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December 31, 2006

Happy New Year

I think women get more excited about New Year¹s Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year¹s Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don¹t keep. You see, men do that all the time. It¹s called dating.

- Jay Leno

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Snowball madness

A Flash game for winter.

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Fire-starting flashlight

From Extreme Geek, this "overclocked" flashlight.

No, this isn't your average MagLight - although it was built from some MagLight parts. Instead, it is indeed a very high powered flashlight, capable of lighting things on fire, roasting marshmallows, or blinding your would-be attacker.
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Video here.

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December 29, 2006

Snakes alive

From Pakistan's Daily Times.

SnakeManu.jpg
Chennai: Manoharan, known as Snake Manu, 30, practises with two brown tree snakes by running them through his nose and mouth. He is awaiting a sponsor for a chance to make a performance for the Guiness Book jury. AP

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Making breakfast

A woman was frying eggs for her husband's breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said. "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many!

"Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick!

"Careful... I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Scary Mary

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December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas to all

It's officially Christmas now in this part of the world and I've been listening to Christmas with Chet Atkins while I wait for my in-laws to roll in from Santa Barbara and Tucson - by way of Atlanta. (I hope they're not paying the airline by the mile.)

Here's what is probably the mellowest version of Winter Wonderland that I've ever heard, recorded by Chet in 1961. Merry Christmas!

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December 22, 2006

Christmas dinner

This funny animation (which looks like it started out in PowerPoint) comes from Carol.

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Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Merry Christmas from Susette Kelo

Via the Reason blog:

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Here is my house that you did take
From me to you, this spell I make
Your houses, your homes
Your family, your friends
May they live in misery
That never ends.
I curse you all
May you rot in hell
To each of you
I send this spell
For the rest of your lives
I wish you ill
I send this now By the power of will

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Pray for coal

The 10 most dangerous toys of all time at RadarMagazine.
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Winter funnies

8 funny cartoons courtesy of A.E.

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December 18, 2006

Exhume Goldwater?

I know he said, "Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice" but this might be a little extreme even for Barry.

One of the commenters at the site wrote, "Don’t stop there. Exhume Thomas Jefferson!"

ExhumeGoldwater08.jpg

This seems particularly timely, given the news about Bob Barr and the Libertarian Party, which left Dave pretty miffed.

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How to shoot an arrow

There's a reason this looks like a young lady standing on her hands and shooting a bow with her feet.

HowToShoot.jpg

Video below the fold. (H.T. to Steve R.)

[WMV format. Save.]

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How to pay a compliment

One day a man was reading Sports Illustrated when he came across another article about some large, dull-looking, muscle-bound athlete who had a fantastically beautiful wife.

Having read one too many of this type of article, he asked to his wife, "Why in the world do the biggest, ugliest, stupidest-looking men always end up with the most beautiful women?!"

His wife replied with a smile, "Why, thank you, dear. That's very nice."

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December 15, 2006

A wooden mirror

This site features Daniel Rozin's interactive art, including his mechanical mirrors. Check it out.

WoodenMirrorMuseum.jpg

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2006 in review

JibJab's Year in Review - 2006.

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December 13, 2006

Which was to the Egress?

After a meeting at a bar, the couple returned to the woman's apartment for a nightcap. Before long, things turned passionate and the pair headed for the bedroom, clothes flying as they went.

Ten minutes later, the women suddenly sat straight up in bed. "Oh, my God!" she cried. "My husband's coming in the door!"

"Shit," the fellow exclaimed, desperately trying to find his trousers. "Where's the back door ?"

"There is no back door," the woman replied.

"Well," he asked, "where would you like one ?"

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December 12, 2006

The Fruitcake Lady

Here's a clip from the Tonight Show of the Fruitcake Lady (Marie Rudisill) who passed away early last month, bless her salty old soul. (There's a brief biography at the link.)

FruitcakeLady.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Nothing to hide?

Susan Hallowell, the director of the Transportation Security Administration's security laboratory, allows her body to be X-rayed by the "backscatter" machine at the Transportation Security Administration in Egg Harbor Township, N.J., Wednesday, June 25, 2003. Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix Arizona will test the new federal screening system that takes X-rays of passenger's bodies to detect concealed explosives and other weapons. The technology, called backscatter, has been around for several years but has not been widely used in the U.S. as an anti-terrorism tool because of privacy concerns.
HallowellXray.jpg

H.T. Althouse.

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December 11, 2006

Random pix

Steve F sends this collection of 10 funny images.

BadIdea.jpg
Bad judgment

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Built-in airbags

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What a shot!

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Desperate housewives

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That's gonna hurt

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Hard at work...

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Loud enough? (How to screw up an RX-8...)

PileUp.jpg
Don't tailgate!

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Sad cat (how crazy do you have to be to get into a shower with a cat?)

Whoops.jpg
Bummer, man...

Posted by joke du jour at 07:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Cheers!

Steve R sends this Budweiser ad with the comment: "A World Series ad (I just can't get enough of these this year)."

CheersToTheChamps.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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December 10, 2006

Bad Santa

Very bad Santa... (And bad me; I forgot who sent this one.)

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa

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Quantum time travel

"Watch the whole thing," says CodeWritinFool. "This has to be a joke."

TimeTravel.jpg

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Compiler errors

Pretty hilarious - if you're geeky.

When I was a T.A., a student came to me wondering why his Pascal program wouldn't print anything. I compiled it and ran it myself, and sure enough, no output. I looked through the program, and the WRITELNs were there. This became a problem I had to solve. I added some of my own, and still, nothing was written to the screen.

After about 15 minutes of careful examination, I noticed that the entire program had been commented out. This guy was compiling a comment.

I pointed this out to him, but he said to me, "Yeah, but I had to do that. It was the only way to get rid of all of the errors."

Pete Hickey via rec.humor.funny

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Clever marketing

J.R. sends 11 images of clever marketing and packaging:

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December 07, 2006

The secret of DNA

Here's an old one from rec.humor.funny that I've always enjoyed. "How old?" you might ask. Old enough that it will probably be new to many, I'll guess. Unfortunately, I don't know who wrote it.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:


===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/

/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/

/* Standard definitions
*/

#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/

#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"

#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===

...and so on.

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Keep looking up

An interesting video clip by Tony Darnell (sponsored by ESA/NASA) about the Ultra Deep field image taken by the Hubble Space telescope in 2003.

Think Pale Blue Dot.

HubbleDeepField.jpg

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Flickr Time

Another clever Flickr-based page, a photo-mosaic clock done in Flash.

FlickrTime.jpg

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December 06, 2006

Bubble magic

A guy named Tom Noddy does some impressive tricks with soap bubbles in this clip.

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This old house

Here's an interesting collection of photos that were taken by house inspectors, collected in a PowerPoint slideshow. There are some pretty excellent examples of FUBAR home repairs in this collection.

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How To Booby Trap A Laundry Room

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Time to butt out

Brewer: Butt out and let us sell Santa beer
Maine said label would appeal to children, orders bottle pulled from shelves
Updated: 7:29 p.m. CT Dec 1, 2006

PORTLAND, Maine - A beer distributor says Maine is being a Scrooge by barring it from selling a beer with a label depicting Santa Claus enjoying a pint of brew.

In a complaint filed in U.S. District, Shelton Brothers accuses the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement of censorship for denying applications for labels for Santa's Butt Winter Porter and two other beers it wants to sell in Maine.

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Via Best of the Web Today (12/04), where Taranto's title was As Addictive as Crack.

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The rabbi's choice

A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails.

"Yes," the rabbi said, "I'd like a Manhattan, please."

"No, thank you," the priest said. Turning to explain to his seatmate, he said, "As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."

"Wait a second," the rabbi said, standing and waving at the flight attendant. "I didn't know I had a choice."

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December 05, 2006

Bike tricks

A clip of some impressive bike tricks.

TartyBike.jpg

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Juiced mayo

The folks at Nike are marketing a new golf ball they call Juice. They've put up several slo-mo clips at their site of this new ball being fired at different objects. As in this image of what happens when one of the balls hits a jar of mayo...

JuicedMayo.jpg

Via CFG blog.

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Now that's a good chair

La-Z-Boy Saves Man From Wife's Bullet

POSTED: 2:29 pm EST November 22, 2006

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. -- No wonder men seem to like their comfy chairs.

Norman Kamp, 57, has a good reason to stay in his La-Z-Boy chair. It may have saved his life.

Authorities in Northern California report Kamp's wife tried to shoot him in the head, by firing through the back of his easy chair. But the sturdy recliner absorbed most of the bullet's impact and left Kamp virtually unscathed.

Via WFTV.

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Bug zapper

Carol sends this amusing ad from Ameriquest. They're the outfit that ran the Who's Your Daddy ad, which was equally funny.

FlyZapper.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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It's all relative

A suburban woman and three of her friends were playing bridge one evening. When the hostess' husband came into the room and announced he was going to bed, she unzipped his fly, took out his Johnson, kissed it and told him good night.

The other three women were dumb-struck; a long silence followed the husband's departure. Finally, one of the women said, "Helen! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

"You wouldn't think it was so disgusting," replied the hostess, "if you'd ever smelled his breath."

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December 04, 2006

Post It Motion

A clever stop-action video clip from Argentina of figures made with Post It notes.

PostItMotion.jpg

Via A Welsh View.

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Does it bounce?

CHICAGO -- A rubber band ball is pushed to a scale for a weigh-in before its certification by officials from Guinness World records as the world's largest. The ball, weighing 4,594 pounds, was created by Steve Milton, of Eugene, Ore., using more than 175,000 rubber bands. (11/22/06 AP photo)

Via WFTV.

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Glass wings

Steve R. forwarded a couple of images of glasswing butterflies, which led me to a set of 10 at Hemmy.net.

Glasswing.jpg

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IANACPA...

but I think this tax advice from Steve F is the straight dope. I believe it's related to the repeal of the Spanish-American War Tax I posted about last August.

A special one-time tax credit on your 2006 tax return

When it comes time to prepare and file your 2006 tax return, make sure you don't overlook the federal excise tax refund credit. You claim the credit on line 71 of your form 1040. A similar line will be available if you file the short form 1040A. If you have family or friends who no longer file a tax return AND they have their own land phone in their home and have been paying a phone bill for years, make sure they know about this form 1040EZ-T.

What is this all about? Well the federal excise tax has been charge to you on your phone bill for years. It is an old tax that was assessed on your toll calls based on how far the call was being made and how much time you talked on that call. When phone companies began to offer flat fee phone service, challenges to the excise tax ended up in federal courts in several districts of the country.

The challenges pointed out that flat fee/rate phone service had nothing to do with the distance and the length of the phone call. Therefore, the excise tax should/could not be assessed.

The IRS has now conceded this argument. Phone companies have been given notice to stop assessing the federal excise tax as of August 30, 2006. You will most likely see the tax on your September cutoff statement, but it should NOT be on your October bill.

But the challengers of the old law also demanded restitution. So the IRS has announced that a one time credit will be available when you and I file our 2006 tax return as I explained above. However, the IRS also established limits on how BIG a credit you can get. Here's how it works.

If you file your return as a single person with just you as a dependent, you get to claim a $30 credit on line 71 of your 1040.

If you file with a child or a parent as your dependent, you claim $40.

If you file your return as a married couple with no children ,you claim $40.

If you file as married with children, you claim $50 if one child, $60 if two children.

In all cases, the most you get to claim is $60 - UNLESS you have all your phone bills starting AFTER Feb 28, 2003 through July 31, 2006 (do not use any bills starting Aug 1, 2006.), then you can add up the ACTUAL TAX AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BILLS AND CLAIM THAT FOR A CREDIT.

Now if you have your actual phone bills and come up with an ACTUAL TAX AMOUNT, you cannot use line 71 on your tax return. You have to complete a special form number 8913 and attach it to your tax return.

Individuals using the special from 1040EZ-T will have to attach this form 8913 also.

One final point - this credit is a refundable credit. That means you get this money, no matter how your tax return works out. If you would end up owing the IRS a balance, the refund will reduce that balance you owe.

If you end up getting a refund, the credit will be added and you get a bigger refund by that $30 to $60, depending on how many dependents are on your return.

Feel free to pass this on or make copies for family and friends who don't have computers.

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December 03, 2006

No political correctness here

Jeff sends a link to one of Dennis Miller's Real Free Speech segments. In this one, Mr. Miller offers some advice for the 6 imams who were removed from a US Airways flight at the Minneapolis airport recently.

Miller6Imams.jpg

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Good stuff

CodeWritinFool, who's at loose ends these days having finished his BackupStream project, sends this link to Scott Hanselman's Computer Zen site with the comment, "Some good stuff here."

It's a page of links for Scott's favorite desktop widgets and development tools -- very focussed on Windows & .Net.

And, speaking of the Evil Empire, some fairly recent items at Microsoft's TechNet site (via WServerNews) that have apparently come out of Microsoft's acquistion of SysInternals.

The famous BSOD screensaver

One of the most feared colors in the NT world is blue. The infamous Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) will pop up on an NT system whenever something has gone terribly wrong. Bluescreen is a screen saver that not only authentically mimics a BSOD, but will simulate startup screens seen during a system boot.

Here's a link to a new version of Process Monitor.

Saving the best for last, the SysInternals Suite:

The entire set of Sysinternals Utilities have been rolled up into a single Suite of tools. This file contains all the individual tools and help files.

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December 01, 2006

The 1st of December

December1.jpg
Now the first of December was covered with snow
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston.
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go.

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TANSTAAFL

I will guess that many people haven't heard about the Free State Project. But for those who have, there's a pretty funny (self?) parody of it called the Free Lunch Project.

Via Cato @ Liberty.

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Honesty

JR sends this clip about getting married. A little dark for my taste, but I'm sure many will find it amusing.

Honesty.jpg

Video below the fold.

[WMV format. Save.]

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Farmers' lies

Q: What're the three biggest lies that farmers tell?

1: I get up at 4:30 every morning.

2: I work hard all day long.

3: I was just helping that ewe over the fence.

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