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August 31, 2006

What's with cats?

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night. And when they do come home, they expect to be fed and stroked and then left alone to sleep.

Everything that women hate in men, they love in cats.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

And then there were 8

Someone is selling a memorial shirt for Pluto.

Pluto_never_forget.gif

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

At the grocer's

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce moist. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of freshly-cut hay.

At the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of frying eggs and bacon.

The area for canned veggies features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I'm afraid to buy toilet paper there.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A riddle

...from Rob.

If big-chested women work at Hooters...

Hooters.jpg

...where do one-legged women work?

IHOP.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 29, 2006

Supporting the troops

Interesting local news:

VFW Post Finds Site For G-String Fundraiser

POSTED: 2:29 pm EDT August 24, 2006
UPDATED: 5:26 pm EDT August 24, 2006

O'FALLON, Ill. -- The Veterans of Foreign Wars Post in O'Fallon, Ill., said it didn't mean any harm, but it has agreed to move a "G-Strings For GIs" strip show featuring male dancers.

A nightclub in the nearby town of Sauget, Ill., has agreed to host the fundraiser Saturday night.

Members of the VFW post said they figure the striptease event would raise more money in a single night than a month of fish fries.

More than 150 women have plunked down $18 each for the event. The proceeds will go toward supplies such as sunscreen, books and bug spray.

Via WFTV.

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Battlefield Flash

A very clever clip: an animated Flash character battles its creator. This will probably be funnier to those who've used Macromedia's Flash.

AnimationWar.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:02 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Paging Bishop Berkeley

If a man is in a forest talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

If a woman is in a forest talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?

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Fair warning

PMS_24_7.jpg

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August 28, 2006

Opposites attract

You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common. Why did you get married?

I suppose it was the old business of "opposites attract." He wasn't pregnant and I was.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Death wish

Even though I used to work as a lineman (doing what this guy's doing) and don't have much fear of heights, I still got the heebie jeebies watching this clip at Google video.

DeathWish.jpg

Don't slip!

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What a send-off

Police crack down on striptease funerals
Wed Aug 23, 11:09 AM ET

BEIJING (Reuters) - Striptease send-offs at funerals may become a thing of the past in east China after five people were arrested for organizing the intimate farewells, state media reported on Wednesday.

Police swooped last week after two groups of strippers gave "obscene performances" at a farmer's funeral in Donghai County, Jiangsu province, Xinhua news agency said.

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PriUPS

Need a UPS? Use your Toyota Prius.

PriUps.jpg

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August 25, 2006

St. Louis Barbies

Lou sends this humorous bit of local color.

Chesterfield Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at Chesterfield Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Florissant Barbie

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

East St. Louis Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop... then we don't know what you're talking about.

Ladue Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Granite City Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too smal and a NASCAR shirt, with a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag rear window decoration absolutely free.

Clayton Barbie

This collagen-injected, rhinoplasticized Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.

Imperial Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Arnold Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise, acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Tower Grove Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and wears Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Tower Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Ferguson Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

South County Barbie

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is 'cause he's always hunting.

Central West End Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Free to Choose

I found this at Greg Mankiw's blog. It's a set of links to Google Video for Milton Friedman's series Free to Choose, which appeared on PBS in 1980.

FreeToChoose.jpg
A young Thomas Sowell appears in Vol. 4.

Volume 1: Power of the Market
Volume 2: The Tyranny of Control
Volume 3: Anatomy of a Crisis
Volume 4: From Cradle to Grave
Volume 5: Created Equal
Volume 6: What’s Wrong With Our Schools?
Volume 7: Who Protects the Consumer?
Volume 8: Who Protects the Worker?
Volume 9: How to Cure Inflation
Volume 10: How to Stay Free

And as proof that It's A Small World After All, I recently found that Prof. Mankiw is the author of my son's Economics textbook.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Honey, I'm home!

Wife Runs Over Husband Sleeping In Driveway
Man Says He'd Been Drinking Alcohol

POSTED: 8:44 am EDT August 24, 2006

ROGERS, Ark. -- An Arkansas man who fell asleep in his driveway woke up when his wife came home and turned into the driveway to park the car and ran over him.

Kristine Bolson told the Benton County Sheriff's Office that she drove into her driveway shortly after midnight Tuesday and heard a loud cracking sound. She said that when she got out of her vehicle, she heard moaning and found her husband, Richard Gonzalez, on the ground near her vehicle. Bolson said she did not initially see her husband in the driveway.

Via WFTV.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Boobs on bikes

BoobsOnBikes.jpg
The famous Harley Twin model
"Boobs" on bikes and tanks attract big NZ crowd
Wed Aug 23, 8:01 AM ET

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Thousands of people -- almost all of them men -- lined the main street of New Zealand's biggest city Wednesday as 25 topless porn stars paraded on motor bikes and two old army tanks.

Businessmen, schoolboys and Japanese tourists lined Auckland's Queen St to watch the "Boobs on Bikes" parade, which went ahead despite the winter chill, a nippy wind and objections by some city officials.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 24, 2006

Cruise diary

DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my best dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. Did OK... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today. Twice.

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Goggles

Here's an interesting combination of Google Maps and Flash: a flight simulator called Goggles.

Visit the link and click the Start button. Your origin has already been set, so there's no need to pick it (unless you want a different one).

Goggles.jpg

Anyone recognize the stadium?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Mindset list

It's that time of year again. Beloit College has published its annual Mindset List for the class of 2010 (assumed to have been born in 1988). Here are the first 15 of 75.

1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.
2. They have known only two presidents.
3. For most of their lives, major U.S. airlines have been bankrupt.
4. Manuel Noriega has always been in jail in the U.S.
5. They have grown up getting lost in "big boxes."
6. There has always been only one Germany.
7. They have never heard anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register.
8. They are wireless, yet always connected.
9. A stained blue dress is as famous to their generation as a third-rate burglary was to their parents'.
10. Thanks to pervasive headphones in the back seat, parents have always been able to speak freely in the front.
11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.
12. Smoking has never been permitted on U.S. airlines.
13. Faux fur has always been a necessary element of style.
14. The Moral Majority has never needed an organization.
15. They have never had to distinguish between the St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football teams.

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Dis the ref

BiggestIdiot.jpg

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August 23, 2006

Blasphemy

The most interesting thing to me about the outrageous -- blasphemous? -- claim below is that this Steorn company took out an ad in The Economist seeking physicists to validate their technology. Nothing more than slick PR, I'd say, but I do admire their chutzpah.

We have developed a technology that produces free, clean and constant energy.

This means never having to recharge your phone, never having to refuel your car. A world with an infinite supply of clean energy for all.

Our technology has been independently validated by engineers and scientists - always off the record, always proven to work.

Here's an interesting interview with Steorn's CEO at PureEnergySystems.com, an "alternative energy" site.

Via MacRaven.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Burning Safari

An entertaining QuickTime animation.

BurningSafari.jpg

Via DiClerico.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Uncle Bubba

My advice? Skip this one and spare yourself the groan.

Bubba's sister was pregnant when she ended up in a bad car accident, which caused her to go into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakened and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "You had twins, ma''am: a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, 'Oh, no! Not Bubba... he's an idiot!' She reluctantly asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answered.

The new mother thought, 'Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.'

"And my son's name?" she asked.

"Denephew."

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Tesla road test

In my last post about the Tesla Roadster, I said they'd have to show me. While I still haven't driven one of their cars myself, Ben Stewart has and he wrote about it at the Popular Mechanics automotive blog.

So it seems Tesla has more than just a slick website (and a great name). They have at least one electric car and a fairly positive review of it.

TeslaRoadTest.jpg

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August 22, 2006

A point of pride

Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

How to win a million

This fellow, named John Carpenter, shows amazing style when he correctly answers a question for $500,000 to win the game on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Prayer positions

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," said the priest.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing, with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying on the floor."

The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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Attention ball collectors

GolfBalls.jpg

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August 21, 2006

Lookin' for a good time

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: OK. But if you get home before I do, remember to leave the light on for me.

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Spiral fractal zoom

A nicely done clip called Blue Oyster Spiral Fractal Zoom:

SpiralFractal.jpg

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Your teddy bear needs a vacation

Send your cuddly toy on holiday!

The TEDDY TOUR BERLIN staff offer your teddy a week’s holiday including a guided tour of Berlin, pick-nick in the zoological garden (Tiergarten) and comprehensive care by a qualified physiotherapist. On top of that, you’ll receive many beautiful holiday pictures as well as a holiday postcard and much more!

TeddyBearTour.jpg

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August 18, 2006

Time fountain

Nate True built this fountain using water treated with a flourescent dye and some UV LEDs that provide a strobe light for the droplets. He can produce some very interesting effects with the strobing LEDs, such as making the fountain "run backward." Very impressive.

Check out the video and his description.

TimeFountain.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Lost at sea

This is a little hard to believe, but it's being reported as straight news.

Fishermen rescued after 9 months adrift 8,000 km from home
Mary Vallis and Natalie Alcoba, National Post
Published: Thursday, August 17, 2006

Three Mexican fishermen who disappeared in the Pacific Ocean nine months ago have been rescued nearly 8,000 kilometres from their home, saying they survived by eating seagulls, drinking rainwater and reading the Bible.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Performance art

From the UK's Daily Mail:

It's art, says the naked woman who'll hug a dead pig on stage
Daily Mail Reporter 08:29am 18th August 2006

After pickled sheep, unmade beds and painting with elephant dung, some questioned where modern art could go next.

Kira O'Reilly will provide her own answer today by spending four hours naked, hugging a dead pig - at the taxpayer's expense.

DeadPig.jpg

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Just unbelievable

Even though I find it very amusing personally, I try not to link to TheDailyWTF so I won't bore too many non-technical folks. But this one is just too bizarre to pass up and you non-technical folks will just have to take your chances.

Now, fellow coders, engineers, and designers, can you say, "Code it in Visio"? Yep, that Visio - the formerly 3rd-party software that Microsoft bought back in 2000 and rolled into MS Office (sort of).

You'll need to visit TheDailyWTF to appreciate what follows.

When I first saw it, I thought it was some sort of circuit diagram. Actually, it's a Visio diagram (12 of 136) that contains one of these complex workflow modules. Let me rephrase that: the diagram doesn't represent the workflow or show how the workflow is coded, it is the workflow. Let's take a look at a closeup.

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August 17, 2006

Tofu

A funny ad for Hummer's H3 that's titled Tofu.

TofuHummer.jpg

Via Althouse.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Lucky what?

Girl in Wales finds lucky whale vomit

BANGOR, Wales, Aug. 13 (UPI) -- A vacationing 10-year old girl is set to become 3,500 pounds -- about $6,633 -- richer from a lump of whale vomit she found on a beach in Wales.

The Sun reported Melissa Cathcart of St. Helens, Merseyside, England, was beachcombing on an island when she came across the waxy substance known as ambergris, also called "floating gold."

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Futurama case mod

It's a PC that looks like Leela.

Leela_case_mod.jpg

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He finally figures it out

A dying man was talking to his wife, "You know, honey, you've always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you've been there.

"When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the heart attack, you were there, and when we lost the house and then when I got liver cancer, you were always by my side. You know something?"

"What?" asked his wife.

"I think you're bad luck."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 16, 2006

Upside-down-ternet

My neighbours are stealing my wireless internet access. I could encrypt it or alternately I could have fun.

I'm starting here by splitting the network into two parts, the trusted half and the untrusted half. The trusted half has one netblock, the untrusted a different netblock. We use the DHCP server to identify mac addresses to give out the relevant addresses.

[...]

we set iptables to forward everything to a transparent squid proxy running on port 80 on the machine.

[...]

That machine runs squid with a trivial redirector that downloads images, uses mogrify to turn them upside down and serves them out of it's local webserver.

UpsideDown2.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Good news, bad news

An old one, but worth a reprise.

God decides it's time to have the world end. He calls in all the heads of state and Bill Gates. He tells them that the world is going to end in seven days.

So the politicians all return to their people and they all say, basically, "There's good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the end of the world is coming."

Bill Gates goes back to Redmond and says, "I have some good news and some even better news. The good news is, I'm one of the most important people in the world. And the even better news is that we don't have to worry about shipping Vista."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Say Thanks

Xerox has a site called Let's Say Thanks. In their own words:

This web site gives you an opportunity to send a free printed postcard to U.S. soldiers stationed overseas showing your support and appreciation for their service to our country.
SayThanks.jpg

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That's an expensive haircut

Vero Beach man's desire to get a haircut leads to his wife's arrest
By ADAM L. NEAL
August 16, 2006

INDIAN RIVER COUNTY — A Vero Beach man's desire to get a haircut Sunday evening ultimately led to his wife's arrest after she repeatedly called 911 to have deputies stop him.

Mildred McQuay, 48, of the 2000 block of 14th Avenue Southwest, was arrested at her home and charged with misusing the 911 system. She remained in jail Monday afternoon on $500 bond.

Via Dave Barry.

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August 15, 2006

Spirit over St. Louis

Steve R sends a link to this image at the Air Mobility Command's site. This image also appeared in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch last week, during Air Force Week at Scott Air Force base (which is just east of St. Louis).

B-2 Spirit flies over St. Louis
A B-2 Stealth bomber from the 509th Bomb Wing at Whiteman Air Force Base, Mo., flies over the St. Louis Arch on Aug. 10. The B-2 flyover was one of several events celebrating Air Force Week in St. Louis. (U.S. Air Force photo/Tech. Sgt. Justin D. Pyle)

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Living proof

A young lady comes home from a date looking pretty sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "I thought you loved him."

"Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!"

"Marry him anyway," her mother replied. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he can be."

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Balancing point

A really impressive clip:

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

What's for dinner?

A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were preparing.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?!" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Sunday is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 14, 2006

The Darwin Awards

The movie.

DarwinAwards.jpg

Trailer below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Tux

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One says to the other, "You know, you look just like you're wearing a tuxedo."

"Who says I'm not?" replied the other.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Air trip

Someone documented his round trip from California to Airventure 2006 in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He's put up a series of 50 images. Many are of the scenery between California and Wisconsin and others of vintage aircraft at Oshkosh -- a nice collection.

Oshkosh_23.jpg

Tip o' the hat to Steve R.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Another victimless crime?

Woman comes home to find house cleaned

Fri Aug 11, 7:10 AM ET

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - When Debbie Phillips tried to report a crime, police just snickered. "I told him that someone came into my house and cleaned," the president of the Putnam County School Board said. "He just laughed."

The problem wasn't that her home smelled a little fresher or looked a little tidier. The problem was that Phillips had no idea who the mystery cleaner was.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 11, 2006

Speaks for itself

CoffeeTable.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Fix your Windows

Homeland Security: Fix your Windows
By Joris Evers, CNET News.com
Published on ZDNet News: August 9, 2006, 10:37 AM PT

In a rare alert, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has urged Windows users to plug a potential worm hole in the Microsoft operating system.

The agency, which also runs the United States Computer Emergency Readiness Team (US-CERT), sent out a news release on Wednesday recommending that people apply Microsoft's MS06-040 patch as quickly as possible. The software maker released the "critical" fix Tuesday as part of its monthly patch cycle.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Hanky Panky

Rob sends a link to a video clip of Ursula Martinez doing her act called Hanky Panky. It's "a five minute choreographed magic strip-tease. The act uses a simple disappearing handkerchief conjuring trick at its core."

It's a pretty impressive bit of prestidigitation. But it's not at all SFW since Ms Martinez ends up wearing only her high heels.


Update 10/15/07: Since someone asked "How does she do that?" here's a single image from the clip showing her thumb tip
Ursula's thumb tip

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (19) | TrackBack

Showing respect

A young man was playing golf with a senior citizen. Just as the older man was about ready to hit his tee shot, he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently watching the procession go by until it disappeared.

"That's really nice of you," said the younger man. "Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?"

"No," said the senior citizen, "not usually. But it's the least I could do in this case... I was married to the woman for forty years."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 10, 2006

Litter robot

Good news for cat fanciers.

LitterRobot.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

An unused instrument

An elegant young woman on a flight from Switzerland said to the priest seated beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." So the priest took the hair dryer from her.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest goes ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have the anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have the nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father... Next!"

Posted by joke du jour at 06:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Paper church key

This might seem like a lot of trouble to go to open a bottle of beer - but it is a Negra Modelo, after all.

Clip at YouTube.

PaperChurchKey.jpg

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August 09, 2006

A love story

This 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

"A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six.

The judge said, "Then I'll give you six days in jail."

OldCouple.jpg

Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband spoke up and asked if he could say something.

"Very well," said the judge. "What is it?"

"She took a can of peas too."

Posted by joke du jour at 08:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A moment on Earth

An interesting photo mosaic project.

MomentOnEarth.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

How poor?

When I was a kid, we were so poor that when my little brother broke his arm we took him to the airport to get it x-rayed.

We were so poor, my dad would eat Cheerios with a fork so he could pass the milk around the table.

We were so poor, we used to lick stamps for dinner.

We were so poor, we didn't even use the "o" and the "r."

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August 08, 2006

Dog tricks

It's almost a canine version of Subservient Chicken at idodogtricks.com:

DogTrix.jpg

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Is this a great headline?

Even dead people can't escape AOL
By David Sheets
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
08/04/2006

Maxine Gauthier doesn't own a computer. She doesn't know the first thing about Web browsing or sending e-mail. She's not even sure where to find a computer's "on" button, as she describes it.

Yet for the past nine months, she has been fighting one of the most persistent and some say irritating institutions in cyberspace: AOL, formerly known as America Online.

"They just haven't wanted to let go," the 55-year-old St. Louisan said. "I don't think they'll ever really let go."

[...]

The problem? An AOL account once held by Gauthier's late father still showed billing charges accumulating against it. The account had been dormant for months; the credit card he used for it was inactive at least as long.

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Tweel

Steve R forwards this message with the comment "A departure from planes..." These are images of Michelin's Tweel™, which is both a tire and a wheel. It was first announced in January, 2005.

Radical new tire design by Michelin. The next generation of tires. They had a pair at the Philadelphia car show. These tires are airless and are scheduled to be out on the market very soon. The bad news for law enforcement is that spike strips will not work on these tires.

This is what great R&D will do and just think of the impact on existing technology:

  • no more air valves
  • no more air compressors at gas stations
  • no more repair kits

These are actual pictures taken in the South Carolina plant of Michelin. It will be awhile before they are available to the automotive industry.

(All six images are pop-ups.)





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You can run...

I was driving to work the other day when I hit a pig. I was just going to drive away when I thought better of it and called the sheriff's office to tell them. The dispatcher told me, "Thanks for calling. And don't go anywhere... It's illegal to hit livestock in Illinois. That'll be a $300 fine."

So I hung up, put the car back in gear and drove off. But when I got to work there was a deputy waiting for me. He gave me a $300 ticket for hitting the pig.

When I asked how he'd found me, he said, "The pig squealed."

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August 07, 2006

Flatlife

An impressive animation at Google video that I believe won an award at Cannes.

Flatlife.jpg

The film has a site of its own.

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A surprised horse

A horse is tied up to a hitching post. A little dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. This annoys the horse and it starts pawing the ground.

The dog looks up and asks, "What are you doing that for?"

The horse looks down at the dog and says, "Well, I'll be damned... a talking dog!"

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Chinese air liner

Well, here's a switch. Our regular aviation correspondent sends a message about a new tire design. But's it's all right because Rob fills in for him with this message about maintenance practices for Chinese airlines. (All images are pop-ups.) Rob forwarded a message that read...

If you have a fear of flying then better not consider winging in a Chinese Airline. Check this out!

You retired Boeing engineers (and soon to be Air Creebec) out there do yourself proud, knowing the kind of abuse some foreign carriers give their equipment and those planes keep on flying.

For anybody who is not familiar with a jet engine, a jet fan blade should be perfectly smooth. You might want to think twice the next time you fly on a Chinese airline.

A pilot for a Chinese carrier requested permission and landed at FRA (Frankfurt, Germany) for an unscheduled refueling stop. The reason soon became apparent to the ground crew: The number 3 engine had been shutdown previously because of excessive vibration, and because it didn't look too good.

It had apparently been no problem for the tough guys back in China: they took some sturdy straps and wrapped them around two of the fan blades and the structures behind, thus stopping any unwanted windmilling (engine spinning by itself due to airflow passing thru the blades during flight) and associated uncomfortable vibration caused by the suboptimal fan.



Note that the straps are seatbelts.... how resourceful! After making the "repairs", off they went into the wild blue yonder with another revenue-making flight on only three engines! With the increased fuel consumption, they got a bit low on fuel, and just set it down at the closest airport (FRA) for a quick refill.

That's when the problems started:

The Germans, who are kind of picky about this stuff, inspected the malfunctioning engine and immediately grounded the aircraft. (Besides the seatbelts, notice the appalling condition of the fan blades.) The airline operator had to send a chunk of money to get the first engine replaced (took about 10 days).

The repair contractor decided to do some impromptu inspection work on the other engines, none of which looked all that great either. The result: a total of 3 engines were eventually changed on this plane before it was permitted to fly again.

And soon they will export their cars to America, be sure to buy one of those quality machines so you can increase the trade deficit.



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August 04, 2006

Weekend reading 18

A real (estate) moron. This person doesn't sound competent to manage his/her affairs - but read the whole post.

Ashburn, Va.: I’m so mad at my neighbor. I bought my new home here in Ashburn last summer and plan to sell it next year (after holding two years to avoid taxes) to make a nice return on my investment. The problem is my neighbor is trying to sell his house (very similar to mine) right now and he keeps lowering his asking price.


Hanging is too good for this person -- there doesn't appear to be much doubt about his guilt. (My emphasis.)
Ohio Man Claims Right To Have Sex With Boys

POSTED: 6:52 am EDT August 3, 2006
CLEVELAND -- It was probably not a defense the court had heard before.

A suburban Cleveland man accused of sexually assaulting nine disabled boys told a judge Wednesday that his apartment was a religious sanctuary where smoking marijuana and having sex with children are sacred rituals protected by civil rights laws.



They'll know where you live:
Census Bureau Adopts GPS to Find American Homes

All Things Considered, July 31, 2006 · Two-and-a-half years from now, in early 2009, the Census Bureau plans to send an army of 100,000 temporary workers down every street and dusty, dirt road in America. They will be armed with handheld GPS devices.

Robert LaMacchia, head of the Census Bureau's geography division, says they'll capture the latitude and longitude of the front door of every house, apartment and improvised shelter they find.



In local news, this surprise from Valley Park:
Valley Park joins small club with immigration law
By Stephen Deere
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
08/03/2006

It began, the mayor said, when he was at work.

The mayor, who drives a truck for a local excavation company, was listening to the radio about a month ago and heard a story about a town in Pennsylvania passing a new law. It made English the city's official language. It mandated fines for landlords who rent to illegal immigrants. It punished businesses that hire them.

Good idea, Jeffery Whitteaker remembers thinking.

So the mayor asked the Valley Park city attorney to draft a similar ordinance. The Board of Aldermen passed it unanimously. There was little debate, Whitteaker said. No one showed up to protest.

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Roboclaw

An interesting Flash game.

roboclaw.jpg

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How hot is it?

Woman Uses Dashboard To Bake Cookies

POSTED: 9:06 am EDT August 4, 2006
UPDATED: 9:16 am EDT August 4, 2006

BEDFORD, N.H. -- How hot is it? Hot enough to bake cookies in an SUV.

With a heat wave blistering much of the East, Sandi Fontaine decided to bake some cookies for her co-workers.

She put two trays of cookie dough on the dash of her Toyota Rav4. While the temperature was in the mid- to upper 90s, Fontaine said the temp inside was about 200.

She first tried dash-baking a few years ago and said anyone can do it.

A little later, her co-workers got to enjoy the benefits of Fontaine's four-wheeled culinary skills. One said, "Mrs. Fields has nothing on Sandi."

Fontaine added that baking dashboard cookies leaves her car smelling great.

Via WFTV.

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August 03, 2006

Too darn hot

This week's weather makes Too Darn Hot by Cole Porter just the thing.

This cut comes from Michel Legrand's album of Cole Porter songs called the Columbia Album of Cole Porter. It has some of the most interesting arrangements I've ever heard.

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Space Invaders

A.E. sends a link to this novel version of Space Invaders at YouTube.

SpaceInvaders.jpg

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If money really did talk

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the double sawbuck proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City... the finest restaurants in New York.... Broadway performances. And even a cruise in the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you traveled during your life?"

The single replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, to the Baptist church, to the Lutheran church..."

"Wait," the twenty-dollar bill interrupts. "What's a church?"

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New summer release

From the Sailor:
FurTraders.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM

August 02, 2006

Temporary tax

How long does a "temporary" tax last? The Spanish-American War Tax has finally ended.

Even better, you may be able to file a refund back to 2003.

Via the CFG blog.

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A sense of life

Since I know there are a least a couple of regular readers who are likely to be interested, I'm posting some links to samples from A Sense of Life, Michael Paxton's documentary about Ayn Rand's life. (The samples appear at YouTube.)

AynRand2.jpg

Even though I've read all the books she wrote (as far as I know), I never have seen this film. But my interest has been piqued.

Sample 1 - Intro
Sample 2 - Mike Wallace
Sample 3 - Conclusion

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Circle flies

An old one that passes the Corny-Enough-For-Me test - from Steve R.

A Texas cowboy gets pulled over by an Oklahoma State Trooper for speeding. The trooper starts to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and begins to throw his weight around to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper gets around to writing out the ticket. As he's doing that, he keeps swatting at some flies that are buzzing around his head.

"Y'all havin' some trouble with them circle flies?" asks the cowboy.

The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, "Well, yeah, if that's what they're called... But I never heard of 'circle flies'."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling 'round the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. A moment later he stops and asks, "Wait a minute... Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law officers to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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Last day on Earth

Dave at MacRaven sends this image with the subject line "A photo of two small children's last day on Earth." (It's a pop-up.)

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August 01, 2006

Visual Whale

Interesting article at the New York Times.


aquasonic.jpg
What do whale songs and wavelets have in common? Quite a bit, and the wavelets have nothing to do with water.

Mark Fischer found a mathematical tool to translate the subtlety and nuance of whale and dolphin sounds into these mandala-like images.

In a Northern California studio, Mark Fischer, an engineer by training, uses wavelets — a technique for processing digital signals — to transform the haunting calls of ocean mammals into movies that visually represent the songs and still images that look like electronic mandalas. (His art can be found at aguasonic.com.)

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A lesson for golfers

A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend went over and asked what was on his mind. The golfer told him, "It was terrible! On the 17th hole I sliced one out onto the highway and it went through a bus's windshield. The bus driver lost control and there was a horrible accident... he hit a car head-on and there were dead people all over."

"That's awful!" his friend said. "What did you do?"

"Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little."

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White Out

I found this fairly strange clip via a post at Samizdata.

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The Purina Diet

Rob sends this one.

I used to have a Labrador Retriever and one day I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and standing in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...

On impulse, I told her no, that I was just starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both my arms.

I told her that it was a nearly perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete. So I was going to try it again, despite the hospital stay.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was listening closely to my story, particularly a tall, black man who was standing behind the woman. Horrified by the mention of a hospital, the woman asked if I had been poisoned by the dog food.

I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought the black guy was going to stagger going out the door!

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