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November 29, 2006

Animal embryos

The first remarkable close-up pictures of animals in the womb
Last updated at 16:31pm on 22nd November 2006

An unborn elephant, tiny but perfect in every way. A dolphin swimming in the womb, just as it will have to swim in the ocean the moment it is born. An unborn dog panting.

Each one amazing and now, thanks to these remarkable pictures, they can be seen for the first time.

ElephantInVivo.jpg

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The koala's crave

Just what I know you've all been waiting for: a shaggy koala story.

Once there was a koala bear who was a big fan of performing oral sex on women. In fact, the urge was so strong in him that he saved up all his money to go to the big city and find a place to satisfy his desire, since there wasn't any action like that in the eucalyptus forest where he lived.

When he'd saved up enough money, he bought a ticket to Sydney and went looking for a knock shop. He found a nice-looking place, went in, and told the madame what he was after. The madame introduced him to Candi and explained that Candi was the local expert on oral sex.

(More to come...)

So Candi and the koala bear retired to her room, where the koala bear dived in. When he finished, he got up, put on his hat, and started out the door. "Just a minute!" cried Candi. "You owe me $100!"

The koala bear said not a word... He didn't even turn around. He just kept walking. So Candi followed him down the hall yelling at him for her money. Finally, she took him by the arm, grabbed a dictionary, and said to him, "Look here, mate, I'm a prostitute. Now I'm going to read you the definition of 'prostitute'." And she read from the dictionary: "Prostitute: a person who exchanges sexual favors for money."

The koala bear just looked at her for a moment, then took the dictionary and read an entry to her: "Koala bear: a small, furry animal that eats bushes and leaves."

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Stop action whiteboard

A very well done stop-action movie of artwork on a whiteboard.

Via DiClerico.

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Is your betty ready?

Steve R writes, "Now, I've seen everything" about this product.

PinkBetty.jpg

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November 28, 2006

A super deal

And I see there's a Lois Lane just off Lindbergh near South County mall.

Live On Lois Lane? You Get Free Pizza

POSTED: 7:21 am EST November 28, 2006

METROPOLIS, Ill. -- It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a pizza?

With "Superman Returns" about to be released on DVD, Papa John's pizza is offering a related marketing giveaway faster than a speeding bullet -- a free pizza to folks living on the nation's Lois Lanes.

Via WFTV.

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Video cage match

Chris Pirillo has a clever set of 3 videos at his site, each hosted by a different service: YouTube, Google and Revver. They're meant to be played simultaneously and in each clip, he argues for the service that's hosting it.

PirilloVideos.jpg

Via A Welsh View.

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Man's best friend

Steve F. sends this collection of quotes about canines.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

(There's more to come...)

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to Heaven and very, very few persons. - James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. - Anonymous

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November 27, 2006

Until Niagara Falls

Click for a larger version of this satellite image of Niagara Falls.

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Everything you wanted to know

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy

"You know that "look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

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Think globally, act locally?

The Return of Make Love not War: Global Orgasm for Peace.

GlobalOrgasm.jpg

See their Flash clip. It's entertaining and completely SFW.

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Platewire

Web Site Lets You Report Jerks On Road
POSTED: 9:09 am EST November 21, 2006

Get cut off by some idiot on the freeway?

Now you can avoid doing something stupid on the road in retaliation and still get a little bit even.

Two Washington, D.C.-area men have created a Web site that allows people to post the license plate numbers of bad drivers.

Mark Buckman, a northern Virginia computer consultant, told The Washington Post he's outraged by careless, rude or inattentive drivers. He's co-founder of platewire.com. Buckman said they have hundreds of messages from drivers venting over the idiots they encounter on the roads.

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November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

MooingTurkeys.jpg

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Updated fables

These appeared in the Nov 19, 1990 edition of Computerworld.

The Ant and the Grasshopper: There once was an ant and a grasshopper who were best of friends. The ant was prudent and industrious and one day decided to build himself a warm winter home. The grasshopper, however, was not concerned about the future and spent most of his time on the couch watching the Home Shopping Network.

It soon began to grow cold. The ant, who had been planning, designing and building his home for months, was all nice and cozy. Meanwhile, his long-legged friend had done nothing about the rough times ahead. But just when it looked like curtains for the grasshopper, he marched over to the ant's house, reverse-engineered the whole thing and build his own version in 20 minutes.

The ant thought this was terribly unfair but was so much smaller than the grasshopper, he really couldn't do anything about it. So the ant just sat and pouted, while the grasshopper went inside and watched The Simpsons.

Moral: It's good to be first. But it's better to be bigger.


The careful squirrel: One morning, a squirrel came upon an abandoned nest high up in a tree. "What a perfect place to store my food," thought the lucky squirrel. "But can this tiny nest support the weight of all my acorns?"

The squirrel wisely decided to test this acorn repository. He put large rocks in the nest. He even climbed into the nest and jumped up and down. Still, the nest proved acorn-worthy. Exhausted but satisfied, the squirrel gathered his stash and loaded the nest. But as he placed that last acorn atop the pile, he noticed something was wrong. The branch beneath him quivered, then gave way...and the squirrel, the nest and the acorns all fell to the ground.

Moral: No matter how much you test, it just takes one nut to screw things up.



The Three Little Pigs: Once upon a time there were three little pigs, who received an RFP from the Big Bad Wolf. But the pigs could not agree on what system to propose, so they split up, each trying to win the contract for himself.

The first little pig's system was dirt cheap; he cut corners on the chip technology. He called his system "Straw-286" and demonstrated it for the Big Bad Wolf. However, when the wolf loaded his data, it blew away Straw-286, and the first little pig was mortified.

The second little pig proposed speedy "Sticks-386," which cost a little more but was worth it. But when Sticks-386 tried to handle the wolf's connectivity requirements, it huffed, and it puffed, and it fell apart. The second little pig filed for Chapter 11.

But the third little pig was smarter and more patient. After several months, he came up with "Bricks-486," which was a high-priced, yet leading-edge solution. He proudly called the Big Bad Wolf to schedule his demo. When he did, the secretary informed him that Mr. Wolf had cash flow problems and had to settle for "Straw-286" for now but would consider upgrading in three or four years.

Moral: What it costs is more important than what it does.



Mr. Rabbit's Garden: Mr. Rabbit was tired of foraging for food. One day he decided, "Why not plant a garden? I'll grow all I need, with enough left over to make my killer gazpacho."

Mr. Rabbit sat down and carefully planned his garden. He did a needs analysis of sun and shade. He constructed a resource list of seed and tools. He built a harvest Gantt Chart. He outsourced his fertilizer requirements to the horse up the road.

After days of prepping his garden project, he selected a shady spot under a big oak tree. He planted according to his Soil Timing Study and managed his critical tasks so that, by early autumn, he had a bountiful garden.

On the scheduled morning, Mr. Rabbit put on his overalls and went to the oak tree to harvest his garden. He stood there for a moment, admiring the ripe tomatoes, abundant carrots and crisp cucumbers. But just as he bent down to pluck his first pea, he heard a horrible racket...and Mr. Rabbit looked up just in time to see this squirrel, nest and swarm of acorns fall from the sky and wreck his whole garden.

Moral: Even the best managed project can get screwed up by someone else's nuts.



The Racing Roosters: A hen was hopelessly attracted to two roosters and was having quite a time choosing between them. The pair decided to have a race, with the loser agreeing to fly the coop. As the love-struck hen breathlessly watched, her suitors lined up at the edge of a field, then off they went...each determined to be the faster fowl.

For a few seconds they ran neck and neck. But one rooster was quite a bit younger and quickly began to pull ahead. It was soon evident that the younger rooster ran much faster...so fast, in fact, that he ran right into a southbound lane of I-95 and was flattened by a Ford Taurus with Missouri plates.

Moral: Winning the benchmark is one thing; winning the contract is another.

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Card through glass illusion

Anotheramazing illusion by Cyril Takayama, the guy who did the hamburger trick among many others. This one is pretty cool.

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November 21, 2006

Pork plus Nutrasweet?

Jeff sends a link to this article about 'ecosexuals'.

In search of a nice Gaia

As if it weren't hard enough to get a date in this town, ecosexuals add another kind of green to their ideal mate's personal profile.
By Stefanie Olsen

San Francisco designer Rachel Pearson, 33, owns a successful line of children’s clothing made of organic cotton that also meets international fair-trade rules. For herself she favors clothing from thrift stores—“Not buying new,” she says, “eases the toll on the earth.” A vegetarian, she recycles religiously and loves to pamper herself with yoga and meditation.

[...]

For a while she was happily dating a film producer from Los Angeles who, she thought, was definitely on her eco-wavelength. But one morning they went out for breakfast, and Mr. Right ordered an all-meat meal and doused his coffee with several packets of Equal. “I was dumbstruck,” says Pearson. “I think I ate my entire meal in silence. Pork plus NutraSweet? That was definitely our last date.”

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Serious aerobat

Here's a clip of a guy flying a Votec 322b with wireless cameras attached to several points on the plane. This image comes from the camera on the tail.

Aerobat.jpg

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Careful what you ask for

Two guys died and appeared at the Pearly Gates. But St. Peter told them that Heaven was full and they could go back to Earth as anything they wanted until there was some room available for them. The first guy said, "I want to be the highest-flying eagle in Colorado." Poof ! The first guy was gone.

The second guy said, "I want to be a stud on a Kentucky farm." Poof! He was gone too.

A few weeks later, there were a couple of openings in Heaven and God asked St. Peter where the two guys were so He could call them back. St. Peter told Him to look for the highest flying eagle over Colorado -- that's the first guy.

But the second fellow was going to be more difficult to locate because there'd been a lot of new barns built in Kentucky lately.

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Hard-to-find toys

The Thanksgiving weekend traditionally marks the start of the shopping season for Christmas. Rob sends a message about toys that may be hard to find this season.

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toy07.jpg

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November 20, 2006

Nursery rhyme police

From ThisIsLondon.co.uk -- and you thought 'Nanny State' was just a figure of speech.

The nursery rhyme police - parents to take lessons in reading and singing

Parents could be forced to go to special classes to learn to sing their children nursery rhymes, a minister said.

Those who fail to read stories or sing to their youngsters threaten their children's future and the state must put them right, Children's Minister Beverley Hughes said.

Their children's well-being is at risk 'unless we act', she declared.

And Mrs Hughes said the state would train a new 'parenting workforce' to ensure parents who fail to do their duty with nursery rhymes are found and 'supported'.

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Cure for ADHD

"This is why no one had ADHD when I was growing up," writes Rob.

ADHDCure.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Sad story from New York

Or maybe not-so-sad, depending on your point of view.

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing his cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free. The cat became airborne, heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls and was never seen again.

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".

Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and essential community function.

Larry Lippman via RHF.

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Cute dog postscript

The More cute dogs post struck a nerve: Tim writes, "I took this a few weeks ago of son #3 and our dog. Obviously more recent than the one in the article, but certainly no less cute."

HijoyPerro.jpg

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November 17, 2006

A long and productive life

This post marks the passing of Milton Friedman, who was a remarkable fellow for many reasons.

At Hit & Run, Brian Doherty wrote:

Undoubtedly the most successful and influential proponent of libertarian thought in the 20th century, Milton Friedman, died [...] at age 94. His successes as both a technical economist and libertarian polemicist are enormous. We can thank him, in large part, for happy events from the elimination of the draft to the conquest of inflation. Just a quick note now--his impact was staggering, and there could never be enough words said in praise of him.

Update, 11/19: I've fallen behind in my blog-reading this week so I just found out that Andrew Roth has posted a great collection of links to articles and comments about Mr. Friedman at the Club For Growth blog. Start at the top (Tom Sowell Remembers Friedman - November 18th) and keep scrolling.

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More cute dogs

Here's one of fourteen Cute Dog Pix at the world-wide web home of Kalamazoo Animal Rescue:

CuteDog.jpg

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A New Orleans story

A little Nawlins humor, courtesy of Carol.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm: he threw a hand grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another one down a chimney from 50 yards -- and then he hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brought the young Afghani to the States and taught him the great game of football.

Sure enough the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghani was hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted was to call his mother. "Mom," he said to her, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleaded her son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorted. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady paused and then tearfully added, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."

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Kiwi

This clip was Dony Permedi's Master's Thesis Animation, at The School of Visual Arts in New York City. It's well done.

kiwi.jpg

Via Chris DiClerico.

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Daily dose

GetcherDailyDose.gifCourtesy of FeedBurner, you can now get your daily dose of within the crainium in HTML-formatted e-mail. FeedBurner's service sends you one (and only one) message any day there are updates to the blog. The message contains all the posts for the day, with links back to the blog.

You can find the sign-up widget in the sidebar between the Font Color and the Feedback sections. It looks like this image.

Try it -- it works pretty well and IMHO it looks better than the plain text e-mail I send now. Since FeedBurner's willing to handle this little task for me, my text messages will stop at the end of the year. If you want to keep the e-mail coming in 2007, sign up with FeedBurner.

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November 16, 2006

No naked men

Rob sends this amusing -- but definitely NSFW -- ad for men's underwear.

JBS_clip.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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You lose

How to lose The Game.

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In the sea of stones

Here's an interesting post at Timesonline.com about two sailors who discovered an island emerging in the south Pacific and blogged about it.

A yacht, sailing the Pacific, came across such a Wonder. "Early afternoon, somewhere east of the Lau Group in Fiji," wrote its captain, Fredrik Fransson. "We are sailing south of the island group to avoid having to pass through it during night. Yesterday we saw the birth of an island, most likely we were the first humans to see the new creation."
SeaOfStones.jpg

The collection of photos they took is here.

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November 14, 2006

A little Wilde

From Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid.

You are an extraordinary fellow. You never say a moral thing, and you never do a wrong thing. Your cynicism is simply a pose.

Conscience and cowardice are really the same things. Conscience is the trade name of the firm, that is all.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place. The mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything priced above its proper value.

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

His principles were out of date, but there was a good deal to be said for his prejudices.

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.

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ISS fly-by

Here's an interesting clip of the ISS, taken from a space shuttle at it flew by and set to Strauss' By the Beautiful Blue Danube.

ISSFlyby.jpg

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Not your typical blonde joke

A tip o' the hat to Steve F for this one:

A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and his friends. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to go back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated. He wakes the blonde and asks, "So? What is it that goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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November 13, 2006

Office Space Recut

A pretty humorous riff on Office Space, for all you red Swingline fans.

OfficeSpaceRecut.jpg

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Amazing

Paddy O'Shea came to the States and he got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish. They took him to an upscale "Irish" pub there.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is!" he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"Oh sure ye have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer fifteen year."

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BMW for sale

Lou sends this picture with only the subject line above - so your guess is as good as mine.

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Relax

A real groaner.

A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining he woke up screaming every night from alternate nightmares. One night he would dream he was a tepee; the next night he would dream he was a wigwam.

"Doctor, what should I do?"

"Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax... You're two tents."

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November 11, 2006

Remember those who serve

Today is Veterans' Day.


And yesterday was the 231st anniversary for the USMC. Steve R sends this nicely done PowerPoint slideshow he got from "his jarhead brother." (1.1 MB)

Marines.jpg

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November 10, 2006

Weird Al rulz!

I believe this Weird Al clip called Bob is the funniest parody I've seen.

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Limericks

Isaac Asimov claimed that the best limericks were off-color. I don't know where these came from but I think he'd have liked them. (Or maybe he wrote 'em.)

When pinched on the fanny, Monique
Succumbed to a young maiden's pique
By exclaiming with verve
To her pincher, "Some nerve!"
"And in your case," he gloated, "some cheek!"


Since a top-heavy maiden from Yonkers
Is equipped to make chest men go bonkers,
Poet Goldsmith might say,
Were he living today,
That whenever she stoops, sir, she conquers!


Three two-letter words that begin
With 'I' are a source of chagrin.
There are guys who can cry -
even wish they could die -
At that soul-searing phrase "Is it in?"


There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
Till a cynic named Boris
Simply touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Dear God

In the Kids Say The Darndest Things department, my favorite schoolmarm passed along this collection of 17 images. It came from a parent of one of her pupils -- I have no idea what its original source is.

DearGod01.jpg

DearGod02.jpg

DearGod03.jpg

DearGod04.jpg

DearGod05.jpg

DearGod06.jpg

DearGod07.jpg

DearGod08.jpg

DearGod09.jpg

DearGod10.jpg

DearGod11.jpg

DearGod12.jpg

DearGod13.jpg

DearGod14.jpg

DearGod15.jpg

DearGod16.jpg

DearGod17.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 07:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

At the butcher's

An old joke about the USSR

A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. Then she asks for chicken. None.

Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None.

The shopper leaves with nothing and the butcher turns to exclaim to his assistant, "What a terrific memory that lady has!"

From Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad by George Will.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 09, 2006

Top 100

An archive of the top 100 images from the Hubble space telescope. (I don't know whose "top 100" this is, but it is impressive.)

V838Monocerotis.jpg

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Something duct tape won't do

And I'm guessing WD-40 won't do much either.

Duct tape no magical cure for warts, study finds
POSTED: 5:47 p.m. EST, November 6, 2006

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- Duct tape does not work any better than doing nothing to cure warts in schoolchildren, Dutch researchers reported on Monday in a study that contradicts a popular theory about an easy way to get rid of the unattractive lumps.

The study of 103 children aged 4 to 12 showed the duct tape worked only slightly better than using a corn pad, a sticky cushion that does not actually touch the wart and which was considered to be a placebo.

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A new record for Guiness

Most T shirts worn at once -- at YouTube.

TshirtRecord.jpg

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A case of shingles

Lou's been on a roll lately; here's his latest.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him why he was there. Bubba said, “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, got his address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. “Shingles,” said Bubba. "Where?” asked the doctor.

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

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November 08, 2006

They're sorry

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series

The Onion

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series

ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere...

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Her Majesty indeed

An American couple was visiting an Eastern European country. While they were waiting at the border, they were talking to three soldiers who knew some English. The soldiers were trying to explain why one of the historical royal lines had died out.

The first soldier explains, "The queen, she was unbearable."

The second soldier interrupts. "No, no. Please excuse. My friend does not speak English good. The queen, she was inconceivable."

The third soldier cannot contain himself and has to say "No, no, NO! Please excuse my friends. Their English is not very well. They mean the queen, she was impregnable."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Don't bug him

Here's a funny Flash clip performing an old trick. Lou writes, "Click on this link and you will see a man. Put your cursor on his nose (and leave it there) and see what happens..."

DontBugHim.jpg

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Sorry, gotta go

"Good idea," says CodeWritinFool, talking about SorryGottaGo.com. The site has quite a collection of audio clips handy for winding up long conversations (as well a couple of Tom Mabe's Revenge on the Telemarketers clips).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 07, 2006

Sexist humor

A funny animated GIF from Carol.

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration (click for a larger image):

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved

Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Hang up and drive

Since no one was hurt, it's safe to say: Bwa-ha-ha!

Woman Crashes Car Into Pond While Arguing On Cell Phone

POSTED: 12:06 pm EST November 2, 2006
UPDATED: 8:13 am EST November 3, 2006

ORLANDO, Fla. -- A woman was arguing with her boyfriend on her cell phone while driving her car and ended up in a murky pond on Palmer Avenue near Mills Avenue, not far from downtown Orlando.

Noel Methot, 24, was driving about 50 down Palmer, allegedly arguing with her boyfriend on her cell phone. That was all distraction enough for her not to notice the road ended, the sign for Lake Haven or the actual lake.

"I was just shocked, because she almost hit my dog," said Rebecca Rementer.

CarInPond.jpg

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More sexist humor

ItsHerJob.jpg

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Election Day relief

Here's a break from the endless agonizing over which party will control the next Congress. They come via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and are excerpts from two books by Martin Higgins The Natiest Things Ever Said About Republicans and The Nastiest Things Ever Said About Democrats.

Democrats

The Democrats have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. - Dave Barry

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they'd be Republicans. - Will Rogers

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. - P.J. O'Rourke

Republicans

The Republicans would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket. - Will Rogers

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it. - P.J. O'Rourke

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November 06, 2006

Swarmbots

At YouTube.

Swarmbots.jpg

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

1968 pennies

1968penny.jpgI can't decide whether this is someone's hobby or something more along the lines of Your Last Chance To Send $1 To... The site says:

1968pennies.com invites you to be a part of the world's largest collection of 1968 pennies by donating your spare 1968 pennies to this collaborative effort. Everybody who donates 1968 pennies to 1968 pennies.com will have their name (AND number of pennies donated) added to the donor list.

WATCH IT GROW !!

CURRENT TOTAL:

6,653

(As of November 2nd, 2006)

Via Dave Barry.

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Flickrshow

A slideshow of very striking images compiled from photos at Flickr.

FlickrsBest.jpg

Via A Welsh View.

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From the computer security dictionary

Lou sends a collection of IT definitions:

24/7 - adj. The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack from hackers

Back door - A hacker's front door

Backup - A process you don't need until you don't do it

Bot - See "Zombie"

Business case - A creative writing project, the quality of which is directly proportional to your budget

Client/server - Two types of easily hacked computers

Clean desk policy - What document users admit to ignoring during your intellectual property theft investigation

Confidentiality, Integrity, and Availability - The three great myths of the Internet Age

Crackers - Hackers

Cryptography - The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to prevent you from accessing your own data while allowing easy access for the hacker

Cybercrime - Crime

Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) - See "Bot"

Downtime - Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime

E-Commerce - A historical fad from the late '90s meant to generate hundreds of billions of dollars in new profits; the inciting factor that generated hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on security products

Firewalls - Speed bumps

Hackers - Self-righteous crackers

Help desk - A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee

Identity theft - The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it

JOOTT ("jute") - adj. Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most computer problems

Laptop - A computer designed to allow employees easily to store vast amounts of customer data in the backseat of a taxicab

Mission critical - adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets

Non-repudiation - The opposite of repudiation; repudiation, only not

O.S. hardening - An attempt to secure your operating system against the next hack by closing the hole used by the previous one

Passwords - Authentication tool that, when properly implemented, drives growth at the help desk

Patching - A mandatory fool's errand

Pharming and phishing - Ways to obtain phood

PKI (Public-Key Infrastructure) - A system designed to transfer all of the complexities of strong authentication onto end users

Regression testing - The process by which you learn how the patches that fixed your system also broke your system

Road warriors - Traveling employees responsible for delivering malicious code back to headquarters

Scope creep - Stage three of the standard software development model

Upgrade - The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software

Virus - Sort of like a worm but not exactly

Worm - Similar to a virus but different

Zombie - See "Distributed Denial of Service"

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November 03, 2006

The domino effect

The Diet Coke & Mentos guys have been conducting more experiments.

MentosDominos.jpg

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The elephant's memory

The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience to equal his performances.

This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought an elephant into his act. He would drag the elephant out onto the stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do some trick, offering a financial reward in the unlikely event someone succeeded.

One day he brought out the elephant as usual and asked the crowd, "You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd nodded again. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd nodded a third time.

"But," he continued, "I'll wager that not one of you has ever seen an elephant with all four feet off the ground. Tonight, I will pay $10,000 to any one who can make this elephant jump into the air with all four feet off the ground at once!"

No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked down boldly from the back. He looked the elephant steadily in the eye, then proceeded to walk around to its hindquarters. Producing a brick in either hand, he proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the bricks.

The elephant roared in pain and jumped several feet into the air. Mephisto reluctantly paid the man, then he moved his show to another town.

A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again and was not attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his old bit of challenging the crowd. In this way, greater crowds gathered and his show was a bigger success.

He would drag out the elephant and say, "You've all seen an elephant nod... move its head up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side, have you?

"I will pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!"

No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped boldly down from the back. He again looked the elephant in the eye and asked, "Do you remember me?"

The elephant nodded.

"Do you want me to do it again?"

The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side.

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Not far to look

Rob sent this image last week with the comment, "Funniest thing I have seen all week."

RapistSearch.jpg

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Test tube organ

British scientists grow human liver in a laboratory
By FIONA MacRAE, Science Reporter
Last updated at 12:32pm on 31st October 2006

British scientists have grown the world's first artificial liver from stem cells in a breakthrough that will one day provide entire organs for transplant.

The technique that created the 'mini-liver', currently the size of a one pence piece, will be developed to create a full-size functioning liver.

[...]

The liver tissue is created from stem cells - blank cells capable of developing into different types of tissue - found in blood from the umbilical cord.

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November 02, 2006

Granny knows

A funny - and well done - comment on politics from Mary. Click for a larger image.

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Best drivers in the world

Those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City, Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear large turbans.

As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows, chickens, and people scattering in all directions.

At one point, the driver said, "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world. Do you know why?"

"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world?"

"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"

Via RHF.

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Get Nieuked

Tim Nieukirk of Washington, Illinois, is running as a write-in candidate for governor. Part of his campaign is a collection of low-budget ads (think home movies) that he's posted to YouTube. Some of them are fairly amusing. You can find these clips at his site (linked above).

GetNieuked.jpg

The Peoria Journal Star ran this article about Mr. Nieukirk on Oct. 31:
Washington man an unlikely write-in hopeful for governor
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
By CHRISTOPHER WILLS of The Associated Press

SPRINGFIELD - Most politicians like to play it safe. Not Tim Nieukirk.

He'll blindside firefighters rushing to save cats caught in a tree. He won't climb into bed with special interests, but he will with your sister. And he goes after a breed of criminal that most politicians prefer to ignore - the Hamburglar.

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Bad cop! No doughnut!

Police Chief Ousted For Urging 'Jelly Belly' Officers To Shape Up
POSTED: 2:54 pm EST November 1, 2006

WINTER HAVEN, Fla. -- Police Chief Paul Goward was tired of looking around his department and seeing blubber hanging over the belts of some of his officers. So he sent out a memo exhorting the "jelly bellies" to shape up.

In the end, the department lost 190 pounds -- all of them belonging to Goward. He was forced out as chief because some of his officers took offense at the memo.

Via WFTV.

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November 01, 2006

Lava or lightning?

A striking image from Payson, Arizona, with many others at Zullo Photos' site.

LightningOrLava.jpg

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But he was fast

News from New Zealand via Jeff

Forzie.jpgExtra anus kills four-legged chick
25 October 2006
By YVONNE TAHANA

Forzie the four-legged chicken will cluck no more.

The Te Uku-bred Barnevelder chick - hatched at Marlene Dickey's property at the start of last month - has died.

But it wasn't the extra legs that led to its death, more likely an extra anus, Mrs Dickey believes.

"He developed two bottoms and I think he got glugged up," she said.

While she was surprised by Forzie's death - he weighed a "good pound of butter" and was gaining feathers slowly - it was not totally unexpected, she said.

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The ultimate in togetherness

J.R. sends this spoof from Saturday Night Live:

LoveToilet.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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The blind clerk

Here's a fitting follow-up to the Japanese video, courtesy of Steve

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and takes it over to the sales counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe this, but she drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 pound test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounded like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then she realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

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