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August 25, 2006

St. Louis Barbies

Lou sends this humorous bit of local color.

Chesterfield Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at Chesterfield Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Florissant Barbie

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

East St. Louis Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop... then we don't know what you're talking about.

Ladue Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Granite City Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too smal and a NASCAR shirt, with a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag rear window decoration absolutely free.

Clayton Barbie

This collagen-injected, rhinoplasticized Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.

Imperial Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Arnold Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise, acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Tower Grove Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and wears Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Tower Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Ferguson Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

South County Barbie

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is 'cause he's always hunting.

Central West End Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Posted by joke du jour at August 25, 2006 06:33 PM

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Eureka / Pacific Barbie

These Barbies come as a set, complete with disguises so they can shop in each other's towns, and boxing gloves should the disguises not work.

Posted by: codewritinfool at August 26, 2006 09:49 PM

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