed and with a lighter wallet. Date by date it's not THAT much money but it all adds up fast!

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM | Comments (2)

Winners of the "I Look Like My Dog" Contest

Look alikes

Click the image to see the whole gallery.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2005

But did it taste like chicken?

Restaurant Busted For Selling Donkey Flesh Marinated In Tiger Urine

POSTED: 10:18 am EDT September 8, 2005
SHANGHAI, China -- Tiger, donkey. Whatever.

A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh -- marinated in tiger urine, a newspaper reported Thursday.

Now what I want to know is: Who collected the tiger urine?

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

Garbagemen

As our conributor's subject line said: "Funny."

Garbagemen

Video below the fold.


[WMV format. ]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)

Letter from New Orleans

A little common sense from New Orleans. This comes from Chris Rose of the Times-Picayune. Here's a snippet.

Dear America,

I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana.

We have arrived on your doorstep on short notice and we apologize for that, but we never were much for waiting around for invitations. We're not much on formalities like that.


And we might be staying around your town for a while, enrolling in your schools and looking for jobs, so we wanted to tell you a few things about us. We know you didn't ask for this and neither did we, so we're just going to have to make the best of it.

First of all, we thank you. For your money, your water, your food, your prayers, your boats and buses and the men and women of your National Guards, fire departments, hospitals and everyone else who has come to our rescue.

We're a fiercely proud and independent people, and we don't cotton much to outside interference, but we're not ashamed to accept help when we need it. And right now, we need it.

Just don't get carried away. For instance, once we get around to fishing again, don't try to tell us what kind of lures work best in your waters. We're not going to listen. We're stubborn that way.

Via The Agitator.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:40 PM | Comments (0)

Viking kittens

Viking kittens

Cute kittens doing Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song in this Flash clip from rathergood.com. What's not to like?

SWF here.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2005

Video headstone

VidStone

Click the image to read about it at WFTV's site.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)

Once is enough

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who's sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.

The younger guy says, "Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How about you join me for a round of golf?"

"Naw," the older fellow replies, "tried it once - didn't like it."

"Well, then, how about a swim? It might be just as refreshing as your iced tea there."

"Naw," the older fellow responds, "tried it once - didn't like it. But if you're up for tennis, my son will be here soon. He's usually up for a game or two. You might want to play with him."

The younger guy asks, "Your only child I presume?"

Via RHF.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)

Geekdom in 2005

Here's a series of cartoons on geeky themes:

Geek5.jpg
Geek2.jpg
Geek3.jpg
Geek4.jpg
Geek1.jpg
Geek6.jpg
Geek7.jpg
Geek8.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:09 PM | Comments (0)

E-mail cat fight!

From News.com.au

TWO secretaries at one of Sydney's top law firms have been sacked after a catty email exchange that was circulated around the city's legal and financial district.

Allens Arthur Robinson has been rocked by the cyber brawl, which began over a missing ham sandwich and ended with one woman taunting the other for being unable to hold on to a boyfriend.

In a warning to everyone who uses email at work, Allens confirmed that Katrina Nugent and Melinda Bird had been sacked and other high-flyers were facing disciplinary action.

The trouble began last Thursday morning, when Ms Nugent sent a group email to colleagues in the firm's Sydney head office asking if anyone had stolen her lunch.

"Yesterday I put my lunch in the fridge on level 19 which included a packet of ham, some cheese slices and two slices of bread which was going to be for my lunch today," Ms Nugent wrote.

"Overnight it has gone missing and as I have no spare money to buy another lunch today, I would appreciate being reimbursed for it."

Via /.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:08 PM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2005

It just makes sense

Our contributor forwards this message: "Had a new fuel gauge installed in my car. It just made more sense."

price_gauge.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

Mood ring

My husband was unhappy with my mood swings. He bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:10 PM | Comments (0)

N game

Click the image to check out one of the best Flash games I've seen yet.

N game

Mind the audio volume. Turn it on - or if it's already on, turn it down.

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

1905

The year is 1905 - one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A 3-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.

There were 8,000 cars in the U.S., 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22¢ an hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 a year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

  • Pneumonia and influenza

  • Tuberculosis

  • Diarrhea

  • Heart disease

  • Stroke
  • The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

    The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!

    Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

    There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

    Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

    Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

    Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)

    Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

    Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind.

    Posted by joke du jour at 07:55 PM | Comments (0)

    September 06, 2005

    In the eye

    The NOAA has a page featuring photos taken inside the eye of Hurricane Katrina when it was a Category 5 storm over the Gulf of Mexico.

    Inside the eye

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM | Comments (0)

    New trojan

    From IT Week:

    Arabic Trojan butts into porn surfing

    Yusufali-A interrupts adult websites with messages from the Koran

    Robert Jaques, vnunet.com 05 Sep 2005

    Security experts today issued a warning after detecting a malicious Trojan horse which tries to interrupt the surfing of adult websites by displaying messages from the Koran.

    The Yusufali-A Trojan monitors users' surfing habits by examining the title bar of the active window.

    Via Clayton Cramer.

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)

    Bait

    Here's a very clever ad from Toyota that I found at Doug Arrington's site.

    toyota_vios.jpg

    Video below the fold.


    [MPEG format. Save.]

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)

    September 03, 2005

    Free Linspire

    CodeWritinFool sends this news he found at slashdot:

    The people at Linspire are giving Linspire 5.0 away for free (digital download only) until September 6th. Simply go to purchase the $49.95 digital edition, and then enter coupon code 'freespire' to receive a $49.95 discount.

    From the site: "'Freespire' was the term Andrew Betts gave to a private project he had been working on. The project comprised various open source components, taken from the freely available source repository for the Linspire operating system...Linspire has no problem with anyone using the open source code from our operating system - in fact we applaud such projects. The name Freespire, however, did create some confusion in the short time it was used...We thought it would be fun, for all of those who were looking at this project to experience a true 'Freespire', to give away a free digital copy of Linspire for a few days!"

    Linspire is a commercial Linux distribution (similar to Red Hat and Suse). It was originally called Lindows, until Microsoft brought suit for trademark infringement against its Windows® mark. To settle that suit Lindows was renamed to Linspire.

    Posted by joke du jour at 07:28 AM | Comments (0)

    September 02, 2005

    Flash games

    Check out this collection of 20 Flash games at bestflashanimationsite.com.

    Click the image to try the one called Sonar Challenge.

    Sonar.jpg

    Via DiClerico.

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:56 PM | Comments (0)

    Magnificent Desolation

    MagnificentDesolation.jpg

    A new IMAX movie called "Magnificent Desolation/Walking on the Moon". Click the image to visit the site. (Flash, naturally.)

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:54 PM | Comments (0)

    Beer mathematics

    This is cool beer math! DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute.

    Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those wastes of time things, it's fun.

    1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine. (Try for more than once.)

    2. Multiply this number by 2 - just to be honest.

    3 Add 5. (For Sunday.)

    4. Multiply the result by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator.

    5. If your birthday has already occurred this year, add 1755. If not, add 1754.

    6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number.

    The first digit of this number was your starting number (i.e., how many times you want to have a pint each week).

    The next two numbers are... your age!

    From ChronWatch.

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:52 PM | Comments (0)

    Endangered sea turtles

    Strictly as a public service, here's an important announcement from California-based conservation group Wildcoast about preserving endangered Mexican sea turtles. The image comes from National Geographic's report on the controversy over this poster.

    Turtle Eggs

    Mas aqui.

    Posted by joke du jour at 08:50 PM | Comments (0)

    September 01, 2005

    Katrina

    I've avoided writing about the hurricane and the Gulf Coast primarily because anyone reading this is likely to have seen plenty of appeals for help at other sites. And the other reason, of course, is that this isn't intended to be a news or opinion blog.

    But I've run across some posts at other blogs about the devastation of New Orleans that I think are worth mention:

  • Submerged and Outpost Crystal (both via American Digest)

  • A Bleak Report from New Orleans at Instapundit.com

  • Do you know what it means at Tom Rants

  • Breaking News from The Times-Picayune

  • New Orleans, 2025 at Richard Cohen's (via Althouse)
  • Finally, if you want suggestions, there's Instapundit's Flood Aid post with links to the charities various people are recommending.

    Posted by joke du jour at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)

    The mother of invention

    An ad for bottled water:

    Volvic

    Video below the fold.


    [WMV format. Save.]

    Posted by joke du jour at 09:40 PM | Comments (0)

    Painted hands

    Click the image for a collection of cleverly-painted hands.

    Elephant

    Posted by joke du jour at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)