December 17, 2013
Don't be hasty
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him to find out where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago - the one where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford? And I told you that I would get it for you one day."
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next door to it."
H.T. Jeff G
August 30, 2013
Wait for it
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing and watching an street juggler. The juggler notices that these people have a poor view of his performance, so he steps up onto a large wooden box.
"Can you see me now?" he asks them.
February 02, 2013
Ever raised a 3 year old?
The first 5 of Jason Good's 46 Reasons My Three Year Old Might be Freaking Out
Some of these are total guesses. Educated guesses, but guesses nonetheless. Seems like it’s hard being a kid.
His sock is on wrong.
His lip tastes salty.
His shirt has a tag on it.
The car seat is weird.
He’s hungry, but can’t remember the word “hungry.”
January 03, 2013
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends your opponent says, "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods:
"I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
H.T. Tucson John
November 27, 2012
H.T. Tucson John
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
LSU Coach Les miles is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week.
The other half will be dressing themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Virginia Tech linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player's life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
November 01, 2012
The best policy?
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
May 29, 2012
A quick thinker
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm with a large pond on it. The pond was well shaped for swimming, and he'd fixed it up nice with picnic tables and barbecue pits, and he'd planted some trees for shade.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look for frogs, as he hadn’t been gigging for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to carry the frogs in.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When he made the women aware of his presence, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We’re not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I’m just here to feed the alligator."
Via Bits & Pieces
May 18, 2012
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. So the priest paid a visit to Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic too.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended his first Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Bubba, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved... until the next Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood again.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. He rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, but he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba clutching a small bottle of holy water which he was carefully sprinkling over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer and raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
May 15, 2012
An etiquette lesson
Have you ever felt like strangling one of those loud-mouthed cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or other place and then shares their private call with you?
Here’s a solution provided by a commuter on how to combat this display of bad manners.
After a very busy day, this woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric. I’m on the train... Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30 but I had a long meeting... No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss... No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life... Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart..." and so forth.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. So our resourceful commuter - obviously angered by his continuous conversation - yelled at the top of her voice, ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Via Bits & Pieces
May 01, 2012
Drinking & driving
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from certain social occasions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott and I had a few too many beers as well as some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but since it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident - which was quite a surprise because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
H.T. Tucson John
April 05, 2012
A toast to his wife
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life / Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. When he got home he told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Did ye now? And what was the toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life / Sitting in church with me wife."
"Ah, that's very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled knowingly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast to you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me. And I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and the other time he fell asleep."
February 02, 2012
A funny story from Tucson John (who's an engineer)
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the toothpaste inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen so precisely that every single unit coming out is perfect 100%. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get upset and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important this was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, for which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process. Budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution delivered on time, within budget, and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it then press a button to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI of the project -- amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were even gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!," he thought, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turned out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. But it should've been picking up at least a dozen a day. So maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it and, after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt contained toothpaste.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales had been installed. A few feet before the scales, there was a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.
"What's that?" the CEO asked some people working on the line.
"Oh, that," says one of the workers. "Well, Bubba put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
November 22, 2011
I don't know where this came from.
1. Most of the audience either has a Ph.D. or is about to get one.
2. It is extremely hard to get a doctorate without finishing college.
3. Colleges rarely accept students without high school diplomas.
4. Before graduating from high school it is necessary to pass the third grade.
5. Passing the third grade requires being able to read.
6. Therefore, almost all of your audience knows how to read.
7. That makes it completely unnecessary - not to say outrageously annoying - to read your f*cking slides out loud. Slides should complement, not duplicate, your verbal presentation.
H.T. Jeff G.
October 25, 2011
Jeff G forwarded an amusing message about this; googling turned up a longer version at Monty Pelerin's World. These are the first 5 of his list of 182.
One of the more popular posts I put up was on paraprosdokians. For those who don't know, a parprosdokian is a sentence which consists of two parts. The first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. One definition that works is the following:
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which little known by the general public, but is well understood by satirsts. The key feature is that the final words make the listener reinterpret the first part of the sentence.
Additional paraprosdokians and near-paraprosdokians can be found at the above definition link.
Paraprosdokians are used typically for humorous or dramatic effect. Here is a list, some of which might have been included in the original post. I don't have attribution for many.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run--anywhere.
- People call at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat supper at 4 pm.
- You can live without sex (but not without your glasses).
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate forecasters than the national weather service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
October 06, 2011
A letter from the queen
Bill F forwards an amusing e-mail.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An Revenue and Customs agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
September 16, 2011
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day watching the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take the ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damned sheet rock..."
H.T. Bill F
August 22, 2011
No fear (2)
I wouldn't rely too much on the 'true story' tag.
True story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 eastbound at mile marker 73, just east of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the documents and handed them to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something - body language, or the way she said it - made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She admitted to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she had just one more: a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damned thing!"
H.T. Bill F
August 20, 2011
How to impress a woman
Doug was working out in the gym when he spotted a lovely young woman walking in.
He asked a nearby trainer, "Which machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "If I were you, I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
H.T. Jeff G
August 17, 2011
The heart mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a Harley motor when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.. "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. And when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist smiled and leaned over to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine's running," he said.
August 15, 2011
Harlequin romance - 2011 version
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and then moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up to my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine onto my quivering buttocks.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. ‘This is a man,’ I thought. ‘A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...’
"Okay, ma'am, you can board your flight now."
H.T. Paul B
August 03, 2011
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"No!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "No!"
By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKIN' DEAD...."
They're a curious race, the Irish.
June 29, 2011
The room was full of expectant mothers and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of their pregnancies.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
Then she looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a man named Marvin at the back of the room raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering... Would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
H.T. Tucson John
June 23, 2011
Bill sends a funny story.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who asked, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was so wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He asked, "Who screwed up your hair?"
June 16, 2011
More funny quotes
21 sports-related quotes.
"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect." - Doug Sanders, professional golfer
"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'" -- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher
"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play." -- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
"When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time." -- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having trouble." -- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget." -- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good." -- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch." -- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
"When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did - but it was Mrs. Koufax's." -- Tommy John NY Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
"I don't know. I only played there for nine years." -- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost." -- John Breen, Houston Oilers
"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself." -- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo." -- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday." -- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
"I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats." -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day." -- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball." -- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday." -- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'" -- Jim Frey, KC Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
"I learned a long time ago that "minor surgery" is when they do the operation on someone else, not you." -- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash." -- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
June 09, 2011
Killer on the loose
Rick Polito of the Marin Independent Journal printed in Northern California is locally famous for his droll, single-sentence summations of television programs and movies which the newspaper reports will be broadcast. For the Wizard of Oz, he wrote, "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again."
May 20, 2011
Funny fairy tale
A funny fairy tale found at Maggie's Farm.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and hunting, and played golf, and dated women half his age, and smoked cigars, and drank beer and Scotch, and had loads of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
May 04, 2011
Bill F. sends a funny story:
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
At an investment meeting one evening, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
April 15, 2011
Still more groaners
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A: Calling out your own name while having an orgasm.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q:Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it!
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just decorative.
Q:What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
March 09, 2011
The planes and the bees
A mother and her young son were flying from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother couldn't think of an answer so she told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The flight attendant said, "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."
January 13, 2011
Get in line (2)
Steve R sends a funny story.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Following the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
A short distance behind the man with the dog were about 200 men walking single file.
The man with the coffee couldn't resist his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man with the dog and asked, "I am sorry for your loss and I know this may be a bad time to disturb you... But I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her".
He inquired further, "And who's in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
December 22, 2010
A successful hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist told the audience, 'I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you all to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for four generations now.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly repeating, 'Eyes on the watch... Eyes on the watch... Eyes on the watch....'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming from its polished surfaces. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the Claude's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.
'Shit!' cried the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
December 21, 2010
Holiday Parties are Fun
PARTNER: I was telling Scott about this. People in my family have a tendency towards obsessive behavior. A cousin of mine says that every time she buys something, she feels like she's had sex. It's that good.
SCOTT: That's funny. Every time I have sex, I feel like I've bought something. Of course, I usually have.
PARTNER: You should write that down.
October 27, 2010
A British groaner
Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
October 08, 2010
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the older man takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity piqued, the guy asks the balding man what he's doing. The man tells him, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
September 23, 2010
How the fight started (4)
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
'Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect,' I told her.
And that's how the fight started.
Carol sends this list -- 32 in all.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the people died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail . What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know NOT to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers . I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
September 03, 2010
Husband down in aisle 4
A husband and wife were shopping at their local Wal-Mart. The husband picked up a case of Budweiser and put it in their cart.
'What are you doing?' asked the wife.
'It's on sale -- only $15 for 24 cans,' he replied.
'Put them back, we can't afford that,' said the wife. And they carried on shopping.
A few aisles along the woman picked up a $30 jar of face cream and put it in the basket. 'Now what do you think you're doing?' asked the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replied the wife.
'So does a case of Bud - at only half the price.'
September 01, 2010
Two good ol' boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold, after-work beer.
One of them says to the other, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally he says, "Well, I don't know about makin' us kin... but it would make us even."
August 27, 2010
How the fight started (3)
My wife and I were in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I turned to her and asked, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
So then I asked, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, saying only, 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started.
August 19, 2010
How the fight started (2)
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't give her a gift.
When she asked me why not, I told her, "Well, you still haven't used the one I gave you last year!"
And that's how the fight started..
June 04, 2010
He's a quick study
A young man from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach dogs to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How can I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he's out of money again. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm!" he says. "But you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read?!" says his father. "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500 and I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So the young man shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad, I have some grim news," the son tells him. "Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he could talk to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school and now serves in Washington as a Congressman.
H.T. Tucson John
May 03, 2010
A powerful prayer
At the end of his service a preacher said, "Anyone with a special need who wants to be prayed over, please come to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a blue streak for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know yet," answered Leroy. "It ain't 'til next week."
April 28, 2010
Old libertarian joke
A final quote from Brian Doherty's Radicals for Capitalism:
You libertarians are the types that would allow fornication in public parks!
What do you mean, public parks?
April 13, 2010
There's an old story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the first mate that the men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
So the mate went straight to the sailors' berths and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"
People may come along and promise "change" but don't count on things smelling any better.
April 02, 2010
Waiting for a tunnel
Riding together on a train are Barack Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a buxom, young blonde girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Bush has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks, 'Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.'
The blonde girl thinks, 'Bush must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.'
Bush thinks, 'Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.'
Obama thinks, 'I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Bush again.'
March 15, 2010
Here's a sample from a fairly large collection.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. — Multi-Engine Training Manual
March 09, 2010
The power of prayer
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?'
'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.
'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
'For about 60 years.'
'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.' I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'
'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall. Shalom.'
March 08, 2010
Have you ever wondered how many of the dollar bills In your wallet have been in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're probably wondering now. Remember to wash your hands after handling money.
March 05, 2010
Too well prepared
Nearing the end, Stan is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret."
His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stan explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
February 09, 2010
Some of these were new to me but most have been making the e-mail circuit for a few years.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not -- four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
(more after the break)
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
February 04, 2010
A generous lawyer
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limo when he Saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate. He asked the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' one of the men replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But I have a wife and two children with me. They're over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You can come with us too.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, 'But I also have a wife - and six children.'
'Bring them all,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the lawyer's limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'This is very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
'Glad to do it,' the lawyer replied. 'You'll really love my place. The grass there is almost a foot high.'
January 27, 2010
The benefits of old age
January 20, 2010
A great mystery
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
December 12, 2009
The AMA on health care
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care proposals.
- Allergists voted to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
- Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
- Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
- Obstetricians felt everyone's laboring under a misconception.
- Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
- Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
- Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
- Radiologists could see right through it.
- Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
- Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
- Plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..."
- Podiatrists thought it was a step forward but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
- Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
- Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
- In the end, the Proctologists decided to leave the entire decision up to the a**holes in Washington.
November 24, 2009
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and they summoned him to the office. The auditor wasn't surprised when Grandpa showed up with an attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you lead an extravagant lifestyle with no documented income, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks this over and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
The auditor can see that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes this bet too. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he's down three large - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He's starting to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is pretty cautious by now. But he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.
Grandpa walks over to the desk, unzips and tries... But though he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side. Basically he urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a big loss into a bigger win.
But Grandpa's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks him.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'When Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty five thousand that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be thrilled about it!'
November 23, 2009
How bad is it?
The economy is so bad that
... I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
...the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," so you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
...parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
...a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
...the Mafia is laying off judges.
...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
November 18, 2009
Gives them new meaning
Rob sends this collection of neologisms from the Washington Post. The object was to provide new definitions for common words.
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
October 23, 2009
Only in Texas
A lawyer runs a stop sign in Texas and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he's smarter than the deputy because he's a lawyer from New York and he knows he has a better education then any cop from Houston. So he decides to prove this and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' asks the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop because that's the law. License and registration, please!'
'If you can show me the legal difference between slowing down and stopping, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,' says the lawyer. 'If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,'says the deputy.
After the lawyer gets out, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating him. Then he asks, 'Now. Do you want me to stop - or just slow down?'
October 21, 2009
Out of bullets
An old Russian joke retold by P.J. O'Rourke
An old guy's wife tells him to go to the butcher shop and get some meat. He goes to the butcher shop and stands in line for hours. Finally the butcher says, "We're out of meat."
The old guy blows his top. He yells, "I am a worker! I am a proletarian! I am a veteran of the Great Patriotic War! I have fought for socialism all my life and now you tell me you're out of meat! What kind of a system is this?! You are fools! You are thieves! ..."
A big man in a trench coat comes up to the old guy and says, "Comrade, Comrade, not so loud... In the old days you know what they would do if you said such things." The big man in the trench coat makes a pistol motion with his hand. He says to the old guy, "Calm down and go home."
The old guy shrugs and leaves. He comes back empty-handed and his wife asks, "What's the matter, are they out of meat?"
"Worse than that," says the old guy, "they're out of bullets."
October 16, 2009
A marital decision
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK - you'll walk again and everything. But something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find them."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch."
The bloke perks up at this.
"So the thing is,"' the doctor continues, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine-incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five-incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor. "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"'I have," the fellow says.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're having a new kitchen."
October 12, 2009
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. They'd been childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after retiring.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It wasn't locked, so they entered and found the old desk where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and they took it home. There she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." So she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two Treasury agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him; he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first agent turns to his partner and says, "OK,we're outta here."
October 10, 2009
Check your assumptions (2)
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks as they make copies of the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not copying the original books. So the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, the error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries. But you make a good point, my son." So the head of the monastery goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Quite a while passes with no sign of him. One of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying.
He asks the older monk what's wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk.
September 28, 2009
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After the meal, they left the restaurant and resumed the trip.
The elderly woman had unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance farther before they found a place to turn around.
All the way back, the husband was a grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you'd might as well get my hat and the credit card!'
September 21, 2009
He lies like a dog
A guy is driving across Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken-down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. So he stops and rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking yellow Labrador sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks the dog.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government so I went to the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger - I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible plots and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'Then I settled down, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is just amazed by the dog. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he's asking for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the owner tells him.
'Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar! He never did any of that stuff..."
September 10, 2009
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a skeptical man enters a fortune teller's tent just for a laugh.
"I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball.
"Hah! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Hah!" says the fortune teller. "That's what you think."
September 08, 2009
Steve sends a collection of jokes about men.
Seconds after my husband stepped into the laundry room he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE! '
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, ''I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
A man and his wife, both in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Shazam! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Shazam! Immediately he turned 93.
Gotta love that fairy!
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
September 01, 2009
Play a request
A man calls a radio DJ and says, "I've found a wallet with ten thousand dollars inside. There's also a card that says 'John Ziegler, 413 Geyer, Pineville.' "
"So?" asks the DJ. "What do you want me to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"
August 27, 2009
A bear walks into a bar
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and... uh... Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."
August 24, 2009
A funny story from Rob:
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 am, on the first hole of a busy course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker, "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please?'"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, almost impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee?"
I simply ignored the guy and worked to keep my concentration, when once more, the man yelled into the microphone, "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, please?!"
I finally stopped, turned, and shouted back, "Would the loud mouth with the microphone please be quiet and let me play my second shot?"
August 20, 2009
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker asks the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
August 12, 2009
It's been a long time since our last blonde joke
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after her operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he told her.
"How long will it be before I'm able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?" she asked.
The surgeon paused for a moment, which alarmed the woman. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
"Yes, you'll be fine," he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
H.T. Tucson John
August 10, 2009
After the service, an elderly woman presented her minister with several home-baked pies she'd made. He graciously thanked her and took them home with him.
The minister and his family decided to try the pies after Sunday dinner. But they turned out to be possibly the worst examples of cooking they'd ever tasted. Try as they might, they couldn't stomach any of the pies. Finally, they were forced to dump them all in the trash.
After the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the elderly woman. She asked, "Did you enjoy my pies, minister? I made them especially for you."
The minister didn't want to hurt the old woman's feeling, but he didn't want to tell a lie either. What could he do?
Then inspiration hit him and he told her. "Ma'am, as God is my witness, I can truly say that pies like yours never last long around our house."
July 31, 2009
While the C-5's engines were idling, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, and so on.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old master sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? The captain's a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the attendant. 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member. 'We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the Box Office.'
July 28, 2009
Some male views on marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, some soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage..
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky... Mine's still alive.."
July 24, 2009
This guy walks into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him and says to the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and soda."
Then the crocodile says, "And I'll have a whiskey sour."
The dumbfounded bartender gasps, "That's incredible! I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
And the guy says, "Oh, he can't. The chicken's a ventriloquist."
July 22, 2009
The old blarney works everytime
A nice-looking young woman on a flight from Dublin, Ireland asked a priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask you a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and well over the custom's limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it since I can't pay the duty. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked him, "Do you have anything to declare, Father?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go along with you, Father.. Next!"
July 18, 2009
They walk among us...
Eight funny vignettes from Mary.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where???"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "...didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount on both.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
July 15, 2009
The Bathtub test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how they determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
"Do you want a bed near the window?"
July 14, 2009
A man can be handy around the house
A funny story from Rob:
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast, wearing only the T-shirt that she slept in.
As I walked in, partly awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all -- right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
'The egg timer's broken.'
July 13, 2009
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to Heaven. While waiting to check in he notices a large twin engine craft coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip.
The twin pilot blows the landing - collapses the nose gear and strikes the props. He gets out of the plane and walks away.
Fifteen minutes later, the same scene occurs. Another twin, another blown landing, and the same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The pilot who was waiting to check in to Heaven is astounded. He turns to St. Peter and asks, "What's the story with the twin pilot over there?"
"Oh, that's just God," says St. Peter. "He thinks he's a surgeon."
June 30, 2009
Tucson John sends a funny story.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks. 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."
'Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'That's wonderful,' the husband says.
Then his wife says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years... Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! That was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD!' she exclaims.
Her husband says again, 'Don't move - I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
June 25, 2009
How it works
Tucson John sends this little tale.
It's August in a resort town that sits on the shores of a lake. It's been raining for days and the little town looks totally deserted. It's tough times, everybody's in debt and everybody's living on credit.
Then a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a $100 bill on the reception desk and goes up to inspect the rooms and pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the $100 bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 bill and pays his debt to the pig farmer.
The swineherd takes the $100 bill and runs to pay his debt to the feed store.
The feed store owner takes the $100 bill and pays off his debt to the town's prostitute. In these hard times, she'd given him "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel with the $100 and pays off her tab there for the rooms that she's rented when she brought clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will be none the wiser.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, picks up his $100, says that he didn't really like any of the rooms and he leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt and it looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
June 05, 2009
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. When he asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing her to vent for a while, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked Jacqueline to stand. He unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, and fondled her breasts while he kissed her passionately. Her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down in a daze.
Then the therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Mark thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
May 29, 2009
Q: What’s the difference between a Fiat and a Jehovah’s Witness?
A: You can close the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
May 26, 2009
A public-spirited barber
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he tried to pay but the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
H.T. Tucson John
March 28, 2009
Too much withholding
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for it for weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00.
When the post master saw the letter addressed to 'God , USA' , he decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he pulled $10 out of his pocket and instructed his secretary to send the little boy. The president thought this would seem like a lot of money to a young boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $10.00 bill and he sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC and those jerks deducted $90.00 in taxes.
March 18, 2009
Dear old Dad
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes; he's 92. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
While we ate, I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teenager looked up, he found Dad staring at him.
When the teenager had had enough he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter, old man- never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't choke on his response, knowing it would be a good one. He didn't bat an eye when he replied, 'I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock... I was just wondering if you were my son.'
March 17, 2009
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. After a long examination, the doctor sighed and told him, "I've some bad news. You have cancer. It's widespread and you'd best put your affairs in order soon."
O'Malley was shocked but he managed to compose himself before walking into the waiting room where his son was.
"Well, son," he said, "we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things aren't so good. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After a couple of pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. In fact, there were some laughs and a few more beers. Then they were joined by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS," he told them. The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had another pint to toast him.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "Well, you know, I just don't want them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
March 11, 2009
Nine words and phrases
Nine words & phrases women use, explained:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end with Fine.
(4) Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!
(5) Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about Nothing.
(6) That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say 'You're welcome.' This is true unless she says 'Thanks a lot.' That is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say 'You're welcome' in this case. That will bring on a Whatever.
(8) Whatever: This is a woman's way of saying, F*** you!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now going to do herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to #3.
March 09, 2009
A man got a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium he realized his seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he noticed an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field and right on the 50 yard line. So he decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man told him it was empty. Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game he asked the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't seen together at since 1965."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the first man. "Couldn't you find someone to take the seat?A relative or close friend maybe?"
"No," the second replied, "they're all at the funeral."
February 25, 2009
Poor career choice
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter -- a good find for a retiree like me -- I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-sounding woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them as they came through the entrance. As instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am," I replied. "I just couldn't imagine that you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Thanks to Bill.
February 24, 2009
The host is busy
A reader-submitted tale at The Daily WTF.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold and supported a restaurant Point of Sale (POS) system named after a furry creature that eats and hides nuts. We had lots of large accounts across the world.
The system was sort of a client-server setup, with a Host Computer in the back office that drove dumb terminals on the restaurant floor. Whenever there was a problem or lost connection, the terminals would usually flash "Host busy, Manager check Host". Most problems could be cured with a reboot of the host computer.
One day I got a call from a manager of an Applebee's. He says that they can't ring up any orders and that the screens all say "Host busy, manager check Host".
I asked him if he's checked the host. He says "Yep, I've already done that. She's really busy, seating people as fast as she can!"
I put him on hold while I regained my composure.
February 20, 2009
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, called Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons thus forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Tip o' the hat to Allen.
February 19, 2009
Chuck in Montana paid a rancher $100 for a horse and the rancher agreed to deliver the horse the next day. But when the rancher drove up the next day he said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "All right. Just give me my money back."
"Can't do that," said the rancher. "I went and spent it already."
"OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The rancher asked, "What're ya gonna do with a dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle it off."
"You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later, the rancher met up with Chuck again and asked him, "So what happened with that dead horse?"
"I raffled him off, like I said. Sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anybody complain?"
"Just the guy who won," said Chuck. "So I gave him his two dollars back."
February 17, 2009
A reader-submitted story at The Daily WTF.
Recently, one of our customers called in with some problems he was having with his computer.
"I'm having a lot of problems with my crunchies," he explained.
"I'm sorry," Romjin responded, "I don't know what you mean?"
"Uhh," the customer paused, "you know, I was on the Internet this morning, and it kept telling me about my crunchies."
"Crunchies??" I asked, completely perplexed, "is this a game you have installed?"
"I don't know," he said, "it just keep saying something about my crunchies."
After some thought about Internet and websites warnings, it dawned on me. "Do you mean Cookies?"
"Yeah," he responded, "that's what it was saying!"
February 16, 2009
A tale to give you paws
Once there was a couple who kept a cat. But the husband absolutely hated his wife's cat and one day he decided to get rid of it. So he drove the cat 20 blocks from home and left it at the park.
As he arrived back home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to try again and he drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out again and headed home.
Pulling into his driveway, there was the cat!
So he kept taking the cat further and further away but the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive several miles into the countryside, make a lot of turns, and cross a bridge until he reached what he thought was a spot remote enough from his home. He left the cat there.
Hours later the man called home. 'Marge, is the cat there?'
'Yes,' the wife answered. 'Why do you ask?'
Frustrated, the man answered, 'Well, put that son of a bitch on the phone! I'm lost and need directions.'
February 11, 2009
Efficiency at the post office
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?' asked the interviewer.
'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asked, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes... an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaced and then he said, 'OK, You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy was puzzled and asked, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10?'
'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. Not much point in you coming in for that.'
H.T. Tucson John
February 06, 2009
Picture this: reaching for the K-Y jelly and grabbing the Vicks VapoRub by mistake.
February 05, 2009
A woman is standing nude in front of her bedroom mirror. She isn't happy with what she sees and she says to her husband, "I feel horrible! I look old and fat and ugly... I really need for you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
February 04, 2009
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I was staring at a drunken lady who was swigging her drink alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She was my high school sweetheart. I heard she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago. And I hear lately that she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
January 31, 2009
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
January 20, 2009
A hard act to follow
A magician had a gig on an Alaskan cruise ship. Since the audience was different every week, the magician got into the habit of performing the same tricks for every cruise.
But the problem with that was the captain's parrot, who saw the same show every week and began to figure out the magician's tricks. Eventually he started shouting things like, "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" or "It's not the same hat!" or "Look, the flowers are under the table!"
The magician was furious about this, but there was little he could do since it was the captain's parrot.
Then one day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself stranded -- with the parrot -- on a piece of flotsam in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other but neither said a word and that went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up... What'd you do with the boat?"
January 15, 2009
The soul of discretion
Marty sends an old one that bears retelling.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment one afternoon when Paddy Murphy lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest, and fell dead right at the table.
After paying some respects to their fallen brother, Michael O'Conner looked around and asked, “Boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?”
So they drew straws. Paul Gallagher picked the short one. They warned him to be discreet and not make a bad situation any worse for Mrs. Murphy.
“Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen ye'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name... jest leave it to me.”
So Gallagher went over to Murphy's house and knocked on the door. Mrs. Murphy answered and asked what he wanted.
"Well, ma'am, this is the way of it," Gallagher declared. “Your husband just lost $500 at the poker table and he's afraid to come home.”
''That man! You go tell him to drop dead!” snapped Murphy's wife.
“I'll do that, ma'am,” said Gallagher.
January 13, 2009
In your dreams
Having reached the end of the job interview, the HR person asked the young engineer fresh out of school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
"Something In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year," the interviewee replied, "depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, then, what would you say to a package that includes 5 weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental coverage, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years... A red Corvette, say?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Of course I am," said the interviewer. "But you started it."
January 07, 2009
It can always be worse
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope that was addressed to ‘Dad’ propped up prominently against the pillow. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girl friend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion… Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and Ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
December 24, 2008
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular exams by the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when he took his most recent check ride.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in,fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
December 22, 2008
After her 90th birthday, Mable found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become just too difficult. So she decided to send checks to everyone instead.
On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present." And she mailed them early. That year, Mable enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities.
Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks she'd forgotten to enclose.
December 18, 2008
Office party aftermath
After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a cottony mouth, a pounding headache and no recall of the events of the previous evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he stumbled downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Sally," he moaned, "tell me about last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she told him. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the CEO to his face."
"Oh, he's an arrogant, self-important jerk! Piss on him."
"As a matter of fact, you did. All over his suit," she told him. "So he fired you."
"Well, screw him then," said John.
"That's what I did. So you're back at work on Monday."
December 17, 2008
Some fine geekery here
CWF send a link to the Aegisub blog. I especially like the analogy for Perl..
And now, for some off-topic:
"If programming languages were religions"
(Inspired by "If programming languages were cars")
C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.
Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.
PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.
C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.
C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't discriminate so much against you for following it.
Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that it's the only language that makes sense.
Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.
Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.
Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.
Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.
Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.
Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.
COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.
APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.
LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.
Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist...
Thanks to jfs and other people on #aegisub for the suggestions. Keep in mind, this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me. ;)
A little advice
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the office Christmas party.
- Jimmy Carr
December 12, 2008
Too early for some
It was Christmas week and the judge was in a good mood when he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
December 11, 2008
An elephant's memory
In 1986, Peter Davies was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. While hiking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one foot raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put its foot down. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face and stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times and then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. So he summoned his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
December 09, 2008
A traditional Christmas
The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack
- John Cleese
December 02, 2008
A master at going faster
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" someone in the audience asked.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?"
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in fourteen."
November 28, 2008
We appreciate your cooperation
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
November 24, 2008
Watch for this scam
I don't know how many of you shop at WalMart but there's a scam there that I was a victim of.
Two seriously good-looking, well-built cowboy types come over to your car as you are loading it, getting ready to leave. They're both shirtless and they clean your windshield with their highly-defined pectorals and rock-hard abs standing out under their tans. It's impossible not to look. When you offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask for a ride to another store.
You agree and they get in the car with you. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then the one in the front seat leans over, starts kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you...
While this is going on, the second guy steals your purse!
I had a purse stolen this way last Tuesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and, most likely, tomorrow.
H.T. to Carol
November 21, 2008
Blind sky diver
A blind man was describing his sky diving hobby. When asked how he manged it at all, he said that things were all done for him. "The jump master positions me in the door with my seeing-eye dog and he tells me when to jump. He puts my hand on my rip cord and out I go."
"But how do you know when to pull the rip cord?"
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I'm 3000 feet from the ground."
"But how do you know when you're going to hit the ground?"
"Well, the dog's leash goes slack then."
November 18, 2008
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was hanging siding was reaching into his nail pouch, pulling out nails, and then tossing about half of them over his shoulder.
The other carpenter got curious and asked, "Why are you throwing away so many nails?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and the point's toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If the point is toward the house, then I drive it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yelled at him. "The nails with their points toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
November 14, 2008
What, no vase?
Here's an old joke retold in captioned pictures.
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new action adventure film about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the guy for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you, Arnie?" Spielberg asked.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
November 12, 2008
Sometimes failure is a good thing
At a software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
November 10, 2008
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors on staff and after about 4 minutes in the examining room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and had her sit down and relax in another room. Then she explained what the problem was. The older doctor marched back to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her she was pregnant?!"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued writing on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups, though, didn't it?"
November 07, 2008
A man and his wife were having a spat and giving each other the silent treatment. One day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 the next morning for an early flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, though, he decided to leave a note instead of asking her directly. His note said, "Please wake me at 5:00."
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 8:00 and he'd missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on his night stand.
It read "It's 5:00 - time to wake up!"
November 06, 2008
Tech support incidents
Bill sends 15 tech support vignettes.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk. Sorry.
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'Start' for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... this one does work.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as i n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
And last but not least:
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P' - on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
November 05, 2008
How it started
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by circumstances...
While attending a religiously-based Marriage Encounter weekend, Jim and his wife Mary listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' Then he addressed the men first, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Jim leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Jim's life of celibacy.
November 04, 2008
Never trust a politician
A bus filled with politicians was driving down a country road one day when it ran off the road and crashed into a tree. The old farmer who owned the land heard the crash and he went out to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos. He saw the crashed bus but he didn't see any of its riders. He asked the farmer where all the politicians were.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em... They're all out in my back 40."
"All of them?" asked the sheriff. "They were all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, a few of 'em said they wasn't... But you know how them politicians will lie."
November 03, 2008
Making the switch
A life-long supporter of the Democratic party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Republican party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend. "You've always been a Democrat through and through. Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
October 30, 2008
A St. Louis tradition
One of the things we learned after moving to St. Louis was that trick-or-treaters here are expected to tell you a joke when they visit. So in that spirit (so to speak)...
Two men walked out of a bar (there's a switch!) after making a night of it. They decided to take a shortcut through a cemetery on their way home. In the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise that was coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they crept forward and they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, who was chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Good night!" one of the men said after catching his breath. "You scared us both half to death! We thought you were a ghost. What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
October 29, 2008
A sad heir
A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching his friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," says his friend.
"Gee, that's tough."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
The man looks concerned and says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Oh, that's not all, " the friend adds. "Last month my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!"
"And now this month..." the friend says. "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
October 27, 2008
One autumn, the Indians asked their chief if the winter was going to be a cold one or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief took the safer route and replied that the winter was going to be cold; and that the members of the tribe should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be very cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the chief went back to speed up his people in collecting wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
Again the chief went to his people and ordered them to go and collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"It will be even colder than we thought," the man replied. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
October 23, 2008
It's no big deal
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman when he pulled over a driver.
The driver jumped out, ran to the back of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," the cop said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
October 21, 2008
A fool and his money
"I see in The Times today," George V's private secretary remarked one day, "that some damn fool has given fourteen hundred pounds for a single stamp at a private sale."
"Yes," the king replied, "I am that damn fool."
October 20, 2008
Honesty's the best policy
"If you're going to work here, young man, " said the boss, "the #2 thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"Yes, sir, I did," responded the young man.
"And the #1 thing we are very keen on is truthfulness," said the boss. "There is no mat."
October 17, 2008
Amazingly simple household tips
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with your wife. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
October 16, 2008
Here's your sign.. (2)
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" he asked.
October 15, 2008
Obey the voice
Saul is working in his shop one day when he hears a booming voice from above. "Saul, sell the business." He ignores it but it goes on for days. "Saul, sell the business for $3 million."
After weeks of this, he relents and sells the shop. The voice says, "Saul, take the money to Las Vegas." He obeys and goes to a casino. The voice tells him, "Go to a black jack table and put it all down on the first hand." Saul hesitates but he knows he'll obey in the end. So he bets it all and gets dealt an 18. The dealer's showing 6.
"Take a card, Saul," says the voice.
"What?! But the dealer has..."
"Take a card!" So he tells the dealer to hit him and he gets an ace. 19 -- and a big sigh of relief.
"Saul, take another card."
"Take ANOTHER card!" Saul asks for a second card and it's another ace; now he's at 20.
"Take another card," says the voice.
"But I have 20! With two aces!!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" booms the voice.
"Hit me," Saul tells the dealer and he gets his third ace: 21.
And the booming voice says, "Un-fucking-believable!"
October 14, 2008
Reaching Shanghai late one night, producer Arthur Mayer was in his hotel room unpacking when the Chinese equivalent of a house detective knocked on the door. In his best pidgin English the dick asked, 'Want gur?'
'Want what?' asked Mayer.
'Gur' answered the Chinese, and with appropriate gestures indicated what a 'gur' was. The pantomime was so perfect that Mayer soon grasped the idea, but he was anxious only for a bath and a bed. He pointed to his grey hair and eyeglasses as an excuse for his strange lack of interest.
As a pantomime artist, however, he was apparently not the equal of the Chinese. Half an hour later, when he emerged from his tub, there was again a knock on the door. The house detective had returned, this time accompanied by a charming if somewhat mature lady, her hair streaked with grey and a pince-nez on her nose.
October 13, 2008
Bill sends a funny story.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over a quarter."
Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
"And I'm like... 'Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents.'"
(Image lifted from the Central City Pigskinners.)
October 11, 2008
I knew there was something I'd forgotten...
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
- Mark Twain
I won't say it's time for Brother, Can You Spare a Dime? but what a week!
October 07, 2008
It's not a living
Does the tailor Rabinowitz live here?
Who are you?
And aren't you a tailor?
Yes, I am.
Then why did you say you didn't live here?
You call this living?
October 06, 2008
What is politics?
Harry Truman was once asked by a young student how he might get started in politics.
"You've already started," Truman replied. "You're spending somebody else's money, aren't you?"
October 02, 2008
Jeff sends this timely alert.
If you get an e-mail with the subject line, "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It contains a nasty email virus.
If you get an e-mail with the subject line, "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
October 01, 2008
Yards, feet, whatever
Twelve years ago, while stationed in Germany, I walked into the post exchange at Leighton Barracks in Wurzburg to purchase some velcro. I told the woman in the fabrics section that I needed two yards of the stuff. She frowned and informed me, "We only sell it it feet."
At first I thought she was being humorous, but when I realized she was serious I said, "Ok, then, give me six feet."
For a moment I was afraid she was going to cut it into twelve-inch segments, but instead she hauled out a length and began measuring it against the yardstick attached to the table. She paused, looked, thought, then measured out two yards, cut it and rang it up without another word.
September 30, 2008
As physics professor at Adelaide University in Australia, Sir Kerr Grant used to illustrate the time of descent of a free-falling body by allowing a heavy ball suspended from the lecture-theater roof trusses to fall some 30 feet and be caught in a sand bucket.
Each year the bucket was lined up meticulously to catch the ball - and each year students secretly moved the bucket to one side, so that the ball crashed thunderously to the floor. Tiring of this rather stale joke, the professor traced a chalk line around the bucket. The students moved the bucket as usual, traced a chalk mark around the new position, rubbed it out and replaced the bucket in its original spot.
"'Aha!'" the professor explained, seeing the faint outline of the erased chalk mark. He moved the bucket over it and released the ball - which thundered to the floor as usual.
September 26, 2008
I had a job selling hearing aids door-to-door. It wasn't easy because the best prospects never answered.
- Bob Monkhouse
September 23, 2008
Gimme a sign
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
September 19, 2008
Your foxy grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
- Andy Rooney
September 18, 2008
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
- Jay Leno
September 16, 2008
A little fender bender
Bill passes along this e-mail.
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, sweetheart.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
September 10, 2008
More LHC news
Here's an interesting item.
September 08, 2008
Consider the source
I used to think that the brain was the greatest organ in the human body, then I realized, 'Hey! Look what's telling me that!'
- Emo Philips
September 05, 2008
Sense of taste
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in India last year I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
- Jimmy Carr
August 27, 2008
A different world
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name. It makes me think of a magical place... that gets less comfortable over time.
- Demetri Martin
August 25, 2008
Carol sends an oldie that's worth another go...
A drunk man who smelled like a distillery sat down next to a priest in a subway car. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replied, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for yourself and the lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.' He resumed reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so uncharitable. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
August 14, 2008
When people ask me how I'm getting to the airport I say, "Well, I'm flying to one of them."
- Stephen Wright
August 13, 2008
A rave review
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my forties I find it even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse. I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband!
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, as I have to write to the Hefty bag people.
August 12, 2008
It's not the age. It's the mileage
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, again on average, that we're getting about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?
August 06, 2008
Don't ask, don't tell
A man's in bed with his girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour lovingly stroking his penis, something she's done on many occasions.
Rather than just enjoying it, he asks her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because I really miss mine."
August 05, 2008
Show a little sympathy
I went to the dentist. He said, "Say, aaah."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because my dog just died."
August 04, 2008
And call me in the morning
"I tried to kill myself yesterday by taking a thousand aspirin."
"Well, after the first two I felt a lot better."
July 30, 2008
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But in my experience, so does an air rifle.
- Harry Hill
July 25, 2008
The pain-relieving ingredient, there's always got to be a lot of that. Nobody wants anything less than Extra-Strength. "Give me the maximum allowable human dosage. Figure out what will kill me, then back it off a little."
- Jerry Seinfeld
July 22, 2008
A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street. She said "Could you spare a couple of minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr
July 17, 2008
I hated my last boss. He asked me, "Why are you two hours late?"
I said, "Because I fell downstairs."
"That doesn't take two hours," he said.
- Johnny Carson
July 09, 2008
School of hard knocks
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm going to be if I grow up."
- Lenny Bruce
July 08, 2008
Thanks so much
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and washes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please, God, save my only grandson! I beg you to bring him back."
And a big wave comes rolling onto the beach and washes the boy back, good as new. The woman looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!"
July 03, 2008
An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months with nary a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The prospector looked up at him and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now,' and he started shooting at the old man's feet. The prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. After the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old prospector reached over to the mule, drew out his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a loud clicking sound. Somehow everything got very quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around and looked down the barrels of the shotgun.
The old man said to the gunslinger, 'Tell me, son. Have you ever kissed a mule's ass?'
June 30, 2008
I split up with my last girl friend because she was so terribly hypocritical.
She used to say, 'I love surprises,' but when she found out I was sleeping with her sister...
- Jimmy Carr
June 25, 2008
It should be expected
People are always shocked when a celebrity gets caught in a hotel room with hookers and cocaine.
But what else are you supposed to give hookers in a hotel room? Yogurt?
- Dylan Moran
June 19, 2008
When socialism works
Ivan dies and his soul is sent to hell. In front of the gate a devil asks him, "Do you want to go to the capitalist hell or the socialist hell?"
Ivan is thinking about how to decide when he hears his friend Vasily calling to him from behind the gate. "Hey, Ivan! Come to our hell. In the capitalist hell they'll throw you in a large cauldron full of boiling tar where you'll burn eternally."
"And in the socialist hell?"
"The arrangement is the same, only here they either run out of tar or they run short of fuel -- and when both tar and fuel are available, the devils have a union meeting."
June 18, 2008
Two men are robbing an apartment in a high-rise building when they hear police sirens approaching.
"Quick! Let's jump out of the window," says one of them.
"Are you crazy?" the other replies. "We're on the thirteenth floor!"
"Don't be ridiculous... This is no time to be superstitious!"
June 16, 2008
Some people are against drunk driving. I call those people the cops.
But sometimes, you have no choice. Those kids just gotta get to school.
June 13, 2008
A couple are walking along the street when the girl stops in front of a jeweler's and says, "Honey, look at that necklace! It's so beautiful."
"No problem," says her boyfriend, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing the necklace. A little later the girl points to a bracelet in the window of another shop. "Oooh, honey," she says, "I'd love that too."
"No problem," says her guy and heaves a brick through that window and snatches the bracelet for her.
Not much later, they pass a third shop where she spots a diamond ring. "Oh, isn't that lovely?" she says.
"Hold on!" says the boyfriend. "What do you think? That I'm made of bricks?"
June 11, 2008
I was walking across a bridge one day when I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it. There's so much to live for."
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious?"
"Me too!" I said. "Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalean or Baptist?"
"Wow - me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God," he said.
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God or Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879 or Reformation of 1915?"
"Reformation of 1915," he said.
I said, "DIE, HERECTIC SCUM!" and I pushed him off.
June 10, 2008
Don't be a dummy
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
June 09, 2008
A man loses his dog so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad reads, "Here, boy!"
May 27, 2008
God As A Programmer
Important Theological Questions that are Answered When we understand God as essentially a Programmer....
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the operating system kernel.
May 23, 2008
8 bytes in a bar
Eight bytes walk into a bar.
"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.
"Can you make us a double?"
May 22, 2008
There are 5 secrets to a great relationship.
1. It's important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It's important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It's important to find a man who's dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.
4. It's important to find a man who's good in bed and loves to have sex with you.
5. It's important that these four men never meet.
May 20, 2008
Not to worry
"Doctor, I keep having dreams about horrible sexual acts. About sadism, bestiality and necrophilia. What should I do?"
"Forget about it... You're flogging a dead horse."
May 17, 2008
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Read the whole thing.
May 09, 2008
Two monkeys are taking a bath in a tub. One of them starts yelling, "Ooh-ooh-ooh! Aah-ah!"
The other one says, "Well, turn on the cold water then."
May 07, 2008
P.J. O'Rourke isn't delivering any commencement addresses, but here's what he'd say if he were::
Fairness, idealism and other atrocities
Commencement advice you're unlikely to hear elsewhere.
By P.J. O'Rourke
May 4, 2008
Well, here you are at your college graduation. And I know what you're thinking: "Gimme the sheepskin and get me outta here!" But not so fast. First you have to listen to a commencement speech.
Don't moan. I'm not going to "pass the wisdom of one generation down to the next." I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom.
May 06, 2008
A cowboy walks into a bar
A cowpoke walks into a bar and orders whiskey. As the barman pours, he looks around at the empty barroom. "Where is everybody?" he asks.
"Gone to the hangin'," says the bartender.
"Hangin'? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown paper Pete."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well," the bartender says, "his hat's made of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper and even his jeans're made of brown paper."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "Well, what're they hangin' him fer?"
May 05, 2008
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 on the video then your dog's smarter than you are.
- Jay Leno
May 02, 2008
A short timer
When the doctor broke the news to me that I had cancer, I said, "Tell me straight, Doc. How long do I have?"
He said, "Ten..."
"Ten what?!" I asked. "Years, months, weeks?"
He said, "Nine... eight... seven..."
April 28, 2008
A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walk into a bar.
"Hey," says the bartender. "What is this, some kind of joke?"
April 26, 2008
A sad fate
The doctor was trying to be reassuring. "Don't worry," he said. "Many people talk to themselves."
"I know that," said the patient. "But I'm such a bore!"
April 18, 2008
Double your fun
Identical twins walk into a bar and start laughing as one of the barflies starts to gawk at them. One of them says to him, "Don't worry, it's not the booze. We're twins."
"No kidding?" the man says. "All four of you?!"
Three women were chatting about their relationships; one was engaged, one married and one a mistress. They decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and masks over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
Then the married woman told her tale. "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home he found me wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he saw me he asked, 'So what's for dinner, Batwoman?'"
April 14, 2008
With friends like these...
In December 1985, U.S. Congressman Delbert L. Latta summarized the progress being made on simplifying the tax code. "I hold in my hand," he declared, "1,379 pages of tax simplification."
The owner of a small sandwich shop was brought before the tax people because of certain deductions he'd taken. The auditor wanted an explanation for the deduction of two trips to Greece as business expenses. Going on, the auditor also wanted explanations for a week in Paris, four days in Capri, and a weekend in Bermuda.
"You have a small sandwich shop," the auditor said. "How can you justify deducting these trips?"
"We deliver!" replied the shop owner.
The importance of banks
Banks are necessary institutions that were established to provide people a place to store the government's money until tax time.
The average citizen works four months a year for the government...
Government employees don't work four months a year for the government!
On the first page of the tax return are spaces for personal information. I think of them as foreplay.
I hate taxes. Every time my ship comes in, the government unloads it.
April 10, 2008
Vancouver Canucks defenseman Harold Snepsts was once advised by his doctor to wear a helmet to protect himself from potential brain damage.
"Don't worry about that, Doc," he replied. "If it happens, I can always come back as a forward."
April 09, 2008
Nobody said it was easy
A woman walked into a bar and marched straight to her husband, who was feeling no pain on his barstool. The woman took a sip of his drink and spat it out in disgust. "It tastes awful!" she said.
The man answered, "And you think I'm here having a good time every day..."
April 07, 2008
Everything is relative
Banks have fallen on hard times. Many are closing. That things are tough is reflected by this banker who goes into a hardware store and buys a hundred shovels at six dollars each. Three days later he returns for another hundred shovels.
"It's none of my business," says the storekeeper, "but I'm curious. What are you doing with all these shovels?"
"I sell them for three dollars each," replies the banker.
"Three dollars? But they cost you six!"
THe banker nods and says, "It's better than banking!"
April 04, 2008
A beggar stood in front of a department store, trying to raise some money for a pint. An elderly woman came out of the store, stopped when she saw him, rummaged through her purse and came up with a dime. Dropping it into his hat, she asked, "My poor man, how did you get in this condition?"
"Well, ma'am, I was just like you. I gave away vast sums to those in need."
The wine expert
A joke from a decades-old book I rediscovered recently.
The scene was Elaine's Restaurant on Second Avenue in Manhattan on a crowded Saturday night. A stranger walked in from the street and pompously announced that he could identify any wine served there - even with a blindfolded.
The challenge was immediately accepted. A dark cloth was placed over his eyes and wine after wine was handed to him.
"Lafite-Rothschild, 1958," he would announce. Or, "Bernkasteler Badstube, 1951." And he was always right.
Finally, someone handed him a glass he couldn't identify. He sipped, and then he sipped again. Suddenly he spat it out and pulled off the blindfold.
"Hell! This is urine! Plain fresh urine!"
"Yes," said a small voice in the background, "but whose?"
April 01, 2008
A man who was new to town goes to the best brothel in the city. Picking a beautiful companion, he retires to a large and well-appointed bedroom where a most pleasing sexual interlude occurs. Satiated, the man asks the madam of the house, "How much do I owe?"
She motions for him to put away his money. Taking $50 from a silk purse, she gives him the money. She fends off all his requests for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. Again, he sports in an opulent bedroom and again he's given $50.
And he returns for the third night and passes a pleasant hour before going down to see the madam. She tells him, "That'll be $75."
"Wait a minute," the man says. "Wait a minute... I came in the first time and you gave me $50. The second time, you gave me $50. But now you want to get paid... Why?"
The madam tells him, "Because tonight you weren't on television."
March 30, 2008
With his car up on a lift in the garage where my father worked, the owner of a 1970s Cadillac (with the extra wheel well fenders that covered a fair portion of the tires) asked that all four wheels be rotated such that the valve stems were "pointing up" (and therefore not obstructed by the fender extensions). This was to ensure that the next time he pulled into a service station to put air into the tires, all four valve stems would be accessible without needing to move the car several times to get access.
March 25, 2008
Here's your sign
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
March 24, 2008
A great pub
I'd been saving this one for St. Patrick's day and I missed it. Better late than never, though.
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman meet in a bar while traveling.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy four drinks he'll buy the fifth one for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
March 07, 2008
In the hot seat
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by his looks. He once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire.
One looked up as Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
March 05, 2008
A group of terrorists has hijacked a plane full of lawyers.
They're demanding 20 million dollars and they're threatening to release one lawyer at a time until it's delivered.
March 03, 2008
Tell me all about yourself
From the Freakonomics 2008 Fact-a-Day Calendar:
Self-descriptions on Internet dating sites*
1. Women claiming "above average" looks - 72 percent
2. Women claiming "very good" looks - 24 percent
3. Men claiming "above average" looks - 68 percent
4. Men claiming "very good" looks - 19 percent
*Leaves 30 percent of online daters "average" and one percent "below average" looks.
February 29, 2008
A little sole
A man takes his shoes to the shoe repair shop and tells the cobbler, "I'd like to have these soled."
The cobbler looks at the man and asks, "What does this look like - a second-hand store? Sell them yourself!"
February 28, 2008
How the fight started
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and like stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could not believe it when he got out. He was a dwarf!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"
So I looked down at him and I asked, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's how the fight started.
February 27, 2008
This one is alleged to come from Oz.
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
"And I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
February 26, 2008
He's so cheap
You can recognize him in any restaurant.
He's always sitting with his back to the check.
February 25, 2008
In fond memory
When Sam died, his will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. And his wife followed his wishes.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Sarah. "The whole thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice... but $30,000?"
"The funeral was $6,500," Sarah answered. "I donated $500 to the synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody did some quick figuring. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
February 22, 2008
Two old guys, one 70 and the other 77, met at their usual park bench one morning. The 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you have great stamina with the ladies."
So on the way home, the 70- year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. So he asked her, "Do you have any rye bread?"
"Yes, there"s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"I want 5 loaves, please."
"My goodness! 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
"I can"t believe this!" the man said. "Everybody in the world knows about this sh*t but me."
February 21, 2008
The good and the bad
After the flood, Noah brought his ark to rest on Mount Ararat. The animals started debarking: two elephants walked off, then two lions, and then two camels. Next, four gnus came down the gangplank.
Noah's wife was watching and she asked him, "I thought you brought only two of each animal?"
"Well, you see," explained Noah, "first there's the good gnus and then there's the bad gnus."
February 20, 2008
A man walked into a bar...
A man walked into a bar and ordered, "A bourbon for me and a shot of vodka for my pal." When the drinks arrived, the man swallowed the bourbon and poured the vodka into his coat pocket.
After five rounds, the man became a little rambunctious and the bartender asked him to leave. Slurring his words, the man stood up and said, "I know when I'm not wanted. You can go to hell!"
A little mouse poked his head out of the man's pocket and added, "And that goes for your damned cat too!"
February 18, 2008
When it counts
A married Irishman went to confession and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest asked, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we ended up getting undressed and we were rubbing together, but then I stopped before it went any further."
The priest said, "'Rubbing together' is just the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say ten Hail Mary's, ten Our Father's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money into the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room and the other man called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." Naturally, she agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made mumbling noises and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
February 15, 2008
Prepare to meet thy baker
I went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepared their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
- Josh Cohen
A sufficiently advanced technology
Carol sends this funny story.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) said, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The doors closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the doors light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the doors opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother..."
February 13, 2008
A blonde was driving home from work one day and as she approached her subdivision she noticed smoke billowing above the houses in the direction of her home. When she arrived home she discovered that it was indeed her house that was on fire. She ran to the back and into the kitchen where she called 911 to report the fire. They transferred her to the fire department and when the fireman answered the phone she screamed hysterically that her house was on fire and for them to please come quick.
The fireman said, "Calm down, lady. How do we get to your house?"
She replied "Well, don't you guys still have that big red truck?"
February 12, 2008
Ancient Japanese proverb
Mary sends this amusing image.
If you can't read Japanese easily, tilt your head to the right.
February 11, 2008
A pretty bad one
I heard this feghoot from Glenn last Saturday night.
Kermit the Frog goes to a bank and tells the receptionist he needs to talk to a loan officer. The receptionist offers him a chair and calls the loan department.
In a few minutes, a loan officer shows up and introduces herself as Patricia Black. "Pleased to meet you," says Kermit. "I'm Kermit Jagger."
"Jagger?" replied Ms. Black. "I thought you were always called just Kermit the Frog."
"I added the Jagger after Mick adopted me," said Kermit. "We both thought it was a nice touch... But I'm here to talk to you about borrowing $50,000. Do you think you can help me?"
"That depends on the circumstances," said Ms. Black. "You're very well-known, of course, but the bank will still require some type of collateral to secure the loan."
"I've got this," Kermit told her as he handed her a small crystal figurine of Miss Piggy.
"Hmm..." said Ms. Black dubiously. She thought a moment and then told him, "Let me see what the bank president has to say about this."
So she took the figurine with her to the president's office. Once inside, she told the president, "Kermit the Frog wants to borrow $50,000 and offered me this lame little figurine as collateral. Should I tell him to take a hike?"
"Figurine?!" exclaimed the president of the bank. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone."
February 08, 2008
Bill sends an oldie that's worth a reprise. In his message, it was attributed to David Kamerschen, PhD, at the University of Georgia. When I checked to see if there was such a person, I found Mr. Kamerschen's page at the UGa site. It contained this amusing disclaimer at the top of the page:
Contrary to Internet folklore, Dr. Kamerschen is NOT the author of "Tax Cuts: A Simple Lesson in Economics." Additionally, he does NOT know who wrote it.But it's a good tale even if it wasn't written by a PhD economist. And particularly timely, given the 'tax rebate' nonsense being debated in DC.
Suppose that every day ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay US federal taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement. Until one day the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80."
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got $1 out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"But he got $10!"
"Yeah, that"s right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It"s unfair that he got ten times more than I!"
"That"s true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn"t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
Then the nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn"t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn"t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
February 05, 2008
Carol sends this funny description of the difference between a woman's friends and a man's friends.
Friendship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over; the other two told her he was still there.
February 04, 2008
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the pizza parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill.
The Yogi asked, "Don't I get change?"
"Change must come from within," said the proprietor.
January 31, 2008
Brother can you spare a Benjamin
A panhandler asks a passerby, "Can you spare a hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?"
"But coffee's only a dollar."
"I know," said the panhandler. "But I can't go into a restaurant dressed like this."
January 30, 2008
The men's room of the Nines Pizzeria in Ithaca, NY is renowned for its humorous graffiti. I found the following "dialogue", written in two different handwritings, there.
"Bread not Bombs" [accompanied by pictures of a bomb with the letters "USA" and a loaf of bread]
"We tried bread, found it would not explode."
Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom in Wisconsin: "My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
January 29, 2008
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science - engineering school) and the teaching assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room, I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like "What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more slowly," I protested.
"No, it wouldn't," the TA explained calmly. "Because you're too far away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha!"You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, didn't you ?" I countered, "Why didn't they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy boots," he responded, as if this made perfect sense. (Remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different worlds, and did not speak each other's language, so I gave up. As we left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time, but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake." To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go, will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing heavy boots."
I say science education must be at an all time peak!
January 28, 2008
Over the limit
Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning. As they staggered downstairs next day, they found their young children finishing off all that they could find and looking the worse for wear.
Not knowing what else to do, the father suggested taking them out in the car for some fresh air to help sober them up. A traffic policeman, seeing the car going round and round the block for no reason, pulled them over and gave the father a breathalyzer test. The meter showed positive. While matters were being sorted out, one of the children asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyser. The meter again showed positive.
"Damn!" said the policeman, "Another faulty meter!"
He then apologized to the driver for stopping the father and drove off without another word.
God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be,
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me! - Woodrow Wilson
There was a young girl from Shanghai,
Who was so exceedingly shy,
That undressing at night,
She turned out the light
For fear of the All-seeing Eye. - Bertrand Russell
The thoughts of the rabbit on sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For the rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as a person suspects.
An amoeba named Sam and his brother
Were having a drink with each other.
In the midst of their quaffing
They split their sides laughing.
And each of them now is a mother.
There was a young fellow named Chris
Whose sex life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than t
January 24, 2008
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed, he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to say this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife. And if he doesn't put at least fifty dollars in the collection plate this morning, I will reveal his name."
Later, as he counted the offering, the preacher found 18 fifty-dollar bills - and a twenty-dollar bill with a note clipped to it reading, "Hold your peace and I'll have the other thirty to you before sundown."
January 23, 2008
On the course
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are out on the golf course one day.
The priest says, "When we reach the next green, let's throw our money into the air. Whatever falls outside the green, we keep; whatever lands on the green, we give to God."
The minister says, "I have a better idea: why don't we keep what lands on the green."
"Tell you what," the rabbi says. "Let's just throw the money up and whatever God wants, he can keep from falling back."
January 20, 2008
Libby Keenan says, "This truly happened in a class I was teaching."
I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes. However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return.
A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So I went back to see what the problem was... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN.
January 18, 2008
And perfect speech too
An elderly Jewish couple attended a seance and attempted to contact the husband's older brother. They concentrated, heard a few weird noises, and then suddenly a voice filled the room. "Al, Evelyn - this is Harry."
"My God!" Evelyn said. "Is that really you, Harry?"
"You're really in Heaven?" Al asked.
"That's right, Al."
"Have you seen anybody else up there?"
"The whole family - Uncle Morris, Aunt Ruth, everybody."
"I have another question," Al said. "When did you learn how to talk such a good English?"
The weather probably has many of you anticipating going to the golf course when warm weather returns. Until those happy days arrive, here's an alternative.
1 Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. There is no standard hole size. Unlike outdoor golf, most players enjoy the challenge of the smallest possible hole for the tightest shot.
5. For the most effective play, the club should have a stiff shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
6. Course owner has the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7. It will be necessary to take as many strokes as are needed to satisfy the course owner. Failure to do so may cause player to be barred from the course.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. It is customary to admire the entire course, paying close attention to the well-formed bunkers and carefully trimmed bushes.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played to the course owner. Course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
10. Special permission may be required in order to play more than one hole on the same course.
11. Players should be sure the match is properly scheduled, especially when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players may take exception to someone else playing what they think is their private course.
12. Some course owners may put a hole out of bounds on certain days of the month. Advanced players may attempt alternate holes during that period.
13. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match.
14. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score to other players. Players who have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are advised against informing the course owner of play on other courses. Such revelations may result in cancelled contract and suit for damages.
January 17, 2008
A mutually beneficial transaction
A bear approached a trapper in the woods and asked what he was looking for.
"I'm after a nice fur coat for myself," the trapper told the bear. "How about you?"
"I'd like a nice breakfast. I tell you what: let's go into the cave and discuss it."
So they went into the bear's cave and everything worked out fine. In a half hour the bear had his breakfast and the trapper was in a nice fur coat.
January 16, 2008
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked for a couple of dollars for food. The woman took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No way. I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman said.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead?” she asked.
“Shopping?” the homeless woman laughed. “I spend all my time trying to stay alive. I don't even think about shopping.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” she asked.
“Are you NUTS!?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven't had my hair done in 10 years!”
“Well,” the first woman said, "I've changed my mind... I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless woman was shocked. “Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
“That's perfectly okay," the other woman replied. "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up wine, shopping, and hair appointments.”
New grape hybrid
Wine for mature drinkers.
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
January 15, 2008
A great idea
Mahatma Gandhi was on an important mission to London, one of those occasions when the British were trying to bargain the pacifist out of another fast. Leaving the first session, Gandhi was greeted by a dozen reporters. One of them asked, "What do you think of Western civilization?"
"I think it would be a good idea!" Gandhi answered.
January 14, 2008
It was the shank of the night. The guests were leaving one by one. At the door a departing guest shook the hand of Chico Marx, the host, and said, "I would like to say good-bye to your wife."
Marx asked, "Who wouldn't?"
January 11, 2008
A short anecdote to get you thinking about spring training.
Marv Throneberry was one of those ballplayers who seemed to have an aversion to catching balls hit at or thrown to him. His manager, the baseball legend Casey Stengel, was presented with a birthday cake one day.
Throneberry pouted and asked, "I had a birthday the other day. Why didn't somebody give me a cake?"
Stengel answered, "We would have, but we was afraid you'd drop it."
January 10, 2008
More about that secret
The oldest man in the country was asked how he managed to reach 100.
He answered, "I stayed away from women until I was 12!"
January 09, 2008
A hairy problem
At the start of his career, the famous attorney Clarence Darrow was involved in a trial during which the opposing attorney kept referring to him as 'this beardless youth' in an obvious attempt to discredit Darrow.
When Darrow's turn came, he told the jury a story about the king of Spain. The king sent a young emissary to the king of France to discuss important matters. The French king was livid. "Does the Spanish king think so little of France," he screamed, "that he sends a beardless boy to me?"
"Your Majesty," the emissary answered, "had my sovereign known that you imputed wisdom to a beard, he would have sent a goat."
January 08, 2008
There's a simple secret to long life: get to be 100 - and then be very careful.
January 07, 2008
The accountant's problem
Alex was an accountant. Even though it wasn't tax season, he felt worn out. He went to his doctor for a check-up. The doctor asked him, "How often do you have sex?"
"Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday."
"I suggest you eliminate Thursday."
"That's impossible. It's the only night I'm home."
January 04, 2008
2007 Darwin Awards
They've been collecting these reports all year but in year-end-review spirit, you can find the ones for 2007 here.
(23 June 2007, Illinois) Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life.
The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware it hit anyone.
January 03, 2008
Mrs. Clay and her friend go to the police to report that Mr. Clay had disappeared. Mrs. Clay describes him as being six-two, 180 pounds, wide-shouldered, brown-haired and the closest thing there is to a 40-year-old life guard.
As they leave, her friend says, "What kind of description was that? Your husband is 72 and doesn't have a hair on his head."
Mrs. Clay says, "Who wants that one back?"
Shopping at WalMart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their wills.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her shopping trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men - he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women - she loved to browse.
After a few months of this, Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local WalMart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares... Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When an associate offered to help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
January 02, 2008
What's a picnic without ants?
One aardvark is telling another about a field of ants that he discovered.
"I'm telling you," he says, "you could have a picnic."
December 29, 2007
One born every minute
The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.
Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black house cat inside, along with a note which read:
Maine cherries are black.
There's a sucker born every minute...
Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)
December 22, 2007
An oldie excerpted from the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch. Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School and Dublin's Chapman Elementary to complete a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing.
-If you can't stand the heat, get A POOL.
-If you can't stand the heat, get OUT OF THE OVEN
-A bird in the hand is MESSY.
-Don't count your chickens EAT THEM.
-You can't teach an old dog new MATH.
-When in Rome, do ROMAN NUMERALS IN MATH.
-Too many cooks, SO LITTLE MEALS.
-A fool and his money are MY BEST FRIENDS.
-A penny saved is ONE CENT.
-Look before you RUN INTO A POLE.
-A watched pot never DISAPPEARS.
-A rolling stone MAKES YOU FLAT.
-Every cloud has a WET SPOT.
December 17, 2007
Here's an old one from the rec.humor.funny newsgroup.
My brother tells that he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together this morning and eavesdropped on their conversation:
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit ENTER.
Little brother: ENTER?
Big brother: I mean "flush".
December 15, 2007
Stages of saintliness
There are 4 stages of life related to Saint Nick:
1. When you believe in Santa.
2. When you don't believe in Santa.
3. When you are Santa.
4. When you look like Santa.
Here's an old one I found in the JDJ e-mail archives.
Match the license plate to the occupation:
|1.____ NOO 4 NUU||A. Alchemist|
|2.____ T8RST8R||B. Clockmaker|
|3.____ 210 CP,M||C. Dentist|
|4.____ RUPNOK||D. Egyptologist|
|5.____ PB N2 AU||E. Idaho Farmer|
|6.____ 2N2R4||F. Lawyer|
|7.____ A2THDR||G. Lumberjack|
|8.____ AV8R||H. Math Teacher|
|9.____ ISU4U||I. Optometrist|
|10____ NML FXR||J. Orthodontist|
|11____ SSSSTER||K. Pilot|
|12____ ISTR8NM||L. Reporter|
|13____ 10SLBO||M. Tennis Pro (retired)|
|14____ 2CCME||N. Urologist|
|15____ H82BL8||O. Veterinarian|
December 13, 2007
Our local hippies are growing old. A graffito here reads: MAKE TEA NOT WAR.
December 11, 2007
This in from the journal Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, August 1991 issue.
While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young woman, I asked her whether her partner was circumcised. My query drew only a blank look. I rephrased the question in what I felt was a clever and tactful manner : "When he doesn't have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?"
Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response : "I've never seen him without an erection."
I felt rather "obsolete" the rest of the day.
December 06, 2007
No chicken for him
The proprietor of a Chinese restaurant left early one day to attend an employee's bachelor party. He returned home many hours later, crawled into bed and, feeling randy, woke his wife and asked for a little 69.
"It's three o'clock in the morning," she hissed, "and you want chicken and broccoli?!"
November 29, 2007
It's a small world
An elderly English couple were visiting New York and they hailed a cab. It isn't long before the driver started talking to them, but the wife couldn't hear well because she was nearly deaf.
Driver: You're British, aren't you?
Man: Aye, we are.
Wife: What did he say?
Man: He asked if we were English and I said we were.
Driver: I was in England, during the war.
Man: Oh aye.
Wife: What did he say?
Man: He said he was in England during the war.
Driver: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
Man: Yes, that's where we come from.
Wife: What did he say?
Man: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley.
Driver: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
Man: Aye, I know it.
Wife: What did he say?
Man: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did.
Driver: You know, it was in those woods that I had the worst lay I've ever had in my entire life.
Wife: What did he say?
Man: He says he knows you.
November 27, 2007
A little girl is about to go to bed and she says her prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace." The next day her dog falls down, stone dead.
About a week later, she is again saying her bedtime prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace." During school the following day, her brother drops dead.
Not many days later, she is about to go to bed and she prays: "God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace." The next morning, her mother opens the door to find the milkman dead on the doorstep.
November 16, 2007
Plenty of time
My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local phone office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear which of us was next.
When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."
I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."
Then he replied, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
November 15, 2007
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk by carrying his bag. In large letters on a sticker on the bag was the word "CAUTION."
Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick."
November 13, 2007
Q: How is bungee jumping like visiting a hooker?
1) They're both expensive.
2) They both last only a few minutes.
3) If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
November 12, 2007
"Give us a copper, Gov," said the beggar to the Treasury statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days."
"I see," said the statistician. "And how does that compare with the same period last year?"
November 09, 2007
A practical statistician
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the dean's wastebasket.
"I know what to do!" says the physicist. "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No, no, no! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?!"
"Trying to get an adequate sample size."
November 08, 2007
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Sarah explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes grew big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'd lose my license. They'd throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not! I will not sell you any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture for a bit and then said, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Thanks to Carol.
November 06, 2007
A volunteer fire brigade in Sweden went out to rescue a cat that was high up in a tree. After working several hours they managed to get the animal down. The older lady who owned the cat was happy and promised to serve the brave men a cup of coffee.
The chief said, "Thanks, but we have to go back to the station."
So they climbed up in their fire engines and drove away, running over the cat.
November 05, 2007
Carol sends this collection of smart remarks.
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Another flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub."
(more to come)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "Uh, no ma'am... They're dead."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A trucker was driving along the freeway when he saw a sign reading, "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knew it, the bridge was dead ahead of him and he ended up stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of the car, walked over to the truck, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
"No, I was just delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and said, "Well, I guess in that case you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
November 02, 2007
The perception of impropriety
Lou sends this funny yarn:
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed Monitor of Morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He didn't say a word.
Later that evening, Frank drove to Millie's house, quietly parked his pickup in front and walked home, leaving it there all night.
You gotta love Frank!
November 01, 2007
His next wife
A couple who have been married for 20-odd years is preparing for bed when the following conversation takes place. The wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
"That's a morbid question!" he replies.
"No, I really want to know."
(After a pause to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might remarry."
"Would she live in our house?"
"Well, the mortgage is almost paid off... Would you really expect me to move?"
"Would she wear my mink coat?"
"You know I paid $3,500 for that coat. Should I sell it at a loss?"
"Well, would she drive my BMW?"
"No. Absolutely not... She doesn't even know how to drive a stick shift!"
October 31, 2007
Last Halloween, my wife was handling candy duty when a trio of children, costumed as a witch, a pumpkin, and a princess, arrived at the door. She had spent some time arranging the lollipops, candy bars and other sweets in a metal bowl and was quite proud of the results. The three children said "Trick of Treat!", and as she presented the bowl, they were clearly impressed.
"Whooooaaaaa!" they all marveled in unison.
My wife beamed, offering each child two pieces of candy. As the children were walking away from the door, my wife overheard one of them saying, "See, they really go for that 'whoa' thing!"
October 30, 2007
For all you over-achievers
What does it mean to "give 100%"? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
So what makes up 100% in life? Here's a mathematical approach that might help you answer these questions.
If we substitute
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z,
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%.
Now look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.
So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass-kissing that will put you over the top.
Posted by joke du jour at 06:47 PM
October 26, 2007
Saving the airlines
Since I'm on the subject of the Clintons, here's an oldie from Lou
How to Save the Airlines:
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Do I still have to do everything myself?
October 25, 2007
First things first
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. While discretely admiring her, he noticed her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious fasteners -- no zippers or buttons or anything else that he could spot.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me, miss, but how do you get into those pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you could start by buying me a drink..."
October 24, 2007
What more did you want?
During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rose so high in one town that the national guard started evacuating all the residents. One man stayed behind, however, and when the water was waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motored past his house, checking for people left behind.
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man said, "No, don't bother; I have faith that the Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrugged their shoulders and motored away. Later, when the water level had driven the man onto his roof, another boat appeared.
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"
But the man sent them away again saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"
The water level kept rising until the man was standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, making a final check, appeared overhead. A rope dropped and the loudspeaker said, "Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"
But the man waved the helicopter away once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"
But the water level kept rising, and he was drowned.
When he got to Heaven, he was completely bewildered. He asked God, "God, why didn't you save me?"
And God said, "Well, I did send you two boats and a helicopter..."
October 19, 2007
Carol sends this Letter to Alcohol (but you shouldn't assume that she's the author :-)
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, the beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden in the chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). But lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unacceptable consequences.
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 AM can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal. But why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat) AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), then the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provoker of much laughter, and a helpful companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 PM [pre-Happy Hour] on your possible solutions. Hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Your Biggest Fan
October 18, 2007
Moses returned from the mountain and said unto his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."
October 17, 2007
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't... No one wants to hear me sing
October 16, 2007
Bob, a 70-year-old and extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're even more amazed. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Drama in the courtroom
A story from Bill.
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a St Louis County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two court recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the St Louis Rams, who he firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Hey, the Chiefs are in first place. :-)
October 15, 2007
A middle-aged couple were discussing their plans. "When I'm eighty," the man said to his wife, "I plan on finding myself a pretty twenty-year-old and having myself a real fine time."
The wife is a bit fazed by this but she thinks of a clever riposte. "And when I'm eighty, I plan on finding myself a handsome twenty-year-old, too... And twenty goes into eighty more times than eighty goes into twenty!"
October 10, 2007
A man had a very painful elbow. He went to see his doctor, who told him to rest it. No treatment was required, it was just tennis elbow.
Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the building and found the terminal and there were no people in sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card through the slot to pay the $150 fee. When he had done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The instructions on the screen said, "Provide urine specimen and insert bottle into slot on left." He did that and a few seconds later, the screen read:
Diagnosis: Tennis elbow
Now he wasn't very happy at spending $150 just hear the same thing his doctor had told him. So he thought, "I can get the better of this machine."
He went home, took a bottle and put some of his dog's droppings, some of his daughter's urine, some crankcase oil from his car and some of his own semen into a bottle and he mixed them thoroughly. Then he went back to the automated medical center.
He waved his card through the slot, answered the questions again and poured his mixture into the sample bottle when asked. There was a very long pause this time.
About 15 minutes later, the screen read.
1. Your dog has rabies
2. Your daughter is pregnant
3. Your car is going to throw a rod soon
4. If you don't stop wanking, your tennis elbow will never get better.
October 09, 2007
A matter of faith
Lou sends this funny story.
A man started construction on a new tavern in a small, conservative town. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the pub from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed on the new tavern, though, right up till the week before opening - when a lightning strike hit the building and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the tavern owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building: either through direct or indirect actions and/or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility for or any connection to the building's destruction in its reply to the court.
When the case came up for a hearing, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
October 08, 2007
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist suggests that they start off with a Rorschach test. So he holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture. "A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; with the man saying he sees a couple making love in every one of the pictures. At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It seems like you have a preoccupation with sex."
"Me?" says the patient. "You're the one with the dirty pictures!"
October 05, 2007
Well, whaddaya know?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, "Would you like to talk? I've heard that flights go quicker if you can strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thought about it and finally said, "Hmm... I have no idea."
So the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you obviously don't know shit?"
October 03, 2007
A real trouble-shooter
Three women go down to Mexico to celebrate their graduation from college. One night, they partied a little too much and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed that day. None of them could remember what they did the night before, so they didn't know how to dispute the charges against them.
The first one, a redhead, was strapped in the electric chair and asked if she had any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe with all my heart in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The jailers threw the switch and nothing happened. They all immediately fell to the floor on their knees, begged for forgiveness, and then released her.
The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were: "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to protect the innocent."
Again they threw the switch and again, nothing happened. So they released the brunette too.
The last woman, a blonde, was strapped in and she told the jailers, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering. And I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody if ya don't plug that thing in."
September 29, 2007
Carol sent this collection of funny quips. Naturally, I'm not vouching for their veracity - I'm just enjoying their humorous nature.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
September 26, 2007
They can't take that away from me
At the end of a magnificent piano recital by a Spanish virtuoso, Gershwin's companion turned to him and said enthusiastically, "Isn't he great, George?"
"Yes, he's a genius," agreed the composer. "A Spanish Gershwin."
Oscar Levant was a pianist who was a close friend of Gershwin's.
After Gershwin's death an admirer with musical aspirations wrote an elegy for him and took it to Oscar Levant. Levant reluctantly agreed to hear the piece. After the man had finished playing it, he turned to Levant, looking for his approval. "I think," said Levant, "it would have been better if you had died and Gershwin had written the elegy."
September 25, 2007
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours him a drink.
He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
He downs that one and says, "Better give me another drink before the trouble starts."
Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?"
The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I don't have any money."
September 24, 2007
Going to Dublin
A guy walks into a bar in Cork and asks the barman, "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"
"Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman.
"Driving," says the man.
"And that's the quickest way," answers the barman.
September 19, 2007
So this guy walked into a bar and ordered a drink. When it was finished, he looked in his pocket and ordered another. After a bit, he looked in his pocket again and ordered still another drink.
Naturally, this made the bartender curious so he asked the guy, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?"
"It's a picture of my wife," said the customer. "When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."
August 24, 2007
Thanks for the tip
In a one-priest Irish Catholic parish everybody knew everybody else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. After hearing Timmy's sins the priest said, "Timmy, I have it on good advice that you're fooling around with one of the married women in the parish."
Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy," he said, "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?"
"No, Father, I hardly know the woman!"
"All right then Timmy. Is it Mrs. O'Connell?"
"Mrs. O'Connell! Father she's the wife of one of my very best friends! I'd never lay hands on her!"
"Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience. Is it Mrs. O'Hara?"
"No, Father, I wouldn't dream of...".
"Timmy! I don't want to hear it. You've come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess to me who it is."
On his way out, Timmy met a good friend of his on his way to confession. The friend asked Timmy, "Is the Father in a good mood today?"
"He's in a grand mood! He gave me a month off and three good leads."
August 20, 2007
A new diet
After feeling ill for a number of months, a man finally decided to visit his doctor. The doctor performed a thorough physical. After reviewing all the test results he asked the patient to get dressed and come in to his private office.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got HAGS," the doctor said.
"Gee, Doc, I've never heard of that. What is it?"
"It's a combination of hepatitis, AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis."
"What can you give me for it?"
"Well, for starters, we'll put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes."
"Will that cure me ?" asked the patient.
"Probably not. But they're the only things we can slide under a door."
August 16, 2007
A dramatic entrance
King George VI and Queen Elizabeth went to see a Noel Coward-Gertrude Lawrence production at a London theater. As they entered the royal box, the whole audience rose to its feet to honor them. Gertrude Lawrence, standing in the wings, said, "What an entrance!"
"What a part!" said Coward.
From The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes
August 09, 2007
Another maxim bites the dust
Someone once said a million monkeys using a million keyboards could reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare.
Thanks to MySpace, we now know that to be entirely false.
- Brandon W.
August 07, 2007
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. An old man walked by and one of the grannies yelled out to him, "We can tell exactly how old you are!"
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess that, you old fools."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age." A little embarrassed, the old man dropped his drawers.
The grannies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, then asked him to jump up and down for a little while. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The ornery old grannies snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning, all three yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday."
August 06, 2007
An old geek joke but still timely...
It occurred to me a while ago that Unix is much like the U.S. Government:
A long time ago, a few brilliant men created a system that empowered its users, gave them freedom, and provided a few essential services.
Now the system's old, slow, easily corrupted, overly restrictive, too large and confusing for anyone to understand, plagued with inconsistencies, and run by men who only care about money.
August 02, 2007
Saving the world
Q: What's the difference between fundamentalists and environmentalists?
A: Fundamentalists have been trying to save the world the same way for hundreds of years. Environmentalists have a new way every month.
July 31, 2007
Madame de Gaulle
An anecdote told of Charles de Gaulle's wife:
Lunching with English friends at the time of her husband's retirement, Madame de Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to in the years ahead.
"A penis," she replied without hesitation.
The embarrassed silence that followed was broken by the former president. "My dear," he murmured, "I think the English don't pronounce the word quite like that. It's 'appiness.'
July 27, 2007
It's not easy to be politically correct
Paraphrased from the July 1, 1992 issue of "The Chronicle of Higher Education"
Women's Studies Group, Hoping to Heal Wounds, Finds More Conflict
This year's annual meeting of the National Women's Studies Association was supposed to heal fractures that crippled the organization...
Within half an hour of the opening of the conference... the keynote speaker had offended lesbian women by making what were described as heterosexist remarks. Other women complained that a white woman should not have been selected to start [the] conference.
Then meeting organizers apologized to Jewish conferees who had been inconvenienced by the Friday-night session.
Later that evening, some "eco-feminists"... complained that every meal served at the conference included meat.
Finally, one conferee complained that participants should be asked to forgo hair spray and perfume, which allergy sufferers might find irritating.
Said Ms. Wilma Boddie-Beaman of NWSA's steering committee "If I had my wish, we would stop comparing ourselves to other organizations. We're different."
- Bob Matthews
Note: I think this is straight news. At least, the NWSA is real.
July 24, 2007
The inhabitants of a remote village were very dissatisfied with the quality of the local drinking water. After years of fruitless complaints to the local authorities, the villagers chipped in, got enough money together to pay for a test, and sent a sample of the water to a laboratory for testing.
A few weeks later they got the result of the test. It said: "Your horse has diabetes."
July 17, 2007
A living will
While watching a football game awhile back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.
I told her," Just in case it ever comes up, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.
July 13, 2007
I'm not sure if I'm ready to have children. I asked a friend of mine who has children, "Suppose I do have kids. What if when they grow up, they blame me for everything that's wrong with their lives?"
She laughed and said, "What do you mean, if?"
I ran across this in Ted Chiang's Nebula-winning tale Story of Your Life.
July 06, 2007
The Entire Corpus
On his way to Stockholm for the Nobel prize-giving ceremony, [T.S.] Eliot was interviewed by a reporter who asked him for which of his works the prize had been awarded. Eliot replied that he believed it was for the entire corpus. "And when did you publish that?" asked the reporter.
Eliot observed afterward that The Entire Corpus might make rather a good title for a mystery story.
From the Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.
June 22, 2007
A tough job
The journal Scientific American once ran a competition for the best exposition of relativity in three thousand words. A prize of several thousand dollars was at stake.
"I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who is not entering," remarked Einstein ruefully. "I don't believe I could do it."
From the Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.
June 21, 2007
Rest in peace
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. And being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord!" and "Glory!" Inspired, I preached and preached like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before... And I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
June 15, 2007
The Jogger's Prayer
Almighty God, as we sail with pure aerobic grace and striped orthotic feet past the blind portals of our fellow citizens, past their chuckroast lives and their necrotic cardiovascular systems and rusting hips and slipped discs and desiccated lungs, past their implacable inertia and inability to rise above the fully pensioned world they live in and to push themselves to the limits of their capacity and achieve the White Moment of slipping through The Wall, past their cruisomatic cars and upholstered lawn mowers and their gummy-sweet children already at work like little fat factories producing arterial plaque, the more quickly to join their parents in their joyless bucket-seat landau ride toward the grave--help us, dear Lord, we beseech Thee as we sail past this cold-lard desolation, to be big about it.
I ran across this in Russell Baker's Book of American Humor.
June 14, 2007
A man from New York City decided that he really wanted to become a great hunter. To do this, he decided that he should apprentice himself to the greatest hunter in northern Maine, the legendary Jacques Leblanc.
He drives as close to Jacques' home as he can, then hikes fifteen miles through the woods to find Jacques' cabin. He knocks on the door, introduces himself, and explains why he is there.
Jacques, lonely after all those years of living alone in the woods, welcomes the company and the challenge of turning this city slicker into a hunter. "Why don't you grab that water bucket and go over the next hill to get some water out of the river?"
The man grabs the bucket and disappears over the hill. About fifteen minutes later, he comes running back into the cabin, breathless, and without the bucket.
"Where's the bucket?" asks Jacques.
"You won't believe what happened! I was just filling the bucket when the biggest bear I've ever seen - he must have been bathing in the river - gets up on his haunches... not more than twenty feet from me... looks at me and growls! I just dropped the bucket and ran like hell back here."
"You have a lot to learn. That bear was just as scared of you as you were of it. Now go back and get the bucket and the water."
"You mean that the bear was really that scared?"
"Sure he was."
"Then, you don't want to drink that water."
June 11, 2007
Charles Edison, Thomas Edison's son, was
governer governor of New Jersey from 1941 to 1944.
Campaigning for the governorship in 1940, Edison was anxious to dssociate himself from his father's renown. "I would not have anyone believe I am trading on the name Edison," he would explain as he introduced himself.
"I would rather have you know me merely as the result of one of my father's earlier experiments."
From the Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes.
June 05, 2007
Sin and atonement
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that economist gets to spend it with that gorgeous woman."
A demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
June 01, 2007
Gimme a double
I met an older woman at a club last night. She wasn't bad looking for being 57. We drank a bit, danced a little and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double -- a threesome with a mother and daughter.
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. So we went back to her place.
She turned the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom? You still awake?"
May 30, 2007
A bit of tail
A middle-aged wife looked out of her window and saw her husband with a kite. He threw it in the air, it floated, then wobbled, and crashed into the ground. Again and again, he threw it; it wobbled and crashed into the ground.
Thnking that men are very incompentent sometimes, she called out to her husband, "What you need is a piece of tail!"
Her husband replied, "Well, make up your mind. Yesterday you told me to go fly a kite!"
May 24, 2007
Love in Paris
This comes from Art Buchwald's book I'll Always Have Paris.
I was not witness to the following story, but I like to believe it was true.
A wealthy lover gave his lady friend, who was married to someone else, a gorgeous fur coat. The woman tried it on and went wild with joy. The only problem was how to explain it to her husband.
Then she had an idea. She took it to the Gare St-Lazare in a large white box and checked it into a locker. She went home, and in the course of the evening said to her husband, "I just found this railroad check on the sidewalk. Why don't you stop by on your way home from work and see if it has any value?"
The next day, the husband took the check and on his way home he stopped by the Gare St-Lazare and turned it in. He opened the white box and saw the beautiful coat. He grabbed a taxi and took it to his mistress and gave it to her. Then he bought an umbrella and took it home. He said to his wife, "This is all there was."
May 21, 2007
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two talking parrots, which are males, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Paul and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... er, that phrase.. in no time."
"Thank you," the woman replied, "that may very well be the solution." So the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and reciting prayers. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other male and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Paul! Our prayers have been answered!"
May 17, 2007
Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on luggage because of their cost and poor baggage handling by the airlines. This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings.
A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over his shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the newly-hired inspector had no idea what she was looking at and demanded that he open the container for inspection. Well, the jumper argued and supervisors were called and pilots were contacted, and so on. The jumper finally convinced everyone that he was not a threat and was allowed to board with his parachute.
During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard the conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across the aisle from the jumper on the same flight. The older man turned to his wife and said, "Martha, that fella has a parachute in that backpack," pointing to the rig as the jumper placed it under the seat.
The old lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the jumper and said, "Pardon me, young man, but is that really a parachute?"
The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode, turned to the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you yours?"
May 10, 2007
The farmer's son
A little rustic humor from Lou.
An Alabama farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He's gone to town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my girl Clara Mae pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You have to talk to Pa about that," he finally said. "I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog. But I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
May 03, 2007
Vive la Différence
A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little boy from Maine was playing with his cousin, a little girl. Since it was so hot, they stripped and waded in the creek for a while.
As they were sunning themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "Ya know, Ah never knew there was such a diff'rence between you Yankees and us South'ners."
May 02, 2007
More Q & A
Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him to get the next batter.
Q: What form of birth control do most lawyers use?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a new puppy and a Cubs fan?
A: The puppy will eventually stop whining.
Q: What do you call the shock absorbers in a Yugo?
Q: How can you tell when your divorce is getting ugly ?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What did the doe say as she stumbled out of the forest?
A: "That's the last time I ever do that for ten bucks!"
Q: How many bureaucrats doe it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork, and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Q: What do managers and sperm have in common?
A: Only one in 100,000 actually works.
Q: What's the ultimate in courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: You'd poke your eye out if they weren't!
Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
April 30, 2007
Blood will tell
A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations. He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself. He could not believe that such a similarity could exist without a genetic link. So, guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid at this estate?"
"No," replied the guest, "but my father was once the gardener."
April 28, 2007
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, bleary eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, bumps his head getting in, and drives over the curb on the way out of the parking lot.
Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop pulls him over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests. The driver has trouble understanding some of the tests and fails them all miserably: he can't touch his nose, he can't walk straight, he can't stand on one foot and he can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light.
In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light - the guy's blood alcohol level is within legal limits.
"All right," asks the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"
"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."
April 26, 2007
Take a warning
A blind man wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a few minutes, he yells out, "Hey, anyone wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- since you're blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. 2.The bouncer is a blonde who's taking boxing lessons. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Well, no... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
April 24, 2007
So there's this bar in Gotham where all the comic book super heroes hang out. Last Friday night Spiderman and Superman were sitting at a table in the corner having a couple of cold ones. Superman asked, "So what's new with you, Spidey?"
Spiderman replied, "Nothing special, just the same old stuff... fighting crime and foiling the bad guys. How about you, man? Anything exciting happen lately?"
Superman replied, "Well, come to think of it, last weekend I was just flying around the city and you'll never guess who I saw."
"It was our old friend Wonder Woman," replied Superman. "She was out in her yard lying on her back, sunbathing in the nude."
"What a picture!" said Spiderman. "So what did you do?"
"Well," said Superman, "I couldn't help myself. I ripped off my cape and my leotards and swooped down right on top of her."
"Man, I'll bet she was really surprised!" said Spiderman.
"Yeah, she was," said Superman. "But not nearly as surprised as the Invisible Man was."
April 14, 2007
Here's your sign...
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.
The girl at the counter replied, "The hot fudge comes in one temperature only, sir."
April 11, 2007
Improved warning labels
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
(From Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.)
April 10, 2007
La Boite Bleue
This has been one of my favorite geek stories for years.
Translated from the memoirs of Jean Turing-VonNeuman, a minor 19th century post-impressionist programmer.
I will never forget that Spring, that day. Paris had an air of revolution. The week before an exhibition of Seraut's listings had caused a sensation. In his unrelenting quest for simplicity he had reduced all of programming to three machine instructions. The resulting 6,000 line bubble sort had shocked the critics.
My own recent efforts had been received poorly. I had cut and slashed through my programs, juxtaposing blocks of code in a way that exposed the underlying intensity of the algorithm without regard to convention or syntax.
"But it doesn't compile," they complained.
As if programming was about adhering to their primitive language definitions. As if it was my duty to live within the limits of their antiquated and ordinary compilers. So it was that I came that day to La Boite Bleue, seeking solace and companionship.
La Boite Bleue was where we gathered in those days. The wine there was cheap, the tables were large and they kept a complete set of language manuals behind the bar.
As I entered I heard Henri's measured accents above the din. "...that complexity is not the salient characteristic of exemplary style."
Toulouse-Lautrec was seated at a table spread with greenbar. Manet, redfaced, loomed over him. "Damm your recursion, Henri. Iteration, however complex, is always more efficient."
Manet stormed away from the table in the direction of the bar. He always seemed angry at that time. Partly because his refusal to write in anything but FORTRAN isolated him from the rest of the avant-garde, partly because people kept confusing him with Monet. Henri motioned to me to join him at the table."Have you heard from Vincent recently?"
We were all concerned about Van Gogh. Only a few days before he had completed an order n sorting routine that required no additional memory. Unfortunately, because he had written it in C and refused, on principle, to comment his code, no one had understood a line of it. He had not taken it well.
"No. Why?" I asked.
"He and Gaugin had a violent argument last night over whether a side effect should be considered output and he hasn't been seen since. I fear he may have done something ... rash."
We were suddenly interrupted by the waitress's terrified scream. I turned in time to see something fall from the open envelope she held in her hand. Stooping to retrieve it, I was seized by a wave of revulsion as I recognized that the object in my hand, bestially torn from its accustomed place, was the mouse from Van Gogh's workstation. The waitress, who had fainted, lay in an unnoticed heap beside me.
By the evening, the incident had become the talk of Paris.
William A Rennie
Computer Science Department, SUNY at Albany, Albany, NY 12222
April 09, 2007
Division of labor
Little Jimmy was four years old. Ond day he was bugging his mother, so she said to him, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders working. Maybe you'll learn something."
Jimmy was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the goddam door up, and the son-of-a-bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the friggin' thing back down. Then you have to take a hair off each side and put the mother-humper back up."
Jimmy's mother said, "You just wait till your father comes home, young man!" And she sent him to his room.
When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. His dad said, "Jimmy, go outside and get me a switch!"
"Screw you," Jimmy said, "that's the electrician's job!"
April 07, 2007
The following appeared in the 4/29/91 issue of New York magazine. They run a periodic feature called the Competition, where readers are invited to submit humorous entries that conform to a particular topic. In this one, the topic was Collective Nouns.
A plethora of lispers
An overbearance of brood mares
A mingling of broken vases
A tenet of palindromes
A hotbed of quilts
A veneer of newscasters
A brace of orthodontists
A rash of dermatologists
A chain of lynx
A gaggle of censors (or comedians)
An amalgam of dentists
A cast of orthopedists
A slew of retired hit men
A box of pugilists
A concert of yes men
A flash of paparazzi
A bunch of florists
A sum of adders
A set of hairdressers
A herd of otologists
A lot of: salt, realtors, parking attendants, or auctioneers
A column of architects
A ring of jewelers
A great deal of used-car salesmen
March 31, 2007
What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic"?
"Anxiety" occurs the first time you can't do it the second time.
"Panic" occurs the second time you can't do it the first time.
March 28, 2007
A yucca minute
From the Arizona Republic [Phoenix daily], back in the 90s:
Arizona is banking on a new slogan to lure millions of visitors and their dollars to the state. It's 'Arizona - One Grand Adventure After Another.' The slogan, picked from more than 20,000 entries, in a contest sponsored by the Arizona Office of Tourism, was announced Wednesday.
Here are some of the losers:
Arizona - Bring your camera and your Grandma
Arizona - Come on vacation, Leave on probation
Arizona - A Yucca Minute
Arizona - You Never Have to Shovel Sunshine
Arizona - Where you can Have a Dirt Lawn and it's OK
Arizona - Come see it, Pilgrim
Arizona has the hots for you
Arizona - The Happy Jumping Cholla State
Get your AZ over here
Hug a zonie
Arizona - The Zippy Zone
Arizona - It will Thaw Your Chilis
Arizona - Sunny with Scattered Flowers
Arizona - Better than the State You're In
Arizona - It's not Kansas and it never was
The winner won a free houseboat vacation on Lake Powell, most of which is in Utah.
March 27, 2007
8 reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,"They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher w as discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher: she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
March 19, 2007
These two stories appeared in succession on the A (as in Australian) BC-FM radio news in the 90s:
...problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said, "This situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket."
(very brief pause)
Last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match.
March 17, 2007
These appeared here a couple of years ago, but they're worth another go since it's St. Patrick's Day.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it into a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Scuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothin' particular," said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a pure shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irshman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... One of the girls must be quite ill."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave & fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time - same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
March 15, 2007
From "New Explorers", on PBS, 2/18/92:
According to a brain surgeon who does "hemispherectomies" to treat severe seizures:
I had one little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes; we removed her left brain and she still told knock-knock jokes. I had another little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes; we removed her right brain and she still told knock-knock jokes.
So I have to conclude that knock-knock jokes aren't in the brain.
March 10, 2007
Depends on your assumptions
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of 0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist. The answer is 0.
March 08, 2007
Thanks a lot
This one's a little dated, but still pretty funny.
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past twelve months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.
- Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times before getting to the actual message.
- Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cuz I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
- Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve hamburgers in a few hours.
- I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- I no longer check the coin return on payphones because I could be pricked by a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
- I no longer receive packages from or send packages by UPS or FedEx as they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number from which I will receive a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
- I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change when I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
- I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
- I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time).
- I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their email program.
- I can no longer use my credit card in a public place cuz someone with a camera will get the number and charge all kinds of wild things on my credit card.
- I no longer drink beer cuz I need it to wash my hair to make it shiny and lustrous.
- I now walk around with Bounty Sheets sticking out of my ears to keep the mosquitoes away.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor:
If you don't e-mail this to at least 144,000 people in the next seven minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in law's second husband's cousin's beautician and now she has the avian bird flu.
March 05, 2007
What a proposition
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
February 25, 2007
The latest telephone poll taken for Governor Schwarznegger of California, yielded the following results on whether or not people who live in California think "Illegal immigration is a serious problem":
41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it's a serious problem."
59% of the respondents answered: "No es un problema."
H.T. Carol (in Sacramento)
February 09, 2007
Jokes about teachers from a teacher.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead. Go Slow."
TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: Bongani, how do you spell "crocodile"?
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
BONGANI: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America.
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Now, Bongani, tell me frankly: do you say prayers before eating?
BONGANI: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking, when people are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher
February 08, 2007
A man is at work one day when he notices that one of his co-workers is wearing an earring. This co-worker is normally a pretty conservative fellow, so the man is curious about this sudden change in fashion.
He walks up to the co-worker and says, "I didn't know you wore an earring."
"Don't make such a big deal... It's only an earring," the guy replies sheepishly.
The man falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
February 06, 2007
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment,and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es.'"
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
February 01, 2007
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
Tip o' the hat to J.D.
January 30, 2007
Guide for married men
What's the difference is between a hooker, a mistress, and a wife?
The hooker says, "Faster, faster!"
The mistress says, "Slower, slower!"
The wife says, "Blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue..."
January 25, 2007
A real contender
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of pipe, he presented himself at the gate and said "Johnson, the pole vault." And he was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
January 16, 2007
A woman came home, screeched into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
"Oh my God!" her husband yelled back. "Wait... What should I pack?"
"Doesn't matter," she yelled back. "Just get the hell out."
January 15, 2007
An Arkansas man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his pastor. The pastor gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.
January 12, 2007
A doctor told his patient, "I've got some bad news and good news for you. I'll give you the bad news first: you have a very serious disease. On average, only one person in ten with this disease survives."
"What's the good news?" asked the patient.
"My last nine patients died."
January 11, 2007
Look before you leap
Two old guys who were walking down the street one day when one of them looked over and saw a dog at the end of the block, licking its genitals. "Man!" the guy said to his friend. "Don't you wish you could do that?"
"Well," said the other guy, "I think I'd pet him first to see if he's friendly."
January 09, 2007
The right tool for the job
Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving a party for the upper crust and she'd hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid. As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.
Lady C-S, always happy to enlighten one of The Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout. "But... but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the loo, of course"
January 08, 2007
At the vet's
A lady was complaining to her vet that her new St. Bernard always jumped on her and attacked her whenever she stepped out of the shower.
The vet told her, "Well, that's a behavioral problem. What do you want me to do about it?"
"Trim his nails," the woman replied. "They're really uncomfortable."
January 05, 2007
An older couple went to a sex therapist and asked if he would observe them having sex. The doctor agreed; the couple disrobed and got it together on the sofa in his office. When they'd finished the doctor said everything seemed fine to him. The couple then asked if they could have another appointment the following week to have him observe them in a different position. The doctor agreed to this too. Feeling that he hadn't really done much for them, he only charged them only $10 for the visit.
The following week the couple returned and performed in front of the doctor again. When they finished, the doctor said everything seemed fine. He asked if they enjoyed it and they said yes, but they'd like to return the following week for another session.
Over the next few months the couple returned on a weekly basis for a session with the doctor. Each time the doctor and the couple agreed that everything was fine. Finally, after the 14th such session, the doctor told the couple that he really didn't think they had a problem and asked them just exactly what was it they were trying to find out.
The man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. You see, she's married so we can't go to her house and I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Adams Mark charges $82 and Holiday Inn charges $60. But you only charge $10 and Medicare refunds $8."
January 02, 2007
You'd be jolly too
Q. Why is Santa always so jolly?
A. Because he has the list of all the naughty girls.
[I've had this one in the queue since last June and completely missed Christmas... Dang!]
December 31, 2006
Happy New Year
I think women get more excited about New Year¹s Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year¹s Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don¹t keep. You see, men do that all the time. It¹s called dating.
- Jay Leno
December 29, 2006
A woman was frying eggs for her husband's breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said. "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many!
"Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick!
"Careful... I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
December 18, 2006
How to pay a compliment
One day a man was reading Sports Illustrated when he came across another article about some large, dull-looking, muscle-bound athlete who had a fantastically beautiful wife.
Having read one too many of this type of article, he asked to his wife, "Why in the world do the biggest, ugliest, stupidest-looking men always end up with the most beautiful women?!"
His wife replied with a smile, "Why, thank you, dear. That's very nice."
December 13, 2006
Which was to the Egress?
After a meeting at a bar, the couple returned to the woman's apartment for a nightcap. Before long, things turned passionate and the pair headed for the bedroom, clothes flying as they went.
Ten minutes later, the women suddenly sat straight up in bed. "Oh, my God!" she cried. "My husband's coming in the door!"
"Shit," the fellow exclaimed, desperately trying to find his trousers. "Where's the back door ?"
"There is no back door," the woman replied.
"Well," he asked, "where would you like one ?"
December 10, 2006
Very bad Santa... (And bad me; I forgot who sent this one.)
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
December 07, 2006
The secret of DNA
Here's an old one from rec.humor.funny that I've always enjoyed. "How old?" you might ask. Old enough that it will probably be new to many, I'll guess. Unfortunately, I don't know who wrote it.
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
* (C) God
/* Revision history:
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
...and so on.
December 06, 2006
The rabbi's choice
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails.
"Yes," the rabbi said, "I'd like a Manhattan, please."
"No, thank you," the priest said. Turning to explain to his seatmate, he said, "As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second," the rabbi said, standing and waving at the flight attendant. "I didn't know I had a choice."
December 05, 2006
It's all relative
A suburban woman and three of her friends were playing bridge one evening. When the hostess' husband came into the room and announced he was going to bed, she unzipped his fly, took out his Johnson, kissed it and told him good night.
The other three women were dumb-struck; a long silence followed the husband's departure. Finally, one of the women said, "Helen! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"
"You wouldn't think it was so disgusting," replied the hostess, "if you'd ever smelled his breath."
December 01, 2006
Q: What're the three biggest lies that farmers tell?
1: I get up at 4:30 every morning.
2: I work hard all day long.
3: I was just helping that ewe over the fence.
November 29, 2006
The koala's crave
Just what I know you've all been waiting for: a shaggy koala story.
Once there was a koala bear who was a big fan of performing oral sex on women. In fact, the urge was so strong in him that he saved up all his money to go to the big city and find a place to satisfy his desire, since there wasn't any action like that in the eucalyptus forest where he lived.
When he'd saved up enough money, he bought a ticket to Sydney and went looking for a knock shop. He found a nice-looking place, went in, and told the madame what he was after. The madame introduced him to Candi and explained that Candi was the local expert on oral sex.
(More to come...)
So Candi and the koala bear retired to her room, where the koala bear dived in. When he finished, he got up, put on his hat, and started out the door. "Just a minute!" cried Candi. "You owe me $100!"
The koala bear said not a word... He didn't even turn around. He just kept walking. So Candi followed him down the hall yelling at him for her money. Finally, she took him by the arm, grabbed a dictionary, and said to him, "Look here, mate, I'm a prostitute. Now I'm going to read you the definition of 'prostitute'." And she read from the dictionary: "Prostitute: a person who exchanges sexual favors for money."
The koala bear just looked at her for a moment, then took the dictionary and read an entry to her: "Koala bear: a small, furry animal that eats bushes and leaves."
November 27, 2006
Everything you wanted to know
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy
"You know that "look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
November 22, 2006
These appeared in the Nov 19, 1990 edition of Computerworld.
The Ant and the Grasshopper: There once was an ant and a grasshopper who were best of friends. The ant was prudent and industrious and one day decided to build himself a warm winter home. The grasshopper, however, was not concerned about the future and spent most of his time on the couch watching the Home Shopping Network.
It soon began to grow cold. The ant, who had been planning, designing and building his home for months, was all nice and cozy. Meanwhile, his long-legged friend had done nothing about the rough times ahead. But just when it looked like curtains for the grasshopper, he marched over to the ant's house, reverse-engineered the whole thing and build his own version in 20 minutes.
The ant thought this was terribly unfair but was so much smaller than the grasshopper, he really couldn't do anything about it. So the ant just sat and pouted, while the grasshopper went inside and watched The Simpsons.
Moral: It's good to be first. But it's better to be bigger.
The careful squirrel: One morning, a squirrel came upon an abandoned nest high up in a tree. "What a perfect place to store my food," thought the lucky squirrel. "But can this tiny nest support the weight of all my acorns?"
The squirrel wisely decided to test this acorn repository. He put large rocks in the nest. He even climbed into the nest and jumped up and down. Still, the nest proved acorn-worthy. Exhausted but satisfied, the squirrel gathered his stash and loaded the nest. But as he placed that last acorn atop the pile, he noticed something was wrong. The branch beneath him quivered, then gave way...and the squirrel, the nest and the acorns all fell to the ground.
Moral: No matter how much you test, it just takes one nut to screw things up.
The Three Little Pigs: Once upon a time there were three little pigs, who received an RFP from the Big Bad Wolf. But the pigs could not agree on what system to propose, so they split up, each trying to win the contract for himself.
The first little pig's system was dirt cheap; he cut corners on the chip technology. He called his system "Straw-286" and demonstrated it for the Big Bad Wolf. However, when the wolf loaded his data, it blew away Straw-286, and the first little pig was mortified.
The second little pig proposed speedy "Sticks-386," which cost a little more but was worth it. But when Sticks-386 tried to handle the wolf's connectivity requirements, it huffed, and it puffed, and it fell apart. The second little pig filed for Chapter 11.
But the third little pig was smarter and more patient. After several months, he came up with "Bricks-486," which was a high-priced, yet leading-edge solution. He proudly called the Big Bad Wolf to schedule his demo. When he did, the secretary informed him that Mr. Wolf had cash flow problems and had to settle for "Straw-286" for now but would consider upgrading in three or four years.
Moral: What it costs is more important than what it does.
Mr. Rabbit's Garden: Mr. Rabbit was tired of foraging for food. One day he decided, "Why not plant a garden? I'll grow all I need, with enough left over to make my killer gazpacho."
Mr. Rabbit sat down and carefully planned his garden. He did a needs analysis of sun and shade. He constructed a resource list of seed and tools. He built a harvest Gantt Chart. He outsourced his fertilizer requirements to the horse up the road.
After days of prepping his garden project, he selected a shady spot under a big oak tree. He planted according to his Soil Timing Study and managed his critical tasks so that, by early autumn, he had a bountiful garden.
On the scheduled morning, Mr. Rabbit put on his overalls and went to the oak tree to harvest his garden. He stood there for a moment, admiring the ripe tomatoes, abundant carrots and crisp cucumbers. But just as he bent down to pluck his first pea, he heard a horrible racket...and Mr. Rabbit looked up just in time to see this squirrel, nest and swarm of acorns fall from the sky and wreck his whole garden.
Moral: Even the best managed project can get screwed up by someone else's nuts.
The Racing Roosters: A hen was hopelessly attracted to two roosters and was having quite a time choosing between them. The pair decided to have a race, with the loser agreeing to fly the coop. As the love-struck hen breathlessly watched, her suitors lined up at the edge of a field, then off they went...each determined to be the faster fowl.
For a few seconds they ran neck and neck. But one rooster was quite a bit younger and quickly began to pull ahead. It was soon evident that the younger rooster ran much faster...so fast, in fact, that he ran right into a southbound lane of I-95 and was flattened by a Ford Taurus with Missouri plates.
Moral: Winning the benchmark is one thing; winning the contract is another.
November 21, 2006
Careful what you ask for
Two guys died and appeared at the Pearly Gates. But St. Peter told them that Heaven was full and they could go back to Earth as anything they wanted until there was some room available for them. The first guy said, "I want to be the highest-flying eagle in Colorado." Poof ! The first guy was gone.
The second guy said, "I want to be a stud on a Kentucky farm." Poof! He was gone too.
A few weeks later, there were a couple of openings in Heaven and God asked St. Peter where the two guys were so He could call them back. St. Peter told Him to look for the highest flying eagle over Colorado -- that's the first guy.
But the second fellow was going to be more difficult to locate because there'd been a lot of new barns built in Kentucky lately.
November 20, 2006
Sad story from New York
Or maybe not-so-sad, depending on your point of view.
As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing his cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free. The cat became airborne, heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and essential community function.
Larry Lippman via RHF.
November 17, 2006
A New Orleans story
A little Nawlins humor, courtesy of Carol.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm: he threw a hand grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another one down a chimney from 50 yards -- and then he hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brought the young Afghani to the States and taught him the great game of football.
Sure enough the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghani was hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted was to call his mother. "Mom," he said to her, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleaded her son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorted. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady paused and then tearfully added, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."
November 14, 2006
A little Wilde
From Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid.
You are an extraordinary fellow. You never say a moral thing, and you never do a wrong thing. Your cynicism is simply a pose.
Conscience and cowardice are really the same things. Conscience is the trade name of the firm, that is all.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place. The mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything priced above its proper value.
The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
His principles were out of date, but there was a good deal to be said for his prejudices.
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.
Not your typical blonde joke
A tip o' the hat to Steve F for this one:
A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and his friends. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated. He wakes the blonde and asks, "So? What is it that goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
November 13, 2006
Paddy O'Shea came to the States and he got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish. They took him to an upscale "Irish" pub there.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is!" he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"
"Oh sure ye have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer fifteen year."
A real groaner.
A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining he woke up screaming every night from alternate nightmares. One night he would dream he was a tepee; the next night he would dream he was a wigwam.
"Doctor, what should I do?"
"Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax... You're two tents."
November 10, 2006
Isaac Asimov claimed that the best limericks were off-color. I don't know where these came from but I think he'd have liked them. (Or maybe he wrote 'em.)
When pinched on the fanny, Monique
Succumbed to a young maiden's pique
By exclaiming with verve
To her pincher, "Some nerve!"
"And in your case," he gloated, "some cheek!"
Since a top-heavy maiden from Yonkers
Is equipped to make chest men go bonkers,
Poet Goldsmith might say,
Were he living today,
That whenever she stoops, sir, she conquers!
Three two-letter words that begin
With 'I' are a source of chagrin.
There are guys who can cry -
even wish they could die -
At that soul-searing phrase "Is it in?"
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
Till a cynic named Boris
Simply touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
In the Kids Say The Darndest Things department, my favorite schoolmarm passed along this collection of 17 images. It came from a parent of one of her pupils -- I have no idea what its original source is.
At the butcher's
An old joke about the USSR
A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. Then she asks for chicken. None.
Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None.
The shopper leaves with nothing and the butcher turns to exclaim to his assistant, "What a terrific memory that lady has!"
From Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad by George Will.
November 09, 2006
A case of shingles
Lou's been on a roll lately; here's his latest.
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him why he was there. Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, got his address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. “Shingles,” said Bubba. "Where?” asked the doctor.
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
November 08, 2006
Her Majesty indeed
An American couple was visiting an Eastern European country. While they were waiting at the border, they were talking to three soldiers who knew some English. The soldiers were trying to explain why one of the historical royal lines had died out.
The first soldier explains, "The queen, she was unbearable."
The second soldier interrupts. "No, no. Please excuse. My friend does not speak English good. The queen, she was inconceivable."
The third soldier cannot contain himself and has to say "No, no, NO! Please excuse my friends. Their English is not very well. They mean the queen, she was impregnable."
November 07, 2006
Election Day relief
Here's a break from the endless agonizing over which party will control the next Congress. They come via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and are excerpts from two books by Martin Higgins The Natiest Things Ever Said About Republicans and The Nastiest Things Ever Said About Democrats.
The Democrats have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. - Dave Barry
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they'd be Republicans. - Will Rogers
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. - P.J. O'Rourke
The Republicans would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry
There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket. - Will Rogers
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it. - P.J. O'Rourke
November 03, 2006
The elephant's memory
The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience to equal his performances.
This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought an elephant into his act. He would drag the elephant out onto the stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do some trick, offering a financial reward in the unlikely event someone succeeded.
One day he brought out the elephant as usual and asked the crowd, "You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd nodded again. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd nodded a third time.
"But," he continued, "I'll wager that not one of you has ever seen an elephant with all four feet off the ground. Tonight, I will pay $10,000 to any one who can make this elephant jump into the air with all four feet off the ground at once!"
No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked down boldly from the back. He looked the elephant steadily in the eye, then proceeded to walk around to its hindquarters. Producing a brick in either hand, he proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the bricks.
The elephant roared in pain and jumped several feet into the air. Mephisto reluctantly paid the man, then he moved his show to another town.
A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again and was not attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his old bit of challenging the crowd. In this way, greater crowds gathered and his show was a bigger success.
He would drag out the elephant and say, "You've all seen an elephant nod... move its head up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side, have you?
"I will pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!"
No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped boldly down from the back. He again looked the elephant in the eye and asked, "Do you remember me?"
The elephant nodded.
"Do you want me to do it again?"
The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side.
November 02, 2006
Best drivers in the world
Those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City, Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear large turbans.
As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows, chickens, and people scattering in all directions.
At one point, the driver said, "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world. Do you know why?"
"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world?"
"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"
November 01, 2006
The blind clerk
Here's a fitting follow-up to the Japanese video, courtesy of Steve
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and takes it over to the sales counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe this, but she drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 pound test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounded like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then she realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."
October 31, 2006
Fire in the hole
While serving aboard a nuclear powered submarine in the mid 1970's, the crew was in the crew's mess watching the movie Poseidon Adventure. You know the one, where the cruise ship turns upsidedown, and the survivors have to climb "down" to get out.
Well, things were pretty tense and everyone was paying close attention as the heroes went through many trials and tribulations. Then all of a sudden everyone heard: "FIRE IN THE TORPEDO ROOM !"
The audience cheered, "YEAH, go get em..." "Allright!" etc. until someone mentioned, "Hey! They don't have a torpedo room!"
The fire was one compartment forward of where the crew was watching the movie. Once everyone wised up to what was going on they quickly took care of the problem.
Thomas R Balent (via RHF)
October 26, 2006
Little Johnny asked his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
The father, as fathers are wont to do, went into a long lecture on the nature of God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in an attempt at better understanding and so forth. He ended his monologue with the observation that God is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay.
To which Johnny responded, "Oh, so God is Michael Jackson then?"
October 25, 2006
A sure-fire system
A man spent countless days at the race tracks without betting, trying to work out the perfect system to become rich. One day he noticed a priest blessing a horse and observed that the horse went on to win. He noticed the same thing for the next five days.
On the seventh day he withdrew his life savings and went to watch the priest. After the priest blessed one of the horses, the man placed his bet - but the horse died during the race! The man went to find the priest, explained that he'd been watching him bless horses for seven days now, and wanted to know what had happened to this last horse.
The priest asked, "You're not Catholic are you, my son?"
The man responded that he wasn't but asked what difference that made.
The priest replied "Well, a Catholic would know the difference between a blessing and last rites."
October 24, 2006
A good memory
Three old men were sitting around reminiscing about their earliest memories. The first said, "Yeah, I remember my first birthday party; had about a dozen tykes there."
The second says, "Your first birthday! That's nothin'... I remember waking up in the hospital the day after I was born."
The third one wasn't saying much, so the other two - thinking he couldn't remember anything - tried to poke him up a little. "What's the first thing you remember, George ?" one of them asked.
"Oh," George said, "I guess that'd be going to the prom with my father and coming home with Mom."
October 23, 2006
A really old joke
A German shepherd went into a Western Union office, took a blank telegram form and wrote, "Woof...woof woof...woof...woof...woof...woof woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the form. "There are only nine words here," he said. "You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."
October 20, 2006
A glimpse into the future
Lou sends this timely tale.
A country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy gave some thought to choosing a career. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed three objects on his study table:
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher too, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be fine. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son whistling as he entered the house. The boy headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed but as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy..." the preacher whispered. "He's gonna be a Congressman!"
October 19, 2006
The Irish plumber
Sean O'Malley was a plumber by profession and he got called one day by a lady with an Emergency in her bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh and replaced the faucet washer, thus ending the Emergency.
Now the lady was very grateful and she was nice looking and she was lonely to boot. So before long Sean was helping her warm up her bedroom.
About 4:30, the telephone rang. After she hanged up the lady told Sean, "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, so you'll need to go. But he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about 7:30 and we'll continue where we've left off?"
"Saints!" exclamed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... Before this, I drove a hearse for the last 25 years."
October 18, 2006
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to a bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Officer: "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"
Sailor: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Sailor: "No, SIR!"
October 17, 2006
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and looking upon him were filled with pity and concern.
Whereupon one turned to the other and said, "The person who did this needs our help!"
October 16, 2006
An important call
Having just moved into his office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, bid the airman to enter, and then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
October 13, 2006
A rancher bought a champion bull for his herd of cows. When he got it back to the ranch, though, the bull was listless and didn't perform as expected. The rancher called the vet, who came to examine the prize bull. After the examination, the vet gave the rancher a bottle of tonic and told him to give the bull one spoonful per day.
The next day the rancher gave the bull a spoonful. A few minutes later the bull roused himself and took an energetic interest in the rancher's cows. The day after that, the rancher gave the bull another spoonful; again, the bull made himself useful with the cows.
The third day the rancher had a friend visiting, and the friend watched as the bull received his spoonful of tonic and enthusiastically began to perform his duty.
"Wow!" said the friend. "What's in that stuff?"
"I don't know," replied the rancher, "but it tastes sort of like wintergreen."
October 12, 2006
A new endeavor
Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how've you been?"
"I'm fine, thanks."
"And your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he's taken up meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's gotta be better than sitting around and doing nothing."
The Irish barber
O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his present trimmee about the price of barbers' services.
"I tell you, O'Rourke, you damn New York barbers gotta stranglehold on the citizens. I was in London just last week, and you charge me half again what they charge over there."
"That may be true, sar," said the Irishman, "but think o' the airfare."
October 11, 2006
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?
A: God never thinks He's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
October 09, 2006
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and in a loud voice, "Willowby, Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Sloan. Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, " O'Bryan, Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."
October 07, 2006
The following is the conclusion of the essay "Science and Religion" by Werner Heisenberg (1927).
Niels [Bohr] closed the conversation with one of those stories he liked to tell on such occasions: "One of our neighbors in Tisvilde once fixed a horseshoe over the door to his house. A friend asked him, 'But are you really superstitious? Do you honestly believe that this horseshoe will bring you luck?'
He replied, `Of course not. But they say it works even if you don't believe in it.'"
When the yogi ordered a pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill.
"Don't I get change?" the yogi asked.
"Change must come from within," replied the proprietor.
October 05, 2006
The Irish priest
An Irish priest came to America and as part of his new duties was given the sermon to preach. He had the bad habit, though, of getting off onto lectures about what treacherous folk the English were. This annoyed his American congregation, who soon complained to the bishop.
So the bishop called the priest in and said, "Father O'Rourke, I've been getting complaints that you're bad-mouthing the English during your Sunday sermons."
"Ahh, Bishop," the good Father said, "'tis true an' all. I forget meself sometimes while preaching the sermon."
"Well, Father, don't let it happen again or I'll have no choice to but to discipline you."
So Father O'Rourke behaved himself for a few weeks but eventually delivered another scathing sermon against the English. The parishoners once again complained and the priest was summoned to the angry bishop's office.
"This is your final warning, Father," the bishop said. "One more sermon like your last and I'll send you to Idaho where there are no Irish and very few Catholics. How'd you like that?"
"Oh no, Bishop," the Father said, "I've no wish to lave here and ye'll hear no more of my talkin' agin' the English."
"Be sure that I don't," the bishop said. "I'll be attending next Sunday to see that you obey."
So the bishop came to mass the following Sunday to hear Father O'Rourke's sermon. Since it was Palm Sunday, the text was the Last Supper and Father O'Rourke was preaching thus:
"And Jesus said to the disciples, 'One of ye here dining wi' me will betray me before this night is tru.' Then Peter stood up and asked, 'Is it me, Lard? Am I th' one?' And Jesus told Peter, 'Na, na, Peter, take yer seat. Ye'll deny me thrice but ye won't betray me.'
So then Thomas asked, 'Is it me, Lard?' and Jesus replied 'Na, Thomas, ye'll doubt me soon enough but ye won't betray me.'
And then Judas spoke up saying, 'I say, old chap, may I have a word with you?'"
October 04, 2006
It'll be a surprise
A woman went into a sporting goods store and told the clerk, "I'm looking for a gun."
The clerk was a little bewildered because there were all manner of guns in the store: pistols, rifles, and shotguns in all sorts of calibers, gauges and styles. So he asked the woman, "What do you want it for?"
"Oh, it's for my husband," the woman replied.
"Well, what kind do you think he'd like?" the clerk asked.
"Like?" the woman said. "He doesn't even know I'm gonna shoot him!"
Looking for Herman
Back in 1955, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon an Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon an Army dentist pulled seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army's been looking for Herman for the last 51 years.
Tip o' the hat to Carol.
October 03, 2006
A dog that knows the value of a dollar
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender stops him and says that dogs aren't allowed in the bar and that the dog will have to stay outside. "But," says the guy, "this is Butch - the talking dog."
"Oh, really?" the bartender sneers.
"All right, I'll prove it. He'll fetch the paper."
"Well, any dog can do that."
"And pay for it? And return the change? " the man asks.
"OK, I've got to see this..."
The man hands the dog a five dollar bill and tells him to go get a paper. The dog replies, "OK, boss."
"And don't forget my change!" the man yells after the dog.
One hour goes by and the dog hasn't returned. Two hours go by and still no dog. Three hours go by and the owner is starting to get worried, so he goes out to find Butch. He looks in the alleyway next to the bar and sure enough there's the dog in flagrante delicto with a female.
"Butch! You've never done this before! Why now?"
"Well, boss," Butch says, "I never had five bucks before."
October 02, 2006
An old one but worth a reprise since the Cards lucked into the N.L. Central championship.
Near the end of the school year, a first grade teacher was explaining to her class that she was a Cubs fan. She asked her class to raise their hands if they were too. Wanting to impress the teacher, practically everyone in the class raised his hand -- all except one little boy. The teacher looked at the boy with surprise and asked, "Andrew, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Cubs fan."
The teacher asked in a shocked voice, "Well, if you're not a Cubs fan then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Cardinals fan and proud of it," Andrew replied.
The teacher couldn't believe her ears. "Well, why are you a Cardinals fan, Andrew?"
"Cuz my mom and dad are both Cardinals fans, so I'm a Cardinals fan too!"
"Hmph!" said the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cardinals fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," says Andrew, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
September 29, 2006
Two older gentlemen, who were sunning themselves on the beach, met in Florida. Soon they fell into conversation and one asked the other, "Where're you from?"
"Pennsylvania," the first man replied. "I had a small factory but it burned down and when I got the insurance settlement I decided to retire down here."
"Now that's interesting," said the second man. "Something similar happened to me. I used to have a plant in California, but it was destroyed in an earthquake. I decided to retire here in Florida, too."
After a few minutes of silence, the first guy turns the second and asks, "An earthquake? How in the world did you ever get one of those started?"
You may remember (if you are old enough) the old Catskill comics viz., Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference and I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor answers. "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one who's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
September 28, 2006
Advice from on high
Since he had a little bit of free time, the pope made arrangements to play 9 holes of golf. At the seventh hole, a 175-yard par-three to an island green, he prudently decided to tee up an old ball. Suddenly a thunderous voice boomed from above, "Tee up a new ball!"
The pontiff dutifully bent down and replaced the ball with a new one. Once again the thunderous voice boomed, "Now step back and take a few practice swings."
The pope stepped back and practiced his swing. Several minutes passed, then he heard a loud sigh and the voice from above intoned, "OK... Tee up the old ball."
September 27, 2006
I was going to run these jokes back in July, when I ran jokes about Unitarians, Baptists, and assorted others. But then things went south between Israel and Hezbollah and a little respite seemed in order.
So Moses was talking with God and Moses said, "Wait a minute... Let me get this straight... They get all the oil and we cut off the tip of our what?"
A maitre d' goes over to a middle-aged Jewish couple eating in his restaurant. He asks them, "Is anything all right?"
A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days..."
And the lady replied, "Try, honey. Force yourself."
What's the difference between Jews and Christians?
Jews get really angry but Christians just get a little cross.
A cruise ship sinks and three men manage to make it to a desert island. The first man, a Catholic, kneels and prays to the Lord to be rescued. The second man, a Lutheran, kneels and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island.
The third guy, a Jew, says, "Hey. Two years ago I gave a million dollars to the Jewish Federation. Last year, I gave two million. This year I pledged three million. Don't worry... They'll find us."
Your problem is obvious
The sociologist on an African jungle expedition held up her camera to take pictures of native children at play. Suddenly the youngsters began to yell in protest. Turning red, the sociologist apologized to the chief for her insensitivity and told him she had forgotten that certain tribes don't like to have their pictures taken. She explained to him, in long-winded detail, the operation of the camera, and how harmless it was. Several times the chief tried to respond, but to no avail.
Certain she had put all the chief's fears to rest the sociologist then allowed him to speak. Smiling he said, "The children were trying to tell you forgot to take the lens cap off."
September 26, 2006
From the Royal Australian Air Force:
I remember reading the following question from an RAAF test for prospective pilots for a VIP squadron. At the time it gave the actual name for a passenger and I remember he weighed a lot, but I can't remember the name or the position. This was supposed to test for quick response, initiative, etc.
Q. You are flying at 35000 feet when turbulence causes a door in the passenger compartment to open and the Incredibly Important Person falls out. What do you do?
Responses ranged from "Swoop down and try and catch him" to "Turn the plane towards the nearest place where you can claim political asylum."
The correct answer: Trim ailerons to compensate for change in weight.
Any naval aviator will tell you that landing a plane on an aircraft carrier is the most dangerous thing to do. First you've got to find an airport that is moving from place to place all the time. Then you've got to line up on a landing strip that is (a) too short, and (b) bouncing up and down. Not only do you have to remember to lower your landing gear, you've also got to lower a hook which is designed to catch the cables that they've strung across the deck (think of putting on the brakes in your car by leaning out the window and grabbing a telephone pole). And to put the icing on the cake, you've got apply full throttle just before you land so that if your hook misses those cables, maybe - just maybe - you will have enough power to take off instead of falling over the side and going splat.
The operations center was holding its collective breath as a rookie pilot was on final approach for his first carrier landing. The flight path looked good, speed looked good, down comes the landing gear, down comes the hook... Oh no, he missed all four arresting cables! The plane disappears from view as it shoots off the end of the runway and drops over the bow. The operations center personnel quickly start recovery procedures, calling in the helicopters to make the pickup -- if there's anything left to pickup.
To their amazement, just then the plane reappears! There it is -- skimming the wavetops as it begins to gather speed. The radio crackles as the pilot announces, "OK, Lord. I can take it from here..."
September 25, 2006
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician. When the examination was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that question all the time. And sex is just fine until late in your pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know how much longer I can keep mowing the lawn."
September 21, 2006
Why men aren't secretaries
Husband's note on refrigerator for his wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
September 20, 2006
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling 'bout my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood. Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
September 19, 2006
Get a hat
Ray and Bessie are elderly snow birds from Iowa who are spending their winter in southern Arizona.
Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and proudly wears them home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room wearing only the boots. A little louder this time he asks, "Now do you notice anything different?"
"Ray, what's different?" Bessie asks. "It's hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. It'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
"Shoulda bought a hat, Ray," says Bessie. "Shoulda bought a hat..."
September 15, 2006
A stockboy worked in the produce section of a supermarket. A man came in asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man was persistent, so the boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the customer standing right behind him. So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager agreed to sell the man half a head of lettuce. Later he said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that here. Where are you from?"
"Is that right? Well, why'd you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
""Oh, they're all just whores and hockey players up there," the boy replied.
"My wife is from St. Paul," said the manager.
"Really?" asked the boy. "What team did she play for?"
September 14, 2006
The Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank Heaven," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
September 13, 2006
The good, the bad and the ugly
I thought we'd seen this before, but it doesn't show up when I search the blog. But even if we have, it's well worth a reprise. Tip o' the hat to Steve F.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree: no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Way ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
September 12, 2006
A retirement dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A member of the congregation, who was also a local politician, had been chosen to make a small speech after the dinner. Since the politician was delayed, the priest decided to say a few words of his own while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it."
"He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
September 08, 2006
Two old men are talking.
"Want to go for a walk?"
"Isn't it windy?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"Me, too. Let's go get a beer."
September 07, 2006
A collection of blonde jokes from Steve F.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had just acquired two dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Well, they're watch dogs!" answered the blonde.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he can see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A gorgeous young redhead went to the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" said the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no " she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper turned on his P.A. system and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a porch rocking. One says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Hello-o-o... Can you see Florida?"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
September 06, 2006
It was Mr. Ryan's funeral and the pallbearers were carrying his casket out of the church. When they bumped into a pillar, one of them heard a moan from inside the casket. They opened it and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive, God be praised!
He lived for ten more years before he finally died. Another funeral was held for him and, as the pallbearers were carrying the casket out, Mrs. Ryan said, "Watch out for that pillar!"
September 05, 2006
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The DMV clerk showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the cleark asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied. "I know the guy."
August 31, 2006
What's with cats?
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night. And when they do come home, they expect to be fed and stroked and then left alone to sleep.
Everything that women hate in men, they love in cats.
At the grocer's
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce moist. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of freshly-cut hay.
At the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of frying eggs and bacon.
The area for canned veggies features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I'm afraid to buy toilet paper there.
If big-chested women work at Hooters...
...where do one-legged women work?
August 29, 2006
Paging Bishop Berkeley
If a man is in a forest talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?
If a woman is in a forest talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?
August 28, 2006
You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common. Why did you get married?
I suppose it was the old business of "opposites attract." He wasn't pregnant and I was.
August 25, 2006
St. Louis Barbies
Lou sends this humorous bit of local color.
This princess Barbie is sold only at Chesterfield Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
East St. Louis Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop... then we don't know what you're talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Granite City Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too smal and a NASCAR shirt, with a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag rear window decoration absolutely free.
This collagen-injected, rhinoplasticized Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Arnold Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise, acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Tower Grove Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and wears Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Tower Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
South County Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is 'cause he's always hunting.
Central West End Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
August 24, 2006
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my best dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
I saved 1600 lives today. Twice.
August 23, 2006
My advice? Skip this one and spare yourself the groan.
Bubba's sister was pregnant when she ended up in a bad car accident, which caused her to go into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakened and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, ma''am: a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh, no! Not Bubba... he's an idiot!' She reluctantly asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answered.
The new mother thought, 'Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.'
"And my son's name?" she asked.
August 22, 2006
A point of pride
Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," said the priest.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing, with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying on the floor."
The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
August 21, 2006
Lookin' for a good time
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: OK. But if you get home before I do, remember to leave the light on for me.
August 17, 2006
He finally figures it out
A dying man was talking to his wife, "You know, honey, you've always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you've been there.
"When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the heart attack, you were there, and when we lost the house and then when I got liver cancer, you were always by my side. You know something?"
"What?" asked his wife.
"I think you're bad luck."
August 16, 2006
Good news, bad news
An old one, but worth a reprise.
God decides it's time to have the world end. He calls in all the heads of state and Bill Gates. He tells them that the world is going to end in seven days.
So the politicians all return to their people and they all say, basically, "There's good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the end of the world is coming."
Bill Gates goes back to Redmond and says, "I have some good news and some even better news. The good news is, I'm one of the most important people in the world. And the even better news is that we don't have to worry about shipping Vista."
August 15, 2006
A young lady comes home from a date looking pretty sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "I thought you loved him."
"Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!"
"Marry him anyway," her mother replied. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he can be."
What's for dinner?
A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were preparing.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?!" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Sunday is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
August 14, 2006
Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One says to the other, "You know, you look just like you're wearing a tuxedo."
"Who says I'm not?" replied the other.
August 11, 2006
A young man was playing golf with a senior citizen. Just as the older man was about ready to hit his tee shot, he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently watching the procession go by until it disappeared.
"That's really nice of you," said the younger man. "Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?"
"No," said the senior citizen, "not usually. But it's the least I could do in this case... I was married to the woman for forty years."
August 10, 2006
An unused instrument
An elegant young woman on a flight from Switzerland said to the priest seated beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." So the priest took the hair dryer from her.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest goes ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have the anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have the nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father... Next!"
August 09, 2006
When I was a kid, we were so poor that when my little brother broke his arm we took him to the airport to get it x-rayed.
We were so poor, my dad would eat Cheerios with a fork so he could pass the milk around the table.
We were so poor, we used to lick stamps for dinner.
We were so poor, we didn't even use the "o" and the "r."
August 08, 2006
You can run...
I was driving to work the other day when I hit a pig. I was just going to drive away when I thought better of it and called the sheriff's office to tell them. The dispatcher told me, "Thanks for calling. And don't go anywhere... It's illegal to hit livestock in Illinois. That'll be a $300 fine."
So I hung up, put the car back in gear and drove off. But when I got to work there was a deputy waiting for me. He gave me a $300 ticket for hitting the pig.
When I asked how he'd found me, he said, "The pig squealed."
August 07, 2006
A surprised horse
A horse is tied up to a hitching post. A little dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. This annoys the horse and it starts pawing the ground.
The dog looks up and asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The horse looks down at the dog and says, "Well, I'll be damned... a talking dog!"
August 03, 2006
If money really did talk
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the double sawbuck proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City... the finest restaurants in New York.... Broadway performances. And even a cruise in the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you traveled during your life?"
The single replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, to the Baptist church, to the Lutheran church..."
"Wait," the twenty-dollar bill interrupts. "What's a church?"
August 02, 2006
An old one that passes the Corny-Enough-For-Me test - from Steve R.
A Texas cowboy gets pulled over by an Oklahoma State Trooper for speeding. The trooper starts to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and begins to throw his weight around to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper gets around to writing out the ticket. As he's doing that, he keeps swatting at some flies that are buzzing around his head.
"Y'all havin' some trouble with them circle flies?" asks the cowboy.
The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, "Well, yeah, if that's what they're called... But I never heard of 'circle flies'."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling 'round the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. A moment later he stops and asks, "Wait a minute... Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law officers to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
August 01, 2006
A lesson for golfers
A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend went over and asked what was on his mind. The golfer told him, "It was terrible! On the 17th hole I sliced one out onto the highway and it went through a bus's windshield. The bus driver lost control and there was a horrible accident... he hit a car head-on and there were dead people all over."
"That's awful!" his friend said. "What did you do?"
"Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little."
The Purina Diet
Rob sends this one.
I used to have a Labrador Retriever and one day I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and standing in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...
On impulse, I told her no, that I was just starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both my arms.
I told her that it was a nearly perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete. So I was going to try it again, despite the hospital stay.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was listening closely to my story, particularly a tall, black man who was standing behind the woman. Horrified by the mention of a hospital, the woman asked if I had been poisoned by the dog food.
I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the black guy was going to stagger going out the door!
July 31, 2006
Lack of information
A guy takes a gorilla out golfing. They come up to the first tee and the gorilla asks, "What am I supposed to do?"
The guy says, "You see that little green spot about 400 yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that." So the gorilla hauls off and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and lands on the green.
Then the guy drives his ball and it goes about 150 yards, and he hits an iron shot and then a second iron shot and finally his ball lands on the green. When they get to the green, the gorilla asks, "What do we do now?"
The man says, "Now you hit the ball into that cup."
"Why didn't you tell me that back there?" asks the gorilla.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "I have a great chance to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing gear and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to pick them up."
He goes home, grabs everything and rushes off. He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time. He says, "Oh, yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
July 29, 2006
Ole and Lena again
Steve F sends this old one (his description).
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs up to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed - quietly - to find a box of Band-Aids and he began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt. But worse, Lena was staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you, Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door... It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs... It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house... It could be your bloodshot eyes...
"But mostly, you dumb-ass, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"
July 27, 2006
A wife and her husband were driving home one night and ran into a bridge abutment and both were killed. They arrived in Heaven and found it was a beautiful golf course -- with a lovely clubhouse and fabulous greens. It was free, so the husband asked, "Do you want to play a round?"
"Sure," she said. They teed off on the first hole and she asked, "What's wrong?"
"You know," he said, "if it hadn't been for your stupid oat bran, we could have been here years ago."
July 26, 2006
Pour me another
So this guy walks into a bar and orders a double. After the bartender serves him, he slams it down and says, "Give me another."
The bartender asks, "Hey, pal, what are we celebrating?"
"My first blow job."
"Well, great!" says the bartender. "Have another on the house."
"Thanks," the guys says. "And keep 'em coming... I've got to get this taste out of my mouth!"
One morning a husband returned home after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, his wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and began reading a book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, while thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," the game warden informed her.
"But, officer, I'm not fishing... I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment for fishing. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault."
"But I haven't even touched you," said the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," said the warden as he left.
July 25, 2006
Dorothy and Edna, two older widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
"That nice Joe asked me out for a date," says Dorothy. "I know that you went out with him last week and I wanted to ask you about him before I give him an answer."
Edna says, "Well, I'll tell you... He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7, dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a luxury car -- a limousine -- uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then we go out for dinner, a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then when we come back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. Completely crazy! He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- twice!"
"Goodness! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
"No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
July 20, 2006
Some lines to make you smile
According to Carol.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
Don't take life so seriously; no one gets out alive.
The original point and click interface came from Smith & Wesson.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people - He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the Things-I-Wanted-To-Be-When-I-Grew-Up.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken - a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Sincerest form of flattery
A young composition student in one of the more prestigious conservatories in Russia is running out of time for an important project. In the coming weekend, the school orchestra will be gathered on stage to read through all the composition students' symphonies for the first time in front of the professor.
In a flash of last-minute genius, he goes to the library, checks out one of his professor's symphonies and writes out the whole work backwards. That weekend, after all his hand-copied parts have been distributed, he waits nervously as the orchestra looks over the music.
The conductor steps into place and readies the orchestra. On his downbeat, out comes the opening fanfare to Tchaikovsky's 4th.
Andrew Thompson via rec.humor.funny.
July 19, 2006
White collar crime
An old one that bears repeating:
Three white collar prisoners are hanging around the yard comparing notes.
Former Exxon executive: They say I charged too much for oil. I'm in for price gouging.
Former Microsoft executive: They say I charged too little for software. I'm in for unfair competition.
Former Samsung executive: They say I charged the same price as everyone else for computer chips. I'm in for price fixing.
Found at Samizdata.
July 18, 2006
Who's who in Heaven
A woman died and went to Heaven, and St. Peter took her on a tour. They passed a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman asked, "Who's down there?"
St. Peter said, "Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays."
They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more goaning and wailing and the woman asked, "OK, who's down there?"
"Those are the Baptists who went to dances," St. Peter told her.
And a little farther along, there was another pit with people in it who were crying and ripping their garments. So the woman asked, "And those people?"
And St. Peter said, "Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."
July 17, 2006
Time for a change
Oil Change Procedure for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on yourself in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag Pan Full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
But you know the job was done right!
July 15, 2006
What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists?
Baptists won't wave to each other in the liquor store.
Why should you always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you?
If you invite only one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any.
Two Baptist ministers were talking about the immorality of the country today, and one of them said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married. Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
About 100 years ago, there were a Methodist minister and Baptist preacher living in the same small town. One day, the Methodist spotted the Baptist walking down the road and asked him, "What happened to your bicycle, brother?"
"Why, I believe someone stole it," replied the Baptist preacher. "I guess I'll have to walk until I can get another or mine's returned."
"I'll tell you what," said the Methodist. "Next Sunday, why don't we both preach on the Ten Commandments. When we get to number 8, we'll bear down on it. Then maybe the thief will want to repent and return your bicycle."
"That's a good idea!" said the Baptist. "Let's do that."
A week or so later, the Methodist spotted the Baptist riding his bike down the road. "Well, it looks like one of our sermons bore fruit!" he called out to the Baptist.
The preacher stopped and answered, "Yes, but not quite the way you're thinking, I'm afraid. I followed your suggestion and preached a sermon on the Ten Commandments and I was all set to really lay it on number 8. But when I got to number 7, I remembered where I'd left my bike..."
July 13, 2006
Why is it dangerous to annoy a Unitarian?
He might burn a question mark on your front lawn.
Why are Unitarians such bad singers?
Because they're always reading ahead in the hymnal to see if they agree with it.
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's WItness?
Somone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
July 10, 2006
Scott sends this entry for the Worst Pun Ever contest:
Three musical instruments are sitting in a bar and, after a few drinks, they begin boasting.
"I don't want to brag," says the first, "but I'm a drum. And drums, as I'm sure you know, were the first instruments in the history of the world -- used not only for music but also for long range communication and even to motivate soldiers in a time of war. Just about every style of music uses drums of some sort. Hell, there probably wouldn't even be music it if wasn't for us."
"Drums are great, if you only want to play one note," the second instrument cuts in. "But as a piano, I have 88 keys to choose from. Most of the great classical music was written with me in mind and even today my cousin - the keyboard - is central to the creation of modern music."
"Don't talk to me about modern music," scoffs the third instrument. "I'm a guitar; and while you old-timers may have been big in your day, it's the 21st century now. And it's guitars like me that have made rock & roll the most popular music in the world today."
The second instrument sizes up the third skeptically, and then says, "What are you talking about? You're not a guitar... you're nothing but a small harp."
Tthe third instrument leaps off of his stool and shouts, "Are you calling me a lyre?!"
July 06, 2006
A reasonable wife
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black & white TV. But I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV - but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde. And she'd make sure that I'd once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A.E. sent me some quotes by Dorothy Parker recently, which caused me to dig out my Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes. It had quite a collection of tales about Dorothy and here are several of those. Enjoy...
At one time Dorothy Parker had a small, dingy cubbyhole of an office in the Metropolitan Opera House building in New York. As no one ever came to see her, she became depressed and lonely. When the signwriter came to paint her name on the office door, she got him to write instead the word "GENTLEMEN."
A young man looking loftily around at a party said, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools."
"How odd," said Dorothy Parker. "Your mother could, apparently."
While a book reviewer for The New Yorker, Dorothy Parker went on her honeymoon. Her editor, Harold Ross, began pressuring her for her belated copy. She replied, "Too fucking busy, and vice versa."
Dorothy Parker and a friend were talking about a forceful and garrulous celebrity. "She's so outspoken," remarked the friend.
"By whom?" asked Dorothy.
Gossiping about an acquaintance, Dorothy Parker murmured in bogus admiration, "You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And she can't say 'No' in any of them."
She was asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence. "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think," said Dorothy Parker promptly.
Dorothy Parker once attended a party with Somerset Maugham where the guests challenged each other to complete nursery rhymes. Somerset Maugham presented Mrs. Parker with the lines: "Higgledy piggledy, my white hen / She lays eggs for gentlemen."
Dorothy Parker added the following couplet: "You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat / To come across for the proletariat."
Dorothy Parker once collided with Clare Boothe Luce in a narrow doorway. "Age before beauty," said Mrs. Luce, stepping aside.
"Pearls before swine," said Dorothy Parker, gliding through.
A friend was very upset at having to get rid of his cat. Dorothy Parker suggested, "Have you tried curiosity?"
During her later years Dorothy Parker increasingly found refuge in alcohol. Admitted to a sanatorium, she approved the room but told the doctor she would have to go out every hour or so for a drink. He solemnly warned her that she must stop drinking or she would be dead within a month. "Promises, promises," she said with a sigh.
July 04, 2006
"Pathetic, if true," writes Steve. These stories remind me of Sen. Stevens, from Alaska, discoursing on how the Internet works last week.
A Washington, D. C., airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble.
I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response - click.
A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an oceanview room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. So I asked him why he wanted to rent a car; he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations and said, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes. What flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
June 30, 2006
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting... For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but she didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still said nothing. After a couple minutes, though, she started digging in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.
"Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair."
I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling kosher computers (made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. They're selling at such a good price I bought one and it arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You want I should fix this" message?
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
"Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.
June 29, 2006
The Navy decided that it had too many personnel, so it decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officers would be allowed to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked away with $96,000.
The third person was a noncom - a grizzly old Master Chief. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted on doing it his way and they decided to go along with him - providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
So the medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop 'em." Then the medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Master Chief's penis and began to work backwards. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where the hell are your testicles?"
The old Master Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam."
Lou sends this quick quiz about safety:
You are driving along a narrow two-lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted when you come upon a bicycle rider.
Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
You do NOT pass. Why take an unnecessary risk?
June 28, 2006
Steven Colbert, on Warren Buffet's $30 billion donation to Bill Gates' charities:
"Warren Buffet is so rich, he just hired Bill Gates to spend his money for him."
Via The Agitator.
June 27, 2006
Foundations of civilization
A Greek and an Italian were arguing over who had had more influence on Western culture. The Greek said, "We built the Parthenon."
The Italian replied, "Yes. And we built the Coliseum."
"We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics," said the Greek.
The Italian nodded but said, "And we built the Roman Empire."
This went on until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. "We invented sex!" he said.
"That is true," replied the Italian. "But it was we Italians who introduced it to women."
Wireless security system
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they're a little edgy."
June 26, 2006
What's the good part about Alzheimer's Disease?
You keep making new friends!
June 23, 2006
Rob forwards this collection:
"I've just learned about his illness. Let' s hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
June 22, 2006
A rare woman
Two guys are a sittin' in a boat, fishin' and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden one ot them says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
The other guy takes another sip beer and says, "You better think it over... Women like that aren't easy to find."
While at a local public garden, there were two male mallards engaging in amorous behavior with each other in one of the water features. My spouse and I looked at each other and we both knew what the other was thinking.
Jon Stewart-Taylor via rec.humor.funny.
June 21, 2006
A little out of season but I take 'em when I can get 'em.
Ole and Sven are tragically killed in an ice-fishing accident and they end up in Hell. The devil stops in and sees them dressed in parkas and mittens, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
Ole replies, "Vell, you know, ve're from nordern Visconsin, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance to varm up a little, you know."
Later when the devil returns to the room of the two guys from Wisconsin, he finds them in T-shirts, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
Sven replies, "Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather back home in Visconsin, so ve've got ta haff a fish fry vhile da veather's dis nice."
The devil is so furious he can't see straight. Finally, he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. So, the devil decides to turn off all the heat in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero. Every soul in Hell is shivering something awful. Icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil smiles and heads for the room where Ole and Sven are and he finds them back in their parka and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded. "I can't understand. When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What's wrong with you two?"
Ole and Sven looked at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know? If Hell is froze over, dat must mean the Packers yust won a game."
June 20, 2006
Mars and Venus redux
I don't know where Rob found this tale (and I doubt that it's true) but I agree with the prof: it gets an A+.
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor with the University of Phoenix.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending a copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must on lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
Go drink some tea - whore.
A+ - I really liked this one.
June 19, 2006
Anybody else been here?
More humor from the trackback spammers.
Q: What's the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant?
A: The elephant might fly.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
June 16, 2006
Lawyers and light bulbs
This is one of the best lawyer jokes I've read in a spell. And, believe it or not, I found it in a piece of trackback Spam. So the spammer gets an A for effort (but s/he still doesn't get a trackback).
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
June 15, 2006
Novel ways to deal with illegal immigration.
Dig a wide moat the length of the border with Mexico, take the dirt and raise the levees in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, and so on.
I have come up with a solution: I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and it's cheaper than buying gas.