December 04, 2012

Don't text in class

texting-in-class.jpg
Source

Evidently the teacher hasn't heard this one from the a capella group Da Vinci's Notebook. Definitely NSFW.

[MP3 format.]

Posted by joke du jour at 05:40 PM

August 01, 2010

I been workin' on land

The Guess Who doing Runnin' Back to Saskatoon:

And, in that vein, here's a video I ran across at Coyote's

Posted by joke du jour at 08:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 15, 2010

This one's for you, Mr. X24 5055

This nicely done C&W-style musical insult applies very well to the clown driving a maroon Toyota on I-55 near Collinsville, Illinois last evening a little after 9 PM. He cut us off hard when the road narrowed to a single lane.

This bozo's Illinois plate number is X24 5055. If anyone knows him, be sure to pass along my regards. (Caution: NSFW.)

The I-95 Song, by August Campbell and the Spur of the Moment band.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:01 PM

April 06, 2010

These folks need a backhoe just for the red tape

These days I think Monty Python was a reality show. (A 'JCB' looks like this.)

Council ordered JCB and four men to remove mattress
Council officials said they could not remove a mattress dumped on an embankment after claiming they needed four men and a JCB to do the job. Householders in Little Lever, near Bolton, Greater Manchester, had assumed that the mattress would be promptly removed by one or two workers after it was reported to the local authority.

But they had failed to take into account the health and safety requirements of Bolton Metropolitan Council.

An official was duly dispatched to the scene to carry out a risk assessment.

He decided that the only safe way to shift the mattress was to scoop it up in a 1.7 ton JCB digger – an operation that would require the services of a driver, a banksman to guide him, and two officials to make sure it was done properly.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 01, 2010

Prank call gone wrong

This NSFW clip has been sitting in the queue for almost 5 years. So it's hardly new - but it's still pretty funny.

[MP3 format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:42 PM

July 21, 2009

Another clip to listen to

Danilo writes (in response to the Listen to the rhythm post, I believe):

This is kinda old, but here it goes - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDTlvagjJA

It's the virtual barbershop. You have to follow simple steps to work perfectly:

1. Go to a place with no sound, or turn off everything that maybe break the silence;
2. Use headphones, speakers won't be the same;
3. Close your eyes and try to imagine the scene.

It's very cool!


Posted by joke du jour at 07:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 19, 2009

The grocery list

Carol sends this audio clip from Jeanne Robertson's humor CD Southern Style. I found it pretty amusing but ymmv.

Posted by joke du jour at 05:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 15, 2008

More latte art

The Wall Street Journal and I are both a few months behind on this one. Be sure to check out the video.

Foam Sweet Foam: 'Latte Art' Heats Up in Home Kitchens

By CARI TUNA
August 14, 2008; Page A1

For the past eight months, Wayne Mathias has been perfecting his pour.

Every morning, the 47-year-old San Francisco legal-records analyst makes a cup of espresso, froths some milk and then decants it into the cup with a rhythmical flicking motion. When all goes well, the delicate white swirls form a heart or a fernlike leaf called a "rosetta." Sometimes he gets a formless blob instead.


Posted by joke du jour at 06:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 28, 2008

Dmitri the stud

I came across this in a post at The Sherman Foundation and thought it was too funny not to pass along. If this is legit, then Dmitri must be a real piece o' work.

This is going around via the following email about "Dimitri the stud":

Okay guys here is the info on this voicemail. One of my friend's from work and her friend were out one night in the SF Marina district and were hanging outside of the bars trying to find a cab. One of the girl's, Olga ends up meeting this guy Dmitri and they talk for at the most 2 minutes. She hands him her business card and says call me.

Well attached is the actual voicemail that this guy left her. Wait till you hear it you will be laughing so hard you'll fall out of your chair.





Update: Evidently 'Dmitri' is quite a piece of work; he seems to be a Toronto physician who lost his license for sexual assaults on his patients. For details, follow the links in Oliver's comment.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:55 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 26, 2008

Lake Shore Drive

Here's another great shot of Chicago at night. Andrew Roth writes at the Club for Growth blog, "If Al Gore saw this picture, he would probably let out a frustrated moan. When I saw it, I said, 'God bless capitalism.'"

ChicagoAtNight_2.jpg

And when I saw it, I was reminded of this old song about Lake Shore Drive.

Posted by joke du jour at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 19, 2007

At the tuv shop

CodeWritinFool sends this amusing audio clip.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 10, 2007

Deja vu, all over again

August, 2006 reprise.

Posted by joke du jour at 09:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas to all

It's officially Christmas now in this part of the world and I've been listening to Christmas with Chet Atkins while I wait for my in-laws to roll in from Santa Barbara and Tucson - by way of Atlanta. (I hope they're not paying the airline by the mile.)

Here's what is probably the mellowest version of Winter Wonderland that I've ever heard, recorded by Chet in 1961. Merry Christmas!

Posted by joke du jour at 12:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 08, 2006

Sorry, gotta go

"Good idea," says CodeWritinFool, talking about SorryGottaGo.com. The site has quite a collection of audio clips handy for winding up long conversations (as well a couple of Tom Mabe's Revenge on the Telemarketers clips).

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 17, 2006

A telemarketer's nightmare

Rob sends this clip from the Bob & Tom show with the extremely apt comment: "Too funny."

Posted by joke du jour at 06:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 15, 2006

Lost like summer wages

The last of the the summer-themed tunes is Ian Tyson's rather melancholy song Summer Wages. (Mr. Tyson was half of the Ian and Sylvia duo.)

This cover is from Tony Rice's Native American album.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 03, 2006

Too darn hot

This week's weather makes Too Darn Hot by Cole Porter just the thing.

This cut comes from Michel Legrand's album of Cole Porter songs called the Columbia Album of Cole Porter. It has some of the most interesting arrangements I've ever heard.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 17, 2006

DJ Ted's techno tubes

CodeWritinFool sent me a link to this techno mash-up of Senator Ted Stevens' (AK) famous speech about the Internet (that I mentioned in passing at the start of the month). Money quote:

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

This clip appears to have been done by Paul Holcomb at boldheaded.com and you can read his post and download the MP3 there.

Since the MP3 was freely available, you can listen to it below. It's very well done and pretty amusing.

Posted by joke du jour at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 01, 2006

Let the string go

Another in my series of summer-themed tunes, this one's called Sailin' the Wind and it comes from Full Sail, a Loggins & Messina album.

Enjoy the weekend.

Posted by joke du jour at 12:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 16, 2006

Only two things that money can't buy

Only two things that money can't buy
And that's true love and homegrown tomatoes

Continuing last week's seasonal music theme, this tune comes from Guy Clark's album Keepers.

Posted by joke du jour at 07:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 09, 2006

One of these mornings

One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings and you'll take the sky

A little seasonal music from the late, great song bird Sarah Vaughan, on an early album called The George Gershwin Songbook (Vol II).

Posted by joke du jour at 07:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 14, 2006

Same old song...

with Junior Parker doing the honors this year (courtesy of Soul Sides).

H.T. to The Club for Growth blog.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 24, 2006

Another funny answering machine

Carol sends this MP3 version of an old joke. It's the answering machine at the Mental Health Hotline.

MP3 form. Save.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 30, 2005

Best wishes for 2006

Happy New Year

Doing the honors on the audio below the fold is Doug Robinson, who very kindly published his laid-back rendition of Auld Lang Syne on the web.

I thought you'd like this better than the bagpipe version.

Posted by joke du jour at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas to All

The audio clip you'll find below the line isn't a Christmas carol. But it's one of my favorite pieces of religiously-inspired music and is a great piece for this time of year.

It's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring by Johann Schop, as arranged by J.S. Bach and as played by Leo Kottke on one of his mighty guitars.

It's a beautiful composition regardless of your faith - or lack of one.

Merry Christmas!

ChristmasStar.gif

Due to travel, blogging will be light for the next couple of days. (Unlike Andy Roth, tho', I'm taking my Windows PC with me. Have laptop, will travel is the motto of the firm.)

Posted by joke du jour at 06:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 20, 2005

The knack

Erik sends a funny audio clip and writes, "This goes way back. I do not know the source. It never fails to lift my spirits."

[Save]

Posted by joke du jour at 04:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 19, 2005

Where to spend Hannukah

You don't hear much about Tom Lehrer now, but at one time he was widely known for his humor. He's probably best known for his song Poisoning Pigeons in the Park (1959).

The clip below the fold is a lesser-known tune called Hannukah in Santa Monica and it's about where Tom spends the Jewish Holy Days. I don't know when this song was recorded.

[Save]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 17, 2005

Twisted carol

This is an amusing parody of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen. It evidently comes from Bob Rivers' collection of Twisted Tunes.

Audio below the fold.

[Save]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:04 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 08, 2005

More answering machine humor

I found this Marine Corps answering machine clip on a forum where someone had posted a link to the police answering machine post that appeared here last April.

They're very similar, but this one's even funnier than the police deparment one. It slams lots o' folks: the US Army, the US Navy, the US Air Force, and the US Congress.

Audio below the fold.

[Save MP3 (2 MB)]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 22, 2005

Funniest phone prank ever

says Chris DiClerico on his site, where I found this.

[MP3 format. Save.]

Posted by joke du jour at 07:33 PM | Comments (1)

May 04, 2005

For all you Cinco-de-Mayons

Here's a little timely advice.

Save

Posted by joke du jour at 07:56 PM

April 21, 2005

Answering machine

at the police department. The officers don't sound too happy...

Posted by joke du jour at 07:30 PM

April 14, 2005

Same old song...

and SRV does the honors this year:

Posted by joke du jour at 08:04 PM

April 12, 2005

TSA theme song

Our contributor writes:

The attached song comes from the Bar and Grill Singers a group of practicing attorneys out of Austin Texas who sing parodies, particularly lampooning their own profession.

This one lampoons the TSA, however, and does a good job of it.

Update: someone put a video up on YouTube, so let's use that.

[My favorite title from this group's collection is The Jury Sleeps Upright.]

Posted by joke du jour at 09:06 PM

April 07, 2005

One for the troops

This one's for the folks in the armed services (men and women both) serving away from home.

It's a nice vocal/acoustic guitar number called The Same Man. I believe it was recorded by Rachel Loy.

Posted by joke du jour at 08:08 PM

March 31, 2005

Protect me from the wrong cheeseburger

A woman in California calls 911 because Burger King won't sell her the type of cheeseburger she wants...

[911 Tape MP3 format. Save.]

Transcript follows (lifted from Best of the Web Today).

Dispatcher: Sheriff's department, how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, I'm over here at Burger King, right here in San Clemente-

Dispatcher: Mm-hmm.

Caller: -um, no, not San Clemente, I'm sorry. Um, I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel, I think that's where I'm at.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I'm at a drive-thru right now.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside, and I understand they're busy. They're not even busy, OK, I've been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbecue Burger. OK, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I am not leaving.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: I want a Western Burger. Because I just got my kids from tae kwon do; they're hungry. I'm on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Caller: OK, she gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said four times, I said, "I want it." She goes, "Can you go out and park in front?" I said, "No. I want my hamburger right." So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is--she came up and she said, um, "Did you want your money back?" And I said, "No. I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on the toll freeway [sic]." I said, "I am not leaving this spot," and I said I will call the police, because I want my Western Burger done right. Now is that so hard?

Dispatcher: OK, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

Caller: Send an officer down here. I want them to make me the right-

Dispatcher: Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Caller: What am I supposed to do?

Dispatcher: This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal there.

Caller: So I just stand here--so I just sit here and block-

Dispatcher: You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

Caller: She did come up, and I said, "Can I please have my Western Burger?" She said, "I'm not dealing with it," and she walked away. Because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of suds, and they don't want to go through there, and-

Dispatcher: Ma'am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

Caller: Well, that is, that--you're supposed to be here to protect me.

Dispatcher: Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?

Caller: No. It's-

Dispatcher: Is this like, is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.

Caller: Well, just come down here! I'm not leaving!

Dispatcher: No, ma'am, I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger! You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back or go home.

Caller: I do not need to go. She is not acting like an adult herself. I'm sitting here in my car. I just want them to make my kid a Western Burger [unintelligible].

Dispatcher: Now this is what I suggest: I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.

Caller: OK.

Dispatcher: OK? Bye-bye.

Caller: No-

[click]

Posted by joke du jour at 06:06 PM

March 04, 2005

Don't mess with Texas

...especially if the Texans are women.



Save

Posted by joke du jour at 07:34 PM

December 27, 2004

Computer go bung

A friend of mine did this with a friend of his.



Save

The lyrics:

Computer Go Bung

Dave Ryder / Paul Becker
http://www.daveryder.com

Rasta man 2: Hey mon, that's nice new system you got there.
Rasta man 1: Yeah, its ok. Sometimes it not so good.
Rasta man 2: Why not, mon?
Rasta man 1: Well

First you got to hook it up
then you boot it up
Windows not comin' up
Computer Go Bung!

Now here come a pop up
Got to clean it up,
Cat get on the keyboard
Computer Go Bung!

Got to diagnose it
try to detect it
Time to disinfect it
Computer Go Bung!

Gotta reload Windows
and get all of those
silly little updates
Computer Go Bung!

Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, Computer Go Bung!

Rasta Man 2: I hear ya, mon. Did you try safe mode?
Rasta Man 1: I tried it, I got a

Fatal exception
software deception
messed up my reception
Computer Go Bung!

Hard drive quit a spinning
I cannot winning
patience is a thinning
Computer Go Bung!

Modem droppin' carrier
now it gettin' scarier
it drop me like a Harrier
Computer Go Bung!

Cause I was on ebay
checkin auction every day
then I lost it anyway
Computer Go Bung!

Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, bitty bung bung.
Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, Computer Go Bung!.

Rasta Man 2: You need Miss Cleo, dude. She can help.
Rasta Man 1: I can't take much more of this, monnnnn.

I got to sit down
I got to calm down
foot unplug the keyboard
Computer Go Bung!

Now we outta memory
problem with the parity
now I losing sanity
Computer Go Bung!

Got to wipe the hard drive clean
Make it a new scene
Then you get a bluescreen
Computer Go Bung!

Got another 404
I can't take it anymore
gonna kick it out the door
Computer Go Bung!

Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, bitty bung bung.
Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, Computer Go Bung!.

Rasta Man 2: Did you try mailing tech support?
Rasta Man 1: Yeah, mon, what you think, I stupid?

(Typing....)

Now my email getting spam
and I not talking ham
printer got a paper jam
Computer Go Bung!

Try to burn a CD
hook up on the USB
but it want a DVD
Computer Go Bung!

Try to download reggae song
but something go wrong
going to jail so long
Computer Go Bung!

Cannot read the restore disc
Its got me in a fix
gonna give the system kicks
Computer Go Bung!

Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, bitty bung bung.
Bung Bung bitty bung bitty bung bung
bitty bung a bung a bung, Computer Go Bung!.

Rasta Man 2: You're gettin' a Dell, mon! (during fadeout)

Posted by joke du jour at 10:39 AM