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March 08, 2007

Thanks a lot

This one's a little dated, but still pretty funny.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past twelve months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.

- Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times before getting to the actual message.

- Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cuz I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

- Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve hamburgers in a few hours.

- I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

- I no longer check the coin return on payphones because I could be pricked by a needle infected with AIDS.

- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

- I no longer receive packages from or send packages by UPS or FedEx as they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number from which I will receive a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

- I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

- I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change when I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

- I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

- I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time).

- I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their email program.

- I can no longer use my credit card in a public place cuz someone with a camera will get the number and charge all kinds of wild things on my credit card.

- I no longer drink beer cuz I need it to wash my hair to make it shiny and lustrous.

- I now walk around with Bounty Sheets sticking out of my ears to keep the mosquitoes away.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor:

If you don't e-mail this to at least 144,000 people in the next seven minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in law's second husband's cousin's beautician and now she has the avian bird flu.

Posted by joke du jour at March 8, 2007 07:01 PM

« A little L'eau du Robinet, madame? | Main | More cute animal action - IV »

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