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April 28, 2006

So's the Queen

Since it's baseball season again, here's one about Dizzy Dean, who pitched for the St. Louis Cardinals and was known for his poor grammer and diction.

An English interviewer, frustrated by Dizzy Dean's idiosyncratic relationship with language exclaimed, "Mr. Dean, don't you know the King's English?"

Dizzy reflected a moment. Then, "Sure I do, and so's the Queen."

From The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Operators are standing by

An old one, but worth another go:

Video below the fold.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:31 PM

Gender of objects

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They're effective reproductive devices if the right buttons are pushed, but they can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A hot air balloon is male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A web page is female because it's always getting hit on.

7) A subway is male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An hourglass is female because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A hammer is male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's still handy to have around.

10) A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Chernobyl Legacy

This is a slideshow of photos by Paul Fusco. CodeWritinFool says, "disturbing stuff, but very powerful."

Posted by joke du jour at 07:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 27, 2006

Lack of balance

I don't believe I've ever seen an image like this before, but I'll bet it's happened more than once.

MEXICO CITY -- A Varig airlines cargo plane from Brazil sits parked at the Mexico City airport with its nose up in the air after the cargo was unevenly distributed. Brazil's troubled flagship airline, Varig, is reeling under an estimated US$3.3 billion (euro2.7 billion) in debt and is currently in the restructuring phase of bankruptcy proceedings and, last April 12, some 300 Varig employees boarded a chartered jet to Brasilia, the nation's capital, to call on the federal government to bail out the company, which employs 11,000 people. (04/17/06 AP photo)

Via WFTV.

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One more reason to brew

People Brew Own Gas To Beat Pump Prices

POSTED: 10:05 am EDT April 27, 2006
WASHINGTON -- Some people have become so desperate to find cheaper fuel for their cars they've begun making ethanol at home.

There are dozens of Web sites explaining how to make ethanol from homemade stills.

Bill Sasher, owner of a Tennessee company that sells ethanol stills and kits, said that once you're set up it costs about 75 cents a gallon to brew your own fuel.

Via WFTV.

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What Dells are good for

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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The Scottsdale Princess

Welcome to Marissa's world

Teen gets whatever she wants, and she wants stardom

Jaimee Rose
The Arizona Republic
Apr. 26, 2006 12:00 AM

The marketing of Marissa Leigh, age 16, is a job that employs 12 people. The Scottsdale princess has a manager and a publicist, of course. She has a voice coach and a makeup artist and a hairstylist willing to jet off whenev, wherev.

Then there's the Web master. The photographer, who also shoots Lindsay Lohan. The guy who listens to Marissa humming on a tape recorder, and then puts the music on paper. And sure, she has an acting coach. Actually, two.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 25, 2006

Spectacular

says CodeWritinFool. Click the image to visit the site.

On this day a rare February Rainbow was seen here in Northern Missouri at sunset. This rainbow was visible over much of the area and was noticed by many people. It was seen as a partial bow in some areas and completely full and even double in others depending on where the rain was falling. The photos on this page were taken at the Elam Bend Conservation Area near McFall, Missouri.

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Democracy in Korea

It seems that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, under international pressure, decided to hold free and fair elections, U.S.-style. They decided to go all out: voter registration drives, canvasses, polls, high quality voting machines from the Chicago Voting Machine Co. -- the whole bit.

So campaigns were mounted, the elections were held, the results were tallied, and sure enough, the new President-elect of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was: Richard J. Daley.

Found at rec.humor.funny.

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A surprise visitor

Rob sends this funny clip about Easter at the White House.

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Please help

PleaseHelp.jpg
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA -- A man who would only identify himself as a hitchhiker from New York sits on a street corner in the Georgetown section of Washington DC. The man said lots of people take a look at his sign referring to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and some leave spare change. (04/25/06 AP photo)

Via WFTV.

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April 21, 2006

Old age is tough

"...but implants last forever," says Steve F.

Implants.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Weekend reading 15

Here's a very handy Firefox extension called gTranslate. (Via A Welsh View.)



CodeWritinFool sends a link to a post at the Right to Create blog:
Write Free Software, Pay $203,000 to Patent Holder

Bob Jacobsen, a model railroad hobbyist, wrote a bunch of software to let you connect your computer to your model railroad and control trains with it. He chose to not only give the software away for free, but to make the source code available as well, so that the model railroading/hacker community could improve it and customize it to their liking.

And then KAM Industries, maker of commercial software that serves a similar role, tried asserting their 'patent rights' over doing just that.




Via Best of the Web Today, I found this blog called Waiter Rant. It's well written and worth a look.


The ultimate in out-sourcing?

Wombs for Rent, Cheap
Surrogate mothers in India are a bargain for foreigners, and the women reap a bonanza. But some observers say they pay a price.
By Henry Chu, Times Staff Writer
April 19, 2006

ANAND, India — As temp jobs go, Saroj Mehli has landed what she feels is a pretty sweet deal. It's a nine-month gig, no special skills needed, and the only real labor comes at the end — when she gives birth.

If everything goes according to plan, Mehli, 32, will deliver a healthy baby early next year. But rather than join her other three children, the newborn will be handed over to an American couple who are unable to bear a child on their own and are hiring Mehli to do it for them.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

IT Defender

A pretty amusing game (if you're in the software business) at Fortify Software's site.

Via WServerNews.com.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Enjoy it while you can

Enjoy Skipping TV Ads -- While You Can

POSTED: 7:54 am EDT April 20, 2006
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- Can you imagine being forced to watch the ads on your favorite TV show?

The people at Royal Philips Electronics not only can imagine that -- they have created a device that does just that. The company applied for a patent for a technology that could let broadcasters freeze a channel during a commercial, so you can't go channel surfing while the ads run.

The patent, which is pending with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, said the feature would be implemented on a show-by-show basis.

Even Philips acknowledged that the anti-channel-changing feature won't sit well with consumers. In its filing for a patent, the company said customers would be allowed to avoid the feature if they paid broadcasters a fee.

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 20, 2006

Molecular expressions

This Java applet has been around for years. It displays a sequence of images centered on Florida that's based on distance measured in powers-of-ten -- from 10^23 to 10^-16 meters. Here's the view 10^22 meters from Florida.

I've gotten two messages about it lately - and it is interesting. Click the image to view it.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A fair question

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "And I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat things like steak and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have sex a lot?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care how long you'll live?"

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Yoga practice

Tucson John sends this video clip with the subject line: "Why women shouldn't practice yoga." (NSFW.)

yoga

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Gardening tip

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but her tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and asks, "Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do: Tonight there's no moon. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red. You'll see.''

Having nothing to lose, the woman tries her neighbor's advice. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"Just so-so,'' she answers. "The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

Via rec.humor.funny.

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April 19, 2006

Top 10 weirdest keyboards

I guess it says something that I've actually bought and used two of these ten keyboards. But I haven't bought the most interesting one, the Tidy Typist pictured below.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Not too close

Once there was a clerk working at a lingerie counter when a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties. She said she'd like to buy them but added, "Only of you can embroider `If you can read this, you're too close.' on the back."

The saleswoman took the panties to the seamstress in back and described the rather unusual request.

The seamstress said, "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?" Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter and asked, "Do you want that in block letters or script?"

The customer replied with a smile, "Braille."

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RC plane heaven

Here's a site with a large collection of images of radio-controlled planes, ranging from the miniscule:

to the mambo:

Posted by joke du jour at 07:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The hero of Canton...

...the man they call Jayne.

If you're a fan of the series Firefly (or the follow-on movie Serenity), this might interest you. If not, it will probably be too much of an inside joke.

After hearing about the release of Firefly on DVD last year, we bought a copy for my older son. It's been a big hit in our household and everyone likes the series.

One of my son's favorite Firefly episodes was the one named Jaynestown. In fact, he was so amused by the idea of people regarding the double-crossing mercenary Jayne Cobb as a folk hero -- complete with a ballad -- that he put up a site about it and called it JayneDay.com.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 18, 2006

Talkin' serious cute

Porcupine babies:

porcupine_babies.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:13 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Size matters

"Which of the three cup sizes pictured below excites older men the most?" asks Rob. (SFW.)

Cup1.jpg

Cup2.jpg

Cup3.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A Living Will

Steve F sends this story:

While I was watching a game last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Rube Goldberg Honda

Carol's friend Stephen sent her this message about a clever Honda ad that was making the rounds of the net a couple of years ago. Here's a Flash version; I thought it was worth another look.

I have not verified the authenticity of the following story, but the film is a really first-class example of a Rube Goldberg machine if I ever saw one!---stephen

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work.

They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:10 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

April 14, 2006

Same old song...

with Junior Parker doing the honors this year (courtesy of Soul Sides).

H.T. to The Club for Growth blog.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

How to pay taxes

A.E. sends this oldie for a reprise:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

RC Duke

A very nicely shot video of a radio-controlled Ducati model in Australia (at Google Video).

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Getting religion

Two rabbis were walking past a church when they saw a sign reading "We'll pay you $2,000 to convert."

The first rabbi, clearly offended, arched his eyebrows and decided to look into the matter. The second agreed to wait for him outside. Twenty minutes later the first rabbi returned.

"Well?" asked the second rabbi. "Is it true? Could they really be offering money for a conversion? Did they offer you 2,000 dollars?"

The first rabbi just frowned and replied, "2,000 dollars? Is money all you people think about?"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 13, 2006

After you shoot yourself in the foot...

Who remembers the video clip of the DEA agent who shot himself while giving a presentation at an elementary school youth group meeting?

The Smoking Gun says:

DEA Agent Who Shot Self In Foot Sues U.S.
Seeks damages for distribution of humiliating gun accident video

APRIL 11--A Drug Enforcement Administration agent who stars in a popular online video that shows him shooting himself in the foot during a weapons demonstration for Florida children is suing over the tape's release, claiming that his career has been crippled and he's become a laughingstock due to the embarrassing clip's distribution.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Young love

Rob reports that his wife thought this clip was funny. It's a trailer for a movie called Ketchup Effect. Not really safe for work...

Young love

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Best cops in the world

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA were all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations without finding the rabbit, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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April 12, 2006

Happy Easter

ChocolateBunnies.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

One man's best friend

"Sir, you have been brought before me and accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defense?"

"Well, Your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my best friend and I shot her. That's all I have to say."

"I saw nothing in the reports about what happened to your best friend. Would you please tell me what happened with him?"

" Well, Your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said: 'BAD DOG, BAD DOG!'"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Quake 3

Here's a time-waster: a Shockwave version of Quake 3 available on the web.

Via A Welsh View.

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April 11, 2006

Senior pick-up line

A very elderly gentleman in his mid 90s, with his hair nicely styled, wearing a well-tailored suit with a flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after-shave walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, and then turns to her and asks, "So tell me... Do I come here often?"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Foam test

Steve R sends this PowerPoint slide show about a test at an Air Force base. (AFFF is a fire-fighting system that uses aqueous film-forming foam.)

The test of the AFFF system at Ellsworth AFB was only supposed to last a few seconds. But the system wouldn't shut off...

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

An old question answered

"Possibly the best chicken joke ever..." says Jeff.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken's leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. But the egg is looking a bit peeved.

It grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well! I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Faith

The dog in this video clip from Montel Williams' show is just amazing. She has two legs but walks - upright. Click the arrow to view the video.

Via DiClerico.

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April 10, 2006

Exercise for seniors

Steve F sends this suggestion for keeping fit.

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks.

Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Pimpstar

Jeff sends a link to these programmable, graphic wheels. Check out the Flash movie of them in action.

Starting at only $12,500.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

End of the world

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE: TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE


Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

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Not in this weather

An extremely clever add from Daimler-Chrysler for the Mercedes E class:

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 08, 2006

Weekend reading 14

From the You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet department, the House passed the “527 Reform Act” (H.R. 513) this week to regulate groups not covered by the BCRA of 2002 (McCain-Feingold). Andrew Roth has been following this one closely at the Club For Growth blog during the last week.

Here's a good post about it at the Liberty Committee's blog:

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Tongue
Campaign-finance reform, whether pushed by Republicans such as John McCain or Democrats such as Russ Feingold, is being foisted on an unsuspecting American public as the way to clean up the corrupt political process. In reality, it is the way for the powerful political insiders to further control what is said at election time and thus control election results. Yes, the governing class wants you to shut up, pay your taxes and believe what they tell you. They will decide what is best for you, your family, our country and the world itself.

The silencing of Americans has been underway for some time. The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 (commonly known as McCain-Feingold) was a major step in limiting our freedom of speech and our political involvement. Emboldened by that success, the governing class is moving to squelch political speech even more by putting political groups known as "527 organizations" -- like the Swift Boat Veterans -- out of business. The U.S. House will vote on such regulation tomorrow. The bill is H.R. 513.

In the You've Got To Be Kidding Me category, here's an article from London's Daily Mail:

'Let burglars off with caution', police told

08:08am 3rd April 2006

Burglars will be allowed to escape without punishment under new instructions sent to all police forces. Police have been told they can let them off the threat of a court appearance and instead allow them to go with a caution.

The same leniency will be shown to criminals responsible for more than 60 other different offences, ranging from arson through vandalism to sex with underage girls.

New rules sent to police chiefs by the Home Office set out how seriously various crimes should be regarded, and when offenders who admit to them should be sent home with a caution.

Last but not least, Everything Not Forbidden Is Compulsory in Massachusetts (my emphasis):

In Massachusetts, Health Care for All?
A state bill would require universal health insurance. Implementing the initiative is likely to prove a lot harder than passing it

Efforts to extend health insurance to more Americans have been stalled in recent years between liberals' insistence on more government spending and conservatives' advocacy of private-sector approaches. Now Massachusetts may have broken the gridlock with an innovative bipartisan plan designed to achieve nearly universal coverage.

The bill, approved by the heavily Democratic Massachusetts legislature on Apr. 4, marries conservative and liberal ideas. For the first time ever in the U.S., all state residents would be required to have health insurance -- dubbed an individual mandate. Gov. Mitt Romney, a moderate Republican expected to run for the White House in 2008, champions this as a conservative victory that leads residents to take responsibility for their own health insurance. He says he plans to sign the bill soon, although he may first try to change some smaller provisions.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 07, 2006

Landing strips

Steve forwards some images from Airliners.net with the question: "How would you like to land your big old plane on these strips?"

The images are all pop-ups.


Hamilton Island, Australia

Heimaey Island, Iceland

Majuro atoll, Marshall Islands

Macau, China

Posted by joke du jour at 09:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Red Square

Here's a clever little game done entirely in JavaScript:

Posted by joke du jour at 09:02 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Heath Robinson Rube Goldberg computer

Tim writes, "This has an incredibly high geek factor."

This proposed HRRB computer project is named in honor of British cartoonist and illustrator William Heath Robinson (1872-1944) and his American counterpart Reuben Lucius Goldberg (1883-1970). Robinson and Goldberg were both famous for creating illustrations of machines that were intended to perform relatively simple tasks, but whose implementations were incredibly complex such that they performed their tasks in exceedingly convoluted and indirect ways.

Just to set the scene, take a look at the photo below. This shows a relay-based computer created by Professor Harry Porter III, who is a lecturer at Portland State University. (You can find out more about this little rapscallion on Harry's Website).

Posted by joke du jour at 09:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

It's spring



And a young person's fancy turns to...

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 06, 2006

Milk drawing

A video clip of someone drawing images in cups of latte:

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

How to tell a redneck starship captain

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

  • your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
  • he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
  • you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
  • he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
  • he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
  • he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
  • he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
  • he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
  • he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
  • he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
  • he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
  • he says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
  • he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
  • he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
  • he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
  • he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
  • he paints the starship John Deere green
  • he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
  • he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
  • his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
  • he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
  • his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
  • he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
  • his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
  • he sets phaser to "Cajun"

From rec.humor.funny.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Media monster

It does vinyl? Wow!

First start with a whopping two terabytes of storage delivered by four 500 gig internal hard drives. Up the ante with a sweet 7" TFT-LCD touch screen... then crush your opponents with high-speed ripping capability for CD, DVD, and vinyl. A handy iPod® dock allows you to transfer songs to and from the iZilla.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

See no evil, hear no evil

Two deaf men were talking about being out late the night before. The first man said, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

"So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 05, 2006

For dogs, cats & you

A.E. sends a link to KookyChow.com, an amusing gallery about some pretty bizarre food. She advises checking out the whole archive.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A cautionary tale

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Dave found this one at Thoughts from the Middle of Nowhere.

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Interesting title

XXXChurch.com tried to get New Testaments printed with the cover shown below. The publisher they asked refused, though, as explained at their blog.

If you like the design, you can get a t-shirt with the same basic design on it.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually... even with all of this variety.... there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 04, 2006

Overload!

Someone collected 17 images of overloaded vehicles (of all types) on this page at Ezprezzo.com.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Follow the rules

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know, " he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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Culinary advice

Carol sends this clip about how not to boil crabs:

Video below the fold.

[MPEG format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Community service

Dave sends this funny story.

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again says, "I'm sorry, I can't take any money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

That day a Republican comes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay his bill the barber tells him, "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and several different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

A Democrat comes in for a haircut that day, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber recites: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen more Democrats lined up waiting for free haircuts.

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April 03, 2006

Top 15 skylines

Luigi Di Serio's picks for the best skylines in the world. His Number 1 Skyline was Hong Kong's.

The page has 18 images (since he includes three runners-up).

Posted by joke du jour at 07:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Medical humor

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. And she's also a grandmother.

One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen.

When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necessary. Just watch him closely for any change."

From rec.humor.funny.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Samurai kittens

Dave sends this link with the comment "finally, a game that allows you to waste time *and* kill kittens!"

The site is a little gory; don't visit if you object to a little splatter. It appears to be part of the promotion for a television show named Sumarai 7.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Totally useless facts

Steve R forwards this message he received:

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 AM, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

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