July 31, 2006
A well done, cute Flash movie.
Lack of information
A guy takes a gorilla out golfing. They come up to the first tee and the gorilla asks, "What am I supposed to do?"
The guy says, "You see that little green spot about 400 yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that." So the gorilla hauls off and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and lands on the green.
Then the guy drives his ball and it goes about 150 yards, and he hits an iron shot and then a second iron shot and finally his ball lands on the green. When they get to the green, the gorilla asks, "What do we do now?"
The man says, "Now you hit the ball into that cup."
"Why didn't you tell me that back there?" asks the gorilla.
Vote early & often
Steve R (our aviation correspondent) sends this request: "If you’re of the mind, please consider (my brother) Don’s request for a vote for his little girl Kylee."
I have to admit she's one of the best-looking candidtes I've seen in a while. His brother writes:
Please vote for our little girl starting August 1st. Kylee's photo has been posted to www.evenflo.com for the "Baby, You're a Star!" contest. Kylee is one of the contestants for the month of July. She has the possibility of winning a $10,000.00 scholarship and become a face for Evenflo.
Click here to see Kylee's photo and vote.
To ensure fairness for each contestant, voting for "Baby, You're a Star!" July contestants will begin on August 01 and will last until August 16. Once the votes have been tallied, a semi-finalist will be chosen and go on to the final round in September.
Remember, you can vote once per day, so please vote each day. Every vote counts!
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "I have a great chance to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing gear and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to pick them up."
He goes home, grabs everything and rushes off. He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time. He says, "Oh, yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
July 29, 2006
Flashback to 1981
A real blast from the past in this clip at YouTube. What were you bit jocks doing in 1981?
Ole and Lena again
Steve F sends this old one (his description).
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs up to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed - quietly - to find a box of Band-Aids and he began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt. But worse, Lena was staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you, Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door... It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs... It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house... It could be your bloodshot eyes...
"But mostly, you dumb-ass, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"
July 27, 2006
B & B cave
Here's a site called Unusual Hotels of the World and they are definitely out of the ordinary.
This image shows a cave in Farmington (New Mexico, I assume) that's home to a bed-and-breakfast. Check it out, there's quite a number of other strange ones.
Via A Welsh View.
Vietnam Vet Posts Letters From War Online
Writer Hopes People Get Understanding Of War
UPDATED: 10:45 am EDT July 13, 2006
LEAWOOD, Kan. -- A Vietnam veteran has posted his personal letters from the war online.
Kansas City, Mo., television station KMBC reported that the letters are ones Gary Canant wrote to his wife just after they were married.
Canant spent eight months in Vietnam in 1968. He left behind Maxie, the woman he had married just 18 days earlier.
"Gary's letters just kept me alive because when he left for Vietnam, a part of me felt like I died," Maxie Canant said.
Maxie Canant kept every letter she received. There are about 200 missives in all, and now they are being posted on the Internet at DearMaxie.com.
Gary Canant said that he decided to create the Web site after his son, Scott, was sent to Iraq with the National Guard.
Letterman on Gates
Sarah sends this amusing clip about Bill Gates that appeared on Letterman's show.
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
A wife and her husband were driving home one night and ran into a bridge abutment and both were killed. They arrived in Heaven and found it was a beautiful golf course -- with a lovely clubhouse and fabulous greens. It was free, so the husband asked, "Do you want to play a round?"
"Sure," she said. They teed off on the first hole and she asked, "What's wrong?"
"You know," he said, "if it hadn't been for your stupid oat bran, we could have been here years ago."
July 26, 2006
From the gallery at HubbleSite.org, this image of massive infant stars forming in the gas of Nebula N83B (NGC 1748):
Pour me another
So this guy walks into a bar and orders a double. After the bartender serves him, he slams it down and says, "Give me another."
The bartender asks, "Hey, pal, what are we celebrating?"
"My first blow job."
"Well, great!" says the bartender. "Have another on the house."
"Thanks," the guys says. "And keep 'em coming... I've got to get this taste out of my mouth!"
One morning a husband returned home after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, his wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and began reading a book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, while thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," the game warden informed her.
"But, officer, I'm not fishing... I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment for fishing. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault."
"But I haven't even touched you," said the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," said the warden as he left.
July 25, 2006
Steve R passes along a message with 5 images of a fighter jet crashing (presumably a Russian craft). The message read, "Pilots were lucky. Don't know about the people on the ground. Don't know where this is."
"One heckuva an ejection seat. Look at that downward vector, then see how high the parachutes are in the follow-on slides. This is what you would call .. right close!"
The BrainGate™ Neural Interface System is currently the subject of a pilot clinical trial being conducted under an Investigational Device Exemption (IDE) from the FDA. The system is designed to restore functionality for a limited, immobile group of severely motor-impaired individuals. It is expected that people using the BrainGate™ System will employ a personal computer as the gateway to a range of self-directed activities. These activities may extend beyond typical computer functions (e.g., communication) to include the control of objects in the environment such as a telephone, a television and lights.
It won't always be cool
J R passes on a funny clip from SNL:
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
Dorothy and Edna, two older widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
"That nice Joe asked me out for a date," says Dorothy. "I know that you went out with him last week and I wanted to ask you about him before I give him an answer."
Edna says, "Well, I'll tell you... He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7, dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a luxury car -- a limousine -- uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then we go out for dinner, a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then when we come back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. Completely crazy! He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- twice!"
"Goodness! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
"No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
July 24, 2006
Very, very clever
Carol sends this ad for Talk Talk in the UK.
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
I'm sure everyone's heard of ExpertsExchange.com -- or expertsexchange.com as it's more commonly written. Here's a list of 10 funny domain names.
0 to 60 in about 4 seconds
Tesla Motors claims they'll be introducing the Tesla Roadster in early 2007 - an all-electric car that it will do 0 to 60 in about 4 seconds and get 250 miles per charge.
Sounds great! Since this Missouri, though, they're going to have to show me.
Armed Teen Girls Use MySpace To Set Up Robbery Of Man
POSTED: 12:50 pm EDT June 29, 2006
UPDATED: 3:17 pm EDT June 29, 2006
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A North Florida man claims he was "just looking for some fun" while visiting a popular website. Getting robbed wasn't what he had in mind.
The Jacksonville man planned on meeting in person with a girl he met on MySpace.com. While at the apartment where the two decided to meet, he was instead approached by a 14-year-old and 15-year-old girl.
"She took the gun and put it to my head and said, 'Empty out your pockets,'" the victim said.
July 22, 2006
A curious slide show at the BBC News site about someone in search of the "ultimate edible challenge". Here's a tasty Klingon dish:
Actually, it's only Chinese deep-fried scorpions.
A pretty hilarious editorial from New Jersey.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
By FRANK SCANDALE
The subject matter of taxes is no stranger to The Record.
TAXES ARE the crack of New Jersey lawmakers. Pure and simple. The more they get, the more they want. The more they want, the more they need to get the same results.
Once they get a hit, it feels good. But an hour later, they need another hit, and now they need a little more. Pretty soon, it gets pricey for a fix.
Taxpayers get angry because they have to fund the fix. They vote out the last addict. A new one comes in and swears on a stack of holy documents that taxes are not an option. OK, maybe not a viable option. OK, what he really meant was they are the last option.
Really, what he meant was that there is no other way.
Pass the pipe, please.
Via The Agitator.
Steve R (who else?) sends this clip with the comment, "F14 model plane from (I believe) Germany."
This thing appears to be at 1:4 or 1:5 scale and is incredibly detailed. I suppressed the soundtack in the Flash player, so there's no audio. If you want to hear it, download the WMV file.
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
July 21, 2006
Dale Amon at Samizdata writes about the news from St. Louis and raises a question I wondered about myself. (My ellipsis.)
Perhaps instead of 'American Idol' there is need for a new program on 'American Wimps'. After reading this I practically broke out laughing:
Utility companies were still struggling to restore power. By Thursday evening, electricity had been restored to 160,000 customers in St. Louis, but new reports of outages kept coming in. The day's high temperature was 97 degrees, but the humidity made it feel like 111.
The evacuated residents were taken to "cooling centers" after leaving their homes.
"We can't overemphasize the danger of this heat," Mayor Francis Slay said. "The longer the heat goes on and the power is out, the riskier it is."
I just can not get the image out of my mind of long lines of Conestoga Wagons crawling across the prairie with A/C water dripping out the back; or of the 'Little House on the Prairie' with a rush of cool air from the built-in heat pump as you step through their door...
Am I the only one who finds the above article... embarrassing?
July 20, 2006
Here's a pretty cool Flash clip by Nike to advertise their golfing gear, made using a camera that will record 4000 images per second.
Watch closely, golfers.
Via the CFG blog.
Some lines to make you smile
According to Carol.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
Don't take life so seriously; no one gets out alive.
The original point and click interface came from Smith & Wesson.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people - He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the Things-I-Wanted-To-Be-When-I-Grew-Up.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken - a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Quick change artists
A pair of quick change artists who appeared on NBC's show America's Got Talent. Pretty impressive.
Sincerest form of flattery
A young composition student in one of the more prestigious conservatories in Russia is running out of time for an important project. In the coming weekend, the school orchestra will be gathered on stage to read through all the composition students' symphonies for the first time in front of the professor.
In a flash of last-minute genius, he goes to the library, checks out one of his professor's symphonies and writes out the whole work backwards. That weekend, after all his hand-copied parts have been distributed, he waits nervously as the orchestra looks over the music.
The conductor steps into place and readies the orchestra. On his downbeat, out comes the opening fanfare to Tchaikovsky's 4th.
Andrew Thompson via rec.humor.funny.
July 19, 2006
A collection of ~90 images of interesting statuary from around the world (including one from the old Busch stadium, I believe).
Misquoted in his autobiography
I found this mentioned at The Dilbert blog - and you can probably imagine the fun Scott Adams had with it.
Owens says he was misquoted in own book
Posted: 2 days ago
IRVING, Texas (AP) - Terrell Owens says plenty in his new book. Except for one word he now claims he didn't say.
But making a big deal of an apparent misquotation - despite the sentence being written in the first-person - is the kind of media nitpicking Owens would lament in his 242-page book that mostly offers his side of two tumultuous seasons with the Philadelphia Eagles.
In "T.O.", which debuted last week, Owens likens former teammate Donovan McNabb to a bully who spat in his mouth as a teenager while he innocently slept on a school bus.
The new Dallas Cowboys receiver also devotes pages to his perceived vilification in the press and described his quick comeback from a leg fracture in 2004 as, "If you'll forgive me for saying so ... nothing short of heroic."
But forgive him or not, Owens said Thursday during a book signing near the Cowboys' headquarters that it was "T.O." co-author Jason Rosenhaus who invented that particular phrasing.
Who's your daddy?
A clever ad from a mortgage company (sent by a couple of people):
Video below the fold.
[MPEG format. Save.]
White collar crime
An old one that bears repeating:
Three white collar prisoners are hanging around the yard comparing notes.
Former Exxon executive: They say I charged too much for oil. I'm in for price gouging.
Former Microsoft executive: They say I charged too little for software. I'm in for unfair competition.
Former Samsung executive: They say I charged the same price as everyone else for computer chips. I'm in for price fixing.
Found at Samizdata.
July 18, 2006
By someone who obviously had too much time on his or her hands:
Who's who in Heaven
A woman died and went to Heaven, and St. Peter took her on a tour. They passed a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman asked, "Who's down there?"
St. Peter said, "Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays."
They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more goaning and wailing and the woman asked, "OK, who's down there?"
"Those are the Baptists who went to dances," St. Peter told her.
And a little farther along, there was another pit with people in it who were crying and ripping their garments. So the woman asked, "And those people?"
And St. Peter said, "Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."
Somewhere along the line someone wrote, "You've seen those kid's activity stickers on the rear glass of Mom's/Dad's vehicle with the kids' names under them; you may even have one or two of them. They're everywhere.
"I like this one. "
If you run MovableType 3.x, here's a technical tip from ThoughtMesh.net that describes a slick way to reduce Spam comments and trackbacks. The idea will work for other systems, but config directions are only provided for MovableType.
I put it in place a few days ago, after reading about it at Transterrestrial Musings and it's worked like a charm (so far at least... and knock on wood). My daily chore of cleaning up Spam comments and trackbacks has disappeared. I don't expect that to last forever, but it is nice while it lasts and it should make a big difference in the volume in the longer run.
July 17, 2006
Bigelow Aerospace successfully deployed its inflatable, solar-powered prototype for a space hotel last Thursday.
Genesis I with the Earth in the background. The module's orbit is coming from the dark side of the Earth into daylight. The arm on the right is a side view of a forward solar array.
Daughter Who Surprised Mom With Birthday Visit Sues Parents
UPDATED: 3:17 pm EDT July 13, 2006
MADISON, Wis. -- An Illinois woman is suing her Wisconsin parents for maintaining an icy driveway that she blamed for a fall that broke her ankle two winters ago.
This week, a federal judge refused to toss out the lawsuit, setting up a trial for November.
Carriel Louah, 25, visited Darlington, Wis., to surprise her mother on her birthday in January 2005. But the next morning, she was injured when she slipped and fell on her parents' driveway. She filed suit against her parents earlier this year.
DJ Ted's techno tubes
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.
It's a series of tubes.
This clip appears to have been done by Paul Holcomb at boldheaded.com and you can read his post and download the MP3 there.
Since the MP3 was freely available, you can listen to it below. It's very well done and pretty amusing.
Time for a change
Oil Change Procedure for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on yourself in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag Pan Full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
But you know the job was done right!
July 15, 2006
What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists?
Baptists won't wave to each other in the liquor store.
Why should you always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you?
If you invite only one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any.
Two Baptist ministers were talking about the immorality of the country today, and one of them said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married. Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
About 100 years ago, there were a Methodist minister and Baptist preacher living in the same small town. One day, the Methodist spotted the Baptist walking down the road and asked him, "What happened to your bicycle, brother?"
"Why, I believe someone stole it," replied the Baptist preacher. "I guess I'll have to walk until I can get another or mine's returned."
"I'll tell you what," said the Methodist. "Next Sunday, why don't we both preach on the Ten Commandments. When we get to number 8, we'll bear down on it. Then maybe the thief will want to repent and return your bicycle."
"That's a good idea!" said the Baptist. "Let's do that."
A week or so later, the Methodist spotted the Baptist riding his bike down the road. "Well, it looks like one of our sermons bore fruit!" he called out to the Baptist.
The preacher stopped and answered, "Yes, but not quite the way you're thinking, I'm afraid. I followed your suggestion and preached a sermon on the Ten Commandments and I was all set to really lay it on number 8. But when I got to number 7, I remembered where I'd left my bike..."
What's a nice girl like you...
...doing in a place like Paradise?
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
...eight to go.
5-Week-Old Kitten Survives Going Through Wood Chipper
POSTED: 12:54 pm EDT July 6, 2006
UPDATED: 1:04 pm EDT July 6, 2006
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. -- They say curiosity killed the cat, but that's not the case for a South Florida kitten that survived a trip through a wood chipper.
A woman noticed this five week old kitten, appropriately named Chipper, after it went though the large machine. She rushed him to a West Palm Beach animal hospital.
Chipper had a fractured neck and shattered his two front legs. But three major surgeries later, he is rapidly recovering.
July 13, 2006
Fred Clark's obituary
I never expected I'd be posting about an obituary but given Mr. Clark's attitude as expressed in his obit, I think it's time. And I don't think he'd have minded.
Here's the opener; you can read the whole thing at the Richmond Times-Dispatch.
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids.
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email email@example.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"
Published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch on 7/9/2006.
Orders of magnitude
One of five images in a collection about astronomical scale.
Why is it dangerous to annoy a Unitarian?
He might burn a question mark on your front lawn.
Why are Unitarians such bad singers?
Because they're always reading ahead in the hymnal to see if they agree with it.
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's WItness?
Somone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
July 12, 2006
Steve R takes a break from the planes to send this case mod.
And don't forget the WD-40
Duct Tape Suggested As Quick-Fix To Spacewalking Problem
POSTED: 10:10 am EDT July 11, 2006
UPDATED: 10:12 am EDT July 11, 2006
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- Even in space, a little duct tape may work wonders.
Astronaut Piers Sellers suggested using some of the multipurpose sticky material to fix a safety-jet backpack used during spacewalks after it almost came loose from him while he repaired the international space station.
"Right now, is there some kind of tape fix that you guys could think about that would be helpful?" Sellers asked Mission Control Tuesday morning, a day after the propulsive backpack started to come loose during his spacewalk with astronaut Mike Fossum.
Fossum had to tether the device to Sellers to keep it from flying away.
It's all in your mind
says Rob, talking about these 7 ads. This first one comes from Volvo.
This year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has been decided and here's a snippet by the winner, Jim Guigli:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
My favorite is by one of the runners-up, Stuart Vasepuru:
"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"
July 11, 2006
A pretty bizarre Flash clip from the Festival International du Cinema d'Animation.
World eBook Fair
says Please visit us here from July 4th-August 4, 2006 to download your selections from 1/3 million free eBooks.
Here's one example, which also appeared on the Kinky Friedman for Governor site.
"Let's get Kinky in Austin!" Is that a great line or what?
Update: Carol writes, "Did you know that the city of Austin uses this tagline in their advertising (e.g., when you land at the airport): Let’s keep Austin Weird ? Somehow Let's get Kinky in Austin! seems to fit right in with that.
A house divided
GOP Husband, Democrat Wife Battle For Same House Seat
POSTED: 8:18 am EDT July 10, 2006
OVERLAND PARK, Kan. -- Politics really does make strange bedfellows, at least in the Ippel household.
Jeff Ippel is a Republican, trying to win his party's primary to run for a seat in the Kansas House. His wife Pam is unopposed in the August Democratic primary, for the same seat.
In order to oppose his wife in a head-to-head election on Nov. 1, Jeff has to beat primary opponents Sherrelyn Smith and Jeff Colyer.
She was the first in the family to enter the race. But Jeff Ippel said he has better ideas than his wife.
July 10, 2006
"This guy ought to go to church -- or buy lottery tickets," says Tucson John.
Video below the fold.
[MPEG format. Save.]
Scott sends this entry for the Worst Pun Ever contest:
Three musical instruments are sitting in a bar and, after a few drinks, they begin boasting.
"I don't want to brag," says the first, "but I'm a drum. And drums, as I'm sure you know, were the first instruments in the history of the world -- used not only for music but also for long range communication and even to motivate soldiers in a time of war. Just about every style of music uses drums of some sort. Hell, there probably wouldn't even be music it if wasn't for us."
"Drums are great, if you only want to play one note," the second instrument cuts in. "But as a piano, I have 88 keys to choose from. Most of the great classical music was written with me in mind and even today my cousin - the keyboard - is central to the creation of modern music."
"Don't talk to me about modern music," scoffs the third instrument. "I'm a guitar; and while you old-timers may have been big in your day, it's the 21st century now. And it's guitars like me that have made rock & roll the most popular music in the world today."
The second instrument sizes up the third skeptically, and then says, "What are you talking about? You're not a guitar... you're nothing but a small harp."
Tthe third instrument leaps off of his stool and shouts, "Are you calling me a lyre?!"
Be neat and clean
This is a curious ad from Norelco with the theme: Shave everywhere.
Last November, I wrote a post about Kyle MacDonald, who was trying to trade a paperclip for a house.
Mr. MacDonald says he's done it: "I traded one red paperclip for a house. I started with one red paperclip on July 12 2005 and 14 trades later, on July 12, 2006 I will trade with the Town of Kipling Saskatchewan for a house located at 503 Main Street."
July 07, 2006
The truth about sushi
...is revealed in this very funny Google Video clip:
This reminds me of Dave Barry's claim that tofu is the Japanese word for whale snot.
2. Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play La Cucaracha every time thy phone rings. Or Beethoven's Fifth, or the Bee Gees, or any other annoying melody. Is it not enough that phones go off every other second? Now we have to listen to synthesized nonsense?
One of the Ten Commandments of cell phone etiquette at InfoWorld.
A bus you don't want to catch
By Calum MacLeod, USA TODAY
(June 15) -- Zhang Shiqiang, known as the Nine-Fingered Devil, first tasted justice at 13. His father caught him stealing and cut off one of Zhang's fingers.
Twenty-five years later, in 2004, Zhang met retribution once more, after his conviction for double murder and rape. He was one of the first people put to death in China's new fleet of mobile execution chambers.
Here's a list of free WiFi hotspots across the US.
It's the kind of thing that could be really handy - if you didn't need a free WiFi hotspot to get to it. So check it before you leave home.
July 06, 2006
Jeans too tight?
Another illustrated rhetorical question from Rob:
A reasonable wife
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black & white TV. But I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV - but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde. And she'd make sure that I'd once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
Blue collar humor
From Blue Collar TV (courtesy of Rob):
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
A.E. sent me some quotes by Dorothy Parker recently, which caused me to dig out my Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes. It had quite a collection of tales about Dorothy and here are several of those. Enjoy...
At one time Dorothy Parker had a small, dingy cubbyhole of an office in the Metropolitan Opera House building in New York. As no one ever came to see her, she became depressed and lonely. When the signwriter came to paint her name on the office door, she got him to write instead the word "GENTLEMEN."
A young man looking loftily around at a party said, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools."
"How odd," said Dorothy Parker. "Your mother could, apparently."
While a book reviewer for The New Yorker, Dorothy Parker went on her honeymoon. Her editor, Harold Ross, began pressuring her for her belated copy. She replied, "Too fucking busy, and vice versa."
Dorothy Parker and a friend were talking about a forceful and garrulous celebrity. "She's so outspoken," remarked the friend.
"By whom?" asked Dorothy.
Gossiping about an acquaintance, Dorothy Parker murmured in bogus admiration, "You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And she can't say 'No' in any of them."
She was asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence. "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think," said Dorothy Parker promptly.
Dorothy Parker once attended a party with Somerset Maugham where the guests challenged each other to complete nursery rhymes. Somerset Maugham presented Mrs. Parker with the lines: "Higgledy piggledy, my white hen / She lays eggs for gentlemen."
Dorothy Parker added the following couplet: "You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat / To come across for the proletariat."
Dorothy Parker once collided with Clare Boothe Luce in a narrow doorway. "Age before beauty," said Mrs. Luce, stepping aside.
"Pearls before swine," said Dorothy Parker, gliding through.
A friend was very upset at having to get rid of his cat. Dorothy Parker suggested, "Have you tried curiosity?"
During her later years Dorothy Parker increasingly found refuge in alcohol. Admitted to a sanatorium, she approved the room but told the doctor she would have to go out every hour or so for a drink. He solemnly warned her that she must stop drinking or she would be dead within a month. "Promises, promises," she said with a sigh.
July 04, 2006
Fireworks and friends
John says, "With friends like these..."
Video below the fold.
[WMV format. Save.]
"Pathetic, if true," writes Steve. These stories remind me of Sen. Stevens, from Alaska, discoursing on how the Internet works last week.
A Washington, D. C., airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble.
I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response - click.
A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an oceanview room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. So I asked him why he wanted to rent a car; he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations and said, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes. What flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
July 01, 2006
Let the string go
Another in my series of summer-themed tunes, this one's called Sailin' the Wind and it comes from Full Sail, a Loggins & Messina album.
Enjoy the weekend.